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That was then, this is now...
Jan. 11th, 2005 08:43 pmWas feeling very frustrated today and tonight (I think we're moving into
that time of month, moon, menstruation, tides...moodiness, ugh.), at any
rate - to cheer myself up I decided to go back in time and see what I was thinking in January of 2004 - and grabbed this post:
( Post from mid January 2004 )
The post was about being unemployed and feeling desperate - at that point, I'd been unemployed 14 months. The feeling that I'd never get one. The job I currently have is far from perfect. Actually today it was boring and frustrating. I missed the days in which I could kill the boredom by randomly scanning fan sites, reading and posting on discussion boards and playing on livejournal. But alas, new workplace has a powerful fire wall - the only places I can visit are well, livejournal and my personal email. I don't visit livejournal because the guy in the office behind me can see which websites I visit and it is tracked by the company computer. Not sure I want people at work to know I keep a livejournal just yet. Yet, yet...there is no hell like hunting a job.
It's odd, this year is very different than last year - it's warmer, instead of snow, we have rain. I have a neice. I did not get to spend time in Hilton Head or revisit that cozy feeling of childhood. Where Mom bakes, makes dinner, and
takes you to movies. Or walk on the beach. Still have that frigging chest cold though. For some reason I keep getting one this time of year - no matter what happens - it's the only constant. Odd that.
Life is odd. It's not fair. It's not predictable. It can be incredibly tedious.
Some people seem to get everything they want - at least from a distance. Up close, knowing human nature, I can't help but think they feel the same way about someone else. Unless they are amongst the lucky few and content with what they have and yearn for nothing. Life is also random.
I was talking to my friends pumpkinpuss and cjlasky about the randomness of life recently. Separately not together. On Sat, cjlasky and I discussed it.
Then ironically enough the topic came up again with pumpkinpuss last night.
The funny thing? They both argued, separately, for different reasons and within different contexts, that life was random. There was no pattern or fixed plan or divinity behind it. Things just happened.
I don't know. I happen to think there is a pattern and things have a cause and effect relationship to one another. We just can't always see it because we are too close to it, or in the pattern. Just like a jigsaw puzzel piece would hardly know how it fit inside the puzzel or it's role in that puzzel. Just because there's a pattern doesn't mean there's a divine intelligence behind it, of course. You can create patterns inadvertently. Yet, I can't help but think maybe there is - I don't have any evidence of course, just a gut feeling, some may call blind faith - that there is a force behind the pattern.
That said - I don't think people die because they deserved to die or some such nonsense, nor do I believe they were *meant* to die, that someone actually thought okay this person needs to die now for this to work - I think it just happened because of well the juxtaposition of events. Just as I don't think so and so was meant to be an actress or a writer or a janitor. Not sure this is making a whit of sense, words seem to be garbled inside my head lately, unable to come out quite as I intended. Oh they appear on the page, but the meaning seems somehow warped or it's not quite the right word somehow. I think I'm writing this - to just write, to just get these thoughts out there. And because I'm bored - of TV, of worrying about work and the direction or lack thereof that my life is taking. Last night, a friend told me that at least I had a life. But do I have a life? And what the fuck, excuse the lingo, am I doing with it? Then I watch the news and see the poor souls struggling in Southeast Asia. Or in California. I wish I could help them. But still too poor to really contribute anything. Somehow I find it comforting to think life is a pattern - that each action results in something - that things do have a cause and effect relationship. It is not random. There is meaning. We just can't quite see it all because we are a part of it, and to see it - we'd have to see all the variables and that is impossible, there are just too many. That theory is not only comforting to me somehow but also makes sense. If there is a pattern than somehow, someway, everything will turn out okay. I just have to make through today. I just have to stay in the game. And enjoy this brownie.
This new person I meet. This journal entry I read. Enjoy small moments instead of hunting for bigger ones...
that time of month, moon, menstruation, tides...moodiness, ugh.), at any
rate - to cheer myself up I decided to go back in time and see what I was thinking in January of 2004 - and grabbed this post:
( Post from mid January 2004 )
The post was about being unemployed and feeling desperate - at that point, I'd been unemployed 14 months. The feeling that I'd never get one. The job I currently have is far from perfect. Actually today it was boring and frustrating. I missed the days in which I could kill the boredom by randomly scanning fan sites, reading and posting on discussion boards and playing on livejournal. But alas, new workplace has a powerful fire wall - the only places I can visit are well, livejournal and my personal email. I don't visit livejournal because the guy in the office behind me can see which websites I visit and it is tracked by the company computer. Not sure I want people at work to know I keep a livejournal just yet. Yet, yet...there is no hell like hunting a job.
It's odd, this year is very different than last year - it's warmer, instead of snow, we have rain. I have a neice. I did not get to spend time in Hilton Head or revisit that cozy feeling of childhood. Where Mom bakes, makes dinner, and
takes you to movies. Or walk on the beach. Still have that frigging chest cold though. For some reason I keep getting one this time of year - no matter what happens - it's the only constant. Odd that.
Life is odd. It's not fair. It's not predictable. It can be incredibly tedious.
Some people seem to get everything they want - at least from a distance. Up close, knowing human nature, I can't help but think they feel the same way about someone else. Unless they are amongst the lucky few and content with what they have and yearn for nothing. Life is also random.
I was talking to my friends pumpkinpuss and cjlasky about the randomness of life recently. Separately not together. On Sat, cjlasky and I discussed it.
Then ironically enough the topic came up again with pumpkinpuss last night.
The funny thing? They both argued, separately, for different reasons and within different contexts, that life was random. There was no pattern or fixed plan or divinity behind it. Things just happened.
I don't know. I happen to think there is a pattern and things have a cause and effect relationship to one another. We just can't always see it because we are too close to it, or in the pattern. Just like a jigsaw puzzel piece would hardly know how it fit inside the puzzel or it's role in that puzzel. Just because there's a pattern doesn't mean there's a divine intelligence behind it, of course. You can create patterns inadvertently. Yet, I can't help but think maybe there is - I don't have any evidence of course, just a gut feeling, some may call blind faith - that there is a force behind the pattern.
That said - I don't think people die because they deserved to die or some such nonsense, nor do I believe they were *meant* to die, that someone actually thought okay this person needs to die now for this to work - I think it just happened because of well the juxtaposition of events. Just as I don't think so and so was meant to be an actress or a writer or a janitor. Not sure this is making a whit of sense, words seem to be garbled inside my head lately, unable to come out quite as I intended. Oh they appear on the page, but the meaning seems somehow warped or it's not quite the right word somehow. I think I'm writing this - to just write, to just get these thoughts out there. And because I'm bored - of TV, of worrying about work and the direction or lack thereof that my life is taking. Last night, a friend told me that at least I had a life. But do I have a life? And what the fuck, excuse the lingo, am I doing with it? Then I watch the news and see the poor souls struggling in Southeast Asia. Or in California. I wish I could help them. But still too poor to really contribute anything. Somehow I find it comforting to think life is a pattern - that each action results in something - that things do have a cause and effect relationship. It is not random. There is meaning. We just can't quite see it all because we are a part of it, and to see it - we'd have to see all the variables and that is impossible, there are just too many. That theory is not only comforting to me somehow but also makes sense. If there is a pattern than somehow, someway, everything will turn out okay. I just have to make through today. I just have to stay in the game. And enjoy this brownie.
This new person I meet. This journal entry I read. Enjoy small moments instead of hunting for bigger ones...