Day 270...sigh
Dec. 13th, 2020 08:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadowkatBeen tired a lot lately, not sure why. Also, my left shoulder is bugging me again - in December. I've decided I'm going to call it December shoulder.
Took a lovely walk this afternoon - it was in the 50s, almost 60 degrees. But overcast.
The sky as you can see has a definitive December tint to it. People were out, not many, but enough to have to work a bit to steer clear of in the Cemetery. Most everyone was wearing masks. And there were signs that people were to wear masks at all times. (I pushed mine down when no one was around me - by no one - I mean I couldn't see anyone, or they were far away by at least twenty to forty feet.)
On the way home, passed one of the local restaurants which is desperately trying to stay afloat by having "outdoor dining" - which isn't cheap to construct.
I took the picture from across the street and wasn't near anyone when I took it. Next to me was a sign on the Jewish School's fence...
Anyhow..like I said, somewhat sleepy at the moment. But I was active today.
Did the Church Zoom thing - which was a sermon and a concert on the Dedadlus /Icarus myth - where Icarus flies too close to the sun and dies. I fell asleep during the play they did. I know more than they do about the myth, I studied Greek myths in college.
This week, I have to remember to go to the Zoom book discussion on Ibrahm Kendi's "How to be an Anti-Racist" - which I bought and listened to the audio book for. (Actually I got it cheap, since I also got the Kindle E-book (on sale).) Hopefully I won't go to sleep during that too. Zoom has a tendency to make me sleepy for some reason.
Afterwards, talked to mother. And took the aforementioned walk- about 2.7 miles which isn't too bad. According to the Cemetery folks - the graveyard will be open until five PM throughout the winter months. But they don't know if the Ft. Hamilton entrance will be open. The Main Entrance always has to be open - since it's a working cemetery and for funerals. I saw about three funerals today. The funerals are about $1500. They aren't making money off of us strollers - they are just opening for us, because it is a historic landmark, and well, the pandemic. Also I think they got donations - I gave, and I'm sure others did as well.
After the walk, wrapped the gifts my mother sent me. One I kept in the Amazon Box, and I've no clue what it is - and wrapped it. The other I took out of the Amazon box, because I know what it is - and wrapped it. That's the dish set that I requested and mother bought for me. So I've pretty presents next to the Television. Everything is huge, so nothing fits under my tiny trees. The presents are bigger than the trees. It's kind of funny.
Gotta to appreciate the irony.
Television is a mixed bag. I think I'm hormonal - I've cried during three shows so far. Okay, maybe not that hormonal. I did not cry during Northern Rescue - which was sad, but so badly written - I finally gave up on it, nor did I cry during the Prom (also bad), but Grey's Anatomy got me with its listing of all the people who've died. Although, as mother put it, it's starting to become somewhat numbing. We have over 298,000 dead and counting.
That's more than the second World War, and the Vietnam War...it's also far more than the War on Terrorism. And Klaus - a very well done Christmas cartoon made me cry - it was heartwarming, about how kindness can change the world. One act of kindness spurns another - was its central theme. This is true I think.
I was thinking tonight that I kind of understand how Trump happened. So much rage and hate was unleashed on and after 9/11, although it had been building prior, and it built and built and built. The media (internet, broadcast, print) helped fuel that rage for their own benefit. They still are adding to it, daily. Not realizing what they are doing to their own mental health and everyone else's. Either to build ratings, an audience, or subscribers. And as a result, so many people acted out of hate and rage. I remember sitting at a restaurant once with my former boss, and two other former work colleagues, and former bass telling us that she couldn't stop feeling angry. Every day, she just got angrier and angrier.
"I can't seem to feel anything but rage - it just fills me..." [I saw a lot of people like that.]
She's one of the folks who supported Trump and voted for him. 9/11 had blown up her world. And after wards, she just felt this rage - which she couldn't put anywhere. And things seemed from her perspective, to get worse and worse. They didn't. She kept her job. When she was laid off - she had a lot of money saved, and got a decent severance, and got hired by a good company immediately afterwards. Also, she lived in a rent-stabilized apartment with a roommate, a dog and two cats. Went on international cruises, trips to Disney with friends, and rescued cats and domestic animals in her spare time via area shelters that she volunteered at. She had close friends at work - who saw the world as she did.
In some ways her life was better than mine and many people that I know. She also reached out and helped me when I got laid-off a second time, and got me the job that I currently have - if it weren't for her - I wouldn't have this job.
But her rage and her ingrained beliefs ruled her, and she couldn't see all the wonderful things she had. All she saw were the missed chances, missed opportunities or the things she thought she wanted and couldn't have due to external circumstances beyond her control. And the television shows, friends, and co-workers she spent most of her time with - added to that rage, cheered it on. Instead of being grateful for what she had, she was busy looking at what she thought she should have had.
I hope she's passed all that now. She retired two years ago, and last time I saw her - she was happy. Really happy. Content in her life and her pursuits.
Reminding me that people and life aren't all one thing, but many chapters in a book constantly changing.
