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Year 2 - day 178...20th Anniversary of 9/11
I've not done much today, besides watch youtube videos, and attempt to work on my novel. I wrote three sentences. Also, took a quick walk to the pharmacy - during which mother called. Called her back - she's doing okay.
Should be released from the hospital tomorrow in her sister's care. Ten days of recovery at home.
I'm feeling lazy. Current plan is to check out either "Annette" or "Cruella" tonight. Cruella's got weirdly positive reviews. I watched the Cinderella revival on Amazon this morning - it was better than expected, or better than reported. There's a lot of crazy-ass musical critics online.
I've removed the phrase "just saying" from my vocabulary - why? It's mean and somewhat juvenile, and why go there?
9/11
It's impossible not to think about 9/11 and live in NYC. I know a lot of folks never want to forget, but I would like to, but the city alas will not let me.
Every night for the last two weeks I've seen the two strobe lights outside my living room window - which faces northwest and has no skyscrapers in the way. They light up the sky with the two platform strobe lights every year between September 1 and September 12.
Last year, they just showed the lights, but avoided the memorial and read the names virtually. This year, people are making pilgrimages to it all week long.
On FB, people are posting where they were and what they were doing on that day.
So here's mine, for anyone who is remotely curious:
On 9/11: Around 7:30 Am in the morning, I took the subway from Brooklyn to the company I was working at just a few miles north of Yankee Stadium in the Bronx.
When it happened - I had three to four people call me in quick succession to tell me. The first was a co-worker - who said the strangest thing just happened, a plane had just flown into one of the towers of the World Trade Center. (We didn't think anything of it - since this happened a lot with private planes. I remember asking if it was a private plane, and she said she'd get back to me.) Before she could do so, Wales called - to see if I was alright (I was supposed to pick up Peter Gabriele tickets at the World Trade Center that morning, but had been running late and decided to do it on the way home from work. He was to be performing at the Trade Center in two weeks. Wales and I had made plans the evening before to see him the weeks to come, it was a huge fall concert.) Co-worker called back to tell me that it wasn't a private plane but a 747 and another plane had just flown into the South Tower. It was bizarre.
Then my Aunt D and Aunt C called me to see if I was okay - I've no idea how they got my work number. They called me at work. This was before smartphones, and I did not own a cell phone.
I remember going up to the deck, in bewilderment and shock to get some air - we had a wooden deck where we ate lunch. I went up there. I was alone at first, and I stared South at the flumes of smoke billowing upwards. I was in the Bronx - and I could see the smoke from that far away. After a while various co-workers joined me. They told me that they'd heard the Pentagon and the Supreme Court had also been hit.
Then two of my co-workers (lunch friends) met me at my desk and one of them, told me that she was going to take the two of us to her house to wait it out. She lived about a mile or two west of the company. The subways had been shut down and all public transportation grounded or halted in the city. I was over twenty miles from my apartment or an hour subway ride away. Also, at that time I was wearing nice work shoes with a thin sole, silk pants suit, and silk white work shirt. None of which I'd be comfortable walking far in or sleeping in for that matter. I had no toiletries with me.
Her family made us a great lunch. Her paintings, bold and bright and beautiful decorated the walls of their small house, which was one story - it wasn't expensive, her parents were Christian Missionaries, of Italian and Puerto Rican descent, they didn't speak a lot of English, mostly Spanish, English was their third language, although my friend spoke English without an accent. She was an artist and worked in Art Index. Together we watched the towers fall on the news in disbelief. And they let me call my grandmother to let her know I was okay. I called my brother to see if he was okay. He'd been watching people jump from the windows of the World Trade Center from his balcony in Chelsea. At first, he thought it was just paper falling, then he realized in horror that it was too big to be paper.
Our parents were in Greece at the time - and they found out from people in Greece coming up to them and telling them how sorry they were. They managed somehow to contact my brother - who informed them that we were both fine.
Somehow, around 3PM that day, the subways were back in service. They took them out of service for most of the day. My friend's brother walked from Mid-Town Manhattan to her house in the Bronx, the equivalent of a four-five hour walk. She told me not to worry, if I couldn't take the subway home, she'd drive me. Our other friend had been picked up by someone earlier. She drove me to the subway around 3PM and I remember getting on. People were crying and shell-shocked. That ride felt interminable. We got stuck several times, once for about 30 minutes under the river, between Manhattan and Brooklyn. People looked at each other in fear every time we got stuck. We were huddled together, saying little or saying too much. It was a packed train.
