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shadowkatI may or may not need to explain this - but will anyhow...because that's how I roll, I guess. Sometime around March, I decided to do a daily chronicle of what it is like to live in a major city, the epicenter, of a pandemic. I tried to write about the aftermath of a pandemic in the past, and I've read others do the same - also about the threat of one through most of the 1990s. So I wanted to keep a record of it. Also writing about it daily, I've found at least, to be helpful for my own mental health. When I write - and this may not be true of everyone - it feels at times like a purging. A means of pouring out the pain, frustration, stress, concern, uncertainty onto the page, and somehow making sense of it in the process. I'm a venter. I need to vent. I don't do ostrich or bear well - I want to look at what is happening, analyze it, make sense of it, and write about it.
And one of the many things I've been struggling with through this crisis is my own tendency to rush to judgement, to place blame, to beat myself up for decisions that had been made ages ago, and my rage. I tend to get angry when I'm stressed out - angry at myself for getting anxious or stressed, and angry at the world for creating the situation that results in it. Meditation and writing help me handle it. I do, however, have triggers - some that I recently discovered the hard way. I've come to the conclusion that I don't take advice, however well-intended, well. And so, I'm learning to restrain myself from giving it in return. You can show concern without providing advice. However, sometimes advice can be very helpful - such as finding a way to fix a tub.
Speaking of said tub? I bought the porcelain patch kit for my tub about four weeks ago. Have I used it? No. Why? I am scared of it, so am procrastinating. I tend to procrastinate doing things that scare me. I will do them eventually, I just have to spend an incredibly long period of time psyching myself up for it. While I'm exceedingly cautious, I'm not risk adverse. I've taken risks that most people haven't - such as moving across the country with no job, and sleeping on a friend's floor in her cockroach ridden apartment in NYC - in hopes of finding one. Then getting a studio apartment with no job in place, just a temporary one in a major city. I told this to a coworker - whose a born and bred Long Islander, and her response was : "You've got guts, I'll give you that." Yep. I just research it thoroughly first. I researched New York City thoroughly, and before I came, I wrote to a friend who told me she'd put me up, and I researched the city to determine that yes, my odds of getting a job in NY as opposed to anywhere else were substantially higher. (Turns out I was right. NYC has a much broader range of jobs for someone with my specific skill set than say a smaller community like Kansas City.) I also knew in the back of my head, whether I admitted it or not, that my brother was moving to NYC. And as much as we bicker - I know I can count on him in a pinch. So my risks are always calculated ones. It is how I think - I'm analytical. I was taught to think analytically by analytical parents. We're very emotional and passionate - make no mistake. And very discriminating in tastes. It's a family trait - it's my superpower - the ability to analyze just about anything, and to see patterns. I don't know who I 'd be without it.
Anyhow, speaking of said tub, my goal is to try and fix it this weekend. I'm just not sure about it. When it comes to domestic or handy-man fix up projects - well, I take after my parents. We're not sure where my brother came from - he takes after my grandparents. My father wouldn't attempt the tub, he'd make the super do it. My mother would attempt it. I'm more like my mother - I'm willing to attempt it - because I'm more afraid of having the super in my bathroom fixing the tub than I am of doing it myself. (Thank you, Coronavirus.)
Why am I afraid of the Coronavirus? Because I've researched it thoroughly. And I know various people who have had it, most of them extended family members. I do not want this virus. I don't know what it will do to me or how my body will handle it. There's a wide range of possibilities. It's the Mutant Zombie Virus That Wasn't or the VIRUS from HELL depending on the makeup of your specific genetic code. You could get a mild case, you could get a case that leaves you with lasting health issues for your entire life ranging from dementia, liver issues, heart issues, the gamut, or you could end up on a respirator and die. It's not a nice virus. An online DW friend posted about having something that sounded a lot like this virus, and her symptoms were crazy-inducing, and she was terrified. My Aunt has had it. My cousins have had it. I'm not taking risks with it, nor is ANYONE in my immediate family. Or extended family for that matter. Actually no on I'm friends with or know online appears to be. We're sane. I read yet another long discussion of the nastiness of the virus on a friend's facebook page, and I thought, ack. No virus. No virus. Then, I read an article about getting it in indoor public spaces and had to remind myself that I've been wandering about my apartment complex since January and the height of the virus in NYC was in February and March, before anyone was taking precautions. If I was going to get it - it would have been then. Not now, that I'm taking precautions. I should be fine doing laundry. It took me a long time to get up the courage to do laundry, if you recall.
Between Crazy Company, National Politics and the Coronavirus...