I caved and bought Christmas treats from Etsy - chocolate walnut fudge, and gluten free Christmas cookies...I know. I know. I need them like I need a hole in the head. But the cookies are Gluten Free and Keto, and the fudge is gluten-free at least. Also, Christmas.
I rather adore Christmas - it's among the few holidays in which the metaphors work for me. It's a holiday in which everyone buys and gives each other gifts to celebrate someone else's birthday. Or just because they love each other or want to cheer each other up or make each other happy. There's beautiful lights. Christmas trees. A man who drives a sled with reindeer and gives toys to children everywhere. Songs. Candy. Cookies. Pies.
What's not to love? However...I do think it is a hard season for those who are lonely or don't have anyone. Or have no money. Nothing at all. This reminds me - I should give some funds to Toys for Tots. And I did worry about being alone this year - my first since 2004. But after the election, I became kind of resigned to it. So many people have it worse off than I do, I can do this. And besides my Church is doing a lot to keep people connected. I'm not alone. There's a lot of people in the same situation that I am this year.
Took a lovely walk this afternoon - it was in the 50s, almost 60 degrees. But overcast.
The sky as you can see has a definitive December tint to it. People were out, not many, but enough to have to work a bit to steer clear of in the Cemetery. Most everyone was wearing masks. And there were signs that people were to wear masks at all times. (I pushed mine down when no one was around me - by no one - I mean I couldn't see anyone, or they were far away by at least twenty to forty feet.)
On the way home, passed one of the local restaurants which is desperately trying to stay afloat by having "outdoor dining" - which isn't cheap to construct.
I took the picture from across the street and wasn't near anyone when I took it. Next to me was a sign on the Jewish School's fence...
Anyhow..like I said, somewhat sleepy at the moment. But I was active today.
Did the Church Zoom thing - which was a sermon and a concert on the Dedadlus /Icarus myth - where Icarus flies too close to the sun and dies. I fell asleep during the play they did. I know more than they do about the myth, I studied Greek myths in college.
This week, I have to remember to go to the Zoom book discussion on Ibrahm Kendi's "How to be an Anti-Racist" - which I bought and listened to the audio book for. (Actually I got it cheap, since I also got the Kindle E-book (on sale).) Hopefully I won't go to sleep during that too. Zoom has a tendency to make me sleepy for some reason.
Afterwards, talked to mother. And took the aforementioned walk- about 2.7 miles which isn't too bad. According to the Cemetery folks - the graveyard will be open until five PM throughout the winter months. But they don't know if the Ft. Hamilton entrance will be open. The Main Entrance always has to be open - since it's a working cemetery and for funerals. I saw about three funerals today. The funerals are about $1500. They aren't making money off of us strollers - they are just opening for us, because it is a historic landmark, and well, the pandemic. Also I think they got donations - I gave, and I'm sure others did as well.
After the walk, wrapped the gifts my mother sent me. One I kept in the Amazon Box, and I've no clue what it is - and wrapped it. The other I took out of the Amazon box, because I know what it is - and wrapped it. That's the dish set that I requested and mother bought for me. So I've pretty presents next to the Television. Everything is huge, so nothing fits under my tiny trees. The presents are bigger than the trees. It's kind of funny.
Gotta to appreciate the irony.
Television is a mixed bag. I think I'm hormonal - I've cried during three shows so far. Okay, maybe not that hormonal. I did not cry during Northern Rescue - which was sad, but so badly written - I finally gave up on it, nor did I cry during the Prom (also bad), but Grey's Anatomy got me with its listing of all the people who've died. Although, as mother put it, it's starting to become somewhat numbing. We have over 298,000 dead and counting.
That's more than the second World War, and the Vietnam War...it's also far more than the War on Terrorism. And Klaus - a very well done Christmas cartoon made me cry - it was heartwarming, about how kindness can change the world. One act of kindness spurns another - was its central theme. This is true I think.
I was thinking tonight that I kind of understand how Trump happened. So much rage and hate was unleashed on and after 9/11, although it had been building prior, and it built and built and built. The media (internet, broadcast, print) helped fuel that rage for their own benefit. They still are adding to it, daily. Not realizing what they are doing to their own mental health and everyone else's. Either to build ratings, an audience, or subscribers. And as a result, so many people acted out of hate and rage. I remember sitting at a restaurant once with my former boss, and two other former work colleagues, and former bass telling us that she couldn't stop feeling angry. Every day, she just got angrier and angrier.
"I can't seem to feel anything but rage - it just fills me..." [I saw a lot of people like that.]
She's one of the folks who supported Trump and voted for him. 9/11 had blown up her world. And after wards, she just felt this rage - which she couldn't put anywhere. And things seemed from her perspective, to get worse and worse. They didn't. She kept her job. When she was laid off - she had a lot of money saved, and got a decent severance, and got hired by a good company immediately afterwards. Also, she lived in a rent-stabilized apartment with a roommate, a dog and two cats. Went on international cruises, trips to Disney with friends, and rescued cats and domestic animals in her spare time via area shelters that she volunteered at. She had close friends at work - who saw the world as she did.
In some ways her life was better than mine and many people that I know. She also reached out and helped me when I got laid-off a second time, and got me the job that I currently have - if it weren't for her - I wouldn't have this job.