Finally around Bergen Street - stuck again, I jumped out - tired of being trapped. And I walked home. The sky was...brown. A dusty brown. And brown dust covered literally everything in sight. I watched as paper fell slowly to the ground. Some of it covered the cars. I remember staring at it in disbelief and shock. Finally home, alone, my downstairs neighbor said: "Wasn't this the worst day ever?" I remember nodding and going up stairs. Looking out my bedroom window - which used to have a view of the towers - all I saw was smoke and dust falling from the sky, everything in Brooklyn was covered with it.
The next day I went to work again. Each day the same. I didn't cry. I didn't seem to feel anything really. I was fine until Friday. I hadn't cried. I hadn't reacted at all. Until then. Then on Friday, three days later...for some reason it hit me all at once, and I couldn't stop crying and shaking. I remember almost fainting on the subway the next week, and someone giving me their seat. It took me a long time to shake the events of that day. A very very long time. I still can't watch anything regarding it. And I waited years to visit the site.
At the promenade in Brooklyn Heights, candles and flowers were set all along it in tribute. The Promenade was the best view in Brooklyn of the towers.
And I fell into the Buffy fandom. I wonder to this day - if 9/11 had not happened, would I have fallen into the Buffy fandom and be posting online?
God knows.
Some years later, many in fact, I visited the 9/11 Memorial. It was in 2018, and the sky was blue streaked with white clouds.
Below are photos of the memorial that I visited on that day.
***
Watching "Cruella" - which is interesting. Emma Stone and Emma Thompson are doing a wonderful job of chewing scenery. Fashion is as always? Impractical. What is odd - is the reviewers can't figure out how to get from it to 101 Dalmatians. I can see how. I wonder sometimes if folks can't see the structure of a narrative or story? And the themes? And how did they pass their English Lit courses?
**
Random photo of the day...
The flowers at One World Trade Center...
Should be released from the hospital tomorrow in her sister's care. Ten days of recovery at home.
I'm feeling lazy. Current plan is to check out either "Annette" or "Cruella" tonight. Cruella's got weirdly positive reviews. I watched the Cinderella revival on Amazon this morning - it was better than expected, or better than reported. There's a lot of crazy-ass musical critics online.
I've removed the phrase "just saying" from my vocabulary - why? It's mean and somewhat juvenile, and why go there?
9/11
It's impossible not to think about 9/11 and live in NYC. I know a lot of folks never want to forget, but I would like to, but the city alas will not let me.
Every night for the last two weeks I've seen the two strobe lights outside my living room window - which faces northwest and has no skyscrapers in the way. They light up the sky with the two platform strobe lights every year between September 1 and September 12.
Last year, they just showed the lights, but avoided the memorial and read the names virtually. This year, people are making pilgrimages to it all week long.
On FB, people are posting where they were and what they were doing on that day.
So here's mine, for anyone who is remotely curious:
On 9/11: Around 7:30 Am in the morning, I took the subway from Brooklyn to the company I was working at just a few miles north of Yankee Stadium in the Bronx.
When it happened - I had three to four people call me in quick succession to tell me. The first was a co-worker - who said the strangest thing just happened, a plane had just flown into one of the towers of the World Trade Center. (We didn't think anything of it - since this happened a lot with private planes. I remember asking if it was a private plane, and she said she'd get back to me.) Before she could do so, Wales called - to see if I was alright (I was supposed to pick up Peter Gabriele tickets at the World Trade Center that morning, but had been running late and decided to do it on the way home from work. He was to be performing at the Trade Center in two weeks. Wales and I had made plans the evening before to see him the weeks to come, it was a huge fall concert.) Co-worker called back to tell me that it wasn't a private plane but a 747 and another plane had just flown into the South Tower. It was bizarre.
Then my Aunt D and Aunt C called me to see if I was okay - I've no idea how they got my work number. They called me at work. This was before smartphones, and I did not own a cell phone.
I remember going up to the deck, in bewilderment and shock to get some air - we had a wooden deck where we ate lunch. I went up there. I was alone at first, and I stared South at the flumes of smoke billowing upwards. I was in the Bronx - and I could see the smoke from that far away. After a while various co-workers joined me. They told me that they'd heard the Pentagon and the Supreme Court had also been hit.
Then two of my co-workers (lunch friends) met me at my desk and one of them, told me that she was going to take the two of us to her house to wait it out. She lived about a mile or two west of the company. The subways had been shut down and all public transportation grounded or halted in the city. I was over twenty miles from my apartment or an hour subway ride away. Also, at that time I was wearing nice work shoes with a thin sole, silk pants suit, and silk white work shirt. None of which I'd be comfortable walking far in or sleeping in for that matter. I had no toiletries with me.
