Stormy with periods of sunshine, somewhat fleeting

[shadowkat]

Actually that's my mood, quite clear in NYC today.



Worried. And everything just aches. My mind, my spirit, my head. The world feels bright and hard and uncompromising and I wonder why I'm in it, what place I have, and am I more than a well that people keep throwing pennies in? I desperately want to seal up the well. Tired of worrying about depleting my finances over and over and over again. Of worrying if I'll ever be able to thank my friends who've given me so much with more than words and hugs and electronic thank yous. I worry about being seen as a pathetic leech. And I worry that my future is a dank and dismal and lonely one.

Volunteer work was frustrating. Filing always is by the way. Paper cuts on the fingers, dust in the nose, no wonder I have a headache. Slugged back to the train after managing to transfer files between two cabinets and inserting the loose files sitting on one of the cabinets. My good deed for the week - considering not being paid for this. Wish I at least enjoyed it. I don't. But it looks good on a resume - means I'm doing something. Being a productive member of society.

Have an overwhelming desire to vent, but keep editing myself.
What gets to me right now - is I feel as if I've been split in two ...the fangeek girl and business woman/professional and somewhere along the way I lost the biz woman - the gal with the confidence, the answers, and the muse and I'm stuck with the geeky girl who escapes into science fiction and fantasy, comics, movies, gets interested in TV biz, and writes/reads fanfic and essays. I want the other one back. I want to make money again. I want to feel sucessful and financially independent. Confident. Like I matter. Take people out to dinner or at least cover my share. I want to be able to buy nice birthday gifts. And X-Mas gifts. I want to feel worthwhile. And I find it sad that so much of my self-worth seems to be based on whether I have a decent paying job.

Comments

[habibti.livejournal.com]

Gosh, not sure what to say. I know how hard it is to maintain your self-esteem with no job. I haven't worked since last September by choice to study in a new field. But I get those vibes from others, their comments about how I could've given it all up, how I'm being lazy and useless etc. It's hard to maitain yourself in that environment of negativity because the opinions of others are important to us. Just don't fall into the trap of believing that the job makes you feel worthwhile. You are worthwhile in whatever state you are in, whether geeky-escapist gal or biz-gal. The people who love you understand your situation and the ones that don't are best weeded out. So hang tough, be escapist when you need to be and don't give in to this situation. That will show you that you are confident and have the answers. And when you don't, that's what friends are for.