I'm resenting folks who can take a week or two off from all of this. Just take off and visit friends or family, a nice little holiday in the country.
And pushing back on it. Hard. My brother had friends come up for the holiday weekend, and even with all the protocols he put in place - is beginning to regret doing it. His friends aren't taking the virus seriously. They've been out on Fire Island, congregating, and out and about in the city without masks. And they didn't inform my brother of this until they got up there and it was too late to tell them to go home. So as a result, my brother is quarantining his family again, and checking for the virus. They don't know if they've been infected or not. They are also trying to figure out what to do with my niece in regards to schooling.
On Facebook there were people swimming in lakes and oceans. Playing in fields with small children. And I'm thinking, okay I frakked up my life. Then I take five steps back and remind myself that our choices are the ones we made based on the information we had at the time. They are neither good or bad, nor should we regret them. And comparing our lives to others is unproductive. We are different journeys with different challenges, roles to play, and goals. And no one's life is perfect. And it's ever-changing.
I'd take a week off, but I've no where I can really go without problems. Massive problems. Most of my family lives in the red zone. The only one who doesn't isn't having visitors. And my friends, same. It is what it is.
The best thing I can do right now is what I've been doing to date which is live in the moment, and be grateful for what I have. Not easy sometimes.
Crazy Company
Crazy Company is broke. NY State is broke. Boss told us today that we are in the worst financial situation that we've been in....well in his lifetime at any rate. Both Operating and Capital funds are impacted. Usually it's just one or the other. And they are hunting cost efficiencies and reductions wherever they can find them.
Yes, Boss scared the beejesus out of his entire staff again. He's really good at stressing out his staff. Now we're all terrified of losing our jobs, on top of the virus, returning to work, and well everything else.
We're also all annoyed. See? This is why I don't buy very much and establish a safety net. And live well below my means.
NY State vs. the Coronavirus, the rest of the United States, and the Doofus, mostly the Doofus who appears to be an agent of the virus
The Governor went on another one of his rants today - amusing the heck out of Wales apparently. She called me during his rant.
Wales: Are you watching the Governor?
ME: Wait are you actually at your workplace, calling from work?
Wales: Yes, yes, the Governor is cracking me up. He's hilarious.
Me: Well, yes, he's comical I suppose but I also agree with him.
Wales: I'll talk to you later - I just felt I had to tell you that.
The Governor's rant was regarding our idiotic President and well:
1. His refusal to mandate the wearing of face masks
2. Statement that he can force the states to re-open schools and it is his decision. (It's not. Actually the President has relatively little power over re-opening the economy, schools, etc. What he does have power over - he refuses to do anything about. Why because he's the Doofus.)
3. President's refusal to help with the Coronavirus
The Reporters asked if the Governor was afraid of the President's retaliation.
Governor: Why? He can't do anything to me that he hasn't already done. It's not like he's helped us in anyway. I'm not afraid of him.
Reporters: Really?
Governor: Come on, you can't bully a New Yorker. He's not given us Congestion Pricing. He didn't do the deal on the Tunnel. He didn't help us with the testing. He didn't provide us with PPE. He punished us with a repeal of a tax credit, I can go on. He can't threaten me. (Pause) You can't bully people or threaten people into doing things, you can only do it with love.
The Governor has not forgiven the President, the CDC, and WHO for what happened in March - June. And never ever will. And he is right, NY showed the rest of the country how to beat the virus, but the rest of the country refuses to listen. Dumb Country.
Governor: Now we have a problem. We got the virus under control , but it is spiking everywhere else. And we have over 12,000 people from the infected states traveling in and out of ours on a daily basis - causing all sorts of flare ups. We've been able to trace several to these people to date. We're mandating that they quarantine - but we can only control so much.
Then he showed the map, demonstrating how poor little NY which had done the hard work and got the virus under control was now surrounded by the pesky states that hadn't. Pennsylvania - I'm looking at you, along with Delaware and Ohio and Indiana...sigh.
I'm resisting the urge to do another Foodkick order, I did go grocery shopping this week. Also am getting an Imperfect Foods order tomorrow.
It was raining earlier - so couldn't take my walk, and almost too late now to do it - Greenwood closes at 7PM. I could technically do the Park, but I've been steering clear or Courtelyou - also steering clear for the time being.
Been a bit depressed and anxious today. It'll pass. I hope. Was going to write a lengthy review of Hamilton, but it's hard to care at the moment.
