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shadowkatDue to the heat wave, I took a walk to the health food store and farmers market at 9 AM. Both turned out to be open by the time I got there. In fact there was a long line in front of one of the vegetable stands, six feet apart, I meandered around it and picked up fresh blackberries from a stand that had only two people other than the operators at it. They have changed the market - so there is social distancing, you can't touch the produce, it's roped off and people serve you. Most people were wearing masks. There's always a couple of people who don't care. But for the most part everyone wore a mask and at that time - it was uncrowded.
It was in the upper 70s, but muggy, so felt more like the upper eighties. Middle aged bodies do not like muggy weather. Or hot weather. Particularly middle aged female bodies going through menopause.
Oh, well, word has it that the heat wave will break again on Wed, when we get thunderstorms, only to rise again towards the end of the week.
On the way back from the farmer's market, I was able to pass some lovely gardens and one of my favorite houses in the area:
To help with the heat, New York City is opening the pools - with limited capacity. Mother told me there was a problem with the National Parks - people were trashing them. There were a lot of folks camping, who had never done it before - and were leaving behind their litter, and also peeing and pooping wherever they wanted. While the parks had gotten an influx of money to help keep them clean - it wasn't nearly enough.
The funky thing about NYC is we have no architectural zoning laws. You can pretty much build whatever you want. The Pakistani and Bengali, for reasons that escape me, love marble and what appears to be steel gates and fences around there buildings, with a scant amount of green space. It's very odd, and a cultural thing that they've brought with them that I can't make sense of - no matter how hard I try. They must think it's decorative? I find it kind of...ostentatious? Oh well, to each their own, I guess. It's nice to have a diversity of building styles, it's what makes NYC interesting.
I called mother after my walk.
Mother: How are you? Are you any better?
Me: Still struggling with the panic attacks. Honestly, I had it under control -
Mother: You thought you were safe and now you've had the rug pulled out from under you again.
Me: Yeah. I'm meditating and trying not to care. Didn't sleep that well. And kind of slept through my Church's Zoom service. (It was a lay person's service - they do those during the summer while the ministerial staff is on vacation. This one was on Immigrant Solidarity. It had some pretty songs.)
Mother: Oh we watched the Basilica's service via live streaming in Rome.It was lovely. So you are hanging in there.
Me: Decided not to care any more about the dumb virus.
Mother: Except you obviously do or you wouldn't be wearing a mask. You are still wearing one, right? Because I'd be upset if you weren't doing that.
Me: Yes, yes. I have an insane amount of self-preservation, apparently. Even though my company and union keep trying to kill me. Seriously they've been trying to kill me since I joined. Safety first, my ass. Even the Safety department agrees with me that they don't value Safety as much as they think they do - it's underfunded.
Mother: And you know I'd be upset if you didn't wear the mask.
Some people don't talk about their anxieties. As I told mother - there's this whole philosophy a lot of folks have that if they only post and think positive thoughts, nothing negative will happen. Not true. Virus doesn't care. Nor does Cancer. Or anything else really. Granted there's some truth to the concept that energy attracts energy. But...go too far in anyone direction...and well, energy also likes balance. I need to vent. I'm like my mother.
Mother: Unlike you and I, who need to talk it to death until people are sick and tired of us talking about it.
Me: I need to get it out of me. If I can talk about it - I can see it. Therapists tend to work best for people who let it fester and don't talk about it at all. I don't have that problem.
Speaking of balance...I finished watching Avatar: The Last Airbender.
Legend of Korra doesn't start on Netflix until August 14, which is fine, got other things to watch before then. I'm somewhat annoyed, too many things are starting in August - and I'm kind of dreading August. Actually I'm dreading July 31 - when the guys come to work on my kitchen.
I live in a one-bedroom apartment. The kitchen and foyer/entrance to the apartment is where they will be working. I will be cut off from the kitchen, entrance to the apartment, and supply closet with all the cleaning, medications, toilet paper, and masks during this.
Me: In short, I'll be trapped in my living room, bathroom and bedroom.
Mother: Aren't you already?
Me: Not really - I do leave the apartment occasionally.
Could they wait until August to do this? No. I'm tempted to ask them to reschedule - but to be honest? I just want to get it over with. I've been dreading it since March 17. They are allegedly putting up plastic between us.
And I'm dreading going back to the office, which insane workplace and crazy ass union is insisting on calling "return to work" - guessing "return to the office" wasn't catchy enough? Why? Oh. So many reasons. My anxiety tapered off once we were sent home to tele-work. Now? It's sky-rocketing. I finally got movement in my arms and shoulders again. Dammit. (I don't drive to work nor do I walk or ride a bike, I take public transportation. And there is waiting in stations. And walking on crowded streets. And traveling with people who get on and off airlines. And ...my office is a shared space with cubicles, a shared kitchen, shared printers and copy machines, shared water cooler, narrow hallways, shared cabinets, shared elevators, shared punch-in biometric clocks, shared meeting rooms, shared stairwells, bathrooms with no lids on the toilets.
What makes no sense to me at all - is why they don't just sign an agreement with all the unions that simply states that for those who can work from home or telework - they should continue to do so. This makes the trains less crowded, and promotes social distancing. It's more expensive to bring everyone back.
But alas, Crazy Company is called "Crazy" for a reason. I just wish they'd stop trying to kill me. I like my job. I just dislike the people running the organization.
Anyhow, that's why I'm struggling with panic attacks.
I keep wondering if I don't think about it - if it will magically go away. But since other people are involved, that's unlikely. Oh well - I may lose weight this week - my appetite has been impacted by the rise in anxiety. I really don't feel like eating. What I have been doing is a lot of meditating, taking CBD, and watching television and taking long walks (or as long as is physically possible in the sweltering heat.)
