![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadowkatYou ever wonder when you become a fan of a particular tv series, book series or film series that you may be reading or seeing more in the thing than is actually there? And by fan - I mean obsessive to the point of writing about it and searching out fan boards and fanfiction, that type of obsession. Or getting really intrigued by a relationship or thread in it - thinking whoa this is sooo coool. Love. Because something in it grabs you - a thread or character or something.
But you have this nagging little worry or at least it starts out that way ... that maybe, just maybe what I saw isn't there at all? Maybe it's just an illusion? All in my head? Maybe the writer never intended that? Maybe what I fell in love with - was in my own head and projected by me onto the work? Maybe I read more than was actually there? (And when other fans voice this skepticism in their critiques of the work or in posts, you feel the oddest desire to kick them, for stating what you fear in words, making it real? You don't want to read their negativity, for fear they may be right...)
And..then one day, you realize, damn that's not just a maybe, not just a nagging little worry, but, wait.. it's actually true? REAL. There's proof that you can't ignore? What you saw isn't there?? You may read it in a writer's interview or blog - where the writer tells you this straight up. Or they'll write the penultimate chapter of their work and there it is - proof that what you loved in the tale they were weaving, what turned you into a fan - was never there at all? That you were wrong. And..you feel like an idiot for believing it or wanting it to be otherwise?
Sort of like waking up one morning and being told by someone who would know, an established authority on the topic that you actually do trust - that there's no fairies, no Santa Clause, and no magic - all rolled up in one, when you are about 12.
Disappointment, while a fitting word, I think is an understatement.
As an aside, while I know it's not really a word, I prefer "bummed" to discontent. The sound of it fits my mood better. (Also, while this is really off topic? I think I just found out via Facebook that my cousin and his wife who were so in love about five months ago, got a divorce. Facebook is a bewildering medium.)
ETA: Really not about Buffy or whedon this time, although I'm sure it looks like it is...;-) (I'm whinging about a completely different series that I got momentarily enthralled by, and now, sigh, it's gone. Stupid writer.
But you have this nagging little worry or at least it starts out that way ... that maybe, just maybe what I saw isn't there at all? Maybe it's just an illusion? All in my head? Maybe the writer never intended that? Maybe what I fell in love with - was in my own head and projected by me onto the work? Maybe I read more than was actually there? (And when other fans voice this skepticism in their critiques of the work or in posts, you feel the oddest desire to kick them, for stating what you fear in words, making it real? You don't want to read their negativity, for fear they may be right...)
And..then one day, you realize, damn that's not just a maybe, not just a nagging little worry, but, wait.. it's actually true? REAL. There's proof that you can't ignore? What you saw isn't there?? You may read it in a writer's interview or blog - where the writer tells you this straight up. Or they'll write the penultimate chapter of their work and there it is - proof that what you loved in the tale they were weaving, what turned you into a fan - was never there at all? That you were wrong. And..you feel like an idiot for believing it or wanting it to be otherwise?
Sort of like waking up one morning and being told by someone who would know, an established authority on the topic that you actually do trust - that there's no fairies, no Santa Clause, and no magic - all rolled up in one, when you are about 12.
Disappointment, while a fitting word, I think is an understatement.
As an aside, while I know it's not really a word, I prefer "bummed" to discontent. The sound of it fits my mood better. (Also, while this is really off topic? I think I just found out via Facebook that my cousin and his wife who were so in love about five months ago, got a divorce. Facebook is a bewildering medium.)
ETA: Really not about Buffy or whedon this time, although I'm sure it looks like it is...;-) (I'm whinging about a completely different series that I got momentarily enthralled by, and now, sigh, it's gone. Stupid writer.
