I agree with what you state above. And you're correct, I think, that unlike Cordy and Angel and Wes, Willow's issue was not approval so much as love.
I think unlike Angel especially - Willow was exactly what her mother apparently wanted her to be. There were no rules she failed to follow, no academic achievements she fell short of. But approval never earned her love. And I think Willow wants love more than approval. I think she wants approval too to an extent - but I think part of that is that she strongly suspects that what little love she gets will disappear with disapproval. When she gets her mother's disapproval in Gingerbread, her mother tries to burn her at the stake. So I think she fears disapproval too. But if she really believes that she has no chance at 'earning' love - I think she did working about approval. Whereas Angel especially, and Cordelia as well, and Wes, seem to care about approval, social standing, more than love, IMO.
I think that's the main difference there. And it's why Willow can love, while I'm not sure the others ever quite do. Wes' love for Lilah or Fred felt self-serving and to a degree narcissitic - both stroked his ego. Willow could care less about approval - she has had that in spades and it hasn't really gotten her anywhere. Actually she scoffs at it - with Giles in various episodes. It matters, but not THAT much. She seems to question it. But love is something she doesn't quite trust - and is afraid will be yanked away from her. For a bit she thought approval equaled love. Realized nope - doesn't.
But it was a doomed and incomplete love because she could never really trust then to love her - and part of that is not fully trusting them to love her for her, and I think part of that is that I think she doesn't know who she really is, and is afraid it'd be impossible to love that person. But not all of it - some of it may be that she thinks there is just something about everyone that will make them reject her no matter what she does.
She's a bit surprised when they are interested in her. And as she states to Buffy in Wrecked (while I wasn't crazy about the episode there are three scenes that are quite good, one is the last one with Buffy and Willow) - without magic, Tara won't love me, you won't, I won't be anyone. I'll be that normal ordinary geeky girl that no one noticed in high school. It goes back to her dream in Restless - where the geeky girl without magic isn't loved. "They'll figure out who you are." And in Willow's dream everyone is wearing costumes, playing roles, but rip it off ...and I think you are correct Willow is afraid that she is the person people defined her as being in high school.
She fights against that. Spike and Willow have that in common. Both reinvent themselves - vampire and witch - in part to counteract the definition their peers thrust at them. Neither accepts it. And both scoff and question authority - societial standing, peer acceptance and views, and patriachial authority. Note - both Spike and Willow question Giles at various points. And the council, and Buffy. I think that may explain why I love and identify with both the way I do - because I sort of get that.
But they also are super-sensitive to the rejection and these views, so internalize the critical voices - and create a persona to handle them. For William - that persona is Spike, for Willow - it is Vamp Willow, Dark Willow, Geek Willow. To which they hide behind. The only problem with that is after a while, you are no longer certain who you are - the role you play, or what is hidden beneath the surface. In S7 - both characters manage to figure out who they are and come to terms with it - so that they can incorporate both sides - the persona that protected them and the persona beneath the surface. Spike is able to be both William the poet and Spike. Willow is able to be Willow and magic/hacker Willow. Once they do, they are able to trust others and love fully.
In contrast, I'm not sure this ever quite happens for Angel, Cordy or even Wes - who still feel fractured by the end of the Angel series.
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I think unlike Angel especially - Willow was exactly what her mother apparently wanted her to be. There were no rules she failed to follow, no academic achievements she fell short of. But approval never earned her love. And I think Willow wants love more than approval. I think she wants approval too to an extent - but I think part of that is that she strongly suspects that what little love she gets will disappear with disapproval. When she gets her mother's disapproval in Gingerbread, her mother tries to burn her at the stake. So I think she fears disapproval too. But if she really believes that she has no chance at 'earning' love - I think she did working about approval. Whereas Angel especially, and Cordelia as well, and Wes, seem to care about approval, social standing, more than love, IMO.
I think that's the main difference there. And it's why Willow can love, while I'm not sure the others ever quite do. Wes' love for Lilah or Fred felt self-serving and to a degree narcissitic - both stroked his ego.
Willow could care less about approval - she has had that in spades and it hasn't really gotten her anywhere. Actually she scoffs at it - with Giles in various episodes. It matters, but not THAT much. She seems to question it.
But love is something she doesn't quite trust - and is afraid will be yanked away from her. For a bit she thought approval equaled love. Realized nope - doesn't.
But it was a doomed and incomplete love because she could never really trust then to love her - and part of that is not fully trusting them to love her for her, and I think part of that is that I think she doesn't know who she really is, and is afraid it'd be impossible to love that person. But not all of it - some of it may be that she thinks there is just something about everyone that will make them reject her no matter what she does.
She's a bit surprised when they are interested in her. And as she states to Buffy in Wrecked (while I wasn't crazy about the episode there are three scenes that are quite good, one is the last one with Buffy and Willow) - without magic, Tara won't love me, you won't, I won't be anyone. I'll be that normal ordinary geeky girl that no one noticed in high school. It goes back to her dream in Restless - where the geeky girl without magic isn't loved. "They'll figure out who you are." And in Willow's dream everyone is wearing costumes, playing roles, but rip it off ...and I think you are correct Willow is afraid that she is the person people defined her as being in high school.
She fights against that. Spike and Willow have that in common. Both reinvent themselves - vampire and witch - in part to counteract the definition their peers thrust at them. Neither accepts it. And both scoff and question authority - societial standing, peer acceptance and views, and patriachial authority. Note - both Spike and Willow question Giles at various points.
And the council, and Buffy. I think that may explain why I love and identify with both the way I do - because I sort of get that.
But they also are super-sensitive to the rejection and these views, so internalize the critical voices - and create a persona to handle them. For William - that persona is Spike, for Willow - it is Vamp Willow, Dark Willow, Geek Willow. To which they hide behind. The only problem with that is after a while, you are no longer certain who you are - the role you play, or what is hidden beneath the surface. In S7 - both characters manage to figure out who they are and come to terms with it - so that they can incorporate both sides - the persona that protected them and the persona beneath the surface. Spike is able to be both William the poet and Spike.
Willow is able to be Willow and magic/hacker Willow. Once they do, they are able to trust others and love fully.
In contrast, I'm not sure this ever quite happens for Angel, Cordy or even Wes - who still feel fractured by the end of the Angel series.