I don't want sympathy..I want kindness

[shadowkat]

Been thinking about this for a while today.

I learned a few years ago that sooner or later, the Universe puts us on the opposite side of every conversation we've ever had. Several months back, someone got angry at me for giving "advice" when what they wanted was empathy and compassion. They in fact told me that they didn't want "sympathy".
But we're taught to give it. And it can be destructive.

Here's a good video explaining the difference, all the others I looked at -- made me want to smack the person doing the video.

"Brené Brown on Empathy" (Watch on YouTube)

Example:

"My sister is in the hospital, we're close but live very far apart. I'm so worried about her."


Compassion: I'm so sorry. How can I help? And please know I'm here. Let me know if there is anything you need. Hugs.

Empathy: I know what you are going through and feel for you. Went through something similar myself.

Sympathy: Well why don't you fly out to your sister, she'd want to see you. Hello.


Sympathy will either give unasked for advice, try to fix it, or cancel it out as not important. Sympathy -- is when you make it about you and are feeling "pity" for the other person, but the feeling is laced with judgement. [ETA: Sympathy is the providing of advice without first understanding someone's situation and what their needs are.]

Compassion will try to help but by asking what the other person needs. And if they need help, without giving advice. [ETA: actually, I'm wrong here -- you do provide advice, but it is with understanding of what the other person needs. Understanding is the key component.]

Empathy is when you climb down into the hole with the person, feel their pain and reach out to hug them. "Oh, I know what it is like to live so far away, it's really painful. I feel for you."[ETA: Empathy is understanding but you don't do anything or provide any advice.]


Sympathy, unfortunately, is the one most of us use on a daily basis without realizing it. It's the easiest and what we've been taught. It requires nothing from us. And at the same time makes us feel good about ourselves, often at the cost of the one in pain or without helping or comforting them at all.

I have fallen down the sympathy hole more than once, and it has distanced me from people. I've learned in the last few years, that no one wants advice, unless they directly ask for it. And no one wants pity. Or charity. What they want is kindness and comfort.

When my mother's calls me about my Dad, she wants me to listen and to comfort her. Not to provide advice, and not to question. You'd think that would be easy, right? But we want to fix things. Make it better. We don't quite know how to comfort.

I see it a lot online as well, whether it be on this platform, Twitter, or FB or something else -- where people are offering sympathy not empathy or compassion. They tell the poor person what to do without knowing the whole situation and superimposing their own experience and judgement onto them.

Comments

[cactuswatcher]

Forgive me for taking my time before replying, but I've thought about what you've said here. I might under different circumstances argue about your definitions, but I think you've covered almost everything with them and that's what's important in a situation like yours. People are different. You want empathy and so does your mother. When I was going through the loss of my parents, that was that last thing I wanted. I found it oppressive and sometimes annoying. I would have welcomed advice. We need different things to keep us going.

The thing you missed on your list, but expressed at the end was *understanding*. We need to understand the situation before jumping in with both feet. And people not understanding is what's often causing you pain.

Let me hit you with a little of what you call empathy here. ;o) I had a situation in graduate school where I had a friend who needed all of those things you listed one Friday night. I was able to offer all of them to her, but only because a mutual friend decided he was no good at some of the things and came and got me to help him with her. He wanted desperately to help her, but understood he wasn't getting through. She was waiting for us in his room. The situation was that she had gotten a phone call from her mother that her otherwise healthy father had just had a very serious health crisis. At some point in the phone conversation the mother had told the daughter she shouldn't come home over it. Our friend, the daughter, frankly was a neurotic. She interpreted her mother as saying she *didn't want* her home at a time like that. Now I was wise enough in the ways of the world at that point to know there were families that were just that messed up. But I knew the chances of that being the case with that mother and daughter were slim to none and in any case the mother might change her mind once the daughter showed up. So, I just encouraged the daughter that she was right to want to go home and should do that. It took a while but the two of us friends convinced her. Then she turned to me and asked me the saddest question I ever heard. "Should I get on the phone and ask my mother if I can come home." Fortunately in the moment I just chuckled slightly and said, "No, you get on the phone and *tell* your mother you are coming home." She went in her own room to make the call so I don't know what she actually did say. But at least I know helped her get the courage to make the call. She came back to the room, we two guys were in, gushing happily that her mother was so pleased she was coming. A lot more happen that evening, but I don't need to go into it. Suffice to say, her two friends helped her out in other ways. When she returned a few days into the next week she took me aside and thanked me, because she'd been able to talk with her father before he died.

The point is your situation is entirely different. People need to understand that. Your father's condition is chronic. There are going to be good days and bad ones. You cannot drop everything every time it's a bad one. You are doing the best you can. It's not all advice you don't need, but advice about going to SC is pointless and oppressive. It shows a lack of understanding. I know how hard it is to have to be the one your mother talks to about delicate subjects. But believe me you are doing her so much good. If the world were perfect no one would get old and sick. We just have to do what we can. I think you need to allow yourself to believe that what you are doing is exactly what you should be doing. And you could use more understanding about that from others.

Yes, thank you.

[shadowkat]

Thank you for your understanding, what you described above is exactly what I was trying to convey and just not finding the right words to convey it.

It's not advice that's the problem, it's how and to an extent why it's being given. And whether the person providing it understands the situation.

The point is your situation is entirely different. People need to understand that. Your father's condition is chronic. There are going to be good days and bad ones. You cannot drop everything every time it's a bad one. You are doing the best you can. It's not all advice you don't need, but advice about going to SC is pointless and oppressive. It shows a lack of understanding. I know how hard it is to have to be the one your mother talks to about delicate subjects. But believe me you are doing her so much good. If the world were perfect no one would get old and sick. We just have to do what we can. I think you need to allow yourself to believe that what you are doing is exactly what you should be doing. And you could use more understanding about that from others.

THIS is exactly what I needed to hear right now. You do clearly understand my situation, not many people do. Most, if not all of my co-workers' and NY based friends families live within shooting distance. Someone gets ill they go to the hospital every week. Or move in with them.

We need to understand the situation before jumping in with both feet. And people not understanding is what's often causing you pain.

I think understanding is hard. There's so many things that can get in the way of it.

I have a cousin that drives my mother crazy -- her advice has been marijuana (until she figured out that medical marijuana is illegal in South Carolina and not an option), moving to a place that she believes has better doctors (also not possible and not necessarily true), or changing diet. She doesn't really "listen" so much as try to fix. So my mother avoids calling her about these sorts of things. And they are really close.

And it's equally hard when you do provide advice from a place of understanding and it simply doesn't work, through no fault of anyone involved.

Anyhow thank you for your kind and well-written response. It helped clarify things in my own head.

[cjlasky7]

Okay.

I fell into the sympathy hole. I realize it's the last thing you wanted. I misread the situation and I screwed up.

I'm truly sorry.

[shadowkat]

Thank you. It happens to the best of us...;-)