Day #78 of Self-Isolation in Epidemic Central

[shadowkat]

I'm beginning to think that I'll look back on 2020 as the year I walked aimlessly and meditatively through a cemetery. It does help one gain perspective...also seems a fitting metaphor for dealing with death. And that is what is happening - the world as I know it is dying, and shifting, and being reborn. But it's hard to be hopeful right now. The picture above kind of illustrates how I'm feeling at the moment. Why use words when a picture can say it all?

Crazy Workplace

I called Chidi today. Chidi is from Alabama, he's about twenty-eight, and looks like the kid of Omar Epps and William Jackson Harper. Asked how he was doing. About the same as I'm doing - it turns out. Neither of us have braved the wilds. He was going to protest last night - but ran into family issues. Basically his mother - from Alabama made him promise her that he wouldn't do it. It's kind of dangerous to protest. Although, I told him that if he wanted to do it - last night was the night for it. It was relatively peaceful last night - nothing happened. I think the worst - was the police blocked off a bunch of protestors on the Williamsburg Bridge, their legislative representative rushed out to see what was happening and discovered that the Brooklyn end of the bridge was open. (I found this out on Twitter - then jumped off Twitter - too many insane conservatives that I felt an overwhelming desire to throttle.)

During the Staff Meeting, Boss decided to bring just a tad of levity to the proceedings...

Boss: If I sound tired and weary today, you have to bear with me, since I was up late last night bailing (me) and Chidi out of Rikers Island.
(Laughter ensues)
Me: Us social justice activists.
Chidi: Wait - why us? Is it because we live in Brooklyn.
More muted giggling.
Boss: Just thought I'd bring a bit of levity into these troubled times.

Boss is African-American, by the way. Actually in the staff meeting, in a group of about thirteen people, six are white. And two of the people who are white are administrative support staff. When I first joined crazy company, there were only three people who were POC, every one else was white, and one of the POC was administrative support. That's progress. I don't know about anyone else - but that gives me hope. Also boss is now the Chief of our department, previously he was reporting to three white people who were above them - all three have either long-since retired or left.

Yes, I notice these things - because they make me happy. It's like seeing a dim light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

It's stormy. Storms rolling in from the Midwest. The sky is constantly shifting. We had a rainstorm at 1 PM, then pristine blue sky, barely a cloud up until roughly 7pm, when the storm clouds rolled back in. The stormy unsettled weather makes me itchy, like I want to jump out of my skin.

Also, work, as I informed my mother in our daily phone chats - which keep us both sane, I think, or at the very least from worrying about each other - is exhausting. I'm tired by 3pm and can barely focus. My mind constantly drifting outside the window. Today there were workmen pulling boards up through a window in the building beside me. I honestly don't know why they couldn't take them up through the building. You'd think it would be harder to bring them through the basement, into the backyard and pull them up with pulleys. As I told my mother - I kind of miss work - because I could be oblivious to the construction going on around me at home. During the lockdown - it didn't matter - there was no construction permitted. But soon, there will be. And I'm not sure when I'll make it back into the office.

The MTA has a problem. MTA calls for NYC assistance as re-opening begins - They basically need enough masks and hand sanitizers to distribute to everyone. And a police presence to safely encourage social distancing without arrests. (Personally, I agree with Rosie Perez - they need to start cracking down on the idiotic white hipsters.)

And the LIRR? They are trying to figure out if they should do reserved seating, if you can't get a reserved seat - no admittance - which is kind of difficult with a commuter rail service. I go off-peak, and while I do get a seat to myself, it can get crowded. On-peak, people are packed in the trains like sardines. I don't see how this is going to work.

So, no, we're not going back any time soon - and if we do, it will be in shifts and around rush hour traffic. Which is fine, except - I liked my work set-up. I had two monitors, a hard drive, a comfortable leather chair, a stand-up desk, a nice coffee mug, and all my files within easy access.
Granted, here, I have my window, I can play online without issue, I've the tv to watch the news at lunch time, I can make lunch - not bring it in, and I get an hour each morning to meditate and make breakfast. AND I get forty-five more minutes of sleep.

I don't know. I've mixed feelings about it. If I could transfer my file cabinets, computer set up and stuff to my home, life would be good. Small worries, in difficult times, I know. I don't really miss my co-workers all that much. Also my anxiety levels have gone way down. So no, I'm in no hurry to go back to the office thank you very much.

Mother: Are you exhausted because of the tedium of the tasks or something else? Such as writing up mods, analyzing numbers, issuing them, asking people for stuff, waiting on it..
ME: Pretty much the tedium...and yeah that.
Mother: At least you are a really good writer and like doing it.
ME: True. But...there are days...

Walks help.




New York vs. well everything?

I'm beginning to feel sorry for the Governor. He looks tired and battle-worn, but then aren't we all? He just finished fighting the fight of his life against COVID-19 and managed to get everyone or most everyone to wear a frigging mask. And now, he has to deal with civil unrest and rage at the police. Which to be fair to the Governor isn't really his fault.

