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Hunting Connection and Shipping Characters...or Favorite Characters, Favorite Ships..
I was thinking about this after reading a reply to another post, regarding character and relationship shipping.
Like most people, I suspect, I tend to love the characters that I personally can relate to the most or if I don't, fascinate or interest me. I often can't explain why I like them or why they fascinate me. Sometimes I'll write a post or meta in an attempt to figure it out. It's like writing fanfic, I guess, you play with the characters or bits that bug or intrigue or interest you? (shrugs)
There's not that many television series that I've gotten obsessive about or shipped characters on. Nor would I necessarily state that all the television series that I've been obsessive about were high quality or worth mentioning. Some are guilty pleasures, which I'm tentative about voicing aloud, for fear of being judged. (Alas, I still care far too much about what others think. I know should care less, but well...I'm not quite there yet.) All tend to be serials. I'm not a fan of non-serials, I like character stories more than plot driven ones; it's how I roll. And I have a weakness for the soap opera genre. If you hate the genre, don't tell me. It's not that I don't care, it's that I do, perhaps more than I should, and it hurts me. Feels like someone ripping apart a favorite toy. Have you ever had that happen? Had someone take a toy that you loved and rip it to pieces? Or stomp on it with their dirty boots?
I'm ashamed to say, I'm not much different. I have stomped on favorite toys with dirty boots -- in part because the toy in question irritated me or made me angry. I think it's hard sometimes to realize there's another perspective, another way of seeing it. There's this brilliant song in Sondheim's "Into the Woods", which has always haunted me -- No one is alone. One of the stanzas states that you have to remember, that while there are people on your side, there are people who are not, and there is always someone on the other person's side too, no one is alone.
Okay, tangent. But, I was thinking about this...because while there are characters I love in television shows, there are equally characters I despised. I'd go online and discover much to my considerable chagrin that are people out there who loved the characters that I despised. I'd think, what - is this bizarro land? How can you possibly like let alone love this character? And how can you hate my favorite character? Are you crazy? What universe are you residing in? I could not wrap my mind around it. How could there be people who liked Harmony? Or Robin Wood? Or that mean girl, Cordelia?? Or gasp, Warren Myers? WTF? What in the heck was so appealing about that scene stealing Andrew? Why didn't people like Connor? Why didn't they love Willow? How could they hate Buffy? Why did they hate Spike? How could they? Didn't they see how cool Darla and Drusilla were? Why did they think Buffy/Angel belonged together still? Wasn't it obvious that was a high school romance that could not work? Also, Angel was sooo much older than her? How could people ship Buffy and Giles?
But alas, they did. Not only that, they wrote lengthy posts on why and supported their rational. Still felt like bizarro world, but they had a right to their point of view, even if it skewed with my own. I found people who shared my own, of course. But often they had bizarre views as well - such as there was no way Spike would ever attack Buffy, when it was clear to me that he would. Or saw the characters very differently than I did, almost as if we were watching separate shows.
Over time, it occurred to me, of course, that people do not think the same way. We focus on different things. Different things irritate us. Or urk us. Or trigger us, in different ways. Willow's voice irritated some people. Some had issues with her redemption and the character grated on them. While Cordelia and Harmony irritated me. Heck, Cordelia's voice apparently irritated me, I realized this last night while watching Lucifer, where the actress made a brief guest-star experience. Yep, something about her voice and acting style irritated me. As did the actress playing Harmony. So it wasn't just the characters they played but the actresses themselves. I don't know why. It just is. They irritated me. But others loved them to pieces, thought they were amazing. Go figure.
