Spontaneous Musings

So, the side-effect of listening to Landau's podcasts, and seeing her independent film is...I've developed a major gurl-crush on Juliette Landau. I tend to develop crushes on cult television/movie and theater character actors who aren't in that much? Not enough of one to pay for her podcast, I'm willing to do it for free though. She's adorable - she loves theater, is detailed on theater, film, music, and the craft. And an excellent interviewer - she's better than the guy who did Inside the Actor's Studio.

(Previous gurl-crushes include Claudia Black, Carrie Fisher, Angela Basset, Katee Sackoff...)

Oh well it's fitting, she's the other side of Spike/James Marsters - which is my other Buffy actor crush. Along with Anthony Stewart Head. I do wish I'd get crushes on people with lots of content available - and good content available. I've watched a lot of bad television and films because of actor crushes. Note to self - do not follow actors, follow directors and writers (although they aren't that reliable either, sorry to say - so just whatever looks appealing and has been rec'd by folks I trust?)

***

AHM told me to try "Telecharge" Lottery - to get discounted Broadway Theater tickets. Kyoto is on it. Just in Time isn't - so that's kind of out. Any of the Big Ticket Tourist Shows are out. Which is a shame - I really want to see Chess - I didn't know the score was ABBA and Tim Rice. (I'm a shameless ABBA fan - I had their music on 8 track in the 1970s and 80s). But alas, Big Ticket Tourist item - with rates between $440-$1K. Way outside my price range.

***

After I took my fifteen to twenty minute walk down the pier and around the tiny historic housing district, I went to Insomina Cookies to snag my Gluten-Free Chocolate Chip cookies - freshly baked, warm, with melt in your mouth chocolate. I've going there almost every weekday for a while now - the counter folks are getting to know me - in part, because I'm the only one getting gluten free cookies.

Counter guy: So, I only charged you for one cookie and gave you three.
ME: Huh? But I only ordered two -
( Read more... )

Mother wants me to visit St. Patrick's Cathedral to see the new murals that the Cardinal commissioned and have been put up. I don't know. I'm more curious about the Cathedral of St. John the Divine - I've never been to it.

****

Buffy Rewatch - S4 Buffy - Beer Bad is better than I remembered. It's hilarious in places. Also, it has the added bonus of watching Kal Penn (who was later on the West Wing, and for a while interned in Obama's White House) and is a comedic actor - turn into a caveman after drinking too much beer.

Xander: How much beer does someone have to drink before they start questing for fire?
Pub owner: Oh, don't worry - it'll wear off in a day or two.
Xander: I served that beer to them - to Buffy - someone could get seriously hurt in a day or two. You are a bad bad man.

Xander is hilarious in S4. I actually like all the characters in this season, which is a first for the series. In S1-3, Xander got on my ever living nerve. Willow kind of did too, along with Cordelia at various points.

I'm liking Buffy S4 more than Angel S1, which isn't as entertaining and a bit too much like a dozen other similar series I've seen. In listening to the Landau podcasts - I learned a lot of recent Buffy fans, had watched Angel first - and then watched Buffy, they were David B fans first. But, ironically their favorite Buffy episodes are Hush and OMWF, not Angel centric episodes.

**

Regarding Buffy S1? I learned from Juliet Landau's podcasts and interviews that Mark Metcalf's makeup for the Master took six hours to put on, and he didn't take it off the whole time he played the role. Those who acted with him, never saw him without it. Julie Benze who portrayed Darla - said he was disgusting with it on, and it was hard for her to look at him. But he was easy to work with. Benze was able to create her own character - and made various suggestions, most of which the writers took. (Except for one - she wasn't going to be a Greek Fury, she wasn't that old.)

1. Ali Hazelwood Dislikes Peeta and that was problem for some folks

Peeta for the uninformed was Katniss's love interest in The Hunger Games or rather one of two love interests. The other was Gale, I think. I stayed out of the Hunger Games fandom for various reasons.

Apparently what happened is Ali Hazelwood, an author of various books, made the mistake on a book panel at a fan convention of stating that she didn't like Peeta. People got upset - and fanatically attacked her on her Instagram account. To the point, in which she ended up cancelling the entire account (she couldn't figure out how to turn off the comments - Instagram is impossible to use - and makes me crazy - I just post pictures on it and like others posts), and she was apparently popular and highly active.

