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shadowkat[As an aside it is much easier to apply for unemployement insurance than I thought. You just need a 'record of unemployement' from your previous employer. Also it's a weekly thing and you do it online not in person. Yes, you need to attend a monthly 're-employment' meeting. But that's about it. Plus if I took a temp job for six months, was out of work again at the end of it, I could still get unemployment for the period I'm out of work - I don't in short lose my claim. Good to know. Thought I'd pass it on to rest of you, assuming of course all the states in the US of A are alike in this.]
IF MY LAUGH OFFENDS THEE..... or musings on how to handle being offended.
Been thinking about this quite a bit lately...partly due to what I read at the writercon site and in several lj's on my flist regarding the situation, but also due to experiences in my own life. Past and present.
I've lost count of the number of times I've seen what can best be entitled a kerfuffle, at worste a flame war due to something someone said or something someone saw, witnessed, or overheard that was "OFFENSIVE" to them.
More often than not - they will state in their post or the discussion, this is OFFENSIVE to me.
And at work, I've heard people make comments about human rights that they felt should be curtailed because they are offensive to them.
My first response is: "So what? Why should I care that it is offensive to you? Why should that matter? Why do I give a rat's ass that this offends you?" (This is usually my reaction if it is something I liked, enjoyed, feel strongly about, or want. My thought process is - why should your desires/values/well-being came before mine? Why do I need to bow to you? And this is coupled by an overwhelming desire to take something away from this person, some essential right, something they enjoy and love with the explaination - 'I'm sorry it offended me, so you can't have it.')
That is my first response, which being human is invariably an emotional one.
(And why it is wise when reading posts on the internet, to jump off for a few hours and chill before attempting to respond, assuming you wish to respond at all. It is also wise, when someone tells you face to face, to take a breath, and not go with that initial emotional response that more often than not gets you into trouble (okay, me into trouble).)
When I think about it - I realize the incredible number of things that offend me. That I put up with on a daily basis. And it does not come close to the number of things that offend someone who is classified as a societial 'minority' based on skin color, weight, religion, ethnicity, race, sexual orientation, etc. It's hard to avoid some of them. And at times, it can feel as if I'm wandering about my life with blinders on - in the attempt to ignore them. It can't offend you - if you refuse to acknowledge or look at it, right?
My rules regarding things that "offend" me are simple:
1) Can I avoid it?
2)Would doing away with it hurt someone else in a way that hurts us all far more than just doing away with the offensive object?
3) By the same token, would plucking out the offensive thing - hurt someone else in a horrible way, deprive them of their rights, their liberty, their mental and emotional happiness - just to give me peace of mind or make me comfortable?
4) Would removing the offensive thing take something way that is far more important and vital?
5)Again, can I avoid, close my eyes, not focus on it? Does it really, if I'm honest with myself affect my life in a direct way?
All of which go towards answering that question - "So what if it offends me? Why should you care?"
Flipping it on the other side, or rather answering the question I posed as my first response - what if something I do offends you? Why should I care?
I can think of five reasons off the top of my head, which I won't bore you with, since they are sort of obvious. And, it really depends on what you plan on doing about it, doesn't it?
Will you stop being my friend? Will you blast me for it? Will you start a campaign to ensure that if I do it again, I'm thrown in prison?
(All actions that have a heck of lot to do with the severity of the offense. Or how badly this act, art, creation, post, what have you - has offended you.)
It also invariably depends on how much power you have.
Online - the people with power rule the roost. If you say something that offends the person who owns the posting board you are on, you will most likely get booted - unless of course you have made quite a few friends on that board whom the owner cares about and knows they'll piss off/offend by booting you off. Safety in numbers. And majority rules. Like it or not. If, however, you have pissed off the people on the board and offended them - you may find yourself booted by the owner or warned. On lj - if you piss off the best friend of the lj owner you are posting on - watch out. Or say you offend the owner by a response?
If you can persuade others that the act, work, what-have-you is offensive and hurts them as much as it hurts you and that they should care that it hurts you - then you got power to do something about it. If, however, your attempt in persuading them only serves to offend them, ie - what you find offensive or the fact you find it offensive - offends someone else even more, to the extent that any actions you may take could deprive them of it result in the deprivation of an important and necessary right or enjoyable activity - expect to get kicked. Or online, flamed.
It's common sense really. Was thinking on it in the shower this morning.