By the same token, for some odd reason, the characters of Willow, Spike, Buffy, and Giles fascinated me. Giles -- mainly due to the actor who portrayed him, Anthony Stewart Head. I'd seen Head several years prior in a stage production of Chess, and fell in love with him. He was subbing for his brother Murray Head at the time. Then I followed him through various Taster's Choice commercials on to VR5 and finally Buffy. I started watching for Head, almost stopped because I was disappointed in the lack of a substantial role for the actor. I was also, fascinated by the character of Angel -- who seemed to have lots of dark secrets. Xander made me laugh for the most part, and I enjoyed the character and found him interesting up until the actor's personal demons caught up to him and he derailed taking the character along with him. (This happened sometime around S5 -S7, which is why Xander began to disappear from the story a bit. It wasn't that the writers lost interest in the character so much as the actor had serious issues and it interfered with his work. It happens.) Faith disappointed me, I wanted more and felt somehow swindled or let down by the writers. She was interesting, but fell into cliche, without ever quite rising above it. So much wasted potential there. I felt they handled Spike better -- he could have easily gone the route Faith did. But they managed to keep him more ambiguous and didn't fall as easily into cliche as they did with poor Faith. But others didn't see it that way. They saw it the exact opposite. They loved Faith and hated Spike and thought Spike was a walking cliche and that the writers ruined the character. Some thought Spike ruined the show, like Fonzie did Happy Days -- someone even wrote a lengthy post or essay on this. See, bizarro world. Up is down. Green is blue.
It's hard to ship characters or relationships with others. Oh, on shipping? I've even run into arguments regarding whether "ship" should just be used in regards to "relationship shipping" as opposed to "characters". And that it is inaccurate and wrong to use the word in regards to shipping a character, because that just isn't done. And what the hell am I doing? This is weird! So not only did people disagree on how I saw the characters, their relationships, and back stories, but also the word or semantics I used to describe how I felt about them.
The semantic's arguments drove me crazy, I'll admit. I'll try to explain why -- I think it goes back to having a speech impediment when I was in school and having people constantly make fun of me or correct my speech. They still do occasionally, because I have a sort of aphasia when it comes to uttering the correct word. Sometimes I'll say a completely different word than I thought I said. (It's a genetic quirk, my mother and brother do it too.) I'll think for example "wrote" but will say "route" sometimes will even write it. I won't know I said the other word. It's why I prefer writing -- you can go back and edit. You can't with speech. People also don't tend to be very patient, and will often be cruel about it and judgemental.
See, here is the problem with people, I think, and this goes beyond this post...people have difficulty wrapping their minds around the fact that other people don't think or see or view or taste or smell or perceive the world the same way they do. We don't. It's not possible. It's why life is so hard but also so interesting...because trying to connect, truly and authentically connect to another human soul is difficult. And can seem impossible. It rarely seems to happen. When it does -- it is magic. We gravitate to that person, who seems to "see" us. Or at least I do. Wow, I'll think, you get me! You see Spike the exact same way I did! This is so cool! Let's be buds. Of course, a little while later, you discover, okay that's the only thing we have in common, so not going to work out. But what the hey, it was fun while it lasted.
I thought this today when I read a long response to another post. While reading it in my email, since I don't have lj access at work...I thought, damn, I don't agree at all. We seem opposed. I don't like those characters. I like these characters. Did we see different shows? I was grumpy and in a foul mood already. But luckily I have no access to lj at work...so I was prevented from responding on the fly. Most posting mistakes are made on the fly. There's something to be said - for thinking it over. Although I've made colossal posting mistakes after taking a week to think it over. So there's that.
Anywho...after I read the response a second time, I realized the individual was simply being candid or authentic. They were trusting me with their views and hoping somehow for a connection. It didn't exactly come, but that's hardly their fault or mine. It just is, what it is.
I see this all the time on social media -- people hunting connection, and rarely finding it. Too often you sit there with your thumb hanging out in the wind, no takers. Crickets heard in the silence. Others, you have an insane number of responses, and yet still no connection, everyone has misunderstood your post or taken what you said out of context - reacting emotionally to a phrase here or there that triggered them. They didn't listen to what you said, they didn't hear the post. They just reacted to the portions that they felt related directly to them or affronted them. And then there are the times, in which magically, people get it. The connection happens. Somehow you connect with that guy in Sweden or in Brazil, or that gal in England or France or Canada. Half a world away. So far, in fact, it seems insane that you did connect, that they found you.
It's those rare moments that are addicting and bring me back time and again. I never know what post will bring them on. What will click. It's like sending a message out in a bottle, and suddenly having someone send one back. Except faster, oh so much faster.
