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Sex, Virgin Shaming, and being Apolitical (apparently that's a word)...
1. Finished watching this weeks Grey's Anatomy -- which focused on my least favorite character, April Kepner, who is a walking and talking stereotype. She also makes me want to reach through the television screen and wring Shonda Rhimes neck, along with just about everyone else in the entertainment industry. A few weeks back, a sixteen year old on my FB friends list shared a photo about a cool girl who stated: "Yes, I'm a Virgin. Why does that shock you? What do you think a virgin looks like? And do you really think you can tell by looking at me?" Which I applauded.
Dear film, tv, novel, comic, social media and fanfic writers:
Please stop shaming virginity in your writing. It is not cool. It is not informed. And it does not counter the practice of slut-shaming. Nor is it empowering, instructive, or kind. (Also this goes without saying, or maybe not, don't shame anyone's sex life.)
It is cruel. And it hurts people. And it makes you look like an idiot.
Also here's a few sexual myths that our culture likes to hold onto that need to be dispelled, because they are beginning to piss me off - I've seen several of these on television shows this week, television shows written by women:
1. "OMG, you are like 40? And Still a virgin??"
Despite what our media tells you, not everyone loses their virginity in their teens and twenties. OR even 30s for that matter. I know, shocking. But there it is. And no, it's not sad. It's not horrible. It's not something to bemoan. A former friend said the following to me once about the Gilmore Girls.
FF: Rory not losing her virginity until after college was so unrealistic. Who doesn't lose their virginity as a Freshman in college?
Me: uhh...a lot of people?
(Actually, I can't remember what I said, except, that I was rendered speechless and wanted to slap her.)
2. "My life passed before my eyes. It was so boring, I can't die a virgin!"
It is possible to live a full and happy life without ever losing your virginity. (I may be wrong, but I think Mother Teresa managed it.) Just as it is possible to be miserable and suicidal, and have sex every single day.
Life is not made more or less interesting or livable with sex. Or better or worse with sex, despite what Oprah might state. Oprah states a lot of things, and is wrong about 50-60% of the time. At the moment she is in love with bread.
3. "OMG, you haven't had sex? You really just need to get laid. Once you have your first orgasm..."
Actually you don't need to get laid. Shocking as it may sound, you can have an orgasm without having sexual intercourse. It is possible to have one without the aid of a partner, and still be a virgin to boot. I know, shocking. But trust me, it can be done. Actually, quite a few virgins have had more orgasms than people who have been married and have had sex every day.(It is called masturbation, can be rather effective. Look it up.) Also having sex with a partner does not necessarily equal an orgasm.
A lot of married people only have orgasms when they masturbate.
4. "Oh you are a virgin? How pathetic, you poor soul, you haven't really lived!"
There are people in their 80s who are still virgins and they are perfectly fine. Have lived full and productive lives. Just because you can't imagine life without having sex, doesn't mean other people can't.
5. "Oh you poor thing, you haven't had sex yet, and you're past your child-bearing years!"
You can have children without having sex in this day and age - via articial insemination, adoption, and surragacy. Sex is no longer required to have kids. So making sex about procreation is antiquated and stupid.
6. "You're a virgin? Didn't realize you were religious."
Not every virgin is religious. A lot of people who are still virgins aren't religious. Quite a few are in fact atheists and agnostics. Very few people abstain from sex for religious reasons.
7. "If you really wanted to have sex, you could you know."
First of all, not everyone can do casual sex. For some, love has to be involved to be truly that intimate with another. They can't just pick up someone in a bar or online. Or gasp, on the first or second date. Which brings up another cultural misconception - "OMG, you had a date? How was it? Did you kiss? Did you have sex? You didn't? What is wrong with you!" Seriously???? Some people can't do that, it requires time. Not everyone feels comfortable hugging someone they just met or hugging acquaintances. Or kissing someone they just spent some time with. People are different.
"You haven't found anyone? You clearly aren't doing it right!"
It's harder to find that special person than one might think. (Otherwise why would there be so many online dating services and meetup groups devoted to it?) There's this weird assumption in our society that a lot of people who are virgins, childless, and/or single are that way by choice. As if the love of our lives drifted by and we chose to turn them down. Uh no.
