Day #128 - Stormy

[shadowkat]

So, no restorative walk around Greenwood Cemetery today. It's thundering and lightening right now, with some flashes a wee bit too close for comfort.

Shame, I kind of needed it.

They were banging next door for a good portion of the morning and afternoon - busy tearing up the neighbor's kitchen wall in order to rewire the electricity. I put on my BOSE noise cancelling head phones and blared music all day long - not great for my headache, but what could I do? Been struggling with a sinus/tension headache for the last two days, and most of today - not helped by the banging next door. It's finally begun to alleviate now that its storming.

The photo was taken from my walk to the pharmacy and back - where I picked up cleaning supplies, toilet paper, chocolate, water bottles, and more sinus headache meds. [Pharmacy is easier than before - no line now, but still problematic in some respects.] Oh, also picked up ifly smart kit - it's a flying kit for COVID-19.

The Healthy Kit includes: Antiseptic wipes (8 counts), Hydrating facial wipes (5 counts), Face mask, Headrest cover, Lip balm (0.15 oz), Sleep mask and Earplugs

New York vs. the Terrorist in the White House (who won't die of COVID dammit)

So, as you may or may not have heard by now - the idiot in the White House has decided to send Federal Troops into various US cities, because that worked so well in Portland. (Not). The US cities are not happy about this turn of events and pushing back. And meanwhile, the poor traumatized New Yorkers began to panic.

New York Reporters: What are you doing about the President's threat to invade US cities?
Mayor: We won't let him. We told him no.
New York Reporters: Portland did the same thing.
Mayor: We'll sue him if he tries it and take through the courts!

A few hours after that, Governor Cuomo calls into NY1.

NY1: So Trump threatened to send Federal Troops into NYC...what is your response?
NY Governor: I just got off the phone with him - and asked him not to, and explained why in detail and why we didn't need them. He listened and agreed, and there will be no troops sent to NYC.
NY1: The Mayor said in his live briefing that if he did it, the City of NY would sue the Trump administration. Would you back the City?
NY Governor: Well, if he did it then the state would have to get involved. And while a possible route, legal action is not the fastest or the most effective. We're already suing the Federal Government on a host of other issues...and it is slow. There's much faster and more effective measures which we'd follow.

I told this to mother, who said that the 45 can be reasonable if you speak to him person to person, and don't confront him. He doesn't handle confrontations well. (That and the Governor of NY has known him a VERY long time.)

Personally I think our Mayor and Governor are playing good cop/bad cop with everyone. The Mayor pisses people off, the Governor comes in and smooths their feathers, and vice versa.

Doesn't look like Chicago is going to be quite so lucky. Mother's worried about Chicago - the idiot in the White House has decided to send troops into Chicago and Alberqueue, New Mexico. Both cities are spiking with the virus along with Portland. Also several people were shot at a funeral home. But here's the thing - where were they with the shooting of the Federal Judge's son?

Crazy Workplace

According to the News, Crazy Workplace had appealed to the Federal Government directly for funds. It's facing a tsunami of deficits, a deficit that will take it clear into 2024. (Considering it was in a deficit before COVID, this is hardly surprising. Mergers are expensive. You have to hire all these expensive organizational consultants to tell you how to do it.)

I fretted again. Mainly because I keep seeing this thing come up on my computer informing me that its gathering information from my remote computer. I don't know what that means. My mother talked me off the cliff again. Reminding me of all of the things I've told her.

I've decided to put my faith in my boss and my Governor, who have proven to me that they genuinely care about their people and will do whatever is within their power to protect them.

It's just really hard to have faith sometimes, because "faith and doubt" are roommates and...I'm just struggling to hold onto my faith this year. I believe in a higher power, and it is difficult at times to have faith in it and in humanity, particularly this year.

March 10

Boss: How was your birthday? Did you do anything special?
ME: I got a massage and spent the day in a park. Next year I hope to go to Peru, assuming of course that I survive 2020.
Boss: Assuming we all survive 2020.



Family

I found myself almost in tears today, talking to my mother. But I resisted.

