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shadowkat"Perhaps writing is the route to our ultimate hapiness, or maybe it's only a dream."
My friend, Celebalen wrote me this in an email recently, I reproduce it here because I found it oddly reassuring, which I believe may have been his intent.
Right now I feel as if writing is the one thing that I can rely on - I escape into it at times like a child might into a warm blanket - the world of words.
As a small child - I used to go to bed with a stack of books, tucked into bed with me, I would hug them like someone might hug a teddy bear, even though I could not begin to read most of them. Books to my child's mind did not reject, or harm, they merely opened up doors to new worlds and new friends whose voices echoed in one's mind. Now, I find myself retreating to the internet to hunt posts, essays, journal entries...providing the same hopes, dreams and reassurance as those books did then.
I find I need lots of reassurance this month. For you see, fear that old enemy has begun to seep more and more into my thoughts of late. And I'm not talking about the fear of getting a job or paying the rent - that's an old fear which I've actually begun to get used to. No, this is a new fear, one I'm unfamilar with and not quite sure how to handle -this new fear has me second-guessing choices, past behaviors, and my future direction. It has me wondering about things like "natural selection", "sanity", and "mortality". It also has me wondering if I'm just a drama queen worrying about things that may or may not be.
Fear
I’m not sure why I’m writing about this or even if I should post it on the internet. Or if I can even do it coherently right now. Feeling very incoherent and scattered lately, anxiety does that to me.
I can of course always delete or even privatize it. Perhaps I’m writing, because I hope that by writing about it, I can somehow push myself past the fear that’s snake like coils keep winding its way up through my body. Fear – big voice, but very tiny in reality. I usually laugh at my fears, gallows humor runs in my family. When my grandfather had lost his mind and was wandering into the extra bedroom closet to pee – he thought it was the bathroom – my Granny cracked jokes about it, to stay sane. And, I’ve listened to my mother crack jokes with the plumber when our basement flooded. Is it funny? No, of course not. But sometimes laughing is better than screaming or crying.
A few months ago, I decided after much pestering by my family, to check out my tremor. My hands and arms shake. They’ve shaken since I was an adolescent. Over the years the shaking has increased. My mother’s hands shake, my brother’s hands shake, both grandfathers’ hands shook, so I figured it was an essential tremor. None of my doctors really took it seriously. In 2002, the shaking seemed to be worse than usual. I attributed this to nerves. Over Christmas my parents noticed it and felt it was something more. My hands seemed to be shaking all the time to them, even when I wasn’t nervous, or tired, or upset. So in August, I decided to see a neurologist – for what I felt would just be a number of routine tests to determine what I already knew – “essential tremor” or “familiar tremor”, which numerous people have. But…the neurologist noticed something in the tremor that was different than most “essential tremors”, a slight variation, which is difficult to describe in words. He said it would be akin to describing the difference between two similar shades of blue…one pale, one just slighter darker in tone. When my blood copper levels came back elevated – this alerted him – that perhaps there was more going on here. On Monday I get to take another test, this one an eye test, not covered by insurance, to see if I have a rare genetic disease. I looked the disease up on the internet.
It’s called Wilson’s Disease. While it is treatable, it’s also a little frightening. If caught before the illness really sets in? It can be treated fairly easily. The illness starts when you are born. Begins to develop symptoms in adolescence and may not set in till later. Some people can go years with Wilson’s Disease and appear to be perfectly healthy, yet you’re not, it’s slowly building up toxic levels of copper in your system – which can cause liver failure or some really frightening reactions in the brain that I’d rather not think about let alone jot done here, jotting them down make them more real. One of the main symptoms of Wilson’s is a tremor. Now, I don’t know whether I have the disease or not at the moment. I have no idea. It's 50/50. What I do know is that it is a genetic disease passed by recessive genes, both parents have to be carriers – but, here’s the thing, just because they are carriers does not mean the children are – ¼ kids don’t have the disease, ¼ get the disease, ½ are carriers. Sort of like allergies to the ingredient in nutra-sweet. It’s that whole “natural selection” thing. Oh, how I hate that term. It's almost as bad as “survival of the fittest”. So my brain is tripping along tonight over these things, wondering do I have this disease? Have I exhibited symptoms of it? Does it run in my family? And if I do have it, what does it mean? And am I being a drama queen even thinking about it? The other side of my brain, meanwhile, is worrying about how long I can keep going on what I have in the bank without getting a loan or worse moving in with my parents in Hilton Head (leaving my friends and the life I've struggled to make for myself in NYC behind), if I can convince someone to hire me, can I somehow fit all the stuff I’m doing next week into my schedule without going broke, and whether Spike will get an interesting story that isn’t ridden with stupid cliché’s, showcases the awesome talent of the actor, and will give me more information on the character. (Not that he doesn't have one - I'm one of the few Spikefans who actually likes his story so far and thinks he is doing something interesting, but that's partly b/c I'm metaphor queen, am not just invested in one character - I've watched ATS since it started and have the tapes from all four seasons, can see the arc and yes, I’m slightly spoiled…so I have lots of hope…but I’m also like Miss Edith (although hopefully not becoming like Dru), I worry..)
