Spontaneous Musings

Struggling with rage and frustration, and a sense of futility. I honestly don't know what to do?
( conversations with family )
**

I wanted to get another storage basket container like the one I'd gotten about three years ago from Amazon, when...I found out Bestos is best buddies with the Doofus, and afraid of him. I'm not sure it really matters if I buy stuff from Amazon - most of it is from third party sellers, and it's low-priced. He won't notice. Meanwhile the stock is diving, which is a good thing. Dive Amazon Stock, Dive.

***

The rage sometimes threatens to engulf me. It hurts. It is a physical ache in the center of my chest, it's a catch in my throat, it's a throbbing headache, it's an ache in my feet...and I find myself reaching for chocolate or eating things I shouldn't. I meditate daily. Deeps breaths. Letting the thoughts roll aside like angry thunderclouds in the sky before lightening can strike. I look for hope in all the corners, and good news in the oddest of places. Even as my mind occasionally rages in futility.

The worst part? Is this feeling of powerlessness in the face of an encroaching darkness. I want to scream at people, shake them, until they topple - "WHY? WHY? WHY? WHHHYYYYYYYY AREN'T YOU DOING ANYTHING TO STOP THIS? WHY DID YOU VOTE FOR HIM? WHY WON'T YOU IMPEACH???" The Whyyy part reminds me of the song Gethsame from Jesus Christ Superstar. I listened to about five different people singing this song over the Easter Holidays.
Ted Neely and Ian Gillen do it the best. Here's the Ian Gillen version - and his range on WHYYYYY is phenomenal.

This is my favorite song from the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, and my favorite of all of their musicals. (Although the Tango between Che and Evita comes close from the musical EVITA). It's an odd pick, I know. Almost nonsensical. And it may sound strange, but the character that resonated the most with me from that story is Jesus. And that song just fascinates me - and it really expresses the feeling of powerlessness and despair in the face of the inevitable or what you know is coming but can do nothing to stop. It's almost better if you don't know it is coming...knowing and being unable to stop it, makes it a hundred times worse.

What a lot of people don't appear to know or realize about the Jesus story, is Jesus was a radical revolutionary and a socialist.( Read more... )

People, I remind myself every single day, are more than one thing. But watching what is happening at the moment it's hard to remember that. I am lucky. I work for a State Agency, in a liberal progressive state, and for an agency that is necessary and not solely dependent on Federal funds, actually it can to a degree survive without them. And while I live in a heavy immigrant community, all are well documented, and no ICE in sight.

But I am still angry. Still fearful. And I still feel much like Jesus may have felt...raging at a distant, and unknowable and often silent Universe.

March Memage

15. It’s Red Nose Day – a day to raise funds for those in need, particularly for ending poverty in children. Have you ever taken part in a Red Nose Day event? Have you ever bought a red nose to wear?

I watched it once. But no. I do other charitable things, just not Red Nose Day.

16. Do you regularly eat breakfast? What’s your favourite thing to eat?

Yes. I'm diabetic and have always had low blood sugar issues. Also I prefer breakfast to lunch for the most part. And have been known to have breakfast on weekends and skip lunch.

Poached egg over greens, with some lemon juice and pepper every morning. Weekends, I tend to have either an omelet, scrambled eggs and bacon, with a gluten free english muffin or muffin, or gluten free mini-waffels with bacon or sausage and just skip lunch.

17. Do you add things to your ‘to-do’ list just so you can cross them out immediately to say you’ve done them?

Yes, assuming I remember to do the list or where I put it. I'm not an organized thinker.

18. Have you got a dedicated place to keep your shoes?


Yes - two places, one at the entry way, and one in my bedroom. And I have too many shoes, all of which appear to be mainly black in color. I do have a pair of purple sneakers.

19. Do you like scented candles?

Depends on the scent? But yes. I like fresh ocean scent and orange scented candles, also lemon. And pine. I can't do floral or cinnamon - since I'm allergic.

*******

From AP News Wire: "U.S. District Judge Ana Reyes in Washington, D.C., ruled that Trump’s order to exclude transgender troops from military service likely violates their constitutional rights. She delayed her order by three days to give the administration time to appeal." Go HERE

NASA astronauts Butch Wilmore and Suni Williams return to Earth after 9 months stuck in space. Their SpaceX capsule parachuted into the Gulf of Mexico in the early evening, just hours after departing the International Space Station. Splashdown occurred off the coast of Tallahassee in the Florida Panhandle, bringing their unplanned odyssey to an end.