Excerpt from the post, which I thought worthy of sharing:
( Read more... )

Nothing new, but a worthy reminder that before you post a comment in response to something you've read online, especially in fandom, ask yourself these questions:

* Is it kind?

* Is it necessary?

* Does it help?

And are you posting out of anger or rage? Or trying to prove someone else wrong, so you can be right? What is gained by embarrassing or humiliating anyone? [Note - this is reminder for myself as much as anyone. Trying to do better.]

2. Bruce Springsteen Bio-Pic Trailer

Well, everyone else got one - I guess it's his turn? Although I admittedly like his music and Jeremy Allen.

Raises fist impotently at universe and nameless faceless things I can't do anything about.

Me: My father's voice is in my head - "Don't let the turkey's get you down."
Chidi (who is kind of metaphor blind looks at me quizzically).
Me: Turkeys are people annoying you or hurting you.
Chidi: Oh.
Me: I think its time to declare open season on the Turkeys.
Chidi laughs.

***

Me: I don't know why I've been so angry lately...
Mother: That's also part of grief.
Me: Yeah, my beautiful, kind, loving father went through the hell of Alztheimers, and there are all these nasty people who hurt me and others who are perfectly fine. It's not fair.

Alzheimers makes me angry, impotently so.

**
Speaking of nasty people..

Me vs. the idiotic OTW support at Ao3

[By the way, a huge thank you to whomever is sending hostile emails to these folks and making them miserable. They keep complaining about it on Ao3 - on the front page.]

See last post on the nasty email they sent me out of the blue.
What do I think prompted it? I posted two reviews of Twilight movies.
Although weirdly they didn't list either as the problem, but a bunch of movie reviews. Four in fact - Last Chance Harvey, Miss Potter, The Help,
and Bridesmaids.

This is their FAQ's :
( AO3's incomprehensible FAQs or rules, apparently whomever is writing this has English as a second or third language or they are a lawyer. )

( my response, rather lengthy and across five -six emails, because I kept coming up with new things after posting the last reply and they told me to reply to their email if I disagree or wanted to contest the complaint, so I took them at their word and hammered them with replies )
**
I did delete three of the five innocuous movie reviews they cited, along with a few other items (15 People you meet on the internet and in fandom, sociological analysis of television shows, an episode review of an Once episode, and a few movie reviews of two of the Twilight films (which probably resulted in the complaint)... Then gave up. (I'm not sure what they'll make of what I did - except that I got pissed off, tried to comply, gave up, and left them in the lurch. I really don't care as much about my content as they appear to.) I spent too much time uploading them, I've neither the time nor the patience to pull them. They can either let it go. Or they can be assholes and delete and permanently suspend my account.

It's ironic in a way - since non-fiction fanworks are protected by copyright law and aren't considered an infringement, fictional fanworks are not protected under copyright law and in certain areas considered infringement. They'd be better off archiving the non-fictional works.

I feel idiotic for being furious. But I am. Impotently so. Yet another group of nameless faceless people I can't do anything about.

Morale: Do not archive your written works of any kind on sites owned and run by nameless and faceless people with a bunch of hard to understand and vague FAQs. And don't do it while grieving a loved one.

And a site run by volunteers isn't necessarily a nice one.

Plus? I can't help but think it was the Universe's way of getting me to stop obsessively posting reviews, episode reviews, and episode meta to Ao3.
When I should be doing other things. Better things with my time.

Universe: Stop. Work on your book.
Me: In a minute.
Universe: Take a walk.
Me: In a minute, posting this first to Ao3
Universe: Fine, be that way.
Ao3: Take down 90% of your work and stop posting reviews.
Me:You Bleeding Fockers. Curse you! Raises fist at universe.
Universe: ...hee hee?

***

Work.

Ugh.

TGIF

Oh well, my non-management co-workers/colleagues make it worth while. Now if only we can get rid of management.

We kind of help each other. AM actually came up with a way to save us all time on the dreaded excel charts. Turns out I was right - the course she took and her presentation was on a new IT methodology. Brought back memories of when I created a royalty database in Access with IT and Accounting back in the late 1990s, early 00s.

Management tends to ignore anything that isn't on the dreaded charts. It's crazy - because that stuff ends up falling through the cracks and is important.

***

I wanted to smack the conductors on the trains this morning. ( Read more... )

***

Oh well, it wasn't that bad outside at least. And now that the storm clouds passed without doing anything - I'm not edgy, was very edgy all day today and yesterday - which only served to fuel the anger.