But her rage and her ingrained beliefs ruled her, and she couldn't see all the wonderful things she had. All she saw were the missed chances, missed opportunities or the things she thought she wanted and couldn't have due to external circumstances beyond her control. And the television shows, friends, and co-workers she spent most of her time with - added to that rage, cheered it on. Instead of being grateful for what she had, she was busy looking at what she thought she should have had.
I hope she's passed all that now. She retired two years ago, and last time I saw her - she was happy. Really happy. Content in her life and her pursuits.
Reminding me that people and life aren't all one thing, but many chapters in a book constantly changing.
I caved and bought Christmas treats from Etsy - chocolate walnut fudge, and gluten free Christmas cookies...I know. I know. I need them like I need a hole in the head. But the cookies are Gluten Free and Keto, and the fudge is gluten-free at least. Also, Christmas.
I rather adore Christmas - it's among the few holidays in which the metaphors work for me. It's a holiday in which everyone buys and gives each other gifts to celebrate someone else's birthday. Or just because they love each other or want to cheer each other up or make each other happy. There's beautiful lights. Christmas trees. A man who drives a sled with reindeer and gives toys to children everywhere. Songs. Candy. Cookies. Pies.
What's not to love? However...I do think it is a hard season for those who are lonely or don't have anyone. Or have no money. Nothing at all. This reminds me - I should give some funds to Toys for Tots. And I did worry about being alone this year - my first since 2004. But after the election, I became kind of resigned to it. So many people have it worse off than I do, I can do this. And besides my Church is doing a lot to keep people connected. I'm not alone. There's a lot of people in the same situation that I am this year.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-14 09:34 am (UTC)This kind of calamity - not so spectacular, but as damaging - is what the US has been unleashing on other countries, overtly or covertly, for decades, and yet most americans can't seem to understand why anyone would feel equivalent rage against their country.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-14 03:06 pm (UTC)Although to be fair to the former boss - she did focus on other things, and is kind of proof that people are more than one thing. I mean she has saved thousands of domestic animals and devoted her life to doing so - for no money, completely through volunteer work. She'd planned to be a veternarian, but life got in the way. She found a way though - to do what she loved, save animals.
Did she understand why other countries hated the US? No. She didn't. But then she saw the positive things the US did, not the negative. It's hard to see the negative things that your country, family, or those you love do - when they are close to you. Also, it's worth mentioning that she was the child of German immigrants who fought hard to come to the US. And 9/11 disrupted her life in a way that is hard to understand unless you've personally been working in a building that blew up, and collapsed, mere minutes after you'd escaped. And it did disrupt her life - she lost co-workers and friends (they didn't get out of the building), had health issues,and ended up losing a boss she loved and got one she hated, and eventually got laid-off and lost her retirement benefits. (I kind of belittled that above and shouldn't have.)
Do most Americans see the horrors the US has done? Yes, many do. I'm listening to Barack Obama's memoir and he does. So too did Ibrahm Kendi. But again, Americans are people like you and everyone else. We don't tend to dwell on the horrors our country's commit. Not that there are those who don't - my mother rants about the evils America has done, as do friends, and church acquaintances, and various family members. Also co-workers. Our media also does.
But there are those who choose not too - and don't get it. Just as the citizens of other countries don't see the damage their countries have done.
It's human. We see what we want to see. And it's often easier to blame the other for all our ills, to play the victim so to speak. People, I've learned, love playing the victim. Myself included.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-14 05:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-12-14 06:19 pm (UTC)To drive my point home? And why it is so important to find ways to let go of rage?
Her way of coping with what happened was to build a shrine to GW Bush and Rudy Guiliani - whom she believed saved her life and were her heroes. It kept her sane. She blamed the Clintons for the attacks. She blamed the Democrats and the Liberals. Her rage was directed towards their leniency. The Democrats and Liberals and Muslims, became the focus of her rage. Fox News and other similar media outlets further fueled it.
So, yeah, she raged at the government too, and against other's governments. It did her no good.
Rage is impotent and seeks an outlet.
Also, there's so much we don't know. We're look through the lens of others - such as our journalists and reporters, and they aren't always the best lens. The left-wing press is as bad as the right-wing press in how it narrowly reports on events, and fuels rage.
She looked through the lens of Fox News, and conservative news sites that furthered her world view and fueled her rage. Ignoring everything else. She needed a target for her rage and picked one.
It lead her to support and vote for Trump. She voted for him because she was angry at our government. Most of the people I know who voted for Trump did it - because they were angry at the career politicians, and the government and the establishment. Here was a businessman, who spoke in no-nonsense terms, and gave a voice to their rage. They saw Trump as a means of screwing their government over. (They ignored everything else. And continue to do so.)
They let their anger control them. And look where it lead them...and us?
no subject
Date: 2020-12-14 10:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-12-14 10:54 pm (UTC)Loving Kindness Meditation
All I can say is meditation helps. It has helped me let go of my rage. I realized finally that the only person that my rage hurt was me. No one else. Forgiving felt better. There's a great deal of truth to the words - we don't forgive others for them, we do it for ourselves.