A perfect example is a conversation I had with a pal of mine several years back. She told me that she could not stand my laugh during a movie. That my laugh offended her. Okay. How did I reacte to this? I basically told her she had a choice - she could either put up with it the same way I put up with all her idiosyncrasies that make me nuts, or we aren't friends. To emphasize this point, I cut contact. Completely. For two months. Two months later - she came back, deeply apologetic, embarrassed, and filled with remorse. "I'm so sorry. You were completely right." It did take a long time for us to see a movie together again. Okay, maybe that's not such a perfect example.
Another one - is the whole same-sex marriage controversy.
A co-worker told me a year or so ago that she found the idea of same-sex marriage offensive. She did not mind homosexuals having relationships, but did not see why they should get married. The co-worker is Catholic. Raised in the Catholic church with a strict Catholic upbringing. To the co-worker - marriage is a sacrament, that takes place in a church, with a priest. It is sacred. And it is done with the intent to have children. A same-sex marriage taking place in a church, from her point of view, is akin to spitting on that sacrament, or making fun of it. Making it absurd.
This is not a belief I agree with and is amongst the many reasons I have not been inside a Catholic Church in two years, even though I was raised Catholic. Because that exclusion is evidence that the title "Catholic" which means universial is not only ironic but a bit of a joke. That's how I feel about it. It is my opinion.
The problem is - much like my friend (who has a habit of sighing through films to my utmost annoyance) and me (my laughter) - you have to come to a compromise, because let's face it We have to live with people who do not share our views and who have traits that make us crazy. And unless those views/traits infringe on our personal welfare, we need to learn how to tolerate what offends us.
The co-worker can ignore same-sex marriages that happen in churches. She does not need to read about them. She can refuse to attend them. No one is pushing them in her face. But the person who loves and wishes to marry someone of the same sex - their rights are diminished if they are told they can't get married. They are excluded. Left out in the cold - in regards to many legal protections and rights that are available to people who do get married - such as death benefits, power of attorney, insurance, etc. Of the two - it is far easier for my co-worker to change her mind, to tolerate the offense - than it is for the two people not to get married just because it offends her.
Same deal with me and my friend - it is easier for my friend to put up with my squeaky laughter than for me to stop laughing.
I think when we talk about things that offend or even annoy us, the question is simple? Is it easier to avoid or tolerate the offense than to attempt to destroy or pluck it out by its roots? What is gained and what is lost either way?
IF MY LAUGH OFFENDS THEE..... or musings on how to handle being offended.
Been thinking about this quite a bit lately...partly due to what I read at the writercon site and in several lj's on my flist regarding the situation, but also due to experiences in my own life. Past and present.
I've lost count of the number of times I've seen what can best be entitled a kerfuffle, at worste a flame war due to something someone said or something someone saw, witnessed, or overheard that was "OFFENSIVE" to them.
More often than not - they will state in their post or the discussion, this is OFFENSIVE to me.
And at work, I've heard people make comments about human rights that they felt should be curtailed because they are offensive to them.
My first response is: "So what? Why should I care that it is offensive to you? Why should that matter? Why do I give a rat's ass that this offends you?" (This is usually my reaction if it is something I liked, enjoyed, feel strongly about, or want. My thought process is - why should your desires/values/well-being came before mine? Why do I need to bow to you? And this is coupled by an overwhelming desire to take something away from this person, some essential right, something they enjoy and love with the explaination - 'I'm sorry it offended me, so you can't have it.')
That is my first response, which being human is invariably an emotional one.
(And why it is wise when reading posts on the internet, to jump off for a few hours and chill before attempting to respond, assuming you wish to respond at all. It is also wise, when someone tells you face to face, to take a breath, and not go with that initial emotional response that more often than not gets you into trouble (okay, me into trouble).)
When I think about it - I realize the incredible number of things that offend me. That I put up with on a daily basis. And it does not come close to the number of things that offend someone who is classified as a societial 'minority' based on skin color, weight, religion, ethnicity, race, sexual orientation, etc. It's hard to avoid some of them. And at times, it can feel as if I'm wandering about my life with blinders on - in the attempt to ignore them. It can't offend you - if you refuse to acknowledge or look at it, right?
My rules regarding things that "offend" me are simple:
1) Can I avoid it?
2)Would doing away with it hurt someone else in a way that hurts us all far more than just doing away with the offensive object?
