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Climbing a cliff
Today has felt a great deal like attempting to climb a cliff, one of those cliffs that has almost no footholds and looks like a sheer wall. I keep sliding down it, blooding my nails and fingers. I feel this overwhelming desire to kick it but know I'd only hurt myself - a task I've become quite good at.
Yes, I know life is supposed to be hard but does it have to appear impossible?
Nothing is working at the moment. Spent five hours today trying to do work on the internet and getting nowhere. Email kept crashing, computer kept kicking me out, livejournal was down (I'm not sure, but I'm blaming a certain flame site in the journal community). At one point I considered throwing said computer out the window, shortly followed by myself and my monster novel I've been ignoring.
Criticism - sigh. Been reading far too much of it today, combined with the rejections I've received lately, it's wearing me down. I actually enjoy good criticism - which explores why something doesn't work and why a writer or director made a specific choice and what choice may have worked better. That, in my humble opinion, is the only criticism worth reading - the rest is simply the critic masturbating or stroking their own ego. God, I'm in hurt people mode tonight, aren't I?
I've actually gotten some good constructive criticism this week. Yes, it hurt like hell - but it was useful. It made me realize a few things about the monster (my poor over-worked novel).
1. I really don't want to work on it or salvage it. Or do anything whatsoever with it. It is time to stop beating myself up over this and give myself permission to let it go. Move on to something I do want to work on.
2. The next novel I write - I should take the approach I did with BTVS and ATS and write character essays before even developing a plot. While a lot can be said for letting the story take you wherever it goes - it only works if you know your characters first. This is the suggestion my editor friend made and it is an excellent one. Before I write another work - I am going to figure out the characters. Maybe write short slice of life stories exploring someone I'm interested in. Get back to the root of my writing the development of character. Once you know who the character is - it will take you in the right direction. (This actually happened in the evil fanfic I wrote - I wanted to kill Buffy, but I knew her so well and had analyzed every inch of her that it just wouldn't work - the character took me in a better direction making that small chapter - the last of the fic, unless I ever get up the gumption to continue, possibly the best. I was forced to stay true to who the character was and not be self-indulgent.)
3. Simplify. Write out the plot and if it can't be summarized in three sentences? Drop it. Yes, there are some writers who can handle complex plot arcs, but there is no shame in admitting you aren't one of them.
4. Thoroughly research time periods, don't rely on a few newspaper clippings and books you've read written in that period. The reader will notice mistakes. Be meticulous or don't attempt it.
5. Avoid using slang and dialect unless you know it well and have an ear for it. Otherwise it sounds forced. Don't try to write in a style that is uncomfortable for you. The reader will sense the discomfort.
6. Find a good critic for your work. Someone who doesn't pull their punches, who will tell you where it does not work. Tough constructive critics are hard to find, believe me. It took me ten years to find one. Friends, while nice, do not make the best critics - they know you too well, their preconceptions cloud the criticism and their desires enter into it. Also they don't want to hurt you so they will pull their punches and let you get away with all sorts of bad habits. (Because let's face it, we writers are needy bitcas with miserable thin skin. We want to be petted not ripped.)
7. Read works that fit what you want to write - if you are the type of writer who finds themselves overly influenced by what they are reading. Don't read Ann Rice - if you want to write a literary novel. And don't read a Dorothy Dunnett - if you want to write something that is simpler and more contemporary. If you have a tendency to borrow from other writers - then make sure you read books that are relevant to what you are writing. For instance if you are writing about the Victorian period, maybe pick up a nonfiction book set in that period. Or if you are writing about the 1950s - a book set in the 1950s by an established writer.
Writing is painful. Don't for a minute think it is otherwise. And the criticism we all get - no matter how good we are or how revered, stings like a wasp. For those of us who do it - it is not something we choose to do. Choose? Please, would you choose to bear your heart to the world? It is something we are driven towards like the Australian thorn bird is driven to pierce itself on a thorn or the Lemming to throw itself off a cliff. While we'd love to have others see it and appreciate it and crave their feed-back, we will write regardless of their interest. And yes, if we are honest, we write first and foremost for ourselves to scratch that itch beneath our skin and when we aren't writing, we are cranky nasty bitcas impossible to live with. When we are - when it's working? We are walking on air. Dancing a jig.
I think this drive may run in the genes - my mother told me over the phone today that my cousin Casey, on my Dad's side, is equally driven to write. Unpublished, struggling to make ends meet by selling intimate sex toys to rich housewives and single women, she continues to write her tales. Just as my Dad continues to write his - self-publishing books on 1stBooks.com, and my Uncle writes his poetry. It's here in the blood. Beneathe the skin. Throbbing. In the viens running through my fingers and through my heart and into my brain. More curse than gift this - since it provides me with no money and little joy, well except for those moments when words flow like music across a page in perfect harmony. Those rare sentences that sing. So rare. So blessed. Ones writers pray for from their ever-fickle muses. Livejournal, heck the internet in general, is a bit like crack cocaine for a frustrated writer. For a wordsmith - it is gold. No need to pick up that silly phone and wait for someone to answer, listening to the echo of a distant answering machine and your hestitant voice leaving a message. You can send an email, edit it until it is perfect, post on a posting board on just about any topic, write an entry in a livejournal or critique a work of art or if the mood hits bash one. Yet like crack cocaine it can also pull us away from honing our art - if we aren't careful. From seeing it with clear eyes. Or creating one. Everything in moderation as they say - even the internet, which gobbles words ten times a day.
