Drippy, muggy, moldy...with some blue sky
Jul. 19th, 2004 11:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadowkatThat's the weather in NYC in a nutshell. My mood tends to be on the drippy muggy side. Mother is at Kidbro's now, I hope.
Helping with the little one. While I continue to plug away on the job search.
It's not getting easier, if anything it just gets harder. And I get angrier and more frustrated and more annoyed at everything. Today - heard back from the 43rd job I'd applied to in the last two months, on July 9th, to be exact, (yes, I've started to keep track, have a little notebook now where I write down which job I applied to, the resume sent, and the date, I also save the response from the website explaining the job in an email archive - I'm anything if not organized) and surprise, surprise - they want me to come in for an interview this week. It's on Thurs. 11:30am. I can even take the train with my mother - who has to go in the same direction to see her
grandbaby.
Great news. Until I read over the details of the job again -
and I'm not a close match. Damn. Oh I have about 7 out 10 of the requirements but in today's market you need 10/10. I don't have 10/10. Finding myself beginning to worry that I don't remember all the current employee relations laws and regs (although I have quite a few of them in a notebook and have taken two courses on them, one this past March, and one in 1994). Also not sure I have extensive knowledge of the job and labor market (on the other hand I've been hunting for a job so long now - I certainly know it from the employees end).
I hate this sense of uncertainity and desperation. I wish for once I'd get called for the closer matches, but I don't. Or I'd find those matches. Well at least I know this resume is working.
No longer enjoying the fan/discussion boards the way I used to.
They no longer provide that sense of accomplishment, release, or validation they used to. Or make me feel good. Granted I probably never should have used them for this purpose. But I also miss the connection - now, they feel oddly like little click's where those who have known each other for a while get online and chat about things the rest of us aren't privey too or can't participate in. Such as writercon, or area meets, or whatnot. Then again this could be just me - I don't do well with groups. I join them, they begin to get insular and clickish, I leave them. In College I left my soriority Junior year because I couldn't handle the exclusivity and clickishness of it. It's rare for me to be in a group of friends that is more than one person. I like the one-to-one better, less politics. I have lots of friends, but they aren't friends with each other necessarily. So there's that.
The other issue is discussion boards are scarey places - you expose yourself when you post. People make assumptions about who you are and what you think based on words on a page. If you get a ton of positive responses you feel like king of the world or queen, then wonder, wait, who are these people and can I trust this? It is a bit like crack though as highs go. If you get negative ones, you regret ever posting and may never try again. If you get the in between thoughtful responses, you become energized and happy. And if no one replies, you feel like a leper that no one likes or cares for, and quilty for feeling like that. Because hey, that's so childish and immature any way. I swear our society provides hundreds of ways to hurt us and reject us on a daily basis, doesn't it? Or rather people do. Because when you get down to it? We are selfish bitcas who really only care about what affects us. It's all about me!!!
Did get up the courage to post to two of the boards recently, but my posts sort of just hung there, and after a little while I found myself wishing I could delete or remove them. The good news is no one slamned me for being a dumbass, thank you god. (Since I'd posted on philosophy, and philosophy confuses me, because it refuses to be nailed down and just shifts according to the philosopher. So if you read Satre but not Kierkregard or read Plato but not Aristotle, you views can be kind of myopic I guess? I think myopic is the correct word.) At any rate, very relieved no one came out and blasted me couldn't have handled that right now. A year ago or two? Yes. Now? No.
Which may be why it didn't happen - the people who would have
patiently told me - no, you've confused Existentialism and Objectivism or you're off here, are gone. Not that they always did it clearly. Problem with academics is they assume everyone reads "academic", that they can use aracheic long words or philosophers names with very little explaination and everyone will know exactly what they are saying. And if people don't get it? They are ignorant or stupid. This comes across as pretentious more than smart. Because knowing long words and being well-read does not make one smart. Just a good reader.
Smart is how you apply the knowledge you've been taught and interact with the universe. Someone who has never read a book, or gotten a high school degree, can be *smart*. At any rate, I miss the people who would gently nudge a couple of us who got our facts wrong or confused philosophies - "no sorry, you meant this". Or not sure you are right there - might want to double check that. Or I wasn't clear, was I? Let's try again.
And I wonder if those days are just in my imagination.
At any rate, I think I may just stop posting on fan discussion boards entirely. I'd been weaning myself off them slowly anyway, posting more and more on livejournal, where I feel safe and cosy, and in control. (Oh anyone reading this, please don't pet me or go over and find whichever board you know I posted to and do it. I'm just venting a little is all.)
Helping with the little one. While I continue to plug away on the job search.
It's not getting easier, if anything it just gets harder. And I get angrier and more frustrated and more annoyed at everything. Today - heard back from the 43rd job I'd applied to in the last two months, on July 9th, to be exact, (yes, I've started to keep track, have a little notebook now where I write down which job I applied to, the resume sent, and the date, I also save the response from the website explaining the job in an email archive - I'm anything if not organized) and surprise, surprise - they want me to come in for an interview this week. It's on Thurs. 11:30am. I can even take the train with my mother - who has to go in the same direction to see her
grandbaby.