A lot of people who are still virgins are virgins because they are picky about who they want to share that level of intimacy with. Sex, like it or not, is an incredibly intimate act. You are sharing your body with another person. You are literally joining your body with theirs. Exploring each others bodies. And if you don't trust, like, care, or love one another and want to give to each other and put each other first - sex will most likely be a bit on the crappy side at some point, whether it is during or a few days after the fact.
8."If you aren't enjoying it or don't want it, you clearly aren't doing it right! What is wrong with you?" (In regards to sex not flirting like above).
Everyone is different. No one perceives sex the same way. No one experiences it the same. What works for one person doesn't work for another. Don't generalize about sex. Just because your last lover loved it when you sucked on their ear, does not mean your current partner will. Not all people like it when you stick your finger up their butt. Or kiss their big toe. Everyone is different.
Some people are polygamous, they need to have sex with a lot of different partners. And need a lot of sex. For them, there is no connection unless it is physical and sexual. They require it to feel loved.
Other people are monogamous. They want one partner and that's it. They fall in love once.
Some love to watch it and get off on that.
Other's fit somewhere between all of the above.
Some are bi-sexual.
Some are asexual
Some are transexual
Some are homosexual
Some are heterosexual
It varies per person. And it is possible to start out heterosexual and become homosexual later, or bisexual.
10. "OMG, you had sex last night didn't you? I knew there was something different about you? You are a woman now!" or "Last night, I had sex, and finally became a man!"
Having sex does not make you a MAN or a WOMAN. You were a man and a woman before you had sex and after you had sex. Some people, transgender, may have started out a man, had sex, still a man, then decided to change to a woman, because their body did not fit who they really were inside. So actually they were a woman, having sex as a man, got an operation so they were a woman on the outside too, and became a woman.
Also there are different ways of having sex. You may have had oral sex. You may be a lesbian, or homosexual man. So sexual intercourse does not equal man or woman. It doesn't really equal or mean anything except possibly children, but only if you are a)fertile, and b) not using protection, which you should be using, in the form of a condom (if with a man) because you could get an STD.
So this silly notion that the moment you have sexual intercourse with a member of the opposite sex, you automatically become an adult, transitioned from a girl to a woman or a boy to a man is absurdly silly. Every time someone says it on televison, online, anywhere, I want to smack them.
Sex has zip to do with maturity. You can have sex and a kid at the age of 14, and still have the maturity level of a 14 year old. Actually there have been cases of people having it as early as 8, and yes, they are still children.
The biological activity of sex doesn't change your gender or your identity. It is just sex. Who you have sex with and what you share with them can be a beautiful thing, and it can change your life, or not. That's up to you and your partner.
11. "That writer's sex scenes are horrible, they clearly have never had sex!"
You can write good sex scenes without having experienced it physically yourself. It's not really that hard to imagine sex, people. And you can write horrible sex scenes and had a lot of it. (I know I've read both.) There are people who write great heterosexual sex scenes who are lesbians and never had sex with a man. And people who have written great homosexual sex scenes who are heterosexual. And there are people who have had a lot of sex and can't write a sex scene to save their lives.
Bad sex scenes have more to do with not having a grasp on anatomy, or writing style. Also you can be a great writer and suck at writing sex scenes and vice versa.
Finally, Sex is a private and personal thing. It is different for everyone. Unique. You can't generalize. Everyone has different fantasies, triggers, and concerns when it comes to sex. And it is ultimately no one's business but your sexual partner's. Who cares if you are a virgin or have had lots of sex? Except possibly the person you are planning on having sex with. And if they love you and truly care about you, and are secure with their own sexuality, it shouldn't matter to them either.
Whew. That's been bugging me for a while.
2.) Lando has decided that I'm apolitical. That's why he loves ribbing me about politics. I don't appear to have strong opposing opinions. It's possible. I was accused of being apolitical on various other occasions. I'm also not really religious. I believe in God/Goddess or a source or a creator, whatever you want to call it, but the whole religious bit urks me at times. I do not believe in an authority or autocratic creator. So religion annoys me, it's too definitive on a topic that I tend to see as undefinable. I don't like being pinned down on either it or my political beliefs.