Her family made us a great lunch. Her paintings, bold and bright and beautiful decorated the walls of their small house, which was one story - it wasn't expensive, her parents were Christian Missionaries, of Italian and Puerto Rican descent, they didn't speak a lot of English, mostly Spanish, English was their third language, although my friend spoke English without an accent. She was an artist and worked in Art Index. Together we watched the towers fall on the news in disbelief. And they let me call my grandmother to let her know I was okay. I called my brother to see if he was okay. He'd been watching people jump from the windows of the World Trade Center from his balcony in Chelsea. At first, he thought it was just paper falling, then he realized in horror that it was too big to be paper.
Our parents were in Greece at the time - and they found out from people in Greece coming up to them and telling them how sorry they were. They managed somehow to contact my brother - who informed them that we were both fine.
Somehow, around 3PM that day, the subways were back in service. They took them out of service for most of the day. My friend's brother walked from Mid-Town Manhattan to her house in the Bronx, the equivalent of a four-five hour walk. She told me not to worry, if I couldn't take the subway home, she'd drive me. Our other friend had been picked up by someone earlier. She drove me to the subway around 3PM and I remember getting on. People were crying and shell-shocked. That ride felt interminable. We got stuck several times, once for about 30 minutes under the river, between Manhattan and Brooklyn. People looked at each other in fear every time we got stuck. We were huddled together, saying little or saying too much. It was a packed train.
Finally around Bergen Street - stuck again, I jumped out - tired of being trapped. And I walked home. The sky was...brown. A dusty brown. And brown dust covered literally everything in sight. I watched as paper fell slowly to the ground. Some of it covered the cars. I remember staring at it in disbelief and shock. Finally home, alone, my downstairs neighbor said: "Wasn't this the worst day ever?" I remember nodding and going up stairs. Looking out my bedroom window - which used to have a view of the towers - all I saw was smoke and dust falling from the sky, everything in Brooklyn was covered with it.
The next day I went to work again. Each day the same. I didn't cry. I didn't seem to feel anything really. I was fine until Friday. I hadn't cried. I hadn't reacted at all. Until then. Then on Friday, three days later...for some reason it hit me all at once, and I couldn't stop crying and shaking. I remember almost fainting on the subway the next week, and someone giving me their seat. It took me a long time to shake the events of that day. A very very long time. I still can't watch anything regarding it. And I waited years to visit the site.
At the promenade in Brooklyn Heights, candles and flowers were set all along it in tribute. The Promenade was the best view in Brooklyn of the towers.
And I fell into the Buffy fandom. I wonder to this day - if 9/11 had not happened, would I have fallen into the Buffy fandom and be posting online?
God knows.
Some years later, many in fact, I visited the 9/11 Memorial. It was in 2018, and the sky was blue streaked with white clouds.
Below are photos of the memorial that I visited on that day.
***
Watching "Cruella" - which is interesting. Emma Stone and Emma Thompson are doing a wonderful job of chewing scenery. Fashion is as always? Impractical. What is odd - is the reviewers can't figure out how to get from it to 101 Dalmatians. I can see how. I wonder sometimes if folks can't see the structure of a narrative or story? And the themes? And how did they pass their English Lit courses?
**
Random photo of the day...
The flowers at One World Trade Center...
no subject
Well that's alarming. (I saw Peter Gabriel back in 1993, good stuff). I didn't realize the WTC had a performing arts center.
We got stuck several times, once for about 30 minutes under the river, between Manhattan and Brooklyn. People looked at each other in fear every time we got stuck. We were huddled together, saying little or saying too much. It was a packed train.
I had one friend in NYC at the time, and she and her infant were stuck in a stopped subway car under the river at the time of the attack. I don't recall how long they were there in the dark but I know it was at least an hour, maybe more. She had a very long walk to her father's apartment once they got out.
Curious about the connection to Buffy fandom. Why Buffy? Was it the only thing you were fannish about at the time?
no subject
It was outdoors - kind of an open arena. There was the WTC Music Festival - it was scheduled for September 16-26 or thereabouts. It got cancelled obviously.
That day - they shut down the trains and everything - although they did let the ones that were already running make it to their stations. The trains were shut down for about five hours. And companies let everyone out early or told people not to come in. I was already at work. A lot of people walked home. There was over a million people walking over the Brooklyn Bridge, and down the streets.
Why Buffy? Was it the only thing you were fannish about at the time?
I wasn't really fannish about anything prior to 9/11. Oh I liked stuff, and I'd hunt for spoilers. But I'd never really been in a fandom. Never read fanfic. Didn't really know it existed. I think at that time I was watching quite a few things, and discussing them. I loved Buffy - but I didn't read fanfic, write meta, or discuss it online. The only Buffy fansites I knew about were ACIN News - which wasn't really one, but had spoilers here and there, and a few fan websites which were no longer around.
