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Mar. 1st, 2020 08:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadowkat1. Sort of watching Manifest - on demand. Why? Because the first two episodes got erased on the DVR, because I forgot to have it save all episodes instead of just five episodes. Why not just give up on it? Eh, I thought I'd give it a couple more episodes. I think I'm hate watching it? Except I kind of like all the characters who are NOT related to or married to or dating any of the "Stones". In short I like the other passengers on the plane. [ETA: And I got so bored, I didn't stay with it, which most likely means I'm giving up on this series and deleting it from the DVR.]
Finished watching 9-1-1 Lone Star - so all caught up. I like the main show better. Not quite sure why. The characters pop on it more, and the supporting characters are stronger than they are here. Also Lone-Star is shot weirdly, the lighting is kind of off and makes everyone look gritty and washed out.
2. Unsolicited Advice about Giving Unsolicited Advice
Apologies, but I really hate it when people give me advice. I felt inundated with it the last few weeks. And I appear to be living in a world that inundates me with unasked for advice on a daily basis.
I wonder sometimes if human beings get off on giving advice - it gives us some semblance of control or feeling of being helpful. Often contradictory advice. I did a post once discussing the possibility of adopting a cat - the people providing the advice got into a debate, somewhat heated, and unintentionally hilarious over how best to care for the cat. They were fighting over whether fresh grass needed to be provided for the cat's digestion. And where it was best to put the kitty litter, the grass, and the food. Meanwhile, over on Facebook, they were trying to guilt me into rescuing and fostering an injured feral cat. I decided it was way too stressful, not to mention complicated, to adopt a cat, and since I turned out to be allergic, not a good idea. Also probably not a good idea to ask for advice online about adopting pets.
I was looking through articles on "get pocket" and over 50% of them were unsolicited advice on everything from what foods I should eat, what job I should have, when to quit my job, how to write a novel, whether I should write one, where I should live to whether I should date or have sex. There are a lot of freelance writers out there who are frustrated psychiatrists, sex therapists, gender experts, physicians, nutritionists, and over-all bad advice givers. Honestly, they can't think of ANYTHING else to write about? I took a break from the internet to get away from it this week. I get enough advice from co-workers and family members, I don't need the internet and media's help.
Does anyone like getting advice? Or for that matter being told what to do? (The two are kind of inter- changable.) I don't like asking for advice, I despise getting it, most of the time its unasked for. 9 times out of 10 it's unhelpful, stresses me out or causes anxiety and/or panic attacks.
There are different types of advice of course. Such as my brother and I advising my parents on who to vote for in the primary. [We got them to vote for Warren, separately without discussing it with each other, which is probably why it worked. We don't agree on a lot, my brother and I, but we agreed on that. And yes, that advice was about us, not our parents. But they happened to agree with us. So win-win.]
Or recommending co-workers to watch the television show "Good Omens" because we think they might like it and it hits their interests. But that was asked for advice and it's about sharing something I enjoyed or loved with someone else.
Or someone asking me a question at work, which I happen to know the answer to.
If I don't - I send them to someone who does. Or try to.
Or someone who looks like they are sinking into a physical depression and their biochemistry may be off due to the medications they are taking -- and they want to have someone check it out. Telling them to check the meds, and the interactions..is sound advice.
My mother, being my mother, is very good at giving unasked for advice and driving me crazy. Granted sometimes I ask for it. And more often than not - her advice is well about being my mother.
Anyhow, I think this link explains it better than I did above:
Why No one Wants Unsolicited Advice (An What Actually Helps)
Have you ever asked yourself why people dump their problems on others in the first place?
What do you think they really want by doing so?
Do you think they do it because they want a solution to their problem?
Do you think they do it because they want your help?
After all, isn’t that what we tell ourselves is the truth of the matter?
But are those the real reasons?
After all, if they wanted a solution and some help, wouldn’t they ask us for our feedback, opinions, or advice somewhere in there?
But do they?
Well, guess what?
Almost every time people complain, they’re not doing it because they actually want a solution to their problems. They’re not doing it because they want our help. They’re doing it for another reason altogether.
And what do they want exactly?
Simply this:
To be understood and receive sympathy.
That’s what they really want.
And more specifically, what they want is for someone to understand how difficult what they’re going through is for them.
That’s the response they really want from us.
Not unsolicited advice.
Trust me, that’s the last thing they want.
"Why We Must Accept a Hard Truth - We Can't Control Other People's Decisions or Why Giving Unsolicited Advice is Invasive
When I ask people why they want to offer their advice, their answer is generally about wanting the person to change because they are harming themselves and others. When I ask if they have previously expressed their concern, the answer is generally that they have, numerous times. When I ask why they want to offer advice again, they say they hope this time the person will hear them and change.
These people obviously care, but they don't realize that offering unsolicited advice is rarely experienced as caring. Instead, it's often experienced as invasive because the agenda is to get the other person to change rather than trying to understand why they are making the choices they are making.
In my experience, if you've never offered this particular piece of advice before, you can try once. But if the person isn't available, then offering it again will now likely be experienced as directly ignoring their agency and attempting to control their decisions or feelings. Even if we might love the person we are trying to advise, our desire to advise without being asked is a means of stripping them of their power and pulling them further away from their deep inner self that likely already knows what the right thing to do is.