Also the reporters are stupid. I've been listening to and watching these live press briefings, and am amazed at how truly stupid journalist are.

Reporter: So if you are against the President bringing in the US Military and Militarized force, why did you suggest the National Guard?
Me: Because they aren't the same thing, you nitwit. (They aren't. It's not hard to find this out for yourself.)
Governor (trying hard not to roll his eyes) states far more diplomatically than I would at this stage: They aren't the same thing. The National Guard is a labor force, it's not military. It's not a police force. It can aid the police, but we don't bring it in until necessary.
Reporter: Then why not the military?
Governor: Can we put that quote from the US Secretary of Defense again - please? The US Secretary of Defense stated that we don't need the military - if we do that we become a militarized state - which is NOT what we want.

The poor guy has worked really hard to avoid doing to NY what happened in Europe and China, which is call in the military. And that's what I was worried about in February - when I realized New York may go the route Italy did. The Governor is going out of his way to avoid that. He's also asked repeatedly for funding to rebuild and protect his people. Does our Stupid Federal Government do that? No.

Our stupid President wants to turn the US into a police state or a militarized zone - because he wants to be a dictator with Military Parades and wave at the peasants from his thrown - and Fox News wants that too. I can't even. I just can't. Words fail. (Well, actually they don't fail but they are kind of rude and not for polite company - so I am censoring myself. You are welcome.) Mother wanted to talk about him, but I go into rant mode and start foaming at the mouth like a rabid beast. (I'm not always good at censoring myself with Mother, much to our mutual chagrin, but then Mother has no filter ...so there's that.) Mother also felt the need to talk to me about the fascist propaganda network otherwise known as Fox News - which I just can't. (More censoring. And yes, you are welcome.)

Frigging hell, whoever thought a simple New Year's Resolution - To Be Kind, would be so hard to keep? I keep wanting to throttle people. It's exhausting. Not the throttling, the repressing the need to do so.

I'm depressed. This feels futile. Like we're trying to defeat an insurmountable foe that refuses to listen to anything but the sound of its own voice. And no matter what I do, I feel like I'm just continuing to bash my fists against that same stone wall.

So...



I Walk Through a Cemetery

I decided to forgo the bible study tonight. Didn't really feel like looking at my fat ugly mug on Zoom or anyone else's. Or trying to discuss the bible.

I needed trees, graves, and quiet. Some people carry phones and listen to music wandering about the Cemetery, I prefer to listen to the sounds around me. The twittering of birds. (There are parakeets in the cemetery by the way - it's the only place I've seen them. Don't blame them. If I were a parakeet, I'd go there too.) The breeze whispering through the trees. Sometimes loud, sometimes soft. Right now in my apartment, I'm listening to the grumbling of the sky and the pattering of rain - the storm has arrived apparently.

The Cemetery was peaceful. My mind began to clear. I saw very few people.
Mostly I was alone. Just me, the graves, the trees, and the birds, and a couple of flowering brush.

Surrounded by death - it helped to block out the noise. And there's a lot of noise at the moment. A lot of shouting. Screaming really. So loud, it's hard to think. Or see clearly. I'm constantly being told what to do - but I don't see a lot of "Doing" so much as telling. It's like being in that area of a book where you want to shout at the damn writer to stop telling and start showing?

I'm considering donating to Jaime Harris' campaign against Lindsey Graham, an old racist fart who needs to go. My mother already has - she's in South Carolina, Graham is her representative and he's failing her. Or Amy McGrath's in Kentucky. Also boycotting all the advertisers of Fox News.
And any firm that donated to a Republican Campaign. I don't know if it will work though.

I'm tired. I hurt. Today, I could barely breath through the mask. It was hot, and humid outside, and the mask clung to my lips and nostrils. When I hit the Cemetery and no people in sight, I pushed it down and took in the nice crisp clean air - that smelled of freshly cut grass. Everything smells of freshly cut grass at the moment - I think too many people are mowing their yards. I may have to switch masks to the buffer one, it's thinner and easier to breath through. This one - made me feel like I was inhaling cloth.

Also, I'm beginning to wonder why I'm bothering? While most folks do wear them, there are those who can't be bothered. Not many but they are there.
I want this to be over. I want to go back to my life, such as it was, and I want to fix my life - do things differently, although I know I won't. So many of our choices are predetermined by things that are simply outside of our control - or so I think, as I ponder which path to take in a winding cemetery of graves and trees and freshly mowed grass.

Comments

[kerk_hiraeth]

Sent this to a couple of people; including Amber Ruffin, via Seth Meyers, and thought I'd send it your way too.

This short video of Canadian PM Justin Trudeau says more about 'having' to deal on a daily basis with him than all the other articles and comment pieces Put. Together. And the way he turns it into an opportunity to take a look at his own countries troubled racial history is something that should be taught and examined in schools.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-us-canada-52900486/george-floyd-protests-trudeau-s-epic-pause-when-asked-about-trump-s-response

kerk

[elisi]

Catching up with my flist (so behind!) and just had to stop and tell you how gorgeous your photos are. Especially the last one. ♥

[shadowkat]

Thank you.