I haven't been around lately, but I actually wanted to say I agree with you here. This is just absolutely personal, obviously. But it always seemed to me that the worst thing Willow did was wiping Tara's memory, and whether she had sex with Tara afterward or not doesn't really change the severity of the act much. There is the roofie metaphor, and I think it is definitely there; but it doesn't seem to be the primary metaphor to me, and so the sex aspect of the mindwipe seems not to be the biggest part of it. I think that the memory erasures are as bad as or worse than rape -- already a violation -- but I don't think that the fact that Tara said "how could you violate my mind like that?/how could you do what Glory did?" rather than "how could you rape me?" is a flaw at all. I do tend to think, too, that Angel's actions in "Home" are worse for me personally because he doesn't just take one night or one argument from Connor -- he takes a whole lifetime. Willow taking the argument from Tara's mind in All the Way vs. Angel taking the day from Buffy (and others) in IWRY is, for me, a toss-up if I go objective; if I talk about my own feelings, Angel's actions still bother me more -- but that is because I think Angel really believes that what he's done is right, whereas while Willow I think somewhat buys into her own myth, I think she is on the verge of cracking up. But some of this really just is that I "get" and like Willow more than I get and like Angel, though I do get and like Angel -- it's all personal, I think.

ETA: I actually think that the fact that the Willow/Tara violation is primarily spiritual fits in with the seasonal themes. The AR is primarily physical, because Buffy and Spike are very physical beings, Buffy is "the hand", etc. Just like the alley beating is a physical action. Willow is "the spirit," so her violation is primarily spiritual. Even when she tortures Warren -- she does it without touching him.