Now that the heavy air mass has passed, I no longer feel edgy. Either that or the beta blocker worked, or the cry with mother over the phone...was more cathartic then expected.

Have a hair cut planned on Sunday at 3pm, new stylist, new salon, about a fifteen minute walk from my house. As opposed to a subway. We'll see how it goes. If it goes poorly, in two months, I'll get it fixed.

Mainly because I'm bored of writing about myself, COVID, Current Events, family and work. ( COVID because it's not really the Corona Virus Diaries without it )

I'm inundated by spam mail.

***

1. Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power trailer actually looks good. I liked the first trilogy of films by Jackson, I did not like the second or the Hobbit films. But I do agree that Tolkien's world building is amazingly detailed and ripe with possibilities, also he wrote a lot of short stories and novellas that take place in the world prior to the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings.


2. Be wary of what you worship. Lila Shapiro's article/profile on Whedon takes a sharp and not necessarily kind look at the fandom that built up around him. I was in that fandom, albeit not necessarily to that degree. I've never met the man. I've never interacted with him. I never wanted or bought an autograph. I just read all his interviews (mainly to understand the process and how he came up with the world and his intent behind the stories he told), watched what he did and analyzed it for free on the internet. And I was often very critical of it.
( fandom and the television show-runner )

[As I was writing this, mother called and felt the need to tell me that my brother read the article -
( family interlude )

Anyhow, Shapiro points out how being fannish about a writer or celebrity can make it difficult to accept their failings. And based on the interaction I just wrote about above, she may well have a point. After all my brother was able to hand wave Whedon's failings as if they were nothing, while they bother me.
( fandom and Joss Whedon continued )

Oh and As a Former ‘Buffy’ Obsessive, Watching Joss Whedon’s Downfall Feels Crushing — and Inevitable (Column)

( excerpt )

( family interlude )

I need to get ready for bed, and clear my head. Early wake up call for tomorrow. It occurs to me that Shapiro's article triggered my own PTSD on multiple levels, and that may well be the reason I wish to discuss it?

My writer's block right now - in regards to story-telling or writing my novels is due to a fear of having absolutely no one willing to beta them. I told this to mother who told me that she had a choir director who was eager to read my next book. And loved my writing.

Although I did get everything I needed to get done today, done. So there's that at least. Food order finally came and got unpacked, and they gave me carrots for some reason. (I'm not found of carrots. Although I suppose I could put them in a soup at some point.) Every time I get the food order - they put stuff in that I didn't order - it's very odd. I like Foodkick slightly better, they don't do that. But, they are also much more expensive.

Weather is kind of cold and dreary, with another storm on the way. I've been trying to ignore the Impeachment Hearings, but I keep checking twitter - which is talking about it as it happens, and of course I discussed it briefly with mother. Mother tells me things that piss me off - such as : "If people want to or choose to believe the Republican's spin on this and decide to ignore the rest, they kind of can."

Me: We can choose what to believe in this world. True. But our choices speak to our central character and who we are. If we choose to believe someone like Trump or his lawyers, all evidence to the contrary, and after what they've done. Than that speaks to our central character.

[My difficulty is I know she's right - people will believe whatever suits them. Not often what is true, but what suits their world-view or agenda.]

My mother is liberal. But she lives in South Carolina, and it's not.

Meanwhile I'm kind of lurking on twitter - regarding the whole "Whedon" melt down. It's kind of like watching a boulder roll down hill and pick up stuff as it goes. Let's see how many folks jump on board. To date - half the Buffy cast and now three of the writers (Mere Smith - Angel, Marti Noxon - Buffy, and Jose Molina - Firefly).

Marsters recently posted his support, only to have three annoying fans bring up the song he wrote back in 2003 about Trachenberg. ( rant - it was just a frigging song get over your self-righteous ass-hole selves )

I'm trying to be kind, but people keep pissing me off. I restrained myself from responding to these idiots - he doesn't need me to defend him, he can defend himself, and just liked the person who defended him - post instead.
Twitter is kind of social media on speed. Moves fast and people pile on.

Nick Brendan hasn't posted anything - because his partner has taken over his account after he fell on some ice and seriously injured his back. He can't sit up.

Marti Noxon just tweeted her support of the women who spoke up.

