Day #31 - another rainy day
Apr. 16th, 2021 05:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadowkatIt started out well enough - sunny, then around late morning the clouds rolled back in and it started pouring at 3 pm. So no walk today. Overcast, rainy and cool.
I lifted my hand weights, wall squats, wall push ups, yoga stretches, and hand weight lifting with leg stretches. About thirty minutes worth. Also meditated this morning - the meditation helps me push aside things that make me crazy.
Moment to moment. Find joy in small wonders.
Mother told me today that most of the conversations she has with me - I'm laughing, and she can barely understand what I'm saying. I asked if this was a bad thing. She said no - it was nice to hear me laugh, it was better than the alternatives. It meant I was finding a way to cope - through making fun of stuff. (I've been ruthlessly mocking my insane workplace.)
Got a craving, so made the last of the gluten-free cookie dough that I had in the fridge. It wasn't that much - should be fine. Don't know what I'm doing for dinner however. Need to come up with something soon. Maybe quesadillas - with cheese and chicken and spinach. I have chickpea tortillas that have thawed. Or I could do chicken corn tacos, and hunt down the tomatoes and avocado to make quac.
Went for the corn chicken and cheese tacos, with quac and tomatos, squirt of hot sauce, and some greens. Tasty. Ice cream bar. White Wine Spritizer (Pinot Gris with Mineral Water and squirt of lemon.)
Mother and I briefly discussed father, and both ended up in tears, so that was the end of that. We miss him. The worst part - is he looks perfectly fine, according to mother, when she see him - he's her husband, but when he talks - his mind is clearly a mess. Today he was talking about his various meetings, and how they had to make plans to return home, and make priorities - I think he was back in Australia in his head, it's not clear. Dementia is hell on everyone. I honestly think any disease is better than being hopelessly lost in one's own head. It scares me more than anything else.
Read an article today in the NY Times that stated that we don't have to worry about getting the disease too much if we have the vaccine. That once you are fully vaccinated that your chances of getting COVID are minimal at best. Yes, some due - but it's fairly rare or so they think. Yet, we are told to still wear masks and still do the hand sanitizer and the social distancing. It's not like I can do much. Meditation though is helping me not worry over it or care. The meditation has kept me sane through this.
That and having a job. My DW correspondence journal. The GH fan board on FB. Talking to my mother twice a day. Occasional tweets and phone calls with niece. Occasional phone calls with brother. And walking around my neighborhood and cemetery taking photos of things.
Not thinking is key, I think.
I scanned the NY Times briefing, and felt horrible. There was an article about people showing up, not showing up, and not knowing what to say. And I wondered if the people stating this - looked at themselves and asked these questions? Have they shown up for everyone?
I’ve learned so much more about how isolating it is for anyone who goes through a serious illness at home and how much your world shrinks. Something that a dear friend who had cancer once said, that really resonated with me, was that some people don’t know what to say. Some people say nothing. Some people in your life will not show up. Some people will show up and just say, “Let me know if there’s something I can do,” which isn’t really helpful.
I remember thinking how fortunate we had been, and how people showed up for us. And I tried to pay that forward when I learned of other people I knew who were caring for loved ones, or worried about loved ones who were sick with the virus.
I feel like I've done nothing. And it's been so frustrating. But sometimes doing nothing is best? God knows.
I swing between a weird sense of inertia and a desire to punch the world in the face. But my sense of humor gets me through for the most part. And being able to write. Writing is my salvation.
We're having mass shootings again. The 147th mass shooting happened - a 19 year old who opened fire on the employees of a FedEx facility. God. The news is just...painful. Oh well, it's better than it was in 2020. In 2020 - it was so bad - it was deadening. There's even a song out... Low Key Fuck 2020. 2021 has several plus things going for it:
1. Greedy Old Pricks are either dying or getting their comeuppance.
2. Biden is President, and Kamala Harris is Vice President.
3. The House and Senate are Democrat no Republican
4. Vaccines
5. Opening up not locking down, and finally more fantasy and sci-fi content, plus superhero flicks are back
6. A diverse group of movies - with several women nominated in the director category for the Oscars for the first time ever
7. No wildfires in Australia! (But damn, Australia has some seriously scary spiders - I don't remember seeing any spiders in Australia when I visited it in 1990. Of course I was only in Sydney, Melbourne, the area between that, and Tasmania. Also it's not like we went camping or wandered around much in certain areas. The Spiders in Australia are NOT a plus thing - just in case you were wondering. This is not an endorsement of spiders. I am still an arachnophobe - that will never change. )
8. My niece getting into the London School of Economics Exchange Program - it's just one year, and highly prestigious. Usually kids who are 20 get in.
