Gloomy Morning
Dec. 3rd, 2023 10:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadowkatIt's a gloomy morning and my mood, for once, matches the weather outside.
Rain pitters and pats on the A/C. And the leaves for the most part are gone from the trees overhead. The sky a dull dirty white burgeoning on washed out gray.
My tiny store bought Christmas tree flashes its yellow lights in the window next to a ceramic painted angel that lost its hands, with a stained glassed blue and white star above them both, and one solitary stuck on plastic snowflak on the window frame.
I've not eaten breakfast yet, and am currently debating either a store bought vegan gluten free, low in sugar blueberry donut, or a flax blueberry muffin. And if adventurous? Almond flour pancakes and bacon. Which will most likely serve for lunch as well.
My brain has been in a foggy state most of the weekend. Thoughts drift but rarely hold. And I find it difficult to focus. Often just staring into space thinking of nothing at all. Or worrying over the things that seem missing, the gaps. Reminding myself that all of this is temporary, and will soon be forgotten. This mood. This feeling. It feels like eternity now, but is in reality just a few scant moments in time, hardly worth mentioning really.
It's reassuring. In a way. A drift log in a river ...to hold onto? That this too shall pass. Things will change.
**
Tomorrow, I have to get the sleep study device and information from The Preston Tisch Center for Men's Health. Hopefully the co-payment will be as estimated, the twenty-five dollars. And then, if the weather is nice (not raining), I may skip over to Rockerfeller Center and look at the Christmas Trees, and in the store windows - specifically the Lego Store, among others on Fifth Avenue. Most of the Department Stores are long gone now...along with their dressed up windows, particularly Lord and Taylor's which is too far down the street anyhow. It's enough to make me miss the earlier part of the century.
There's other things to deal with tomorrow - but I refuse to focus on them now.
I need to find things to look forward to. I need to start going to my church again. I need to make myself go out to a movie or a play. Not just work and home and doctor's appointments. Right now, I need to get myself to put snowflake lights in my window and set up another tiny store bought Christmas tree with bright lights somewhere in the apartment. I've not done so yet - because there's not really any place for it? I thought about getting a tiny real Christmas tree yesterday - but it's more trouble than it's worth and again where to put it?
Also need to figure out the gift-giving bit - outside of Wales, who I already bought something for - I can't think of what to give anyone else. Maybe All Birds Shoes for Momma? They are soft and wool, and easy.
There are good things to take away from the week. Many good things. So why is it that they seem not to register, and I just feel blank and tired and lonely and glum?
Perhaps it's just the weather. Or maybe circulatory overload? Maybe pancakes and a happy show will help dispel it? Get off the internet, which is doing the opposite? The internet with its countless bits of do-dads can at times make it feel as if life is nothing more than on of those puff-pastries that someone forgot to fill.
Rain pitters and pats on the A/C. And the leaves for the most part are gone from the trees overhead. The sky a dull dirty white burgeoning on washed out gray.
My tiny store bought Christmas tree flashes its yellow lights in the window next to a ceramic painted angel that lost its hands, with a stained glassed blue and white star above them both, and one solitary stuck on plastic snowflak on the window frame.
I've not eaten breakfast yet, and am currently debating either a store bought vegan gluten free, low in sugar blueberry donut, or a flax blueberry muffin. And if adventurous? Almond flour pancakes and bacon. Which will most likely serve for lunch as well.
My brain has been in a foggy state most of the weekend. Thoughts drift but rarely hold. And I find it difficult to focus. Often just staring into space thinking of nothing at all. Or worrying over the things that seem missing, the gaps. Reminding myself that all of this is temporary, and will soon be forgotten. This mood. This feeling. It feels like eternity now, but is in reality just a few scant moments in time, hardly worth mentioning really.
It's reassuring. In a way. A drift log in a river ...to hold onto? That this too shall pass. Things will change.
**
Tomorrow, I have to get the sleep study device and information from The Preston Tisch Center for Men's Health. Hopefully the co-payment will be as estimated, the twenty-five dollars. And then, if the weather is nice (not raining), I may skip over to Rockerfeller Center and look at the Christmas Trees, and in the store windows - specifically the Lego Store, among others on Fifth Avenue. Most of the Department Stores are long gone now...along with their dressed up windows, particularly Lord and Taylor's which is too far down the street anyhow. It's enough to make me miss the earlier part of the century.
There's other things to deal with tomorrow - but I refuse to focus on them now.
I need to find things to look forward to. I need to start going to my church again. I need to make myself go out to a movie or a play. Not just work and home and doctor's appointments. Right now, I need to get myself to put snowflake lights in my window and set up another tiny store bought Christmas tree with bright lights somewhere in the apartment. I've not done so yet - because there's not really any place for it? I thought about getting a tiny real Christmas tree yesterday - but it's more trouble than it's worth and again where to put it?
Also need to figure out the gift-giving bit - outside of Wales, who I already bought something for - I can't think of what to give anyone else. Maybe All Birds Shoes for Momma? They are soft and wool, and easy.
There are good things to take away from the week. Many good things. So why is it that they seem not to register, and I just feel blank and tired and lonely and glum?
Perhaps it's just the weather. Or maybe circulatory overload? Maybe pancakes and a happy show will help dispel it? Get off the internet, which is doing the opposite? The internet with its countless bits of do-dads can at times make it feel as if life is nothing more than on of those puff-pastries that someone forgot to fill.