NOX NOX WHO’S WEARING A MASK? -martinoxon
I would like to validate what the women of Buffy are saying
and support them in telling their story. They deserve to be heard.

I understand where allcharisma
, Amber, Michelle and all
the women who have spoken out are coming from.

Kater Gordon and I 1/2

And... How the The TV Industry Can Better Protect Writers From the Next Toxic Showrunner

Oh and...we now have Firefly...

Jose Molina -josemolinatv
"Casually cruel" is a perfect way of describing Joss. He thought being mean was funny. Making female writers cry during a notes session was especially hysterical. He actually liked to boast about the time he made one writer cry twice in one meeting.

The Whedon Studies Association is struggling to rebrand itself. And the Whedonverse has now become the Buffyverse and Beyond.

I was talking to mother today about this, and why it was distracting me so much. ( Read more... )

What also hits me today - is I am oddly glad that my friend embers_log is no longer alive to see this. She loved Joss Whedon. She met him in person and had a photo taken with him. She was a fan. This would have broken her heart. She died in 2010 or thereabouts...of colitis. She was about 62. We'd parted ways - over a fannish disagreement. I was being a tad too critical of Whedon at the time, and she got annoyed with me.

Behind all of this, is ...Free Britney Spears
( the documentary about the singer who has been a victim of a toxic male culture of misogyny and abuse for years )

We seem to have misogyny and racism converging with Fisher, Spears, and others. What's interesting though is Fisher is getting buried beneath the white women voices supporting his.

And behind all of that, the impeachment trial of Donald J. Trump lurking insidiously in the background. We all know the Republicans will do the wrong thing. It's become predictable now. Trump is the epitome of misogyny and racism and casual cruelty. The King of the Insult, the King of the Mean. The child of internet cruelty and negative marketing pizazz. He's the worst impulses of everyone wrapped inside one neat little package. A bloated white man, old, and nasty. Spewing hate and vitriol wherever he goes.

In Promised Land, Chapter 25, I think, Barack Obama talks about preparations the US is making in the event one of our allies is overtaken by a populist movement and their government is overthrown - much like the Arab Spring. "It's unlikely to happen," he opines. "But just in case - we've put emergency procedures in place." I can't help but wonder if while reading this aloud as an audio book - he picked up on the irony of those words? It wasn't our allies who were vulnerable but ourselves.

They can't quite convict Trump, because to do so - they convict themselves. And there's the heart of it...I think. To what degree are we to be held accountable for laughing at a madman?

And once again, I find myself assessing my own dry wit and biting sense of humor. But all humor is cruel - even it only directed at oneself. I try to apply it to situations and myself, and not to others. It's easy to forget, I think. But, then again laughing in pain, works as a great anesthetic.

***



It's a wintry day, and I miss my graveyard. The calm I feel walking through it. So quiet with just the birds tweeting and the breeze. The cars are almost too far away to hear clearly. Occasional ambient conversation - equally blurred by distance. The graveyard gives me peace. It shows me how temporary this all is. That humans are...well temporary things. Here and then gone. With plaques in the ground to commemorate their passing. And for reasons, I cannot quite explain - I find that somehow comforting? All this will end soon enough.

Relationships are temporary too - and constantly changing. Work. Life. Friendship. Family. It is never constant.

I'm told character doesn't change but personalities do. That's true enough - I've seen that with my Dad who has dementia. Or myself. Or mother. Or my brother who mellows with time.

COVID seems to be on the decline, more and more people on my FB page are posting that they got the vaccine. I still am waiting to get mine. I'm thinking March or April? I may try to get an appointment through the State's site next week or the week thereafter. I'd like to get it before I have to do a site tour of substations.

I think I've rambled enough tonight. Thank you for reading, if you've made it this far or even if you haven't.

I watched Zoey's Playlist - which is sweet and message oriented, with nice songs. Floating in one ear and out the other. And I ate one too many cupcakes at lunch - two again. But two...was more than I should.

1. Sigh, the upstairs tenants have gotten bored and decided to move furniture and go on a cleaning frenzy. I can hear them pounding about upstairs and vacuuming. Reminds me that I need to send the robot vacuum around the apartment again. I'm extremely quiet tenant - because I don't wear shoes, etc. They aren't bad, for the most part they've been relatively quiet - the tenants before them were far worse.