She's doing it through BARD College. (Now if only there wasn't a pandemic.)
I can't come up with ten at the moment. So feel free to add your own lovely things that make 2021 better than 2020.
I lifted my hand weights, wall squats, wall push ups, yoga stretches, and hand weight lifting with leg stretches. About thirty minutes worth. Also meditated this morning - the meditation helps me push aside things that make me crazy.
Moment to moment. Find joy in small wonders.
Mother told me today that most of the conversations she has with me - I'm laughing, and she can barely understand what I'm saying. I asked if this was a bad thing. She said no - it was nice to hear me laugh, it was better than the alternatives. It meant I was finding a way to cope - through making fun of stuff. (I've been ruthlessly mocking my insane workplace.)
Got a craving, so made the last of the gluten-free cookie dough that I had in the fridge. It wasn't that much - should be fine. Don't know what I'm doing for dinner however. Need to come up with something soon. Maybe quesadillas - with cheese and chicken and spinach. I have chickpea tortillas that have thawed. Or I could do chicken corn tacos, and hunt down the tomatoes and avocado to make quac.
Went for the corn chicken and cheese tacos, with quac and tomatos, squirt of hot sauce, and some greens. Tasty. Ice cream bar. White Wine Spritizer (Pinot Gris with Mineral Water and squirt of lemon.)
Mother and I briefly discussed father, and both ended up in tears, so that was the end of that. We miss him. The worst part - is he looks perfectly fine, according to mother, when she see him - he's her husband, but when he talks - his mind is clearly a mess. Today he was talking about his various meetings, and how they had to make plans to return home, and make priorities - I think he was back in Australia in his head, it's not clear. Dementia is hell on everyone. I honestly think any disease is better than being hopelessly lost in one's own head. It scares me more than anything else.
Read an article today in the NY Times that stated that we don't have to worry about getting the disease too much if we have the vaccine. That once you are fully vaccinated that your chances of getting COVID are minimal at best. Yes, some due - but it's fairly rare or so they think. Yet, we are told to still wear masks and still do the hand sanitizer and the social distancing. It's not like I can do much. Meditation though is helping me not worry over it or care. The meditation has kept me sane through this.
That and having a job. My DW correspondence journal. The GH fan board on FB. Talking to my mother twice a day. Occasional tweets and phone calls with niece. Occasional phone calls with brother. And walking around my neighborhood and cemetery taking photos of things.
Not thinking is key, I think.
I scanned the NY Times briefing, and felt horrible. There was an article about people showing up, not showing up, and not knowing what to say. And I wondered if the people stating this - looked at themselves and asked these questions? Have they shown up for everyone?
I’ve learned so much more about how isolating it is for anyone who goes through a serious illness at home and how much your world shrinks. Something that a dear friend who had cancer once said, that really resonated with me, was that some people don’t know what to say. Some people say nothing. Some people in your life will not show up. Some people will show up and just say, “Let me know if there’s something I can do,” which isn’t really helpful.
I remember thinking how fortunate we had been, and how people showed up for us. And I tried to pay that forward when I learned of other people I knew who were caring for loved ones, or worried about loved ones who were sick with the virus.
I feel like I've done nothing. And it's been so frustrating. But sometimes doing nothing is best? God knows.
I swing between a weird sense of inertia and a desire to punch the world in the face. But my sense of humor gets me through for the most part. And being able to write. Writing is my salvation.