To truly connect with another soul, another mind, is a wonderful feeling. But it happens so rarely in today's world. People don't take the time to listen, I think. There's too much noise, too much to do, too much to read, too much...I was wandering about in Barnes and Nobel the other day and felt overwhelmed by the sheer volume of new releases...so many, and I got depressed. Instead of excited. It depressed me and I walked out, thinking, too many books, no way to know which to read. And why am I bothering to write ...when there are so many other tales and stories out there. Who would want to listen to me? Me, a small, little voice in the wilderness? What could I possibly say that hasn't already been said? What story could I tell? Even now, I wonder that...amidst a thousand, more than a thousand posts...why would someone read this one? It's long. It's rambling. And it goes off on tangents.
And yet, I continue to write and continue to post. Am doing so now, even though I should be in bed listening to the rain fall outside my windows. I try to connect to you through characters in a long ago canceled television show entitled Buffy the Vampire Slayer, even though, to be honest, I've long since given up shipping or caring about them. Having moved on in the interim. But old habits, die hard. And this topic seems easier than most somehow...yet, false too. So..the loneliness seeps in, not from being alone, but from the sense that I can't quite connect. Can't quite be me. Candid. Authentic. Without somehow cutting off bits and pieces of myself. And wondering, if anyone out there perhaps..feels the same.
Like most people, I suspect, I tend to love the characters that I personally can relate to the most or if I don't, fascinate or interest me. I often can't explain why I like them or why they fascinate me. Sometimes I'll write a post or meta in an attempt to figure it out. It's like writing fanfic, I guess, you play with the characters or bits that bug or intrigue or interest you? (shrugs)
There's not that many television series that I've gotten obsessive about or shipped characters on. Nor would I necessarily state that all the television series that I've been obsessive about were high quality or worth mentioning. Some are guilty pleasures, which I'm tentative about voicing aloud, for fear of being judged. (Alas, I still care far too much about what others think. I know should care less, but well...I'm not quite there yet.) All tend to be serials. I'm not a fan of non-serials, I like character stories more than plot driven ones; it's how I roll. And I have a weakness for the soap opera genre. If you hate the genre, don't tell me. It's not that I don't care, it's that I do, perhaps more than I should, and it hurts me. Feels like someone ripping apart a favorite toy. Have you ever had that happen? Had someone take a toy that you loved and rip it to pieces? Or stomp on it with their dirty boots?
I'm ashamed to say, I'm not much different. I have stomped on favorite toys with dirty boots -- in part because the toy in question irritated me or made me angry. I think it's hard sometimes to realize there's another perspective, another way of seeing it. There's this brilliant song in Sondheim's "Into the Woods", which has always haunted me -- No one is alone. One of the stanzas states that you have to remember, that while there are people on your side, there are people who are not, and there is always someone on the other person's side too, no one is alone.
Okay, tangent. But, I was thinking about this...because while there are characters I love in television shows, there are equally characters I despised. I'd go online and discover much to my considerable chagrin that are people out there who loved the characters that I despised. I'd think, what - is this bizarro land? How can you possibly like let alone love this character? And how can you hate my favorite character? Are you crazy? What universe are you residing in? I could not wrap my mind around it. How could there be people who liked Harmony? Or Robin Wood? Or that mean girl, Cordelia?? Or gasp, Warren Myers? WTF? What in the heck was so appealing about that scene stealing Andrew? Why didn't people like Connor? Why didn't they love Willow? How could they hate Buffy? Why did they hate Spike? How could they? Didn't they see how cool Darla and Drusilla were? Why did they think Buffy/Angel belonged together still? Wasn't it obvious that was a high school romance that could not work? Also, Angel was sooo much older than her? How could people ship Buffy and Giles?
But alas, they did. Not only that, they wrote lengthy posts on why and supported their rational. Still felt like bizarro world, but they had a right to their point of view, even if it skewed with my own. I found people who shared my own, of course. But often they had bizarre views as well - such as there was no way Spike would ever attack Buffy, when it was clear to me that he would. Or saw the characters very differently than I did, almost as if we were watching separate shows.