And one of the many things I've been struggling with through this crisis is my own tendency to rush to judgement, to place blame, to beat myself up for decisions that had been made ages ago, and my rage. I tend to get angry when I'm stressed out - angry at myself for getting anxious or stressed, and angry at the world for creating the situation that results in it. Meditation and writing help me handle it. I do, however, have triggers - some that I recently discovered the hard way. I've come to the conclusion that I don't take advice, however well-intended, well. And so, I'm learning to restrain myself from giving it in return. You can show concern without providing advice. However, sometimes advice can be very helpful - such as finding a way to fix a tub.
Speaking of said tub? I bought the porcelain patch kit for my tub about four weeks ago. Have I used it? No. Why? I am scared of it, so am procrastinating. I tend to procrastinate doing things that scare me. I will do them eventually, I just have to spend an incredibly long period of time psyching myself up for it. While I'm exceedingly cautious, I'm not risk adverse. I've taken risks that most people haven't - such as moving across the country with no job, and sleeping on a friend's floor in her cockroach ridden apartment in NYC - in hopes of finding one. Then getting a studio apartment with no job in place, just a temporary one in a major city. I told this to a coworker - whose a born and bred Long Islander, and her response was : "You've got guts, I'll give you that." Yep. I just research it thoroughly first. I researched New York City thoroughly, and before I came, I wrote to a friend who told me she'd put me up, and I researched the city to determine that yes, my odds of getting a job in NY as opposed to anywhere else were substantially higher. (Turns out I was right. NYC has a much broader range of jobs for someone with my specific skill set than say a smaller community like Kansas City.) I also knew in the back of my head, whether I admitted it or not, that my brother was moving to NYC. And as much as we bicker - I know I can count on him in a pinch. So my risks are always calculated ones. It is how I think - I'm analytical. I was taught to think analytically by analytical parents. We're very emotional and passionate - make no mistake. And very discriminating in tastes. It's a family trait - it's my superpower - the ability to analyze just about anything, and to see patterns. I don't know who I 'd be without it.
Anyhow, speaking of said tub, my goal is to try and fix it this weekend. I'm just not sure about it. When it comes to domestic or handy-man fix up projects - well, I take after my parents. We're not sure where my brother came from - he takes after my grandparents. My father wouldn't attempt the tub, he'd make the super do it. My mother would attempt it. I'm more like my mother - I'm willing to attempt it - because I'm more afraid of having the super in my bathroom fixing the tub than I am of doing it myself. (Thank you, Coronavirus.)
Why am I afraid of the Coronavirus? Because I've researched it thoroughly. And I know various people who have had it, most of them extended family members. I do not want this virus. I don't know what it will do to me or how my body will handle it. There's a wide range of possibilities. It's the Mutant Zombie Virus That Wasn't or the VIRUS from HELL depending on the makeup of your specific genetic code. You could get a mild case, you could get a case that leaves you with lasting health issues for your entire life ranging from dementia, liver issues, heart issues, the gamut, or you could end up on a respirator and die. It's not a nice virus. An online DW friend posted about having something that sounded a lot like this virus, and her symptoms were crazy-inducing, and she was terrified. My Aunt has had it. My cousins have had it. I'm not taking risks with it, nor is ANYONE in my immediate family. Or extended family for that matter. Actually no on I'm friends with or know online appears to be. We're sane. I read yet another long discussion of the nastiness of the virus on a friend's facebook page, and I thought, ack. No virus. No virus. Then, I read an article about getting it in indoor public spaces and had to remind myself that I've been wandering about my apartment complex since January and the height of the virus in NYC was in February and March, before anyone was taking precautions. If I was going to get it - it would have been then. Not now, that I'm taking precautions. I should be fine doing laundry. It took me a long time to get up the courage to do laundry, if you recall.
Between Crazy Company, National Politics and the Coronavirus...
I'm resenting folks who can take a week or two off from all of this. Just take off and visit friends or family, a nice little holiday in the country.
And pushing back on it. Hard. My brother had friends come up for the holiday weekend, and even with all the protocols he put in place - is beginning to regret doing it. His friends aren't taking the virus seriously. They've been out on Fire Island, congregating, and out and about in the city without masks. And they didn't inform my brother of this until they got up there and it was too late to tell them to go home. So as a result, my brother is quarantining his family again, and checking for the virus. They don't know if they've been infected or not. They are also trying to figure out what to do with my niece in regards to schooling.
On Facebook there were people swimming in lakes and oceans. Playing in fields with small children. And I'm thinking, okay I frakked up my life. Then I take five steps back and remind myself that our choices are the ones we made based on the information we had at the time. They are neither good or bad, nor should we regret them. And comparing our lives to others is unproductive. We are different journeys with different challenges, roles to play, and goals. And no one's life is perfect. And it's ever-changing.