And on a purely personal note? My niece and brother are visiting my Mother in South Carolina. Niece (who has been doing cold plunges in Montana) went swimming today. The water is somewhere in the 50s-60s and it was in the upper 60s today on the beach. Anyhow, she went swimming in the ocean, and below her head, and came face to face with a jelly fish. A box jelly fish.
She leapt up screaming, and raced to shore.

The jelly fish had wrapped around her face.

Needless to say - I freaked out when I heard this story.

Me: Is she okay?
Mother: seems to be, no issues at all.
Me: Are you sure?
Mother: (to niece) Tell your Aunt that you are okay.
Niece: I'm fine, it was nothing. My eyelids still sting, but other than that...
Me: So not a man of war?
Niece: no it was small and I think a Box Jelly Fish.
Me: I thought it was too cold for Jelly Fish?
Niece: do did I, but apparently not. There were a ton on the beach, so I probably should have realized they'd be in the water. No one else was out swimming.

( the cheese stands alone )
***

On the subway ride home, I look up from my book, earphones in place, and catch a young man with spectacles and a goatee drawing me.
( Read more... )
***

Drops of water hit my shoulders on the way home. Kids and their mothers huddle on a patch of grass near an apartment doorway, while a man rolls about in a wheelchair with no legs, and another strums a tune on the guitar behind him. Balding, yet young, the guitar player, not the man with no legs.

***

( Mother broke her nose. )
***

Loneliness slips beneath the cracks
While the world whirls and laughs
Until one feels almost gone
Swallowed whole
Not quite there
At all

Above is NYC at sunset, taken from the plane, over 20,000 feet above the city.

Returned around 6:30 pm, and disembarked around 6:45 or so, because the gate agent wasn't at the gate. When we left the plane, there was a booming alarm at our gate - and literally no one in that section of the terminal.
It was like an episode out of the Twilight Zone. The entire section was empty. The only people at gates 81-89 were the people on the small plane from Hilton Head. Also upon exiting these gates, there was no one but us on the way to baggage claim or on the way out of the building. There were more people at Hilton Head's tiny airport - and most of those were on the plane with me.

It took a good twenty-five minutes to get to the cab line. And there was no one there, but the person checking in the cabs and well fifty some cabs all waiting for passengers that did not appear. I was the only one who popped up. The guy driving my cab, who hailed from Jordan by way of Suffolk County, Long Island - said he'd been waiting over three hours.

It was kind of unsettling. I've never seen such an empty airport - and Laguardia, no less. I wondered what happened.

The cab ride home was for the most part uneventful - although after driving around Hilton Head for the last eight days - I've decided New York Drivers, specifically NYC drivers are insane. They should all have their licenses revoked. Anyone who thinks it is safer driving a car in NYC - is crazy.
When we pulled up in front of my apartment complex - which is a narrow street along side Ocean Parkway - it's basically one way street, walking/biking median, four lane street, island, one way street. With parked cars on both sides, and street lights. Anyhow, when we pulled up and I was busy hunting money to pay the cabbie - and having troubles seeing it in the dark - all the dingbat cars that lined up behind us and had decided to pull out of their parking spots to do so - honked at maxium volume behind me. I gave them the finger, and cursed them out. So did the cabbie.
It was a red light, they couldn't go anywhere anyhow. Again, I rest my case, New York City Drivers are insane.

Upon entering the apartment building - I discovered two things: 1) that they are replacing all the laundry machines, and the money machine, and raising the prices (per the sign on the door), and 2) my fire alarm was apparently low on batteries after all and beeping a mean streak. It wasn't steam, it was a low battery. The super took it down, told me to get a new batter, and he'd reinstall, early next week. (I have tall ceilings and you need a ladder to get to it.)

I'm tired, and after a week at my mother's house - feel an overwhelming urge to declutter. I need to get rid of books, papers, and organize clothing. It's also cooler here.

Below is a photo of my last day in Hilton Head...we ate at the Crazy Crab (I had a shrimp and crab boil, and mother had crab cakes. I couldn't finish it - so I packed up the rest of the shrimp and potatoes (red potatoes) for Mother to eat tomorrow. The shrimp had to be peeled.) Also had a frozen strawberry margarita - to take the edge off my nerves. Outside of eating, we sat and watched people and boats in the harbor. The Crazy Crab has been on Hilton Head Island for fifty years.