Me: How are you and Dad?
Mother: We're okay...we're, you probably don't want to know.
Me: Probably not. (We'd already agreed that we were both irritable.) I wish my brother and I could help you more, but we can't. Although he's more in a position to than I am.
Mother: Do you really want to wipe your father's bottom?
Me: No. I think that would be humiliating for us both. There's a reason I didn't go into medical school or nursing or have children. I'm too much like my father in this way.
Mother: It's well...embarrassing for us both. Like putting on diapers..
Me: I'm so sorry mom.
Mother: And it's not going to get better..
Me: No. It'll get worse before it gets better, I know that.
Mother: Today, the poor dear was so proud of himself for having managed to actually wipe his rear end, but he dropped the toilet tissue on the floor and stepped on it, tracking it across the rug.

[Personally I think my parents should have gone with hard wood floors, so much easier to clean, just saying.]

Me: I got depressed today too. I realize how alone I am.
Mother: Isn't that a daily thing for you?
ME: No, I tend to ignore it. But it occurs to me that within the next two years I'm probably going to lose you both.
Mother: Your father, maybe. But I don't plan on going anywhere.
Me: There's COVID...we don't know..
Mother: True...but that's true of everyone.

I'm trying to lose weight and fear I'm failing at it. I'm giving into my chocolate addiction and my alcohol...although not that much on that end. I'm not a heavy drinker by any stretch of the imagination. And have been using Winged Organics CBD to relieve mood, stress and anxiety for the most part. Alcohol tends to make me maudlin - I'm drinking a Mai Tai Cocktail in a can right now - actually in glass, it just came in can and I poured it into a glass. It's wicked strong. Makes my toes and fingers and teeth numb, also I'm crying because maudlin. I'm not a mean drunk, I'm a weepy and laughing drunk. And I never really get drunk. Just numb and stop. I don't want to feel pain - I use alcohol as an anesthetic. When I drink - I feel nothing. Mindfulness meditation kind of works in a similar way - so I've been using that. Actually it's better - the meditation - no nasty side-effects, and better coping mechanism. I only do it for three - ten minutes sometimes fifteen or twenty. I can't go longer than that - I get antsy.

It's really hard to get exercise during a pandemic, not that it was exceedingly easy before then. I like to walk, but there's a limited number of areas in which I can freely do it - and without a mask. Greenwood Cemetery is among the few. I may try Prospect Again in September and October.

Meanwhile on FB, they are fighting over the proper way to remove and put on a mask, and when you aren't needing the mask you should take it off entirely and not wear it on your chin.

ME: This doesn't work very well. Where would you put it? Hold it dangling from your hand - hello germs? Cram it into your purse?
Nancy K: I put it in a bag in may car.
Me: This is hardly the same thing. Also cars are dirty.
Nancy K: Not in a plastic bag.
ME: Okay, I'm walking around Greenwood Cemetery, there's no people around, are you seriously suggesting that I should pull the mask off, put it in a plastic bag and when a person pops up, dig in and pull it out? Or carry it dangling from my hand like the others are? I think my chin is going to have less germs than it will dangling from my hand.

I hate people. I hate the internet. I hate the information age. I miss the 1980s when I didn't have to worry about any of this crap and could just worry about the Russians starting World War III with Nuclear War. Good times.

New York vs. the Corona Virus

New York is making headway against the Coronavirus. I'm choosing to trust and have faith in my Governor, whom I voted for. I voted for both the Governor and the Mayor. In both cases - it was the lesser of two evils, I despised who was running against them. Truly and deeply despised their opponents. Actually that was the case in the Presidential election, the Governor Race, and the Mayoral Race. Of the three, The Governor has surprised me - I've decided that I was right to vote for him in the last election. He's saving my life. Whether he manages to save my job or not is well up for debate. But he has saved my life - so I give him credit for that. Along with my brother, niece, friends, co-workers, and sisinlaws, and church members lives.

That's no small thing. He got blind-sighted, screwed up, then stepped up and made it work.