Speaking of politics? I saw a Trump coloring book at B&N. Seriously, a Trump coloring book? The evil marketing people need to stop. He was wearing a superman outfit. I couldn't decide if it was meant as humor or was serious. And fled.
Dear film, tv, novel, comic, social media and fanfic writers:
Please stop shaming virginity in your writing. It is not cool. It is not informed. And it does not counter the practice of slut-shaming. Nor is it empowering, instructive, or kind. (Also this goes without saying, or maybe not, don't shame anyone's sex life.)
It is cruel. And it hurts people. And it makes you look like an idiot.
Also here's a few sexual myths that our culture likes to hold onto that need to be dispelled, because they are beginning to piss me off - I've seen several of these on television shows this week, television shows written by women:
1. "OMG, you are like 40? And Still a virgin??"
Despite what our media tells you, not everyone loses their virginity in their teens and twenties. OR even 30s for that matter. I know, shocking. But there it is. And no, it's not sad. It's not horrible. It's not something to bemoan. A former friend said the following to me once about the Gilmore Girls.
FF: Rory not losing her virginity until after college was so unrealistic. Who doesn't lose their virginity as a Freshman in college?
Me: uhh...a lot of people?
(Actually, I can't remember what I said, except, that I was rendered speechless and wanted to slap her.)
2. "My life passed before my eyes. It was so boring, I can't die a virgin!"
It is possible to live a full and happy life without ever losing your virginity. (I may be wrong, but I think Mother Teresa managed it.) Just as it is possible to be miserable and suicidal, and have sex every single day.
Life is not made more or less interesting or livable with sex. Or better or worse with sex, despite what Oprah might state. Oprah states a lot of things, and is wrong about 50-60% of the time. At the moment she is in love with bread.
3. "OMG, you haven't had sex? You really just need to get laid. Once you have your first orgasm..."
Actually you don't need to get laid. Shocking as it may sound, you can have an orgasm without having sexual intercourse. It is possible to have one without the aid of a partner, and still be a virgin to boot. I know, shocking. But trust me, it can be done. Actually, quite a few virgins have had more orgasms than people who have been married and have had sex every day.(It is called masturbation, can be rather effective. Look it up.) Also having sex with a partner does not necessarily equal an orgasm.
A lot of married people only have orgasms when they masturbate.
4. "Oh you are a virgin? How pathetic, you poor soul, you haven't really lived!"
There are people in their 80s who are still virgins and they are perfectly fine. Have lived full and productive lives. Just because you can't imagine life without having sex, doesn't mean other people can't.
5. "Oh you poor thing, you haven't had sex yet, and you're past your child-bearing years!"
You can have children without having sex in this day and age - via articial insemination, adoption, and surragacy. Sex is no longer required to have kids. So making sex about procreation is antiquated and stupid.
6. "You're a virgin? Didn't realize you were religious."
Not every virgin is religious. A lot of people who are still virgins aren't religious. Quite a few are in fact atheists and agnostics. Very few people abstain from sex for religious reasons.
7. "If you really wanted to have sex, you could you know."
First of all, not everyone can do casual sex. For some, love has to be involved to be truly that intimate with another. They can't just pick up someone in a bar or online. Or gasp, on the first or second date. Which brings up another cultural misconception - "OMG, you had a date? How was it? Did you kiss? Did you have sex? You didn't? What is wrong with you!" Seriously???? Some people can't do that, it requires time. Not everyone feels comfortable hugging someone they just met or hugging acquaintances. Or kissing someone they just spent some time with. People are different.
"You haven't found anyone? You clearly aren't doing it right!"
It's harder to find that special person than one might think. (Otherwise why would there be so many online dating services and meetup groups devoted to it?) There's this weird assumption in our society that a lot of people who are virgins, childless, and/or single are that way by choice. As if the love of our lives drifted by and we chose to turn them down. Uh no.
A lot of people who are still virgins are virgins because they are picky about who they want to share that level of intimacy with. Sex, like it or not, is an incredibly intimate act. You are sharing your body with another person. You are literally joining your body with theirs. Exploring each others bodies. And if you don't trust, like, care, or love one another and want to give to each other and put each other first - sex will most likely be a bit on the crappy side at some point, whether it is during or a few days after the fact.