My father used to say that, along with things like "Good on you", and "Wherever you are, There you are", and "That's Alright? It's alright." He's been on my mind a lot of late, and I couldn't seem to stop talking about him over the holiday. It was as if...he was everywhere, yet nowhere at the same time. If that makes any sense? While down there...mother asked if I wanted my father's left over art supplies, and the wooden suitcase style box that he carted them around in. Also, she wanted me to take his watercolors, which he worked so hard on, and was so proud of, and display them - once she was gone, or if anything happened to her. Here's one of them, and I took pictures of all five. I like them, so I'll take them, no problem. (My father and I had similar tastes in art.)



Although home really is where the folks I love are.. it is nice to be in my own space again, with my laptop, my own bed, fridge, kitchen, etc. My life is in NYC, my Momma is in Hilton Head. Such is life. Also the people I love are kind of across the globe. And in NY, of course.

Also as lovely as Hilton Head is, I did miss NYC in some respects. ( Read more... )

It was a lovely and uneventful visit. Mother has a persistent cough, but it wasn't a contagious one. Although she became convinced this morning, for some reason or other that it was COVID. So insisted on taking a test in her armchair. I tried to tell her it was supposed to be done on a hard service - but to no avail. She took another one after she dropped me off at the airport, and it was negative too. I think it may be a blood pressure medication issue. But she will check with her doctor again. I worry about her, but alas, there is nothing I can do.

We did enjoy each other's company, talked about my Dad, whom she misses every day - but has managed to find a way to enjoy her life without him there. She's lonely though, I think. But she has friends, and people who care about her. Also, in a way, having my father at the Preston and their separation helped her get used to his absence, at least enough, to make it bearable. She reminds me a lot of her own mother, in her resourcefulness and determination to find the joy in small things. I try to emulate them both.

**

I'm not a fan of regaling folks with the gifts that I've received or provided. Let's just say, everyone was grateful and happy. I found this season - that I felt very ambivalent about Christmas. Although I did help Momma decorate her tree, and remove the decorations. It turned out nicely, I think...



She put the other decorations up herself. But the tree - she discovered she could get maintenance to put up and take down. They do so many, and do it faster than we do. There was a brief scare though - on Thursday night, we had a deep freeze, and Mother felt the need to drip her outside faucets. (I figured okay, that's not a big deal, and let her go out and do that. Big mistake.) Mother, without telling me and for reasons that escape me, decided she had to put sheets over her hibiscus and a fern. She was trying to protect them. And due to where the hibiscus is located, she almost fell over. Actually she did, kind of fall, but didn't hurt herself. Just over-exerted herself. She came back inside, wheezing, and I got worried. I also told her not to do that again, and next time to ask me to do it. It was completely futile of course - since it was windy, and the wind blew the sheets off the plants. Both got frozen, and she lost the hibiscus, alas. (Also, most likely the fern.) Hilton Head doesn't usually get temperatures below 32 degrees F.

***

My brother got COVID, most likely from his trip up to Montreal with his family. Fever, cough, sore throat, no voice. His doctor told him to hold off on taking the anti-virals. He's feeling better today, but now, his wife seems to have come down with it. (They had four of the five vaccines, but not the biavalent. I've also had four of the five, but the biavalent, not the booster in May. Also I was all Pfizer, they were all Moderna. Mother has had five of the five - all Moderna. Niece got COVID twice, once in May, and again in October or November, so she's probably immune at the moment.)

He apparently went to a spa that is operated off of a barge in Montreal. And had one of the best prepared meals of his life - six-seven courses, with a different wine entry for each course.

***

Over the holidays, mother and I went to the musical A Christmas Story at the Hilton Head Self Family Arts Center - which puts on repertory and touring productions of various musicals and plays throughout the year. In the past, we've seen Hello, Dolly, My Fair Lady, Mary Poppins, Singing in the Rain, White Christmas, Newsies, and a few others. Some are better than others. Mother and I went in with low expectations for this one. (Last year they put on Elf, which we skipped, since neither of us have been able to make it through the film version - let alone a musical adaptation. At least we enjoyed the film version of A Christmas Story.)

It was a lot better than I thought it would be. ( Read more... )

****

I think the Universe took pity on me, and decided to give me an uneventful holiday? I didn't get sick. Allergies weren't an issue. No flight delays (outside of a very brief one on the way down. The flight crew was late coming out of Boston, so we were delayed about an hour, if that). By the LaGuardia is amazing. ( Read more... )

When I got into JFK - it was wall to wall people. My god, I've not seen that many people in an airport in a long time. ( Read more... )

***

Mother saw six movies over the holiday.