Here's what he said in his email:

The State launched a new diagnostic testing site today in Ramapo, a Rockland County community heavily impacted by COVID-19. The clinic will be operated in partnership with Good Samaritan Hospital at the Town of Ramapo Cultural Arts Center at 64 North Main Street in Spring Valley. The clinic will run from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Friday. Call the NYS Coronavirus Hotline at 1-888-364-3065 to schedule an appointment.

2. The number of total hospitalizations continues to remain low. Yesterday there were 714 total hospitalizations. The State conducted 67,659 tests, of which 709, or 1.04%, were positive. Sadly, we lost another 9 New Yorkers to the virus.

3. Maryland Governor Larry Hogan and I are calling on the federal government to pass the $500 billion state stabilization fund in the next COVID-19 relief package. As states reopen, we cannot risk our economic recovery efforts by slashing state programs that pay our teachers, firefighters, healthcare and frontline workers. We need the U.S. Senate's strong support now, so we can fight the virus together and make an economic recovery a reality.


I'm praying that they pass the $500 billion state stabilization fund - because that could help secure my job. It also aids the state and secures a million other jobs. It's the best thing the Federal Government can do right now. I'm furious at the Federal Government for wasting my hard-earned tax payer dollars on killers - the Federal Troops, Departments of Defense, and Weapons Manufacturers. I don't want my money being spent on people who kill others in the name of defense. They aren't defending me against anything I consider threatening. I hate them right now. I have zero respect for Lockheed Martin, Northrup Grummond, and their ilk. I see them as vampires who need to be staked in the heart. Who are we fighting, except ourselves?

But alas, ranting gets us nowhere. I've friends in those industries and agencies. It's not their fault. Life is complicated. And people are frustratingly more than one thing.






Can you see the hidden angel in the picture above? I bet you can't!
[Sometimes it's really hard to see angels, even when they are right in front of you.]

Long day. Struggling to hang in there. This crisis has made me aware in various ways of the inequalities between people. I think it's because I'm stuck in a one-bedroom apartment, no car, in a residential area of Brooklyn, in a diverse neighborhood. Unable and afraid to go anywhere and trying desperately not to resent those that do. Dark thoughts that plague me.

No friends close by or anywhere near me. Only strangers or far-flung acquaintances. No family nearby. Everyone is far away. The closest is Wales who is a twenty minute subway ride away from me. I'm alone.

Everyone close to me - I talk to or text by phone, email, or some other brand of social media. Possibly Zoom.

If I were to get sick - I'd have to rely on myself - no one, absolutely no one would be able to help me or advocate for me. It's why I'm scared of the virus. Or one of the reasons.

And our society is cruel to those who are single and live alone. It judges them. And blames them. But in reality it is society's fault. The fault of a society that places very little value in life. Our society whether we wish to admit it or not is a hollow one, that is narcissitic and only cares about its own interest. My family. My tribe.

But there's hope in the fringes...my neighborhood has formed an alliance and community of sorts via socail media and has a fund that helps others. And my church has created a community of sorts - helping those in need. Truth of it is...we aren't really alone. There are invisible angels around us. Housed in human form. Who leap forward when called. Paying it forward.
I've seen it with my own eyes. When I got injured in 2009, the angels stepped forward and helped, co-workers I barely knew, came to my aid. And I've had relative strangers do it. New York despite the press - is a loving and caring city filled to the brim of lonely souls like myself who just want to help wherever they can.

See? I get maudlin when I'm slightly drunk, it's why I don't do it all that much.

I leave you with the flowers I passed today...on my way home from the pharmacy...

Comments

[trepkos]

Sending feds in without the local government's permission is messed up. Your Mayor is amazing. I see the angel. Sorry about your mom and dad. Everyone says "Don't get old!" If only.

[shadowkat]

Actually, it's the Governor that's amazing. The mayor isn't doing all that much. LOL!

[wendelah1]

I see the angel.

((hugs)) You're struggling right now. This is such a hard time.

[shadowkat]

And it's not getting any better...just worse. Sigh. Thanks though.