Internal Monologues

[shadowkat]

While traveling home this evening, it occurred to me that one of the pluses of the new job, is I no longer feel this overwhelming desire to distract myself by posting every random thought or reaction that pops into my head. That's right, you, dear readers, are no longer privy to the internal monologues and rants that pop into my head. Trust me, count yourself lucky. (I can't help but wonder how many folks I scared off in the early days, when they discovered that nope, she's not just writing essays on tv and movies. These are rambling monologues about whatever pops into her head at any given moment.)

Sticking with the theme of rambling...work is going quite nicely. After four or is it five years of hellish looking, I find a job that I actually sort of like. It utilizes my brain, is friendly, and keeps me busy. Also nice location.
No I haven't made any best buds there yet. But have only been there two months.
Stuff like that takes time. And the utilizing the brain part is good - mostly.
Down side is I don't appear to have much energy when I get home - to read, analyze or write. Probably will change as time goes on and things become less hectic. That said, did read a good portion of my flist last night - and found myself commiserating with oyceter post about juggling work, livejournal, tv, books, and life. Have no idea how she finds the time to write posts or respond to others? I come home, make dinner, then collasp in front of tv for the remainder of evening, brain feeling like jello. Upside? I am less inclined to make a fool of myself posting shit online. Downside? I feel as if I am losing touch with the online friends who kept me sane the last three years.

At any rate, while traveling to and from work the last two days, I found myself pondering the following topics:

1. I miss Spike, not Spike the character per se, but rather the rich and loopy character arc. And how that arc isn't really done that often. Taking a complete villian turning the villian gradually, bit by bit, into a tragic hero. Having them struggle with being a hero. Sort of a reverse Darth Vader. Or Darth Vader meet Han Solo. Usually you see the tragic hero bit or you come upon the character after they've become the tragic hero, a la Angel, with only a few episodes showing what they'd been before. Or you get evil character, who begins to turn around at the very end, stays in the background - a la Scorpius/Crais on Farscape, Darla on Angel, or again Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi. Or the good character who turns evil then becomes good again. (A La Connor and Cordelia and Willow and to some degree Wesely). Oh I've seen soap operas try it. But no one did as interesting a job as Mutant Enemy. I miss that character arc. And it remains my favorite.

2.This ponder about who my favorite characters are lead me into an tangent on the Spike/Angel wars that I witnessed and *cough*partaked*cough* in during 2002-2003. Why do we fight over dumb things? I wondered. I mean, think about it, does anyone really care which character is your personal favorite besides you? Or which character you think was more ahem interesting and heroic? OR which character the writers preferred? OR which character belonged with the short skinny heroine who could wallop both? The thing about art - is once it's out there it is open to any number of interpretations. The creator really doesn't have much say in how others choose to interpret his/her art. Nor is the creator's intent, however honorable, all that important in the scheme of things. 60 years from now? Whose going to really know what it was anyway? Or care? Do we care what Shakespear's intent was? Or know? Heck there are scholars out there arguing over whether it was *really* Shakespeare who wrote those plays or someone else. Yep, arguments over stupid things.

3.This lead me to thinking about cjlasky's question (posted in the replies to my last rambling monologue) - "how do we define we?" or rather "who are we"? My answer? I define "we" as every human being on the planet regardless of shape, size, color, creed, heritage, race, ethnicity, orientation, or whatever you choose to use as identifying agent at the moment. We is basically the human race, which is one huge squabbling family that can never agree on a place to meet for dinner or what to have for dinner for that matter. And probably shouldn't meet for dinner, because chances are they'd either have a food fight or kill one another over something as inane as who gets to cut the turkey or get's to sit at the head of the table. This in a nutshell is why I do not believe an alien race has wasted time on us. Why? We argue amongst ourselves too much to pose much threat to them and are more than likely to do ourselves in. [Farscape did some interesting episodes on this idea by the way. The best are: "Human Reaction, S1", "Constellation of Doubt, S4", and "Terra Firma, S4". All play around with the idea that until the human race can find a way to put aside their own petty differences and come together as a planet, exploring space and time is probably *not* a good idea. ]