I leave you with flowers that I took pictures of during my walk this morning...
It was in the upper 70s, but muggy, so felt more like the upper eighties. Middle aged bodies do not like muggy weather. Or hot weather. Particularly middle aged female bodies going through menopause.
Oh, well, word has it that the heat wave will break again on Wed, when we get thunderstorms, only to rise again towards the end of the week.
On the way back from the farmer's market, I was able to pass some lovely gardens and one of my favorite houses in the area:
To help with the heat, New York City is opening the pools - with limited capacity. Mother told me there was a problem with the National Parks - people were trashing them. There were a lot of folks camping, who had never done it before - and were leaving behind their litter, and also peeing and pooping wherever they wanted. While the parks had gotten an influx of money to help keep them clean - it wasn't nearly enough.
The funky thing about NYC is we have no architectural zoning laws. You can pretty much build whatever you want. The Pakistani and Bengali, for reasons that escape me, love marble and what appears to be steel gates and fences around there buildings, with a scant amount of green space. It's very odd, and a cultural thing that they've brought with them that I can't make sense of - no matter how hard I try. They must think it's decorative? I find it kind of...ostentatious? Oh well, to each their own, I guess. It's nice to have a diversity of building styles, it's what makes NYC interesting.
I called mother after my walk.
Mother: How are you? Are you any better?
Me: Still struggling with the panic attacks. Honestly, I had it under control -
Mother: You thought you were safe and now you've had the rug pulled out from under you again.
Me: Yeah. I'm meditating and trying not to care. Didn't sleep that well. And kind of slept through my Church's Zoom service. (It was a lay person's service - they do those during the summer while the ministerial staff is on vacation. This one was on Immigrant Solidarity. It had some pretty songs.)
Mother: Oh we watched the Basilica's service via live streaming in Rome.It was lovely. So you are hanging in there.
Me: Decided not to care any more about the dumb virus.
Mother: Except you obviously do or you wouldn't be wearing a mask. You are still wearing one, right? Because I'd be upset if you weren't doing that.
Me: Yes, yes. I have an insane amount of self-preservation, apparently. Even though my company and union keep trying to kill me. Seriously they've been trying to kill me since I joined. Safety first, my ass. Even the Safety department agrees with me that they don't value Safety as much as they think they do - it's underfunded.
Mother: And you know I'd be upset if you didn't wear the mask.
Some people don't talk about their anxieties. As I told mother - there's this whole philosophy a lot of folks have that if they only post and think positive thoughts, nothing negative will happen. Not true. Virus doesn't care. Nor does Cancer. Or anything else really. Granted there's some truth to the concept that energy attracts energy. But...go too far in anyone direction...and well, energy also likes balance. I need to vent. I'm like my mother.
Mother: Unlike you and I, who need to talk it to death until people are sick and tired of us talking about it.
Me: I need to get it out of me. If I can talk about it - I can see it. Therapists tend to work best for people who let it fester and don't talk about it at all. I don't have that problem.
Speaking of balance...I finished watching Avatar: The Last Airbender.
Legend of Korra doesn't start on Netflix until August 14, which is fine, got other things to watch before then. I'm somewhat annoyed, too many things are starting in August - and I'm kind of dreading August. Actually I'm dreading July 31 - when the guys come to work on my kitchen.
I live in a one-bedroom apartment. The kitchen and foyer/entrance to the apartment is where they will be working. I will be cut off from the kitchen, entrance to the apartment, and supply closet with all the cleaning, medications, toilet paper, and masks during this.
Me: In short, I'll be trapped in my living room, bathroom and bedroom.
Mother: Aren't you already?
Me: Not really - I do leave the apartment occasionally.
Could they wait until August to do this? No. I'm tempted to ask them to reschedule - but to be honest? I just want to get it over with. I've been dreading it since March 17. They are allegedly putting up plastic between us.
And I'm dreading going back to the office, which insane workplace and crazy ass union is insisting on calling "return to work" - guessing "return to the office" wasn't catchy enough? Why? Oh. So many reasons. My anxiety tapered off once we were sent home to tele-work. Now? It's sky-rocketing. I finally got movement in my arms and shoulders again. Dammit. (I don't drive to work nor do I walk or ride a bike, I take public transportation. And there is waiting in stations. And walking on crowded streets. And traveling with people who get on and off airlines. And ...my office is a shared space with cubicles, a shared kitchen, shared printers and copy machines, shared water cooler, narrow hallways, shared cabinets, shared elevators, shared punch-in biometric clocks, shared meeting rooms, shared stairwells, bathrooms with no lids on the toilets.
What makes no sense to me at all - is why they don't just sign an agreement with all the unions that simply states that for those who can work from home or telework - they should continue to do so. This makes the trains less crowded, and promotes social distancing. It's more expensive to bring everyone back.
But alas, Crazy Company is called "Crazy" for a reason. I just wish they'd stop trying to kill me. I like my job. I just dislike the people running the organization.
Anyhow, that's why I'm struggling with panic attacks.
I keep wondering if I don't think about it - if it will magically go away. But since other people are involved, that's unlikely. Oh well - I may lose weight this week - my appetite has been impacted by the rise in anxiety. I really don't feel like eating. What I have been doing is a lot of meditating, taking CBD, and watching television and taking long walks (or as long as is physically possible in the sweltering heat.)
I leave you with flowers that I took pictures of during my walk this morning...
no subject
Date: 2020-07-27 12:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-07-27 01:44 am (UTC)