Over time, it occurred to me, of course, that people do not think the same way. We focus on different things. Different things irritate us. Or urk us. Or trigger us, in different ways. Willow's voice irritated some people. Some had issues with her redemption and the character grated on them. While Cordelia and Harmony irritated me. Heck, Cordelia's voice apparently irritated me, I realized this last night while watching Lucifer, where the actress made a brief guest-star experience. Yep, something about her voice and acting style irritated me. As did the actress playing Harmony. So it wasn't just the characters they played but the actresses themselves. I don't know why. It just is. They irritated me. But others loved them to pieces, thought they were amazing. Go figure.
By the same token, for some odd reason, the characters of Willow, Spike, Buffy, and Giles fascinated me. Giles -- mainly due to the actor who portrayed him, Anthony Stewart Head. I'd seen Head several years prior in a stage production of Chess, and fell in love with him. He was subbing for his brother Murray Head at the time. Then I followed him through various Taster's Choice commercials on to VR5 and finally Buffy. I started watching for Head, almost stopped because I was disappointed in the lack of a substantial role for the actor. I was also, fascinated by the character of Angel -- who seemed to have lots of dark secrets. Xander made me laugh for the most part, and I enjoyed the character and found him interesting up until the actor's personal demons caught up to him and he derailed taking the character along with him. (This happened sometime around S5 -S7, which is why Xander began to disappear from the story a bit. It wasn't that the writers lost interest in the character so much as the actor had serious issues and it interfered with his work. It happens.) Faith disappointed me, I wanted more and felt somehow swindled or let down by the writers. She was interesting, but fell into cliche, without ever quite rising above it. So much wasted potential there. I felt they handled Spike better -- he could have easily gone the route Faith did. But they managed to keep him more ambiguous and didn't fall as easily into cliche as they did with poor Faith. But others didn't see it that way. They saw it the exact opposite. They loved Faith and hated Spike and thought Spike was a walking cliche and that the writers ruined the character. Some thought Spike ruined the show, like Fonzie did Happy Days -- someone even wrote a lengthy post or essay on this. See, bizarro world. Up is down. Green is blue.
It's hard to ship characters or relationships with others. Oh, on shipping? I've even run into arguments regarding whether "ship" should just be used in regards to "relationship shipping" as opposed to "characters". And that it is inaccurate and wrong to use the word in regards to shipping a character, because that just isn't done. And what the hell am I doing? This is weird! So not only did people disagree on how I saw the characters, their relationships, and back stories, but also the word or semantics I used to describe how I felt about them.
The semantic's arguments drove me crazy, I'll admit. I'll try to explain why -- I think it goes back to having a speech impediment when I was in school and having people constantly make fun of me or correct my speech. They still do occasionally, because I have a sort of aphasia when it comes to uttering the correct word. Sometimes I'll say a completely different word than I thought I said. (It's a genetic quirk, my mother and brother do it too.) I'll think for example "wrote" but will say "route" sometimes will even write it. I won't know I said the other word. It's why I prefer writing -- you can go back and edit. You can't with speech. People also don't tend to be very patient, and will often be cruel about it and judgemental.
See, here is the problem with people, I think, and this goes beyond this post...people have difficulty wrapping their minds around the fact that other people don't think or see or view or taste or smell or perceive the world the same way they do. We don't. It's not possible. It's why life is so hard but also so interesting...because trying to connect, truly and authentically connect to another human soul is difficult. And can seem impossible. It rarely seems to happen. When it does -- it is magic. We gravitate to that person, who seems to "see" us. Or at least I do. Wow, I'll think, you get me! You see Spike the exact same way I did! This is so cool! Let's be buds. Of course, a little while later, you discover, okay that's the only thing we have in common, so not going to work out. But what the hey, it was fun while it lasted.
I thought this today when I read a long response to another post. While reading it in my email, since I don't have lj access at work...I thought, damn, I don't agree at all. We seem opposed. I don't like those characters. I like these characters. Did we see different shows? I was grumpy and in a foul mood already. But luckily I have no access to lj at work...so I was prevented from responding on the fly. Most posting mistakes are made on the fly. There's something to be said - for thinking it over. Although I've made colossal posting mistakes after taking a week to think it over. So there's that.
Anywho...after I read the response a second time, I realized the individual was simply being candid or authentic. They were trusting me with their views and hoping somehow for a connection. It didn't exactly come, but that's hardly their fault or mine. It just is, what it is.