1. The Last Duel (Hulu) - starring Jodi Comer, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and Adam Driver. Directed by Ridley Scott. We were pleasantly surprised by it. It's actually a very good movie. Adapted from a true story - it is told in three perspectives. ( Read more... )

[Available on Hulu]

2. Bullet Train - this was enjoyable and funny. A kind of action/comedy. It stars, Brad Pitt (making fun of action heroes again), Sandra Bullock (she's not really seen through most of the movie), Joey King, and a whole lot of other folks. Directed by David Leitch.

It's fast action. About a group of seemingly unrelated folks brought together on a Japanese Bullet Train to Russia. Except - they are all somehow connected to a Russian Assassin, known as the White Death (portrayed by Michael Shannon). It's better to go in blind, so won't tell you anything else. Half the fun is figuring it out. Mother and I were having a blast figuring out the movie, with it's fast talking banter, and twists and turns.

[Available on Netflix]

3. Glass Onion: Knives Out Mystery directed by Rian Johnson, who is having fun parodying, satirizing and playing homage to Agatha Christie's
parlor room mysteries. Standing in for Hercule Poirot, is Daniel Craig's bumbling Benoit, who has a thick Southern Twang.
( Read more... )

[Available on Netflix.]

 
4. Wild Mountain Thyme by John Patrick Shanely, who apparently did Moonstruck. (It's not Moonstruck). It stars, Christopher Walken, Emily Blunt, Jamie Dorman, and Jon Hamm.

I found it to be a bit slow in places. ( Read more... )

[Available on Hulu]

5. Code Name Banshee - stars Antonio Banderas in a small role. It's okay.
Lots of action. Kind of boring. I went to sleep during it. ( Read more... )

6. Charade - Cary Grant, Audrey Hepburn, Walter Matheu, George Kennedy, and James Coburn round out the cast of the best Hitchockian film not directed by Hitchcock. It was also recently added to the Library of Congress - one of the 25 selections added to that film library.

It's an interesting film. Charming and twisty. Also, suspenseful. I'd forgotten most of it - even though I'd seen it at least twice previously.

It's available on TCM Movie Classics.

***

Yawn.

Going to bed. I got up early - and had a busy day. Tomorrow will be busy too - my goal is to get rid of things, while waiting for a package. Friday - I plan to go into the city and buy a new, short, coat from Macy's.

Leaving you with a picture of the beach. It was too cold to go to the beach until roughly Tuesday afternoon. So mother and I went, she only went as far as the boardwalk. She can't walk very far. But there's a little gazebo there that she can sit and wait at - which overlooks the ocean. It's a new addition. I walked out to the water - since it was low tide and the beach was flat as a pancake, flatter actually, and the water exceptionally calm.

1. My allergies are driving me crazy. ( Read more... )

2. In other news? Crazy Org now offers the Biavelent Booster via Pfizer/Biomed. ( Read more... )

3. Bro was sick for a few days and self-isolated. He had some sort of stomach bug. But I think his bottled up emotions caught up with him.
( grief is a tricky thing )

4. In other news, Chidi asked for the title of the book that I published, so he can share it with a friend of his, look it up, and possibly buy it himself. It's free on Kindle Unlimited, and about $2.99 regular Kindle, and $12.99 in paperback (printing costs and all that). I refuse to charge more than $2.99 for a Kindle book. It costs me nothing. And I want folks to be able to read it. I'm not going to make that much off of it.

Chidi also told me that we need to be there for each other during this trying time - and be an ear. I hope I'm doing that for others. Not certain.

5. I'm still reading "Unravel the Dusk by Elizabeth Lim" - it is book two of her "Blood of the Stars" series. Book one was "Spin the Dawn". There's only two books in the series. She's Japanese-American and her stories feature Japanese and Asian mythology.
( Amazon description of novel )
Unfortunately it's poorly paced, and slow going. Either that - or it's just me, and I am having troubles focusing on it? Hard to know. I like the mythology and the world-building more than the characters - which is a problem. Also the fairy-tale nature of the story. But it's told in first person and the voice is kind of weak? Or whiny? I can't quite decide which, which makes it slow going at times. I'm 60% of the way through and wondering if it will ever end. But want to know what happens.

I'm in a horrible reading slump. Someone needs to recommend a page turner to me, right quick. I did get Andy Weir's Project Hail Mary for about $2.99 on Amazon, along with the audiobook for $4.99. It's not like I don't have a lot of books to read.

Just not a lot of attention span.

