Forgot to post this...which, well is too painful to include in the previous post.
Emma Caulfield Ford aka Anya from BTVS on her long, sometimes forgotten history with violenceThis is a painful and oddly inspiring read. I almost cried at work while reading it on my phone. But it does explain a few things about the actress -- why she seems to curl into herself physically in public speaking engagements.
Actress Emma Caulfield Ford opens up about the four times she was assaulted—and how she's ready to tell her story
There’s something about me that only one or two people know: I’ve been physically assaulted a whopping four times in my life. Yet for the most part, I had forgotten about it.
(Before I explain, I should warn you that these assaults are violent. If you’ve been attacked, this could be triggering. But I hope in telling my story, that you will find a way to voice your “forgotten” stories, too.)
Do you ever hear a song from your childhood playing somewhere random? BAM! Suddenly, you smell the perfume you once wore, or see trees whizzing by you from the back seat of your parents’ car. Time goes by, and you forget all about that song you were happy to have remembered. Until one day, years later, you hear the song play once more. And you say, I remember this song! I remember when I remembered it after having forgotten about it the first time… It’s like that.
The first time I was assaulted I was 8 years old. It was recess time at school, and the two most popular boys in class were playing soccer. Oh man, did I have crushes on them. They were the dreamiest little punks, and I so wanted them to like me back. They didn’t. They were mean to me if they spoke to me at all.
It was my mom who said something like, “The meaner they are to you, the more they must like you.” In my head I didn’t think that made any sense, but she was my mom, and she knew stuff. I think she followed it up with, “Boys are so dumb at that age.” We had variations of that talk throughout my childhood. (P.S. I love you mom. You are the best.)
Anyway, the popular boys… I remember their names, the color of their hair, and (in retrospect) their bad taste in clothes. Watching them do anything was basically the highlight of my every day. They knew it, too. They liked the attention. I don’t remember exactly how Crush A fell down. I think he tripped over the soccer ball and fell into a bush. l laughed, of course. To this day, people falling down unexpectedly is my kind of humor. I wasn’t mocking him. I was simply reacting. But the moment Crush A saw me laughing “at” him, I was in trouble. With unnatural speed Crush A and Crush B pounced. Pinned against a fence, I was unable to move away from their steady stream of hard kicks.
It's painful depiction of how increasingly violent and horrible our society is. And how we continue to enable and encourage this behavior towards others. It's inspiring because the actress never once gives into violence or revenge, and manages to survive it as a kind and giving human being.
I told this to my mother and she said we were both lucky never to have experienced this level of violence. I wouldn't call it luck. I would call it deliberate avoidance of certain people, areas, and situations. Also the fact that unlike Emma, who is tiny, about 5'4, if that. I am 6 foot and well over 190 pounds. Even as a kid, I was bigger and taller than most of the people in my class. They did not mess with me. And I had a kid brother, who was three years younger and sprouted to 6'5 and is wicked strong. Not to mention my father is 6'3 and my mother is 5'9. We're half Viking.
I intimidate people. And most of the men in my area come to my chest. The women are also tiny.
And, I was a runner as a kid. I could outrun most people. Not to mention a really strong swimmer who could hold my breath under water for two laps across the pool. Plus I could climb really well.
Did people tease and bully me? Yeah, verbally. They tried to do it physically, but I either out ran them, climbed up a tree, or fought back. It's really frigging hard to attack and hurt a little girl who is twice your size and body weight, and wicked fast on her feet. Not to mention had a sixth sense about people -- I got a glimmer of a threat -- I was off like a rocket.
But I've met women like Emma, who are tiny and not able to fight back. Many of my friends. I remember standing in a bar and getting a guy to back off of a friend of mine with little more than a death glare. He was 5'5, she was 5'2, I was 6 foot. I just looked down my nose at him and sized him up, raised my brows and with my eyes stated, "really? do you really think you can get away with molesting my friend, you asshole?" I said with my eyes and body language. He left.
And I remember a bunch of construction workers trying to molest me. I was either taller or their size and I easily removed their hand from my wrist, made sure they felt my strength when I did it, and made it clear to not do it again.
I like men. A lot. Like women too. Love humans.
But.
You fuck with me, fellas? I will not think twice about kicking or kneeing you hard in the groin five times to get away. OR screaming my bloody head off -- and my voice can carry across two football fields, if I want it too. I never have had to. Is it because I'm lucky?? No. It's because they most likely sense it and steer clear. And if they don't, I steer clear of them.
Bullies and thugs don't like to pick on people who can fight back or hurt them, they like to pick on people who appear and are weaker they than they are. Not people who are stronger. That's what makes them cowards. Weak. And why we as a society should publically shame bullies. And veer clear of them. And stop rewarding the rank assholes.
I'm not lucky. I'm big and tough and street smart. That's all.
But...I fear for those who were not lucky enough to be born big and tough and street smart. And I have to admit as the years have passed, I've learned to run from these people not face them down. They often have weapons, like guns.
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