Disconnect

Feeling a little blue yesterday evening and tonight, so turned on the computer and scanned through my friends list - which cheered me up a bit or made me feel a little less alone. That is until I attempted to post myself. I think I deleted two attempts last night.

Have thought up numerous posts this week in my head, but either haven't had the time or the guts to really post them. Mostly the guts. Let's face it, if I really wanted to, I could have taken a sheet of paper, wrote it down on the train ride home, and posted it at home. Why? Why am I suddenly shy about posting stuff in my livejournal? Or anywhere?

I think it's a combination of things, to be honest, a feeling of uncertainity about my surroundings, fear, self-consciousness, and well low-self-esteem. A friend told me a little while ago that posting on the internet is akin to speaking over the loud-speaker in your high school. I think for reasons I don't completely understand, I'm feeling very much that way right now. As if I'm speaking my thoughts over a loud-speaker and I'll say something that I'll regret. Like showing up at school with all the wrong clothes, or something. Not sure that makes a whit of sense. That's the other problem - clarity, finding a way somehow to make the busyness in my brain make sense on paper. Because if I can make sense of it on paper, maybe, it won't be so busy in my brain?

Was watching Joan of Arcadia tonight - the season premiere, I missed the season finale and about six or seven episodes prior to it, can't remember why.
Either watching another show or out to dinner with a friend. At any rate,
the episode was about disconnection. Or the inability to explain to others the scars we bear or the ghosts still haunting us or old wounds which may seem relatively minor (in some cases, ie. mine) to an outsider. I mean it's all relative isn't it? We all bring along a shit-load of baggage to every encounter and who we hit it off with, may have a hell of a lot to do with whether or not the baggage matches or clashes as the case may be. Milan Kunedera in The Unbearable Lightness of Being once wrote how the strength of a relationship depended more often than not on the musical history the two people had in common and the extent that history clashed. Wonder if the same should be said of television shows or movies? After reading a thread in buffyannatator journal entitled confessions of a Star Wars fan, I think it might be.

arethusa2 stated the following quote about art/tv/movies:

I wonder if dreams and art are the same thing. Sleeping, we try to process what happens to us, either with familiar shapes and experiences or watching our experiences mutate reality into fantasy. Awake, we do the same. By creating or observing art we seem to tap into our very core. I'm not sure how to express this. When I see BtVS and AtS elicit such a strong response in people, I can tell that it is giving us something that goes far beyond simple amusement, it explains us to us, validates our experiences somehow. Art takes all those things we hide deep inside, that usually come out only in our dreams, and shows us what we feel, what we fear. And that makes it easier to handle.

I think that's it. Art leaves an imprint. Just as music does. Smells do. A dream. Sense memories. And if a movie or tv show reminds us of something wonderful we smile, painful? we cry. I think the same thing could be said about a movie triology like Star Wars. It elicits a response in the viewer. And that response becomes part of a network of memories inside the viewer that evolve and change and well become as Kundera states their emotional history.

( As an aside, in case anyone out there is even mildly curious, I tend to fall on the Star Wars end of the Trek/Star Wars debate. )

That's a bit deep...I think I'd like to take angela's advice and:
It is entirely likely that I am thinking too much today. I believe I will eat chocolate and read trash for a bit now.

Actually, no...going to bed would be more productive. Since it is nearing one am. And I've slept poorly most of the weak. Can poor sleep affect mood?

Before I stop this horribly long and hopefully coherent ramble - I want to quote a few friends who have managed to express succinctly in their journals the range of feelings I've had this week, far better than I could:

( inability to access livejournal at work )

Oh and in fit of picque discontinued emails from Sunnydale U for a reason stated best by:

( writing on the net and interacting )

Finally rahael, who gets back to the original point of this post - about the feeling of disconnection, which may lie at the root of my gloominess.

( Disconnection and Scar Tissue )