6. Twitter had an article about how Marvel Studios Reboot of the X-Men is rumored to be based on Joss Whedon and John Cassadays Astonishing X-men

Which might actually work. ( excuse me while I get geeky or nerdy about my favorite comic book series transitioning to film or television )

My cousin J asked if I'd seen all the Marvel films and what I made out of the controversy over the female Captain America. I had to think about it for a minute - because I got confused and thought he was talking about Captain Marvel. But no, he was talking about AU version - Angela Carter becoming Captain America in another universe (she's in the Doctor Strange film as Captain America).

Then his wife asked why I loved superhero films and comics so much, what drew me to them. ( Read more... )

Re-connecting with family last week - particularly my extended family helped me reorient myself a bit in the world and realize that my parents had given me many gifts, and I'm not as alone as I might think.
***

Okay enough of that. Off to bed. I'm tired. And have to do a site tour tomorrow near Fire Island of all places - it's about two-three hours from where I live, by train. So I travel one hour and fifteen minutes to the office. Get everything together, leave for another train, take it an hour and fifteen minutes to the station, facilitate site tour (basically take attendance and babysit), then hop on another train and go home. It's supposed to rain tomorrow - I'm praying it holds off until the afternoon. Because I really don't want to wait in the rain for a train. I also don't want to do a site tour in the rain. I may beg the project manager for a ride to a closer station if it is raining. (With the threat that I can't work on her addendum if I'm stuck in Sayville.)

1. Kind of fun and definitely useful

As the number of air travelers rises, returning to near-prepandemic levels, so do questions about flying protocols and rules — particularly what travelers can and cannot take in their carry-on luggage when flying within the United States. For instance: Is guacamole a solid or a liquid? (It’s a gel, which falls under the same restrictions as liquids and is not allowed in your carry-on — unless it’s inside a 3.4-ounce container.)

Here’s a guide to help you navigate the more ambiguous carry-on rules — with some quiz questions throughout to test your knowledge, too.

2. Today gave me a headache. That is all.

3. Mother agreed with me, that my father's funeral is beginning to remind her of a wedding, in particular her own - apparently it also only had four Catholics in attendance.

I told her about one of the responses to my post on how my uncle was planning on doing my father's funeral.
( Read more... )
This came up because my brother went to Buffalo and Niagra Falls to get a new suit. (I don't know why he didn't drive to NYC to do it. My brother's logic and me tend to be unmixy things, it's actually one of the reasons we don't get along.)
( Read more... )
Frigging hell, he went to get a suit and to Niagra Falls with his wife.
I want my brother's life.

Meanwhile, I'm day-dreaming about taking an excursion to either The Little Island or Governor's Island - apparently you can camp or glamp on Governor's Island in luxury tents and cabins" (which I don't know, is that even camping? Kind of takes all the allure out of the sport. It's camping for people like myself who hate sleeping on the ground and want my own private bathroom and shower at my beck and call). Of course you have to book months in advance, because hello, NYC. Everything in NYC has to be booked in advance - we've got 12 million people plus tourists, so approximately 15 million people. Apparently there are people fleeing NYC? If so, more power to them - I wish more people would. Go, shoo. Flee to Pennsylvania and preferably Kansas City. (Although it is awfully hot in Kansas City at the moment - I can see why you might not want to flee that far.)

There are things that don't need to be booked in advance - things no one really knows about.

Today on the way home from work - they had cordoned off the streets around BAM for a street fair of sorts. It was a pleasant surprise - it meant I could walk obstacle free to the subway. No pesky cars and bikes to bar my path. Sure there were inflated bounce rooms. One was designed as a giant Wall E (it was ugly and looked like a haunted house), and another was a huge slide or a series of slides. Inflated bounce rooms are weirdly popular at the moment. You'd think the pandemic would make it the opposite - but no. The Worlds Biggest Bounce House is Coming to Brooklyn This Fall - or in September. [It's coming to the park near Brighton Beach or to the east of it. I can't get there - I'd need to find a friend with a kid and a car, and ...well...it's not like I'm into Bounce houses. I've never really understood the point of them to be honest. I'm more of a water park kid. But it would be fun to do with kids.] Anyhow, no clue what the fair was about - something regarding "Epic Solutions", the NYPD even had a booth - so I'm thinking a youth job fair.

It was definitely warm enough - and no rain.

4. Worried again today whether I'm nice. Okay worry isn't quite the right word. I pondered whether I was nice. I really need to block out my co-worker's conversations. I wear earphones, it should be easy. Maybe I should invest in ear pods which I can wander about in?

I don't feel nice at the moment. I'm too frustrated with everybody and everything to feel nice. I feel I have no control over anything and am sort of trapped.

Trying to find the positives. My life's never been that traumatizing, which is why...I can't say things have ever gotten necessarily better.