So I find myself constantly hunting reassurance. Terrified I have this disease. That it's been slowly poisoning me without my knowledge and if I'd listened to my parents last Christmas I would have spotted it earlier and not just six months prior to the date my Cobra insurance runs out. Terrified the disease may be affecting my faculties in ways I don't even know about. Or my liver. And hoping that it will all just turn out to be a silly night-mare next week.
Today, I found a couple of really good reviews on the ATPO board regarding The Cautionary Tale of Numero Cinquo - if you are interested you can find them here:
http://www.voy.com/14567/
My favorites were by Rufus, sdeve (Helplessness, Hopelessness, Happiness thread), Ryeui, and cjl.
For the record? I really enjoyed ATS 5.6 and agree with those who state it is one of the best so far this season.But this post is already far too long, I think - so I'll put my views on ATS 5.6 in a separate post. Maybe tomorrow, once I re-watch it.
Did re-watch LMPTM and Darla tonight. Came to the conclusion my favorite characters in Whedonverse are without a doubt The Fanged Four in all their evolutions.
Currently Reading "Queen's Play" by Dorothy Dunnett
My friend, Celebalen wrote me this in an email recently, I reproduce it here because I found it oddly reassuring, which I believe may have been his intent.
Right now I feel as if writing is the one thing that I can rely on - I escape into it at times like a child might into a warm blanket - the world of words.
As a small child - I used to go to bed with a stack of books, tucked into bed with me, I would hug them like someone might hug a teddy bear, even though I could not begin to read most of them. Books to my child's mind did not reject, or harm, they merely opened up doors to new worlds and new friends whose voices echoed in one's mind. Now, I find myself retreating to the internet to hunt posts, essays, journal entries...providing the same hopes, dreams and reassurance as those books did then.
I find I need lots of reassurance this month. For you see, fear that old enemy has begun to seep more and more into my thoughts of late. And I'm not talking about the fear of getting a job or paying the rent - that's an old fear which I've actually begun to get used to. No, this is a new fear, one I'm unfamilar with and not quite sure how to handle -this new fear has me second-guessing choices, past behaviors, and my future direction. It has me wondering about things like "natural selection", "sanity", and "mortality". It also has me wondering if I'm just a drama queen worrying about things that may or may not be.
Fear
I’m not sure why I’m writing about this or even if I should post it on the internet. Or if I can even do it coherently right now. Feeling very incoherent and scattered lately, anxiety does that to me.
I can of course always delete or even privatize it. Perhaps I’m writing, because I hope that by writing about it, I can somehow push myself past the fear that’s snake like coils keep winding its way up through my body. Fear – big voice, but very tiny in reality. I usually laugh at my fears, gallows humor runs in my family. When my grandfather had lost his mind and was wandering into the extra bedroom closet to pee – he thought it was the bathroom – my Granny cracked jokes about it, to stay sane. And, I’ve listened to my mother crack jokes with the plumber when our basement flooded. Is it funny? No, of course not. But sometimes laughing is better than screaming or crying.
A few months ago, I decided after much pestering by my family, to check out my tremor. My hands and arms shake. They’ve shaken since I was an adolescent. Over the years the shaking has increased. My mother’s hands shake, my brother’s hands shake, both grandfathers’ hands shook, so I figured it was an essential tremor. None of my doctors really took it seriously. In 2002, the shaking seemed to be worse than usual. I attributed this to nerves. Over Christmas my parents noticed it and felt it was something more. My hands seemed to be shaking all the time to them, even when I wasn’t nervous, or tired, or upset. So in August, I decided to see a neurologist – for what I felt would just be a number of routine tests to determine what I already knew – “essential tremor” or “familiar tremor”, which numerous people have. But…the neurologist noticed something in the tremor that was different than most “essential tremors”, a slight variation, which is difficult to describe in words. He said it would be akin to describing the difference between two similar shades of blue…one pale, one just slighter darker in tone. When my blood copper levels came back elevated – this alerted him – that perhaps there was more going on here. On Monday I get to take another test, this one an eye test, not covered by insurance, to see if I have a rare genetic disease. I looked the disease up on the internet.