I'd take a week off, but I've no where I can really go without problems. Massive problems. Most of my family lives in the red zone. The only one who doesn't isn't having visitors. And my friends, same. It is what it is.
The best thing I can do right now is what I've been doing to date which is live in the moment, and be grateful for what I have. Not easy sometimes.
Crazy Company
Crazy Company is broke. NY State is broke. Boss told us today that we are in the worst financial situation that we've been in....well in his lifetime at any rate. Both Operating and Capital funds are impacted. Usually it's just one or the other. And they are hunting cost efficiencies and reductions wherever they can find them.
Yes, Boss scared the beejesus out of his entire staff again. He's really good at stressing out his staff. Now we're all terrified of losing our jobs, on top of the virus, returning to work, and well everything else.
We're also all annoyed. See? This is why I don't buy very much and establish a safety net. And live well below my means.
NY State vs. the Coronavirus, the rest of the United States, and the Doofus, mostly the Doofus who appears to be an agent of the virus
The Governor went on another one of his rants today - amusing the heck out of Wales apparently. She called me during his rant.
Wales: Are you watching the Governor?
ME: Wait are you actually at your workplace, calling from work?
Wales: Yes, yes, the Governor is cracking me up. He's hilarious.
Me: Well, yes, he's comical I suppose but I also agree with him.
Wales: I'll talk to you later - I just felt I had to tell you that.
The Governor's rant was regarding our idiotic President and well:
1. His refusal to mandate the wearing of face masks
2. Statement that he can force the states to re-open schools and it is his decision. (It's not. Actually the President has relatively little power over re-opening the economy, schools, etc. What he does have power over - he refuses to do anything about. Why because he's the Doofus.)
3. President's refusal to help with the Coronavirus
The Reporters asked if the Governor was afraid of the President's retaliation.
Governor: Why? He can't do anything to me that he hasn't already done. It's not like he's helped us in anyway. I'm not afraid of him.
Reporters: Really?
Governor: Come on, you can't bully a New Yorker. He's not given us Congestion Pricing. He didn't do the deal on the Tunnel. He didn't help us with the testing. He didn't provide us with PPE. He punished us with a repeal of a tax credit, I can go on. He can't threaten me. (Pause) You can't bully people or threaten people into doing things, you can only do it with love.
The Governor has not forgiven the President, the CDC, and WHO for what happened in March - June. And never ever will. And he is right, NY showed the rest of the country how to beat the virus, but the rest of the country refuses to listen. Dumb Country.
Governor: Now we have a problem. We got the virus under control , but it is spiking everywhere else. And we have over 12,000 people from the infected states traveling in and out of ours on a daily basis - causing all sorts of flare ups. We've been able to trace several to these people to date. We're mandating that they quarantine - but we can only control so much.
Then he showed the map, demonstrating how poor little NY which had done the hard work and got the virus under control was now surrounded by the pesky states that hadn't. Pennsylvania - I'm looking at you, along with Delaware and Ohio and Indiana...sigh.
I'm resisting the urge to do another Foodkick order, I did go grocery shopping this week. Also am getting an Imperfect Foods order tomorrow.
It was raining earlier - so couldn't take my walk, and almost too late now to do it - Greenwood closes at 7PM. I could technically do the Park, but I've been steering clear or Courtelyou - also steering clear for the time being.
Been a bit depressed and anxious today. It'll pass. I hope. Was going to write a lengthy review of Hamilton, but it's hard to care at the moment.
no subject
Date: 2020-07-09 09:34 am (UTC)I am not always great at balancing concern and advice, and it can indeed both helpful or annoying or both!
I recently heard that some extended family had a large graduation party in Pittsburgh, argh; it's out of our control, just like my own past choices now are. I try not to regret them: some of them were certainly bad but I learned and survived and will make the best of where I now find myself.
no subject
Date: 2020-07-09 12:15 pm (UTC)Also the Headspace app helps me. I'm not sure I could do it without it. I need guided meditation, and I can only do it for ten, twenty minutes tops.
it's out of our control, just like my own past choices now are.
It truly is. Even our choices to some degree are limited by various factors. Genetic makeup, environment, health, etc. I keep wishing I could get more involved in my community's COVID outreach efforts - but I have a full-time job, no mode of transportation outside of my feet, and taking precautions. So I donate money where I can, and lurk until something arises that I can reasonably do. (shrugs).
no subject
Date: 2020-07-09 05:40 pm (UTC)