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shadowkatActually that's my mood, quite clear in NYC today.
Worried. And everything just aches. My mind, my spirit, my head. The world feels bright and hard and uncompromising and I wonder why I'm in it, what place I have, and am I more than a well that people keep throwing pennies in? I desperately want to seal up the well. Tired of worrying about depleting my finances over and over and over again. Of worrying if I'll ever be able to thank my friends who've given me so much with more than words and hugs and electronic thank yous. I worry about being seen as a pathetic leech. And I worry that my future is a dank and dismal and lonely one.
Volunteer work was frustrating. Filing always is by the way. Paper cuts on the fingers, dust in the nose, no wonder I have a headache. Slugged back to the train after managing to transfer files between two cabinets and inserting the loose files sitting on one of the cabinets. My good deed for the week - considering not being paid for this. Wish I at least enjoyed it. I don't. But it looks good on a resume - means I'm doing something. Being a productive member of society.
Have an overwhelming desire to vent, but keep editing myself.
What gets to me right now - is I feel as if I've been split in two ...the fangeek girl and business woman/professional and somewhere along the way I lost the biz woman - the gal with the confidence, the answers, and the muse and I'm stuck with the geeky girl who escapes into science fiction and fantasy, comics, movies, gets interested in TV biz, and writes/reads fanfic and essays. I want the other one back. I want to make money again. I want to feel sucessful and financially independent. Confident. Like I matter. Take people out to dinner or at least cover my share. I want to be able to buy nice birthday gifts. And X-Mas gifts. I want to feel worthwhile. And I find it sad that so much of my self-worth seems to be based on whether I have a decent paying job.
Worried. And everything just aches. My mind, my spirit, my head. The world feels bright and hard and uncompromising and I wonder why I'm in it, what place I have, and am I more than a well that people keep throwing pennies in? I desperately want to seal up the well. Tired of worrying about depleting my finances over and over and over again. Of worrying if I'll ever be able to thank my friends who've given me so much with more than words and hugs and electronic thank yous. I worry about being seen as a pathetic leech. And I worry that my future is a dank and dismal and lonely one.
Volunteer work was frustrating. Filing always is by the way. Paper cuts on the fingers, dust in the nose, no wonder I have a headache. Slugged back to the train after managing to transfer files between two cabinets and inserting the loose files sitting on one of the cabinets. My good deed for the week - considering not being paid for this. Wish I at least enjoyed it. I don't. But it looks good on a resume - means I'm doing something. Being a productive member of society.
Have an overwhelming desire to vent, but keep editing myself.
What gets to me right now - is I feel as if I've been split in two ...the fangeek girl and business woman/professional and somewhere along the way I lost the biz woman - the gal with the confidence, the answers, and the muse and I'm stuck with the geeky girl who escapes into science fiction and fantasy, comics, movies, gets interested in TV biz, and writes/reads fanfic and essays. I want the other one back. I want to make money again. I want to feel sucessful and financially independent. Confident. Like I matter. Take people out to dinner or at least cover my share. I want to be able to buy nice birthday gifts. And X-Mas gifts. I want to feel worthwhile. And I find it sad that so much of my self-worth seems to be based on whether I have a decent paying job.
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no subject
Date: 2004-07-07 04:02 pm (UTC)Wish I had some advice, but I'm pretty much Escapist Girl myself, these days. All I can say is, keep on hanging on. And good for you for doing volunteer work, especially when it requires so much more effort on your part than they probably realize.