I'm debating what to do with my day off from work. I have a three-day weekend. Considering taking a walk, it's cloudy and cool - maybe there won't be many people outside? Also, considering going on a supply run - but not sure I want to brave the grocery store quite yet. My mother keeps telling me not to whenever I discuss it with her - mainly because my last tale of braving the grocery store was not well, pleasant.

Also debating laundry - it's been three weeks. But it's just me and I'm not that dirty. The towels seem fine. And I have extra towels and sheets, so really not an issue. Plus I'm a New Yorker - I have enough underwear to last a month or two.
Not to mention clothes. Not wearing socks at the moment.

Maybe I should go on a cleaning spree?

2. Eh, scary charts...
( Read more... )

3. Why I write meta and making sense of the non-sensical.

I've been playing about on a GH fanboard. We've had two lengthy arguments.

The first was about which character has done the most horrid thing possible. Or the old, well "Character A" did these "horrible things" and got redeemed, why can't they redeem Character B, and more importantly why can't you find a way to give Character B the benefit of the doubt and a chance, along with their arc?

Answer? Because I don't want to, dammit.

That's really the most honest answer. Because let's face it any fictional character can be redeemed or be found to be likable by somebody. It's not a matter of whether or not they can be, it's a matter of whether or not the viewer or reader wants to deal with it.
( meta on disagreements over characters and why I write meta )

The other thing we fought over was whether a necklace was gold or silver. It's a prop, and obviously fairly cheap - so it can look gold or silver depending on the lighting and definition of the television set. Not all Television Sets are created equal. Several people, including myself, and my mother saw a silver necklace, the rest including the board moderator saw a gold one. (Note - my mother is NOT on the fanboard. I would never go on a discussion board with my mother - and she doesn't like those things anyhow.) It was important, because a character that most of us despised was shown to have the other half of the necklace. That half was gold. It was important - because apparently the character with the necklace that appeared to be silver had a missing daughter. Her mother who sold said daughter on the black market, gave the other half of the necklace to the daughter she'd sold. It was an important detail and people were fighting over it - mainly because they didn't like the direction the story was going and wanted it to go another route.

It reminds me of the arguments we had online in Buffy, Doctor Who, etc - over minute details that didn't work. Such as how come Spike has a reflection in a window, when he's a vampire? Is there inner meaning to that? (No, they forgot to edit it out.)

What works for me is to figure out why. If I can analyze it and come up with an explanation - then I have control. It makes sense. I move on. I like to make rational sense of things, to grab some semblance of control over something that bugs or confuses me. I'm detail oriented and analytical - I like things to make sense sometimes. It comforts me.

So this is the other reason I write meta or long posts on the internet - to make sense of the world around me, and to connect to others of similar dispositions. To make sense, and to feel less alone. Less afraid. Less uncertain. To have control.
If I can make sense of the non-sensical, it helps.

1. It's another beautiful day that I'm strongly considering just laying low during, since I have to negotiate a change order tomorrow.

Watched "Avengers: Endgame" last night -- and it like the other films, weirdly improves upon re-watching. ( Read more... )

Anyhow, that aside, the bonus materials are interesting -- it has about five hours worth. There's a thirty minute tribute to Stan Lee, featuring all his cameos across the films and footage of him taping each one. And then twenty-thirty minute in depth bits on the casting and creation of each of the major Avengers Characters -- from Iron Man to Black Widow.

Making my way through it...they manage to explain and quite well a few of the controversial decisions they made. Thor's journey, Captain America's (only controversial if you are a) a Bucky/Steve romantic shipper (which honestly is shipping vague and open to interpretation subtext and against text and you gotta know you won't get what you want), b) nit-picky about the time travel bit, and Black Widow.

There's a deleted scenes reel -- the decisions on that were right on the mark. Those scenes needed to be deleted. A gag reel. A making of the series -- how they selected the writers and directors, sort of the congratulatory bit.

And now...we have the film commentary section, where we go through the film with the directors/writers, and they explain all their decisions they made as they go through the film shot by shot.

Basically for the price of $19.99 - I get the movie, and about six hours of the rest. Which is a deal. Considering I spent $21 to see the original. Downside? The commentary for some reason will throw me out every fifteen minutes.

Commentary:
( transcript of highlights from the writer/director commentary )


2. On the walk yesterday with Wales, she informed me that she was off social media - as in Twitter, Facebook, Instagram...due to the law firm she had worked for. Law firms when they defend or prosecute a law suite -- will demand a data dump from all the social media resources out there. Or access to them.