Mel: We're thinking things have to get better soon, right? You've worked here a long time...what do you think?
Me: I don't know. They got really bad for a bit back in 2009-2014 or thereabouts, before you came on board. We went a good five years without any raises, promotions or hires, and everyone was either over-worked or had no work since we were in a recession and had no money. Then you came on board and we got promoted and got raises, and things were good. Then we all move to 347, and well...hired more people, then wham. So what I can promise? They'll be different. But better? Eh, matter of perspective, I guess.

I pondered this later with mother over the phone.
( Read more... )
I think life is annoyingly vague. And it's really hard to judge anyone's life including our own because of that. For the most part - after a while it feels a bit like a fever dream.

I've been listening to the Sandman, so that's clearly affected my views on this. Well that and this thing I saw on ...Twitter - posted by shipperx,
The Most Famous Paradox in Physics Nears its end

Growing evidence supports what physicists have long suspected: In some way or other, space-time itself seems to fall apart at a black hole, implying that space-time is not the root level of reality, but an emergent structure from something deeper.

So basically time folds in on itself, and as seemingly linear thinkers in a seemingly non-linear universe, our perception of reality itself may in fact be a mere construct of our mind to make sense of things and live in an ever changing and unknowable universe.

And I just gave myself another headache.

Too much thinking for one day. Time for bed.

Here's hoping your day was better than mine, or at the very least no worse.

1. Werewolf erotica is the latest gig world trend

Well this would certainly explain the sudden surplus of really bad Werewolf erotica novels on the market. I was wondering what was up with that. I keep seeing them advertised on Smart Bitches.

( excerpt )

Sigh. But hey reading this on oursin's page woke me up. I was drifting off to sleep. Nothing like a touch of irritation to get the old adrenaline glands pumping.

2. New Reality Show Looks for America's Next Great Author

America’s Next Great Author is exactly what it sounds like: a reality show about writers, eventually pitting six novelists against each other as they each try to finish a book. Still in early stages, the project is now accepting applications from writers interested in appearing in the pilot episode, reports the Guardian’s David Barnett.

Hosted by Newbery Medal winner Kwame Alexander, the show will put an American Idol-esque spin on the publishing process. At first, contestants in cities across the country will compete in tryouts, where they will pitch a book in one minute. Eventually, the winners of these pitch contests will be narrowed down to six finalists, who will get to compete for the title of America’s Next Great Author....

( Read more... )

To make it more interesting they should rent out The Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, Colorado for the Winter, isolate all the writers at that hotel, and see if any of them make it out alive? Will they succumb and off each other one by one? Only time will tell.

Now that I might watch.

I'm tempted to write a murder mystery using that set up - something along the lines of The Shining meets And Then There Were None.

3. Went to dinner with Wales tonight. Now, weirdly sleepy. I might go to bed earlier tonight. It's been a week, albeit not as bad as last week. I'm not pissed off like I was last week.

I've kind of hit the comfortably numb stage again.

Wales is upset about her estrangement from her family. She's not really that estranged, she just doesn't get along with her siblings as well as she'd like. Seriously, does anyone? (Okay, I guess a few do. You can go away, we don't want to hear from you - shoo.) I've seen true estrangement - she doesn't have it. But explaining this to her - gets me nowhere. (True estrangement is when people don't talk to each other at all, and have no clue nor care what is happening in each other's lives.)
( Read more... )
Wales recommended The Other Black Girl" - and tried to give it to me. But I told her that I don't tend to read "paperback" novels any longer - because I can't see the small print. The Kindle allows me to enlarge the print - so I can read it without reading glasses. Also, I don't have the space for them. She's going to donate it to the library. Neither of us have space for books - small one bedroom apartments in NYC with not enough book shelves.
I've too many as it is - they are almost falling off my book shelves, and I have them in an old coffee table pushed against the wall, and in bags on top of it. I need more book shelves - or to take more to the basement, although there's no room down there either.

I'm almost through Neil Gaiman's The Sandman Act I - Preludes & Nocturns, and The Dollhouse - on audible. It's kind of grotesque, okay not kind of, it is grotesque. Definitely adult dark fantasy. Has some of the problems that are in all Gaiman novels - too much focus on the world building and all the subsidiary characters, not enough development of the leads. Morpheus feels a bit like a cypher, as do various protagonists, while side characters are more developed.

I actually did read these comics back in the day - I wasn't certain, because I had no memory of them. But listening to it - brings it all back.

Also trying to read another romance novel - it's a historical, takes place in 1522 Spain and Italy, entitled The Devil to Pay by Kate Bateman. ( Read more... )

Anyhow, I've been listening to the Sandman instead - it's more compelling.
I may just be bored of romance novels.