I see this all the time on social media -- people hunting connection, and rarely finding it. Too often you sit there with your thumb hanging out in the wind, no takers. Crickets heard in the silence. Others, you have an insane number of responses, and yet still no connection, everyone has misunderstood your post or taken what you said out of context - reacting emotionally to a phrase here or there that triggered them. They didn't listen to what you said, they didn't hear the post. They just reacted to the portions that they felt related directly to them or affronted them. And then there are the times, in which magically, people get it. The connection happens. Somehow you connect with that guy in Sweden or in Brazil, or that gal in England or France or Canada. Half a world away. So far, in fact, it seems insane that you did connect, that they found you.
It's those rare moments that are addicting and bring me back time and again. I never know what post will bring them on. What will click. It's like sending a message out in a bottle, and suddenly having someone send one back. Except faster, oh so much faster.
To truly connect with another soul, another mind, is a wonderful feeling. But it happens so rarely in today's world. People don't take the time to listen, I think. There's too much noise, too much to do, too much to read, too much...I was wandering about in Barnes and Nobel the other day and felt overwhelmed by the sheer volume of new releases...so many, and I got depressed. Instead of excited. It depressed me and I walked out, thinking, too many books, no way to know which to read. And why am I bothering to write ...when there are so many other tales and stories out there. Who would want to listen to me? Me, a small, little voice in the wilderness? What could I possibly say that hasn't already been said? What story could I tell? Even now, I wonder that...amidst a thousand, more than a thousand posts...why would someone read this one? It's long. It's rambling. And it goes off on tangents.
And yet, I continue to write and continue to post. Am doing so now, even though I should be in bed listening to the rain fall outside my windows. I try to connect to you through characters in a long ago canceled television show entitled Buffy the Vampire Slayer, even though, to be honest, I've long since given up shipping or caring about them. Having moved on in the interim. But old habits, die hard. And this topic seems easier than most somehow...yet, false too. So..the loneliness seeps in, not from being alone, but from the sense that I can't quite connect. Can't quite be me. Candid. Authentic. Without somehow cutting off bits and pieces of myself. And wondering, if anyone out there perhaps..feels the same.
no subject
I think the thing that I find hardest about opinions which diverge with mine isn't that other people are "wrong" or even have different opinions than mine...but that I struggle with the confidence to believe that I'm still "right," not even in a universal sense, but for me. That if someone believes Character X is the ideal representation of everything wrong with the world (where X is a variable, and not standing in for Xander, though actually...), that this doesn't reflect badly on me for thinking otherwise. And there's the expression about never walking into the same stream twice. I don't know for sure that my reactions are authentic -- and if someone else seems so much surer of their take than I am of mine, does that mean that my views (which are based on values, emotional connections, etc.) are illegitimate, or fake, or inauthentic? Am I deluded, or am I genuinely so different from others that I might as well be a pariah, even if the difference is on some point which most of the world would consider trivial?
I *think* I'm getting better at this type of thing. But it's a bit of a struggle. And it's hard to connect to others at times, when there's always a nagging sense that I'm not so sure of what I'm saying, and I am trying to be honest but also trying not to spend every few sentences loudly proclaiming that I'm not so sure of what I'm saying. And to try not to get into arguments with people who disagree with me because what I really want is to convince myself. Discussions are fine, of course.