Writing - that harsh mistress, which I have to continue to stroke to keep her from flaying me alive.
Yes, I know life is supposed to be hard but does it have to appear impossible?
Nothing is working at the moment. Spent five hours today trying to do work on the internet and getting nowhere. Email kept crashing, computer kept kicking me out, livejournal was down (I'm not sure, but I'm blaming a certain flame site in the journal community). At one point I considered throwing said computer out the window, shortly followed by myself and my monster novel I've been ignoring.
Criticism - sigh. Been reading far too much of it today, combined with the rejections I've received lately, it's wearing me down. I actually enjoy good criticism - which explores why something doesn't work and why a writer or director made a specific choice and what choice may have worked better. That, in my humble opinion, is the only criticism worth reading - the rest is simply the critic masturbating or stroking their own ego. God, I'm in hurt people mode tonight, aren't I?
I've actually gotten some good constructive criticism this week. Yes, it hurt like hell - but it was useful. It made me realize a few things about the monster (my poor over-worked novel).
1. I really don't want to work on it or salvage it. Or do anything whatsoever with it. It is time to stop beating myself up over this and give myself permission to let it go. Move on to something I do want to work on.
2. The next novel I write - I should take the approach I did with BTVS and ATS and write character essays before even developing a plot. While a lot can be said for letting the story take you wherever it goes - it only works if you know your characters first. This is the suggestion my editor friend made and it is an excellent one. Before I write another work - I am going to figure out the characters. Maybe write short slice of life stories exploring someone I'm interested in. Get back to the root of my writing the development of character. Once you know who the character is - it will take you in the right direction. (This actually happened in the evil fanfic I wrote - I wanted to kill Buffy, but I knew her so well and had analyzed every inch of her that it just wouldn't work - the character took me in a better direction making that small chapter - the last of the fic, unless I ever get up the gumption to continue, possibly the best. I was forced to stay true to who the character was and not be self-indulgent.)
3. Simplify. Write out the plot and if it can't be summarized in three sentences? Drop it. Yes, there are some writers who can handle complex plot arcs, but there is no shame in admitting you aren't one of them.
4. Thoroughly research time periods, don't rely on a few newspaper clippings and books you've read written in that period. The reader will notice mistakes. Be meticulous or don't attempt it.
5. Avoid using slang and dialect unless you know it well and have an ear for it. Otherwise it sounds forced. Don't try to write in a style that is uncomfortable for you. The reader will sense the discomfort.
6. Find a good critic for your work. Someone who doesn't pull their punches, who will tell you where it does not work. Tough constructive critics are hard to find, believe me. It took me ten years to find one. Friends, while nice, do not make the best critics - they know you too well, their preconceptions cloud the criticism and their desires enter into it. Also they don't want to hurt you so they will pull their punches and let you get away with all sorts of bad habits. (Because let's face it, we writers are needy bitcas with miserable thin skin. We want to be petted not ripped.)
7. Read works that fit what you want to write - if you are the type of writer who finds themselves overly influenced by what they are reading. Don't read Ann Rice - if you want to write a literary novel. And don't read a Dorothy Dunnett - if you want to write something that is simpler and more contemporary. If you have a tendency to borrow from other writers - then make sure you read books that are relevant to what you are writing. For instance if you are writing about the Victorian period, maybe pick up a nonfiction book set in that period. Or if you are writing about the 1950s - a book set in the 1950s by an established writer.
Writing is painful. Don't for a minute think it is otherwise. And the criticism we all get - no matter how good we are or how revered, stings like a wasp. For those of us who do it - it is not something we choose to do. Choose? Please, would you choose to bear your heart to the world? It is something we are driven towards like the Australian thorn bird is driven to pierce itself on a thorn or the Lemming to throw itself off a cliff. While we'd love to have others see it and appreciate it and crave their feed-back, we will write regardless of their interest. And yes, if we are honest, we write first and foremost for ourselves to scratch that itch beneath our skin and when we aren't writing, we are cranky nasty bitcas impossible to live with. When we are - when it's working? We are walking on air. Dancing a jig.
I think this drive may run in the genes - my mother told me over the phone today that my cousin Casey, on my Dad's side, is equally driven to write. Unpublished, struggling to make ends meet by selling intimate sex toys to rich housewives and single women, she continues to write her tales. Just as my Dad continues to write his - self-publishing books on 1stBooks.com, and my Uncle writes his poetry. It's here in the blood. Beneathe the skin. Throbbing. In the viens running through my fingers and through my heart and into my brain. More curse than gift this - since it provides me with no money and little joy, well except for those moments when words flow like music across a page in perfect harmony. Those rare sentences that sing. So rare. So blessed. Ones writers pray for from their ever-fickle muses. Livejournal, heck the internet in general, is a bit like crack cocaine for a frustrated writer. For a wordsmith - it is gold. No need to pick up that silly phone and wait for someone to answer, listening to the echo of a distant answering machine and your hestitant voice leaving a message. You can send an email, edit it until it is perfect, post on a posting board on just about any topic, write an entry in a livejournal or critique a work of art or if the mood hits bash one. Yet like crack cocaine it can also pull us away from honing our art - if we aren't careful. From seeing it with clear eyes. Or creating one. Everything in moderation as they say - even the internet, which gobbles words ten times a day.
Writing - that harsh mistress, which I have to continue to stroke to keep her from flaying me alive.