Great news. Until I read over the details of the job again -
and I'm not a close match. Damn. Oh I have about 7 out 10 of the requirements but in today's market you need 10/10. I don't have 10/10. Finding myself beginning to worry that I don't remember all the current employee relations laws and regs (although I have quite a few of them in a notebook and have taken two courses on them, one this past March, and one in 1994). Also not sure I have extensive knowledge of the job and labor market (on the other hand I've been hunting for a job so long now - I certainly know it from the employees end).
I hate this sense of uncertainity and desperation. I wish for once I'd get called for the closer matches, but I don't. Or I'd find those matches. Well at least I know this resume is working.
No longer enjoying the fan/discussion boards the way I used to.
They no longer provide that sense of accomplishment, release, or validation they used to. Or make me feel good. Granted I probably never should have used them for this purpose. But I also miss the connection - now, they feel oddly like little click's where those who have known each other for a while get online and chat about things the rest of us aren't privey too or can't participate in. Such as writercon, or area meets, or whatnot. Then again this could be just me - I don't do well with groups. I join them, they begin to get insular and clickish, I leave them. In College I left my soriority Junior year because I couldn't handle the exclusivity and clickishness of it. It's rare for me to be in a group of friends that is more than one person. I like the one-to-one better, less politics. I have lots of friends, but they aren't friends with each other necessarily. So there's that.
The other issue is discussion boards are scarey places - you expose yourself when you post. People make assumptions about who you are and what you think based on words on a page. If you get a ton of positive responses you feel like king of the world or queen, then wonder, wait, who are these people and can I trust this? It is a bit like crack though as highs go. If you get negative ones, you regret ever posting and may never try again. If you get the in between thoughtful responses, you become energized and happy. And if no one replies, you feel like a leper that no one likes or cares for, and quilty for feeling like that. Because hey, that's so childish and immature any way. I swear our society provides hundreds of ways to hurt us and reject us on a daily basis, doesn't it? Or rather people do. Because when you get down to it? We are selfish bitcas who really only care about what affects us. It's all about me!!!
Did get up the courage to post to two of the boards recently, but my posts sort of just hung there, and after a little while I found myself wishing I could delete or remove them. The good news is no one slamned me for being a dumbass, thank you god. (Since I'd posted on philosophy, and philosophy confuses me, because it refuses to be nailed down and just shifts according to the philosopher. So if you read Satre but not Kierkregard or read Plato but not Aristotle, you views can be kind of myopic I guess? I think myopic is the correct word.) At any rate, very relieved no one came out and blasted me couldn't have handled that right now. A year ago or two? Yes. Now? No.
Which may be why it didn't happen - the people who would have
patiently told me - no, you've confused Existentialism and Objectivism or you're off here, are gone. Not that they always did it clearly. Problem with academics is they assume everyone reads "academic", that they can use aracheic long words or philosophers names with very little explaination and everyone will know exactly what they are saying. And if people don't get it? They are ignorant or stupid. This comes across as pretentious more than smart. Because knowing long words and being well-read does not make one smart. Just a good reader.
Smart is how you apply the knowledge you've been taught and interact with the universe. Someone who has never read a book, or gotten a high school degree, can be *smart*. At any rate, I miss the people who would gently nudge a couple of us who got our facts wrong or confused philosophies - "no sorry, you meant this". Or not sure you are right there - might want to double check that. Or I wasn't clear, was I? Let's try again.
And I wonder if those days are just in my imagination.
At any rate, I think I may just stop posting on fan discussion boards entirely. I'd been weaning myself off them slowly anyway, posting more and more on livejournal, where I feel safe and cosy, and in control. (Oh anyone reading this, please don't pet me or go over and find whichever board you know I posted to and do it. I'm just venting a little is all.)
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no subject
Date: 2004-07-19 02:23 pm (UTC)Having read your thoughts and comments on fandom, and fanfic in particular, has been a source of great interest and assistance to me. Frankly, I was in a weird place for a while, having invested so much of my time and focus on one piece of fanfiction, and when I saw that the narrative was taking a turn that made no sense to me, I was grappling with these odd sentiments of frustration and annoyance. The discussion about aspects of plot and characterization came at just the right time for me--I honestly thought I was obsessing over nothing, which only made me angry at myself for being so ridiculous.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-19 04:41 pm (UTC)Obviously kudos to Herself for creating something that affected me - the WIP actually inspired some new directions in my own writing - but I felt a frustrating lack of control over a piece that seemed to me to be blatantly going off the rails. That sense that it didn't have to be this way, it could be fixed, hit all of my control issues squarely.
I wish I was a sociology student because this has been a fascinating exercise in the life cycle a fandom - as though the Buffyverse was condensed into a few months. We had the initial enthusiasm and passionate interest, then certain fragmentation over ships, big divisions over character direction, backlash, loss of fans, debates over when it jumped the shark, and what seems like a burnout on the part of the creator.
When Herself is completely done, and it looks like she's doing a bit more but we're definitely in denouement territory, I think I will comment again, but fortunately for me and her I'm not feeling that same sense of propriety over something that I was simply a fan of.