I told her this was why I tend to put stuff on DW, and am very careful on Facebook and Twitter.

She said that DW was not listed in the social media request list or access list. They didn't request stuff from it nor did they know it existed.
( Read more... )

Received lots of lovely icons and vids from folks in my Fandom Stocking. Very happy with the result. Wasn't really expecting anything.

Lots of Killing Eve Icons, also some good MCU icons.

A Farscape drabble.

And a couple of interesting fanfvids.

1. "I Did Something Bad" by jarrow - vid on Killing Eve (Villenalle and Eve) -- and I really like that Taylor Swift song, one of the few of her's I like. She has a handful that are really interesting.

2. Die Young - Buffy by kaydeefalls -- this is a rather inventive fanvid, and one of the VERY few that isn't shippy. It remarks on the theme of Dying Young in Sunnydale...and life in that verse. It's rather fun and a fun song as well.

3. An interesting if rather dark look at the Tenth Doctor Who entitled "I Can Ride My Bike with No Handlebars" == the vid isn't great, but I found the song and the message interesting.

4. And.. Control - MCU Jessica Jones -- exploring her relationship with Kilgrave. Not as good as the first two, but the vid is good as is the song.

Also nice Killing Eve icons from cookiegirl and MCU icons from three other people. Also tarlanx gave me some Black Panther icons.

All in all, quite satisfied. Sorry I couldn't return the favor. ;-)

Some very generous folks out there.

I was thinking about this after reading a reply to another post, regarding character and relationship shipping.

Like most people, I suspect, I tend to love the characters that I personally can relate to the most or if I don't, fascinate or interest me. I often can't explain why I like them or why they fascinate me. Sometimes I'll write a post or meta in an attempt to figure it out. It's like writing fanfic, I guess, you play with the characters or bits that bug or intrigue or interest you? (shrugs)

There's not that many television series that I've gotten obsessive about or shipped characters on. Nor would I necessarily state that all the television series that I've been obsessive about were high quality or worth mentioning. Some are guilty pleasures, which I'm tentative about voicing aloud, for fear of being judged. (Alas, I still care far too much about what others think. I know should care less, but well...I'm not quite there yet.) All tend to be serials. I'm not a fan of non-serials, I like character stories more than plot driven ones; it's how I roll. And I have a weakness for the soap opera genre. If you hate the genre, don't tell me. It's not that I don't care, it's that I do, perhaps more than I should, and it hurts me. Feels like someone ripping apart a favorite toy. Have you ever had that happen? Had someone take a toy that you loved and rip it to pieces? Or stomp on it with their dirty boots?

I'm ashamed to say, I'm not much different. I have stomped on favorite toys with dirty boots -- in part because the toy in question irritated me or made me angry. I think it's hard sometimes to realize there's another perspective, another way of seeing it. There's this brilliant song in Sondheim's "Into the Woods", which has always haunted me -- No one is alone. One of the stanzas states that you have to remember, that while there are people on your side, there are people who are not, and there is always someone on the other person's side too, no one is alone.

Okay, tangent. But, I was thinking about this...because while there are characters I love in television shows, there are equally characters I despised. I'd go online and discover much to my considerable chagrin that are people out there who loved the characters that I despised. I'd think, what - is this bizarro land? How can you possibly like let alone love this character? And how can you hate my favorite character? Are you crazy? What universe are you residing in? I could not wrap my mind around it. How could there be people who liked Harmony? Or Robin Wood? Or that mean girl, Cordelia?? Or gasp, Warren Myers? WTF? What in the heck was so appealing about that scene stealing Andrew? Why didn't people like Connor? Why didn't they love Willow? How could they hate Buffy? Why did they hate Spike? How could they? Didn't they see how cool Darla and Drusilla were? Why did they think Buffy/Angel belonged together still? Wasn't it obvious that was a high school romance that could not work? Also, Angel was sooo much older than her? How could people ship Buffy and Giles?

But alas, they did. Not only that, they wrote lengthy posts on why and supported their rational. Still felt like bizarro world, but they had a right to their point of view, even if it skewed with my own. I found people who shared my own, of course. But often they had bizarre views as well - such as there was no way Spike would ever attack Buffy, when it was clear to me that he would. Or saw the characters very differently than I did, almost as if we were watching separate shows.