We're having mass shootings again. The 147th mass shooting happened - a 19 year old who opened fire on the employees of a FedEx facility. God. The news is just...painful. Oh well, it's better than it was in 2020. In 2020 - it was so bad - it was deadening. There's even a song out... Low Key Fuck 2020. 2021 has several plus things going for it:
1. Greedy Old Pricks are either dying or getting their comeuppance.
2. Biden is President, and Kamala Harris is Vice President.
3. The House and Senate are Democrat no Republican
4. Vaccines
5. Opening up not locking down, and finally more fantasy and sci-fi content, plus superhero flicks are back
6. A diverse group of movies - with several women nominated in the director category for the Oscars for the first time ever
7. No wildfires in Australia! (But damn, Australia has some seriously scary spiders - I don't remember seeing any spiders in Australia when I visited it in 1990. Of course I was only in Sydney, Melbourne, the area between that, and Tasmania. Also it's not like we went camping or wandered around much in certain areas. The Spiders in Australia are NOT a plus thing - just in case you were wondering. This is not an endorsement of spiders. I am still an arachnophobe - that will never change. )
8. My niece getting into the London School of Economics Exchange Program - it's just one year, and highly prestigious. Usually kids who are 20 get in.
She's doing it through BARD College. (Now if only there wasn't a pandemic.)
I can't come up with ten at the moment. So feel free to add your own lovely things that make 2021 better than 2020.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-17 03:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-17 04:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-18 12:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-18 12:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-18 10:12 am (UTC)I get moments like that sometimes on my walks, it is indeed rather delightful-- I feel, connected, seems the best word I can find for it.
I will note that I can't be the only person out there who cannot do the traditional meditative thing, because my mind simply won't quiet. (Except when falling asleep, and that's not the same thing).
What works for me is distraction. On a lesser level, I've come to realize just recently that's one reason I've always loved music, it provides that function and does so easily, even if it's just playing it in the background while I'm doing something else, like working.
But what happens on the walks is more intense, it's like I lose myself for a few moments or minutes. My annoying subconscious (which doesn't like me because I try not to cater to it-- it only wants me to eat, sleep, or be entertained) shuts up completely and... mmmmmm.
I'm sure this could work for some other folks who've also had problems with the meditation form of brain quieting. Might not have to be walking or exercising, but... distraction.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-18 02:05 pm (UTC)Mindfulness meditation is about "being fully in the moment". Or "quieting" the mind. You don't have to sit cross legged in a room, close your eyes, and sit for twenty minutes without thinking. It can be sitting for about three minutes in a chair and not thinking.
Took me a long time to figure that out. You have thoughts when you meditate, the trick is to let them go or not hold onto them - not to try to control them, not judge them, not worry about them, just kind of notice them the way you might a cloud floating across the sky or a leaf on a stream. Oh that's a thought, how nice.
You can meditate while listening to music, many people do. Or walking in a forest, or staring out at the ocean, or drawing or fixing something - and just focusing on the fixing of it. I find cooking at times meditative, or cleaning. My walks in Greenwood Cemetery are meditative.
And music is definitely meditative. I listen to it all day long while working - it keeps my subconscious mind entertained or distracted. Always have listened to music - while studying or working. I don't often work well in absolute silence. The music calms me.
But what happens on the walks is more intense, it's like I lose myself for a few moments or minutes. My annoying subconscious (which doesn't like me because I try not to cater to it-- it only wants me to eat, sleep, or be entertained) shuts up completely and... mmmmmm.
Agreed. Walking calms me. It used to be running - but my knees gave out when I was in my mid-to-early twenties so that was that with running. (Running also is really hard on the human body and definitely not for everyone - physical therapists and doctors advise against it.) But walking is very meditative for me. Calms me down. Walking around Greenwood Cemetery - often with no one around but birds has kept me sane. I don't know what I'd have done without being able to walk around that Cemetery, particularly last year.
The trick though with meditation is not to distract the mind, or try to control it, but to let it be...and accept it. When a negative thought rolls by, notice the thought, and let it go on by, like watching cars pass on the street. Don't try to jump in with the cars or traffic and direct it. Just let it be.