no subject
To use an example outside BtVS -- I got into an argument of sorts with a friend of mine over Jaime and Cersei Lannister in Game of Thrones. It's not that I'm that passionate a fan of those characters, because while I find them interesting I'm not. (I am caught up on the books which have been released -- but am a season behind in the show, just so it's clear.) And my friend started saying, after the scene where Jaime tells Brienne in the bath about the circumstances under which he had killed the Mad King, and how he could not bring himself to tell Ned Stark what had happened when he saw his judgment, how he has marginally more interest in the character now, and it's one of the only times he has seen any good in him, but he still doesn't get why he didn't just tell Ned what happened. I started piping up and trying to explain that I felt like being hated by someone else makes it very difficult to communicate something to them -- particularly difficult concepts, particularly in a manifestly unfair world. He went on to describe why he didn't like Jaime including his affair with his sister, which was partly bad because he was betraying his king, Robert. This all struck me as absurd on some level, not because Jaime wasn't a pretty bad dude -- I emphasized that, OF COURSE, this is a guy who pushes a child out of a window in his first appearance, that I'm not defending his morality exactly -- but that one has to consider the circumstances of Cersei being basically sold off into marriage to an older man, obviously disinterested in her consent. And that I thought Jaime/Cersei is *unhealthy*, but it's a different kind of moral lapse than something like hurting other people rather than hurting themselves. Cersei became pretty awful as a person, and probably was for a lot of reasons early on, but I thought that my friend was also neglecting to recognize how much she would feel trapped in that mostly-forced marriage with Robert, and what it is that people do when they feel utterly trapped. And I didn't say it, but Ned Stark is a good man in most respects, but his absolute loyalty to Robert, who is not actually a very good man or a very good king, and his hatred of Jaime for killing an insane despot, show that he has his own blinders, and that his judgmental nature is not really deployed fairly.
Anyway, I got suddenly very emotional, and had to leave, and I realized afterward that I knew what the problem was. Basically, this friend of mine identified a lot with Ned Stark, and I identified in that moment with Jaime, in the specific moment of his rueful regrets and his inability to tell Ned what had happened -- because he and I have had some conflicts before where my friend obviously viewed himself as morally superior and above the fray, and I...didn't, and I was both resentful that I felt judged even though it was unfair, and also felt that the judgment probably *was* fair under it all. I am judgmental in my own ways. At the time of this argument I might have pretended otherwise, and I still might be tempted to. But I think the problem was that I was still trapped (and to some extent still am, with this friend) in a mode where I feel like he is judging me for every small deviation I make from his rigid, unbending, and often frankly unfair code. I don't particularly identify with Jaime in most circumstances, but in the sense of feeling like my legitimate reasons for my actions will not be understood and so I should not try to justify them I really did. There was a lot of baggage between us that suddenly got exposed in that conversation.
I think for him, the issue is that people are too permissive of outright horrible actions, whether against him or in the world generally. I think my defenses would very quickly seem to be irrational and incomprehensible, because they probably were. And I don't think he really was anticipating a sudden deluge of emotion from me for what to him was a reasonable statement about a character in a tv show.
This is maybe an irrelevant story. Having finished writing it, I'm not entirely sure if it's on point with what you were saying. However, I have finished writing it, so I guess I will post.
no subject
In 2008-2009, I increasingly had these types of conversations with an extremely close friend, until finally, it went too far, and our friendship broke apart. For a lot of reasons, not just those conversations, but looking back...these types of conversations showed the cracks in our friendship. Another friend wonder why we, that close friend of 25 yrs and I were even friends, we appeared to not share the same interests. We did and we didn't, but at the end of the day, we broke apart, because she could just not be there for me, where and when it counted. It broke my heart. I miss her still. But I don't regret ending the friendship. And that started with those types of conversations.
I feel the same way you do about Jamie Lannister, Ned Stark and Robert Barrathon on GoT. I started reading the books because people convinced me that Jamie's arc was as interesting as Spike's. (Yes, and No on that point.) And I ...had problems relating to Ned Stark's sanctimonious and somewhat holier than thou point of view in both the books and the series. Scean Bean saved the character a bit in the series. (BTW - the last season of the series veers greatly from the books in various respects.) Jamie, I related to, in much the same way that I related to Spike --- the idea of being unfairly judged.
I think you put it well, here:
I identified in that moment with Jaime, in the specific moment of his rueful regrets and his inability to tell Ned what had happened -- because he and I have had some conflicts before where my friend obviously viewed himself as morally superior and above the fray, and I...didn't, and I was both resentful that I felt judged even though it was unfair, and also felt that the judgment probably *was* fair under it all. I am judgmental in my own ways. At the time of this argument I might have pretended otherwise, and I still might be tempted to. But I think the problem was that I was still trapped (and to some extent still am, with this friend) in a mode where I feel like he is judging me for every small deviation I make from his rigid, unbending, and often frankly unfair code. I don't particularly identify with Jaime in most circumstances, but in the sense of feeling like my legitimate reasons for my actions will not be understood and so I should not try to justify them I really did.