Over time, it occurred to me, of course, that people do not think the same way. We focus on different things. Different things irritate us. Or urk us. Or trigger us, in different ways. Willow's voice irritated some people. Some had issues with her redemption and the character grated on them. While Cordelia and Harmony irritated me. Heck, Cordelia's voice apparently irritated me, I realized this last night while watching Lucifer, where the actress made a brief guest-star experience. Yep, something about her voice and acting style irritated me. As did the actress playing Harmony. So it wasn't just the characters they played but the actresses themselves. I don't know why. It just is. They irritated me. But others loved them to pieces, thought they were amazing. Go figure.

By the same token, for some odd reason, the characters of Willow, Spike, Buffy, and Giles fascinated me. Giles -- mainly due to the actor who portrayed him, Anthony Stewart Head. I'd seen Head several years prior in a stage production of Chess, and fell in love with him. He was subbing for his brother Murray Head at the time. Then I followed him through various Taster's Choice commercials on to VR5 and finally Buffy. I started watching for Head, almost stopped because I was disappointed in the lack of a substantial role for the actor. I was also, fascinated by the character of Angel -- who seemed to have lots of dark secrets. Xander made me laugh for the most part, and I enjoyed the character and found him interesting up until the actor's personal demons caught up to him and he derailed taking the character along with him. (This happened sometime around S5 -S7, which is why Xander began to disappear from the story a bit. It wasn't that the writers lost interest in the character so much as the actor had serious issues and it interfered with his work. It happens.) Faith disappointed me, I wanted more and felt somehow swindled or let down by the writers. She was interesting, but fell into cliche, without ever quite rising above it. So much wasted potential there. I felt they handled Spike better -- he could have easily gone the route Faith did. But they managed to keep him more ambiguous and didn't fall as easily into cliche as they did with poor Faith. But others didn't see it that way. They saw it the exact opposite. They loved Faith and hated Spike and thought Spike was a walking cliche and that the writers ruined the character. Some thought Spike ruined the show, like Fonzie did Happy Days -- someone even wrote a lengthy post or essay on this. See, bizarro world. Up is down. Green is blue.

It's hard to ship characters or relationships with others. Oh, on shipping? I've even run into arguments regarding whether "ship" should just be used in regards to "relationship shipping" as opposed to "characters". And that it is inaccurate and wrong to use the word in regards to shipping a character, because that just isn't done. And what the hell am I doing? This is weird! So not only did people disagree on how I saw the characters, their relationships, and back stories, but also the word or semantics I used to describe how I felt about them.

The semantic's arguments drove me crazy, I'll admit. I'll try to explain why -- I think it goes back to having a speech impediment when I was in school and having people constantly make fun of me or correct my speech. They still do occasionally, because I have a sort of aphasia when it comes to uttering the correct word. Sometimes I'll say a completely different word than I thought I said. (It's a genetic quirk, my mother and brother do it too.) I'll think for example "wrote" but will say "route" sometimes will even write it. I won't know I said the other word. It's why I prefer writing -- you can go back and edit. You can't with speech. People also don't tend to be very patient, and will often be cruel about it and judgemental.

See, here is the problem with people, I think, and this goes beyond this post...people have difficulty wrapping their minds around the fact that other people don't think or see or view or taste or smell or perceive the world the same way they do. We don't. It's not possible. It's why life is so hard but also so interesting...because trying to connect, truly and authentically connect to another human soul is difficult. And can seem impossible. It rarely seems to happen. When it does -- it is magic. We gravitate to that person, who seems to "see" us. Or at least I do. Wow, I'll think, you get me! You see Spike the exact same way I did! This is so cool! Let's be buds. Of course, a little while later, you discover, okay that's the only thing we have in common, so not going to work out. But what the hey, it was fun while it lasted.

I thought this today when I read a long response to another post. While reading it in my email, since I don't have lj access at work...I thought, damn, I don't agree at all. We seem opposed. I don't like those characters. I like these characters. Did we see different shows? I was grumpy and in a foul mood already. But luckily I have no access to lj at work...so I was prevented from responding on the fly. Most posting mistakes are made on the fly. There's something to be said - for thinking it over. Although I've made colossal posting mistakes after taking a week to think it over. So there's that.

Anywho...after I read the response a second time, I realized the individual was simply being candid or authentic. They were trusting me with their views and hoping somehow for a connection. It didn't exactly come, but that's hardly their fault or mine. It just is, what it is.