You can let this person know that you love them and that watching them harm themselves or others is heartbreaking for you, but that's all you can do. If the other person doesn't care about themselves or about you, then telling them again is likely only going to cause more resistance. I know it seems caring to let them know they are harming themselves, but they likely already know this, and you telling them isn't going to get them to change.
Finished watching 9-1-1 Lone Star - so all caught up. I like the main show better. Not quite sure why. The characters pop on it more, and the supporting characters are stronger than they are here. Also Lone-Star is shot weirdly, the lighting is kind of off and makes everyone look gritty and washed out.
2. Unsolicited Advice about Giving Unsolicited Advice
Apologies, but I really hate it when people give me advice. I felt inundated with it the last few weeks. And I appear to be living in a world that inundates me with unasked for advice on a daily basis.
I wonder sometimes if human beings get off on giving advice - it gives us some semblance of control or feeling of being helpful. Often contradictory advice. I did a post once discussing the possibility of adopting a cat - the people providing the advice got into a debate, somewhat heated, and unintentionally hilarious over how best to care for the cat. They were fighting over whether fresh grass needed to be provided for the cat's digestion. And where it was best to put the kitty litter, the grass, and the food. Meanwhile, over on Facebook, they were trying to guilt me into rescuing and fostering an injured feral cat. I decided it was way too stressful, not to mention complicated, to adopt a cat, and since I turned out to be allergic, not a good idea. Also probably not a good idea to ask for advice online about adopting pets.
I was looking through articles on "get pocket" and over 50% of them were unsolicited advice on everything from what foods I should eat, what job I should have, when to quit my job, how to write a novel, whether I should write one, where I should live to whether I should date or have sex. There are a lot of freelance writers out there who are frustrated psychiatrists, sex therapists, gender experts, physicians, nutritionists, and over-all bad advice givers. Honestly, they can't think of ANYTHING else to write about? I took a break from the internet to get away from it this week. I get enough advice from co-workers and family members, I don't need the internet and media's help.
Does anyone like getting advice? Or for that matter being told what to do? (The two are kind of inter- changable.) I don't like asking for advice, I despise getting it, most of the time its unasked for. 9 times out of 10 it's unhelpful, stresses me out or causes anxiety and/or panic attacks.
There are different types of advice of course. Such as my brother and I advising my parents on who to vote for in the primary. [We got them to vote for Warren, separately without discussing it with each other, which is probably why it worked. We don't agree on a lot, my brother and I, but we agreed on that. And yes, that advice was about us, not our parents. But they happened to agree with us. So win-win.]
Or recommending co-workers to watch the television show "Good Omens" because we think they might like it and it hits their interests. But that was asked for advice and it's about sharing something I enjoyed or loved with someone else.
Or someone asking me a question at work, which I happen to know the answer to.
If I don't - I send them to someone who does. Or try to.
Or someone who looks like they are sinking into a physical depression and their biochemistry may be off due to the medications they are taking -- and they want to have someone check it out. Telling them to check the meds, and the interactions..is sound advice.
My mother, being my mother, is very good at giving unasked for advice and driving me crazy. Granted sometimes I ask for it. And more often than not - her advice is well about being my mother.
Anyhow, I think this link explains it better than I did above:
Why No one Wants Unsolicited Advice (An What Actually Helps)
Have you ever asked yourself why people dump their problems on others in the first place?
What do you think they really want by doing so?
Do you think they do it because they want a solution to their problem?
Do you think they do it because they want your help?
After all, isn’t that what we tell ourselves is the truth of the matter?
But are those the real reasons?
After all, if they wanted a solution and some help, wouldn’t they ask us for our feedback, opinions, or advice somewhere in there?
But do they?
Well, guess what?
Almost every time people complain, they’re not doing it because they actually want a solution to their problems. They’re not doing it because they want our help. They’re doing it for another reason altogether.
And what do they want exactly?
Simply this:
To be understood and receive sympathy.
That’s what they really want.
And more specifically, what they want is for someone to understand how difficult what they’re going through is for them.
That’s the response they really want from us.
Not unsolicited advice.
Trust me, that’s the last thing they want.
"Why We Must Accept a Hard Truth - We Can't Control Other People's Decisions or Why Giving Unsolicited Advice is Invasive
When I ask people why they want to offer their advice, their answer is generally about wanting the person to change because they are harming themselves and others. When I ask if they have previously expressed their concern, the answer is generally that they have, numerous times. When I ask why they want to offer advice again, they say they hope this time the person will hear them and change.
These people obviously care, but they don't realize that offering unsolicited advice is rarely experienced as caring. Instead, it's often experienced as invasive because the agenda is to get the other person to change rather than trying to understand why they are making the choices they are making.
In my experience, if you've never offered this particular piece of advice before, you can try once. But if the person isn't available, then offering it again will now likely be experienced as directly ignoring their agency and attempting to control their decisions or feelings. Even if we might love the person we are trying to advise, our desire to advise without being asked is a means of stripping them of their power and pulling them further away from their deep inner self that likely already knows what the right thing to do is.
You can let this person know that you love them and that watching them harm themselves or others is heartbreaking for you, but that's all you can do. If the other person doesn't care about themselves or about you, then telling them again is likely only going to cause more resistance. I know it seems caring to let them know they are harming themselves, but they likely already know this, and you telling them isn't going to get them to change.