Then 9/11 happened, and a week or so later, Buffy premiered with "Bargaining" - and for the first time I saw something that expressed how I felt about 9/11. Buffy's reactions to her world - were mine, I completely identified with her. Nothing else seemed to resonate. I remember reading Janet Evanovich novels on the train, and becoming engrossed by Buffy.
It wasn't until Once More With Feeling - that I began to get obsessed. And Smashed - sent me hunting fanfiction and spoilers. I went to a friend's birthday party in NJ, shortly after Smashed aired - this was after I returned from visiting my parents for Thanksgiving break. We'd met during a Turkish sailing trip the year before, and had recently traveled to Oregon together to visit another friend and see the wineries. We'd planned on going to Thailand next, we'd even paid a portion of the trip up front (which you had to do) way back in July - but in September we both cancelled because of 9/11. The trip was supposed to take place during the week of my birthday. My plan had been to be sitting beneath a waterfall on my birthday in Thailand in 2002. But, with what was going down at work plus 9/11 - I had no choice but to cancel.
At any rate - at the birthday party - I ran into Buffy fans. I didn't know anyone who watched or loved the show prior to that. After driving them nuts with emails and questions (I was obsessed) - they sent me a link to Spoilerslayer website. Spoilerslayer got tired of my speculation emails, and sent me to Buffy Cross & Stake. Through Spoilerslayer and Buffy Cross & Stake I discovered other websites, fanfiction, and essays on the show. Read everything I could get my hands on. I had my own printer at work. So I could print stuff off. Work was a nightmare - my boss was a serial bully and wanted to get rid of me. I was mostly isolated in my office.
And bored out of my mind.(My work didn't take much time to do - I went through it in a matter of two or three hours.) So, I escaped into the Buffy fanboards.
I remember one of my friends at work commenting at the time that the Buffy Boards were a kind of weird group therapy. They were. There was a woman who posted Buffy meta on the Buffy Cross and Stake Board - named Linda Delurker. And after reading some of her posts, I thought - hmm, I can write that. So I did. And I posted it on characters - that she didn't post on, and other people didn't post on. Through my essays - I was able to deal with my own pain, fear, anxiety, and struggles. I dealt with it by discussing the series and characters. Their journey through the darkness of S6 Buffy - was so similar to my own. And when I landed on a more scholarly fanboard, ATPOBTVS, I was able to dig deeper into the psychology of it. Much later - I realized I had fallen into a dark night of the soul - and the Buffy boards helped me realize I wasn't alone, that they were going through something similar - and this was their way of coping with it.
I fell into fandom as a way of coping with what happened in the fall of 2001. What happened was two things in quick succession:
1. I had found out from a co-worker that my boss was out to get me, and was actively gaslighting me. The boss in question later confirmed that this was true in October during a performance evaluation - where he gave me a low rating based solely on "my personality" nothing else. For an hour - he ripped me apart "personally", to the point that I was in tears. I also found out that outside of two indexers that I went to lunch with every day, the management was in on the gaslighting with my boss. (The story has interesting ending in that - the company was sold ten years later, and everyone who'd been gaslighting me was fired. The boss who'd been bullying others to do it - was fired in disgrace. He'd gotten drunk at a Library Convention and made a fool of himself and the company. I had resigned in the fall of 2002, at the prodding of friends and family. I resigned with dignity. Years later, my replacements were singing my praises, and a friend who'd been bullied into aiding the gaslighting - told me that she missed me and didn't realize how amazing my work had been. Also after the company was sold - she told me that the new owners praised my work - because the content I had licensed was the only content they could keep. I came out of the experience with my dignity intact, and shining like a star, while the boss who gaslit me, couldn't find a job.)
2. 9/11
I basically had a nervous breakdown, and the Buffy fandom became my safety net. It saved me. I saw a psychologist during it - she was horrible. But the Buffy fandom - that became my safety net, my group therapy, my sounding board. When I quite my job, a navy nurse in Japan sent me flowers. Her husband came and took me out to eat. We had a correspondence via email - and apparently we kept each other sane through Buffy. I'd write about work, and so did she, we connected through our love of Spike, science fiction, Buffy, and this sense of isolation and despair. We'd met on the APTOBTVS board.
But I don't think we'd have met if it weren't for those events - 9/11 and what happened at my workplace. I wasn't really involved in any fandom prior to that. It didn't even occur to me to get involved in one.
no subject
https://www.vice.com/en/article/k78j49/how-911-became-fan-fiction-canon
I'm glad you found company, both virtual and in person as a result.
Sorry about the lost Thailand trip. Were you able to take it at a later date?
no subject