I see this all the time on social media -- people hunting connection, and rarely finding it. Too often you sit there with your thumb hanging out in the wind, no takers. Crickets heard in the silence. Others, you have an insane number of responses, and yet still no connection, everyone has misunderstood your post or taken what you said out of context - reacting emotionally to a phrase here or there that triggered them. They didn't listen to what you said, they didn't hear the post. They just reacted to the portions that they felt related directly to them or affronted them. And then there are the times, in which magically, people get it. The connection happens. Somehow you connect with that guy in Sweden or in Brazil, or that gal in England or France or Canada. Half a world away. So far, in fact, it seems insane that you did connect, that they found you.

It's those rare moments that are addicting and bring me back time and again. I never know what post will bring them on. What will click. It's like sending a message out in a bottle, and suddenly having someone send one back. Except faster, oh so much faster.

To truly connect with another soul, another mind, is a wonderful feeling. But it happens so rarely in today's world. People don't take the time to listen, I think. There's too much noise, too much to do, too much to read, too much...I was wandering about in Barnes and Nobel the other day and felt overwhelmed by the sheer volume of new releases...so many, and I got depressed. Instead of excited. It depressed me and I walked out, thinking, too many books, no way to know which to read. And why am I bothering to write ...when there are so many other tales and stories out there. Who would want to listen to me? Me, a small, little voice in the wilderness? What could I possibly say that hasn't already been said? What story could I tell? Even now, I wonder that...amidst a thousand, more than a thousand posts...why would someone read this one? It's long. It's rambling. And it goes off on tangents.

And yet, I continue to write and continue to post. Am doing so now, even though I should be in bed listening to the rain fall outside my windows. I try to connect to you through characters in a long ago canceled television show entitled Buffy the Vampire Slayer, even though, to be honest, I've long since given up shipping or caring about them. Having moved on in the interim. But old habits, die hard. And this topic seems easier than most somehow...yet, false too. So..the loneliness seeps in, not from being alone, but from the sense that I can't quite connect. Can't quite be me. Candid. Authentic. Without somehow cutting off bits and pieces of myself. And wondering, if anyone out there perhaps..feels the same.

I wrote the following in someone else's journal, but I think it bears repeating here, because it explains my issue with fandom and why I'm happy I'm not in any at the moment.

I think the biggest problem is there are a lot of fans out there who like to shame other fans into sharing their perspective or favorite characters. Which always annoyed me. It's okay to disagree, but launching a self-righteous attack or shaming someone, who happens to love a character, book, tv show, piece of music that you despise...is unnecessary and hardly helpful.

Buffy was complicated show, filled with characters who made complicated not to mention highly questionable moral choices. Some of the choices they made were shocking and offensive (although less so now, I've seen far worse television shows ...*cough*Game of Thrones*cough* in regards to violence and torture. Buffy is a walk in the park in comparison.)

What annoyed me the most in the Buffy fandom was the tendency fans had to "shame" other fans for liking or loving fictional characters that made unacceptable or questionable moral choices. So what if I adored Spike. I happen to find complicated and rather dark characters interesting. Let me adore Spike. I liked Angel too. Actually I liked all the characters (well except for Robin Wood, Warren and Andrew, who were supporting and barely there so not worth mentioning). And at one point, I even liked Bangle. Being nasty about my love of Spike and constantly throwing your ship in my face as better from a moral or ethical standpoint, isn't going to make me agree with you -- all it is going to do is make me resent you for making me despise Angel or whichever character you are promoting, who was a character that I actually liked. I wonder if this ever occurred to people? By bashing another fan's favorite character - all you accomplished was make that fan dislike you and your favorite character. Hardly helpful and a wee bit counter-productive.

It brought a level of negativity and nasty emotions into the discussion, which were unnecessary. I found it very hard to respect the fans who insisted on doing this and either defriended them or ignored them.

I'd say this is limited to the Buffy fandom, but it's not. Nor was it limited to Spike fans - I've seen similar attacks launched at Willow, Xander, Buffy, and Angel fans. (Don't get me started on poor Connor, Dawn and Cordelia.) I've seen it happen in the BSG, Game of Thrones, Lost, Doctor Who, SPN, Trek, and Harry Potter fandoms. So it is a problem across the board. The shaming of people who do not share your point of view.
I wish people wouldn't do that. It should be fun to discuss books, characters, tv shows, movies and music that you adore - without fear being shamed for it.