8."If you aren't enjoying it or don't want it, you clearly aren't doing it right! What is wrong with you?" (In regards to sex not flirting like above).
Everyone is different. No one perceives sex the same way. No one experiences it the same. What works for one person doesn't work for another. Don't generalize about sex. Just because your last lover loved it when you sucked on their ear, does not mean your current partner will. Not all people like it when you stick your finger up their butt. Or kiss their big toe. Everyone is different.
Some people are polygamous, they need to have sex with a lot of different partners. And need a lot of sex. For them, there is no connection unless it is physical and sexual. They require it to feel loved.
Other people are monogamous. They want one partner and that's it. They fall in love once.
Some love to watch it and get off on that.
Other's fit somewhere between all of the above.
Some are bi-sexual.
Some are asexual
Some are transexual
Some are homosexual
Some are heterosexual
It varies per person. And it is possible to start out heterosexual and become homosexual later, or bisexual.
10. "OMG, you had sex last night didn't you? I knew there was something different about you? You are a woman now!" or "Last night, I had sex, and finally became a man!"
Having sex does not make you a MAN or a WOMAN. You were a man and a woman before you had sex and after you had sex. Some people, transgender, may have started out a man, had sex, still a man, then decided to change to a woman, because their body did not fit who they really were inside. So actually they were a woman, having sex as a man, got an operation so they were a woman on the outside too, and became a woman.
Also there are different ways of having sex. You may have had oral sex. You may be a lesbian, or homosexual man. So sexual intercourse does not equal man or woman. It doesn't really equal or mean anything except possibly children, but only if you are a)fertile, and b) not using protection, which you should be using, in the form of a condom (if with a man) because you could get an STD.
So this silly notion that the moment you have sexual intercourse with a member of the opposite sex, you automatically become an adult, transitioned from a girl to a woman or a boy to a man is absurdly silly. Every time someone says it on televison, online, anywhere, I want to smack them.
Sex has zip to do with maturity. You can have sex and a kid at the age of 14, and still have the maturity level of a 14 year old. Actually there have been cases of people having it as early as 8, and yes, they are still children.
The biological activity of sex doesn't change your gender or your identity. It is just sex. Who you have sex with and what you share with them can be a beautiful thing, and it can change your life, or not. That's up to you and your partner.
11. "That writer's sex scenes are horrible, they clearly have never had sex!"
You can write good sex scenes without having experienced it physically yourself. It's not really that hard to imagine sex, people. And you can write horrible sex scenes and had a lot of it. (I know I've read both.) There are people who write great heterosexual sex scenes who are lesbians and never had sex with a man. And people who have written great homosexual sex scenes who are heterosexual. And there are people who have had a lot of sex and can't write a sex scene to save their lives.
Bad sex scenes have more to do with not having a grasp on anatomy, or writing style. Also you can be a great writer and suck at writing sex scenes and vice versa.
Finally, Sex is a private and personal thing. It is different for everyone. Unique. You can't generalize. Everyone has different fantasies, triggers, and concerns when it comes to sex. And it is ultimately no one's business but your sexual partner's. Who cares if you are a virgin or have had lots of sex? Except possibly the person you are planning on having sex with. And if they love you and truly care about you, and are secure with their own sexuality, it shouldn't matter to them either.
Whew. That's been bugging me for a while.
2.) Lando has decided that I'm apolitical. That's why he loves ribbing me about politics. I don't appear to have strong opposing opinions. It's possible. I was accused of being apolitical on various other occasions. I'm also not really religious. I believe in God/Goddess or a source or a creator, whatever you want to call it, but the whole religious bit urks me at times. I do not believe in an authority or autocratic creator. So religion annoys me, it's too definitive on a topic that I tend to see as undefinable. I don't like being pinned down on either it or my political beliefs.
Speaking of politics? I saw a Trump coloring book at B&N. Seriously, a Trump coloring book? The evil marketing people need to stop. He was wearing a superman outfit. I couldn't decide if it was meant as humor or was serious. And fled.