3) By the same token, would plucking out the offensive thing - hurt someone else in a horrible way, deprive them of their rights, their liberty, their mental and emotional happiness - just to give me peace of mind or make me comfortable?
4) Would removing the offensive thing take something way that is far more important and vital?
5)Again, can I avoid, close my eyes, not focus on it? Does it really, if I'm honest with myself affect my life in a direct way?
All of which go towards answering that question - "So what if it offends me? Why should you care?"
Flipping it on the other side, or rather answering the question I posed as my first response - what if something I do offends you? Why should I care?
I can think of five reasons off the top of my head, which I won't bore you with, since they are sort of obvious. And, it really depends on what you plan on doing about it, doesn't it?
Will you stop being my friend? Will you blast me for it? Will you start a campaign to ensure that if I do it again, I'm thrown in prison?
(All actions that have a heck of lot to do with the severity of the offense. Or how badly this act, art, creation, post, what have you - has offended you.)
It also invariably depends on how much power you have.
Online - the people with power rule the roost. If you say something that offends the person who owns the posting board you are on, you will most likely get booted - unless of course you have made quite a few friends on that board whom the owner cares about and knows they'll piss off/offend by booting you off. Safety in numbers. And majority rules. Like it or not. If, however, you have pissed off the people on the board and offended them - you may find yourself booted by the owner or warned. On lj - if you piss off the best friend of the lj owner you are posting on - watch out. Or say you offend the owner by a response?
If you can persuade others that the act, work, what-have-you is offensive and hurts them as much as it hurts you and that they should care that it hurts you - then you got power to do something about it. If, however, your attempt in persuading them only serves to offend them, ie - what you find offensive or the fact you find it offensive - offends someone else even more, to the extent that any actions you may take could deprive them of it result in the deprivation of an important and necessary right or enjoyable activity - expect to get kicked. Or online, flamed.
It's common sense really. Was thinking on it in the shower this morning.
A perfect example is a conversation I had with a pal of mine several years back. She told me that she could not stand my laugh during a movie. That my laugh offended her. Okay. How did I reacte to this? I basically told her she had a choice - she could either put up with it the same way I put up with all her idiosyncrasies that make me nuts, or we aren't friends. To emphasize this point, I cut contact. Completely. For two months. Two months later - she came back, deeply apologetic, embarrassed, and filled with remorse. "I'm so sorry. You were completely right." It did take a long time for us to see a movie together again. Okay, maybe that's not such a perfect example.
Another one - is the whole same-sex marriage controversy.
A co-worker told me a year or so ago that she found the idea of same-sex marriage offensive. She did not mind homosexuals having relationships, but did not see why they should get married. The co-worker is Catholic. Raised in the Catholic church with a strict Catholic upbringing. To the co-worker - marriage is a sacrament, that takes place in a church, with a priest. It is sacred. And it is done with the intent to have children. A same-sex marriage taking place in a church, from her point of view, is akin to spitting on that sacrament, or making fun of it. Making it absurd.
This is not a belief I agree with and is amongst the many reasons I have not been inside a Catholic Church in two years, even though I was raised Catholic. Because that exclusion is evidence that the title "Catholic" which means universial is not only ironic but a bit of a joke. That's how I feel about it. It is my opinion.
The problem is - much like my friend (who has a habit of sighing through films to my utmost annoyance) and me (my laughter) - you have to come to a compromise, because let's face it We have to live with people who do not share our views and who have traits that make us crazy. And unless those views/traits infringe on our personal welfare, we need to learn how to tolerate what offends us.
The co-worker can ignore same-sex marriages that happen in churches. She does not need to read about them. She can refuse to attend them. No one is pushing them in her face. But the person who loves and wishes to marry someone of the same sex - their rights are diminished if they are told they can't get married. They are excluded. Left out in the cold - in regards to many legal protections and rights that are available to people who do get married - such as death benefits, power of attorney, insurance, etc. Of the two - it is far easier for my co-worker to change her mind, to tolerate the offense - than it is for the two people not to get married just because it offends her.
Same deal with me and my friend - it is easier for my friend to put up with my squeaky laughter than for me to stop laughing.
I think when we talk about things that offend or even annoy us, the question is simple? Is it easier to avoid or tolerate the offense than to attempt to destroy or pluck it out by its roots? What is gained and what is lost either way?