Which in turn lead me back to my original thought...it is a good thing no one is privy to these internal monologues any more. (Unless I write them down like I'm doing now, with sizable editing). And gee, it's nice to be happy and working at a job that uses my brain and appreciates my abilities. Funny, BTVS and ATS and Spike came at the perfect time in my life - when I was lost, frustrated and in desperate need of distractions. Now, three years later, when I've found a job...and those two shows are over, I find myself feeling oddly grateful that they came into my life when they did and left when they did. Almost as if it was meant to be. Somehow. Like there's a purpose or pattern behind whatever happens. I don't know if there is or not. But I find the thought that there is, oddly comforting.

See aren't you glad that I'm not posting these monologues anymore?

Comments

[soundingsea.livejournal.com]

Taking a complete villian turning the villian gradually, bit by bit, into a tragic hero. Having them struggle with being a hero. Sort of a reverse Darth Vader.

Are you reading George R. R. Martin's A Song of Fire and Ice? Besides being a fabulous series, it has a character who fits the "Spike arc" fantastically.

[shadowkat67.livejournal.com]

Are you reading George R. R. Martin's A Song of Fire and Ice? Besides being a fabulous series, it has a character who fits the "Spike arc" fantastically.

Haven't heard of it before now (doesn't mean anything, hadn't heard of quite a few fantasy books). Will check it out. Thanks for the recommendation.

[ponygirl2000.livejournal.com]

Aw I like your monologues! I think the urge to post waxes and wanes for everyone, it's all cycles.

1. I miss him too. I'm finding tv this year less of a wasteland than I expected but that sense of following a character's journey is definitely missing. No one really changes on tv, at least not in unexpected ways. I was really getting into Nip/Tuck but that was more about the overall show's arc rather than any character, I have a feeling it's better not to get too attached to any characters on that show! Lately I've been enjoying anaross' AU AtS s5 fanfic. Spike's too saintly but it's pretty good.

2. Heh. That's all I can say. Heh.

3. Sadly with all the political stuff lately I've been feeling the presence of a "them" a lot more than I should. And I think I want it to stay "them" for a while before I can start thinking about the "we."

[shadowkat67.livejournal.com]

I'm finding tv this year less of a wasteland than I expected but that sense of following a character's journey is definitely missing. No one really changes on tv, at least not in unexpected ways. I was really getting into Nip/Tuck but that was more about the overall show's arc rather than any character, I have a feeling it's better not to get too attached to any characters on that show!

Having somewhat the same response. I did get to enjoy Farscape in October - which did involve following a character's journey, just without all the waiting around for the next episode to air and fear of cancellation. Sort of like watching a tele-novel. Great fun. Highly recommend.

Nip/Tuck - was more overall arc. The story in that appears to be the relationship between the two men. Yet also has rich supporting, female characters. It feels at times like our generation's "thirty-something".

Lately I've been enjoying anaross' AU AtS s5 fanfic. Spike's too saintly but it's pretty good.

Not sure I can handle a saintly Spike, sort of takes away what I liked most about him, the ambiguity.

[deevalish.livejournal.com]

Aww...but like your inner monologues. Not much else to say except ditto.

Inner monologue, etc.

[(Anonymous)]

1. Well, you know I'm with you on the Spike-lurve. A great character and a wild and woolly arc. Not sure I agree about the comparison to the Scorpius or Crais arcs on Farscape. What I found fascinating about those Farscape characters was that it wasn't the characters who changed so much as our perspective of them changed. The more we understood who this person was and where he came from, the more his motives and actions became understandable, even sympathetic and laudable in some respects. Storywise, it's almost as rare as what Whedon did with Spike -- don't change the character, but gradually change how we see him/her. We're more likely to see the easier misdirect for those kinds of characters, but that's usually all about the hero's pov and how wrong the hero is in misjudging somebody. The reader/viewer usually sees that coming from a mile away, but on Farscape it was unexpected and done with such subtlety that it created a more complex reaction to Crais or Scorpius. And one where the viewer was far less likely to over-romanticize the character, which was so common in the Spike fandom.