**

Wales and I are pathetic. I suggested Governor's Island, but it requires work to get to and alas planning. As in subway, and ferry. And wait time. It would be about two hours to get there, maybe three, and two-three hours back. By the time we get there- we'll both be spent by the logistics of travel. And we'd have to meet up before hand to coordinate it.

Work is exhausting. I used to be able to do this stuff when I was younger. Now, not so much. I'm always tired after work. And I crash during the weekends. My work has made it difficult to have a life outside of it.

But hey at least everyone including Wales really likes the new haircut. So do I. I may actually pay to maintain it. I liked Wales haircut and color as well.

Raises fist impotently at universe and nameless faceless things I can't do anything about.

Me: My father's voice is in my head - "Don't let the turkey's get you down."
Chidi (who is kind of metaphor blind looks at me quizzically).
Me: Turkeys are people annoying you or hurting you.
Chidi: Oh.
Me: I think its time to declare open season on the Turkeys.
Chidi laughs.

***

Me: I don't know why I've been so angry lately...
Mother: That's also part of grief.
Me: Yeah, my beautiful, kind, loving father went through the hell of Alztheimers, and there are all these nasty people who hurt me and others who are perfectly fine. It's not fair.

Alzheimers makes me angry, impotently so.

**
Speaking of nasty people..

Me vs. the idiotic OTW support at Ao3

[By the way, a huge thank you to whomever is sending hostile emails to these folks and making them miserable. They keep complaining about it on Ao3 - on the front page.]

See last post on the nasty email they sent me out of the blue.
What do I think prompted it? I posted two reviews of Twilight movies.
Although weirdly they didn't list either as the problem, but a bunch of movie reviews. Four in fact - Last Chance Harvey, Miss Potter, The Help,
and Bridesmaids.

This is their FAQ's :
( AO3's incomprehensible FAQs or rules, apparently whomever is writing this has English as a second or third language or they are a lawyer. )

( my response, rather lengthy and across five -six emails, because I kept coming up with new things after posting the last reply and they told me to reply to their email if I disagree or wanted to contest the complaint, so I took them at their word and hammered them with replies )
**
I did delete three of the five innocuous movie reviews they cited, along with a few other items (15 People you meet on the internet and in fandom, sociological analysis of television shows, an episode review of an Once episode, and a few movie reviews of two of the Twilight films (which probably resulted in the complaint)... Then gave up. (I'm not sure what they'll make of what I did - except that I got pissed off, tried to comply, gave up, and left them in the lurch. I really don't care as much about my content as they appear to.) I spent too much time uploading them, I've neither the time nor the patience to pull them. They can either let it go. Or they can be assholes and delete and permanently suspend my account.

It's ironic in a way - since non-fiction fanworks are protected by copyright law and aren't considered an infringement, fictional fanworks are not protected under copyright law and in certain areas considered infringement. They'd be better off archiving the non-fictional works.

I feel idiotic for being furious. But I am. Impotently so. Yet another group of nameless faceless people I can't do anything about.

Morale: Do not archive your written works of any kind on sites owned and run by nameless and faceless people with a bunch of hard to understand and vague FAQs. And don't do it while grieving a loved one.

And a site run by volunteers isn't necessarily a nice one.

Plus? I can't help but think it was the Universe's way of getting me to stop obsessively posting reviews, episode reviews, and episode meta to Ao3.
When I should be doing other things. Better things with my time.

Universe: Stop. Work on your book.
Me: In a minute.
Universe: Take a walk.
Me: In a minute, posting this first to Ao3
Universe: Fine, be that way.
Ao3: Take down 90% of your work and stop posting reviews.
Me:You Bleeding Fockers. Curse you! Raises fist at universe.
Universe: ...hee hee?

***

Work.

Ugh.

TGIF

Oh well, my non-management co-workers/colleagues make it worth while. Now if only we can get rid of management.

We kind of help each other. AM actually came up with a way to save us all time on the dreaded excel charts. Turns out I was right - the course she took and her presentation was on a new IT methodology. Brought back memories of when I created a royalty database in Access with IT and Accounting back in the late 1990s, early 00s.

Management tends to ignore anything that isn't on the dreaded charts. It's crazy - because that stuff ends up falling through the cracks and is important.

***

I wanted to smack the conductors on the trains this morning. ( Read more... )

***

Oh well, it wasn't that bad outside at least. And now that the storm clouds passed without doing anything - I'm not edgy, was very edgy all day today and yesterday - which only served to fuel the anger.

