Had a conversation with my mother recently about John Steinbeck's EAST OF EDEN, the conversation focused on something that I've been struggling with internly for a while now and that is these nasty human emotions.
Emotions you don't say or write out loud, for fear someone will think poorly of you. Envy, jealousy, anger, rage...Steinbeck is an interesting writer - one who does not back down from discussing the more negative aspects of humanity. In East of Eden, he makes a very strong case for accepting our imperfections. Our capacity for cruelty, meanness - is partly what does make us human. And like it or not, we all have it inside of us.
Monsters.
I don't know how many people out there have actually met a human monster. I have. I have sat across from a human being who killed for selfish purposes and showed no remorse for those killings. He touched my hand. I visited with him. I looked into his eyes. It is not an experience I will forget and it is not one I've seen replicated well onscreen. What was unforgettable about the experience was the person on the other side of that small coffee table we sat at, was human. He was not evil. He was not good. He claimed he was innocent, and I wanted to believe him. But after several visits, discussions with his attorneys, and a thorough inspection of the evidence, I realized he wasn't. He was a hit man. He killed others for money. Didn't think about it. Didn't look back. Each paycheck he got he put towards his dope habit. Until he was finally caught and locked away in Leavenworth Penitentiary.
Looking at this wreck of a human being, and he was a wreck with needle marks up his arms, yellowing eyes, and a slur, my niavete and innocence melted away. No longer would I look at murderers the same way. I couldn't. Because what I saw in front of me was not a monster, it was a man. Who had comitted horrible acts.
I also realized the words of my old criminal defense professor were true: "There but for the grace of god go I." Circumstance, luck, enviroment, genetics, etc had saved me from becoming a monster like this man had become.
What creates a Monster? Is it one act? OR several? The recent movie, MONSTER by Patty Jenkins demonstrates that it takes several acts over time. Most serial killers were abused horribly as children. They weren't born monsters. They didn't come out of the womb that way. Some were raped as children, beaten, tortured, mentally and physically abused. Their families ripped from them. Or they just couldn't connect to them anymore. So psychologically traumatized that in the end they retreated to that world permanently takening out their pain on others.
Not all people who are abused become Monsters. Our lives are not predestined. And the horrible abuse we suffer at the hands of others does not in any way justify the acts we do ourselves. We do have choices.
Even though at times it seems like we don't. That we are compelled to do things. Part of our struggle, is saying no. Not giving into the compulsion.
I keep coming back to two things that revolve over and over in my head...1. people don't become monsters over night, its more than one act, one circumstance that creates them and 2. what role does society play in the creation of human monsters...do we in fact create our own? By our inability to stop at any point what is happening, to intervene, and our own human imperfections which get in the way of helping?
I've found the posts on last night's Angel episode about Spike interesting and lovely, *but* they all are skipping around something that has been bugging me since I first read the spoilers for it.
( Spoilers for ATS 5.11 )Another frigid day outside with windchills. Ugh. Was hoping for a walk outside. Stretch my legs. Shake off the cabin fever and the growing feeling of isolation, which maybe adding to my irritiability.
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