2. Ah, the Spike/Angel wars. LOL. Yeah, dumb, but at the time -- for some of us more than others -- it seemed like posters were fighting for their own lives in arguing the merits of one character over another. It was never about Spike or Angel -- it was always about ourselves.

3. Heh, but it makes life more interesting when we do sit down for dinner and all hell breaks loose! Otherwise, where would we get all these stories to tell each other? Your internal monologues came from someplace that still exists, it's just resting. It's that writerly thang. We can't help but share our stories with each other. Maybe this lull will bring you to a new place writing-wise.

punkinpuss

Re: Inner monologue, etc.

[shadowkat67.livejournal.com]

What I found fascinating about those Farscape characters was that it wasn't the characters who changed so much as our perspective of them changed. The more we understood who this person was and where he came from, the more his motives and actions became understandable, even sympathetic and laudable in some respects. Storywise, it's almost as rare as what Whedon did with Spike -- don't change the character, but gradually change how we see him/her. We're more likely to see the easier misdirect for those kinds of characters, but that's usually all about the hero's pov and how wrong the hero is in misjudging somebody. The reader/viewer usually sees that coming from a mile away, but on Farscape it was unexpected and done with such subtlety that it created a more complex reaction to Crais or Scorpius. And one where the viewer was far less likely to over-romanticize the character, which was so common in the Spike fandom.

A good distinction. And it is rare. Although, I think (as I discussed with redredshoes) that Bablyon 5 may have done as good if not a better job in some respects on this score with G'Kar and Londo, who when we're in the hero/B5 staff's point view come across as "opportunist" and "clown" respectively, but shifting the pov, we discover something quite different. DS9 also attempted it with Guldicat(sp?) but got scared when the audience began romanticizing the character and backed off. This never happened on Farscape, Scorpius and Crais were never romanticized, partly due to how they were costumed, and how they were portrayed. Nothing at all appealing about Scorpie. And Crais? We only got snippets. But the shift happens as Crichton's loses his innocence and realizes the universe is not as simple as he believes, Whedon adopts a similar tact with Buffy, the shift in Spike happens when Buffy loses her innocence and realizes the world is not quite as simple as she believed. The line dividing us and them is far narrower than one would expect and in some regards, does not exist at all. As she began to grasp that, Spike became less and less the opportunistic villian, just as Scorpius became less and less one in Crichton's eyes. A tricky thing for a writer to pull off well. Very few attempt it. (I think the reason Scorpius and Crais never got romanticized is that the central hero was male and an adult. In BTVS, the central hero was female, and well they put both Angel and Spike in a romance with her, so sort of unavoidable. If Spike's arc had been on Angel, rather than on BTVS, it probably would have been closer to Scorpius' arc and far less romantic. I don't know whether I would have enjoyed it more or less, to be honest.)

It was never about Spike or Angel -- it was always about ourselves.

I'd agree with that. Every time I attempt to analyze those wars, I find myself placing people into boxes including myself and realizing, people don't fit in boxes very well. Too complicated.

Heh, but it makes life more interesting when we do sit down for dinner and all hell breaks loose! Otherwise, where would we get all these stories to tell each other?

If only there were more stories and less violence...heh.

[oyceter]

Hee, I have no idea how I have time to make posts or comment either! Usually I do it before my boyfriend gets home or (like now) when he is busy playing video games or doing homework.

[midnightsjane.livejournal.com]

I like your monologues. I remember some of the heated debate over on ATPO, and yes, it is amazing how we can become so invested in these characters that our emotions take over our common sense. I guess that shows the power of good writing and acting.
I'm glad you're enjoying your job. Since we spend so much of our time at work, it's good to like what you do.

[anomster.livejournal.com]

I like your monologues too! Even more so when they include things like "And gee, it's nice to be happy and working at a job that uses my brain and appreciates my abilities."

"Happy." Do you know how good it feels to see you write that?... Probably about a tenth as good as it feels to be able to write it! But still really good.