It’s called Wilson’s Disease. While it is treatable, it’s also a little frightening. If caught before the illness really sets in? It can be treated fairly easily. The illness starts when you are born. Begins to develop symptoms in adolescence and may not set in till later. Some people can go years with Wilson’s Disease and appear to be perfectly healthy, yet you’re not, it’s slowly building up toxic levels of copper in your system – which can cause liver failure or some really frightening reactions in the brain that I’d rather not think about let alone jot done here, jotting them down make them more real. One of the main symptoms of Wilson’s is a tremor. Now, I don’t know whether I have the disease or not at the moment. I have no idea. It's 50/50. What I do know is that it is a genetic disease passed by recessive genes, both parents have to be carriers – but, here’s the thing, just because they are carriers does not mean the children are – ¼ kids don’t have the disease, ¼ get the disease, ½ are carriers. Sort of like allergies to the ingredient in nutra-sweet. It’s that whole “natural selection” thing. Oh, how I hate that term. It's almost as bad as “survival of the fittest”. So my brain is tripping along tonight over these things, wondering do I have this disease? Have I exhibited symptoms of it? Does it run in my family? And if I do have it, what does it mean? And am I being a drama queen even thinking about it? The other side of my brain, meanwhile, is worrying about how long I can keep going on what I have in the bank without getting a loan or worse moving in with my parents in Hilton Head (leaving my friends and the life I've struggled to make for myself in NYC behind), if I can convince someone to hire me, can I somehow fit all the stuff I’m doing next week into my schedule without going broke, and whether Spike will get an interesting story that isn’t ridden with stupid cliché’s, showcases the awesome talent of the actor, and will give me more information on the character. (Not that he doesn't have one - I'm one of the few Spikefans who actually likes his story so far and thinks he is doing something interesting, but that's partly b/c I'm metaphor queen, am not just invested in one character - I've watched ATS since it started and have the tapes from all four seasons, can see the arc and yes, I’m slightly spoiled…so I have lots of hope…but I’m also like Miss Edith (although hopefully not becoming like Dru), I worry..)
So I find myself constantly hunting reassurance. Terrified I have this disease. That it's been slowly poisoning me without my knowledge and if I'd listened to my parents last Christmas I would have spotted it earlier and not just six months prior to the date my Cobra insurance runs out. Terrified the disease may be affecting my faculties in ways I don't even know about. Or my liver. And hoping that it will all just turn out to be a silly night-mare next week.
Today, I found a couple of really good reviews on the ATPO board regarding The Cautionary Tale of Numero Cinquo - if you are interested you can find them here:
http://www.voy.com/14567/
My favorites were by Rufus, sdeve (Helplessness, Hopelessness, Happiness thread), Ryeui, and cjl.
For the record? I really enjoyed ATS 5.6 and agree with those who state it is one of the best so far this season.But this post is already far too long, I think - so I'll put my views on ATS 5.6 in a separate post. Maybe tomorrow, once I re-watch it.
Did re-watch LMPTM and Darla tonight. Came to the conclusion my favorite characters in Whedonverse are without a doubt The Fanged Four in all their evolutions.
Currently Reading "Queen's Play" by Dorothy Dunnett
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no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 11:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-07 12:38 am (UTC)I wish I could write more but I have ten minutes to get ready to leave the house for work!
I'm keeping my fingers crossed and will write more this evening!
no subject
Date: 2003-11-07 03:37 am (UTC)The very very best wishes with this, sk. Are you set on insurance? Who are you seeing for evaluation etc? Please let me know if there's anything you need, I might be able to help with contacts either through work or the family. You have my work email still?
The Fanged Four rock
Date: 2003-11-07 09:38 am (UTC)Right now I feel as if writing is the one thing that I can rely on - I escape into it at times like a child might into a warm blanket - the world of words.
I feel this way a lot. I got to a point this year where I felt that nothing was working for me. I couldn't find a condo I could afford, I wasn't dating, I felt out to sea spiritually speaking, and I was really, really disappointed with the season finale of Angel season 4, which burnt me out on the board and my site for quite a while.
But the one thing I did have was my writing. Whether it was my novel, or my LJ, writing is the one arena I don't doubt myself in (most of the time!) and it's a comfort to sit down in my chair and put words together.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-07 10:20 am (UTC)Drama queens, writing
Date: 2003-11-07 11:16 pm (UTC)And writing about it is healthy too. It's always been one of my pet theories that thinking and writing go hand in hand. There are things we cannot figure out until we sit down to write about it. By writing we learn to think and to make ourselves understood to other people. And hey, if *your* mental faculties are slipping, I think you'll have a ways to go before anybody notices!
Sending cyber hugs. When I'm not so broke next week, I'll take you out for a milkshake and fun day, okay?
Alice
Re: Drama queens, writing
Date: 2003-11-07 11:24 pm (UTC)Don't worry about next week - got doc appts, job interview, and anom's birthday (or book club - not sure which at the moment.).