Now that the heavy air mass has passed, I no longer feel edgy. Either that or the beta blocker worked, or the cry with mother over the phone...was more cathartic then expected.

Have a hair cut planned on Sunday at 3pm, new stylist, new salon, about a fifteen minute walk from my house. As opposed to a subway. We'll see how it goes. If it goes poorly, in two months, I'll get it fixed.

Listening to a song that I listened to as a small child in 1974, entitled Free to be you and me by the New Seekers. It was the theme song of a record put out by Marlo Thomas and Friends in 1972, followed by an ABC Afterschool Special in 1974. What's telling about the record and the special is way back in 1974 - people were trying to get across LGBTA rights, women's rights, trans rights, gender equality and racial equality. The culture wars of today - have been going on for a very long time. Have we made progress?
I think so. But it's all relative really and depends on your perspective.

From mine we have - but that's because I remember what it was like before, and in some respects its gotten better. But again, everything is a matter of perspective.

Thinking about my father...is a matter of perspective, or so it seems. If I don't say or think certain things, it's almost as if he's still here. It all feels rather surreal. But grief always does. I'm still haunted by Maribeth Martell on the internet. I've been going through old posts to see which ones I want or are worth sharing on Ao3, and keep stumbling upon Maribeth's comments. She commented a lot on my posts, often she was the only person who did. We were very close and in my kitchen, I have a ceramic old woman vinegar holder that she made for me one Christmas or was it for a Birthday? I no longer recall.

I asked my mother for a few of my father's clothes - a sweatshirt, and maybe a windbreaker. She has a Maine Sweatshirt he wore a lot, a Penn State one that I gave him recently for Christmas one year, and a Penn State windbreaker. I want something of his. I'm not quite sure why, I just do. My brother is taking his gearjammer wind breaker. They've packed up all his clothes now...and on Saturday they will be delivering them to Good Will. My brother did most of it - for my mother. Last night when she walked into their closet and saw all his clothes gone, she asked my brother for a hug, and then called me, upset by it. It was as if it hit her all at once that he was gone.

I've been fine today. Chipper even. Didn't really cry once - until I wrote that paragraph, and my eyes got briefly wet.
( lengthy ramble about my father )
***

The work week has been insanely busy, but in some respects this is a good thing. It's kept me occupied. Also, well..

Today I had to send out emails to vendors regarding their agendas for next weeks meetings. (I had to schedule the meetings, coordinate them, get them to send me agendas, get the project team to respond, and contact anyone not responding by phone, also I get to facilitate and monitor the meetings next week. )
( sigh )

But I feel the tension of it in my back and shoulders tonight, and the restless legs and the indigestion.

Started listening to The Kaiju Preservation Society by John Scalzi, as performed by Will Wheaton. It's funny in places.
It's kind of a sci-fi satire in line with Scalzi's Red Shirts, with an absurdist sense of humor. Basically during the COVID pandemic, a laid off food start-up employee turned delivery guy - gets a job offer he can't refuse, and well...it's biological alternative earth sci-fi.

I'm enjoying it. Actually I'm enjoying it more than The Bride Test which is starting to get on my nerves. My difficulty with contemporary romance novels are the women. I don't know why women are written in this manner. Maybe the writers are like this? The female lead is whiny, and kind of dumb. She has a kid but refuses to tell anyone she has the kid. I get that she's desperate - but honey, you really should have let them know about the kid up front. She also wants a guy to save her - ladies, men don't save you. They want you to save them. They aren't life rafts.
Yes, she works hard, and yes, she's hit hard times, but she's.. ugh. Too girly.

People don't write romance novels about strong tough independent minded women who wouldn't be caught dead in heels, won't wear shoes that hurt their feet, hate makeup, and don't like jewelry. Hence I'm writing my own.
Also the women are always tiny in these books. We had a brief discussion about this at work recently...
( Read more... )
I prefer historicals, mainly because the women are stronger in them and weirdly enough, more independent minded.

Also as an aside? Scalzi doesn't physically describe any of his characters. While Huang does. Women tend to in their novels, men less so. I've stopped doing it a lot. The reader doesn't care. They'll fill in the blanks themselves. They do notice if you go overboard. Also you can frigging offend the reader if you do it. It's better to not describe anyone at all and let the reader fill in the blanks. When it comes to description - my father taught me that less is always more. He told me to cut the words that don't matter and often accused me of being too verbose. "You speak in paragraphs," he'd state or "We've talked for more than fifteen minutes now...", it got to be a joke.