Me too. The scene with him and Brienne in the tub, where he explains why he killed the King and his frustration with Ned, moved me for the same reasons it did you. I'm far too self-critical for my own good, and I care far too much about what others think. I always have. I worry. Meditation is helping a bit, as is yoga, and therapy --- I've gone off the beaten track in that respect, but it is helping. I think sensitive souls struggle more with this. I don't know.
I have a friend who is really critical that I like a lot. But I walk on eggshells with. Every time I turn around, I feel her judging me. She finally gave me a bit of a brush off. And after being hurt, I decided it was okay, because that friction was a problem. I also began to see a pattern both online and off -- that somehow without really meaning to, I was attracting critical and judgmental people -- and the relationships weren't working long term. They kept falling apart.
Because after a bit, I would get tired of feeling bruised and battered and let them drift away or I'd drift away.
I've noticed since then, how critical people are of each other and the world. How their egos seem to drive all that they do and say. Even our election seems to be ego driven. And I've been studying Buddhism and Hindu and Yoga views on how to release that..ego, to let it go, and just be. It helps a bit. But not completely.
no subject
It's a little hard to explain fandom to people outside it. And how the weird sectarian nature of fandom can cause connection or division.
Nods. I attempted to do the same thing with various people and got nowhere. Actually, they usually look at me as if I've sprouted two heads. One person told me that I was using the fan boards as a sort of group therapy, and we were all crazy together. She didn't get it. If you've never been in a fandom, you won't understand it. And...I've discovered that people are very judgemental about it. To such an extent, that I tend to avoid telling people I was in a fandom or am in one.
I think the thing that I find hardest about opinions which diverge with mine isn't that other people are "wrong" or even have different opinions than mine...but that I struggle with the confidence to believe that I'm still "right," not even in a universal sense, but for me.
Yes, nods. I was once accused of being wishy-washy, mainly because I question my own opinion. I see the validity in their argument, and often will question my own, and change sides. I have the ability to see both sides of the argument, and often both seem relevant to me and valid. So I question myself.
Also, I admittedly hate conflict. So there's that.
I don't know for sure that my reactions are authentic -- and if someone else seems so much surer of their take than I am of mine, does that mean that my views (which are based on values, emotional connections, etc.) are illegitimate, or fake, or inauthentic? Am I deluded, or am I genuinely so different from others that I might as well be a pariah, even if the difference is on some point which most of the world would consider trivial?
Yes, me too.
I wonder if my reactions are authentic...perhaps they are in the moment? I've changed my mind so many times in regards to how I feel about the ending of Chosen, for example, that I no longer know what I feel about it. If anything.
While, I will state that my views in regards to the death penalty and abortion are fairly unchangeable. I'm certain on these. Just as I know without a shadow of a doubt that voting for Donald Trump is morally abhorrent and wrong.
Perhaps, it matters what the issues are?
And I can't help but wonder if this true for most of us? If it's not all that important, perhaps our reactions and views are less written in stone?
Then again, today, I questioned my political stance on various issues...because I could see the other side, and got a bit confused.
I think for me at least the difficulty is that I can see and more importantly feel both sides of any issue. I can hear the other person in my head. I often know what they will say before they say it. And I can't always say from their perspective that they are wrong. I can see their perspective clearly, often as clearly as I see my own. And I find it confusing -- because both seem right. This happened to me a lot on the Buffy boards -- I often found myself jumping back and forth in the argument.
And it's hard to connect to others at times, when there's always a nagging sense that I'm not so sure of what I'm saying, and I am trying to be honest but also trying not to spend every few sentences loudly proclaiming that I'm not so sure of what I'm saying. And to try not to get into arguments with people who disagree with me because what I really want is to convince myself. Discussions are fine, of course.
I've had this feeling a lot. I prefer sometimes to just write -- because I'm less aware of their emotional stance or view and feel, I can say what I need to say. I've gotten better at not using disclaimers and my boss has weeded me off of "believe" -- I say, think, instead. I also try to avoid getting into arguments...they are just painful, my blood pressure goes up , and I feel sick. Also in most cases -- it's just an argument with myself.