Day 274 - really...

[shadowkat]

Yesterday was actually day 273. [ETA - I went back and fixed, apparently I skipped over day 272.] I did a calendar calculation from March 17, and it has been 274 days since I went into what can best be called self-isolation/lock-down.

Day wasn't really that bad. Started out well enough, even had a nice little talk with one of my neighbors in the laundry room.

Then I called mother back and we got into a fight. A bad one. Over something stupid. Most fights, or disagreements, so I've discovered, are over dumb things. Lately, I feel as if people are talking at each other. And I don't feel heard.

Mother lately has felt the need to regale me with stories about her friends grandchildren. People I vaguely knew, whose kids I was not close to and barely recall, have grown, married and had kids. They are my age - so their kids are in their teens or twenties. And of course these people live close to their families and are surrounded by their children. And they send the dreaded Christmas Letter. My mother still sends Christmas cards and receives the "Christmas" letter. (I stopped, because I finally realized I did not want to receive a card and letter from someone once a year. I prefer this brand of correspondence...it's more intimate and less painful.)

Mother has been regaling me about one a night.

"Do you remember the Henry's? Well their two sons have three kids each, and their kids are in..."

"Do you remember the Siglers? All their kids have kids now...and.."

Then tonight..

"Do you remember the Davies ="

ME: Mother, I don't want to hear this tonight.
Mother: The Davies sent me a letter, you remember them, they had two kids around your age, slightly older -
ME: Yes, yes, one was friends with John Cusack and Nic Cage -
Mother: he's not acting anymore, I don't know what he is doing, he has kids and is married -
Me: I really don't care - please-
Mother: Can I talk? I listen to you. You told me about some stranger. You should listen to me.
Me: Okay.
Mother: Well the Davies husband has Alzheimers and all her family is around her, and he's struggling at home. And her kids all live nearby..
Me: Mother, I'm living in an apartment by myself and was psyched for having a nice -
Mother: Let me talk! I should be able to complain for a bit to you.
Me: Do you talk to brother about these things?
Mother: Yes, and he listens. Unlike you.
Me: I -
Mother: He listens to me and is caring.
Me: Then maybe you should just talk to him about it -
Mother: Fine, I'll only talk to him from now on.

I hung up. Before it got any worse. Then burst into tears. I'm still crying. It's pathetic really. And I jump emotionally from rage to grief to frustration to regret to rage to this overwhelming sense of futility. I'd call her back - but I'm afraid to. I don't want to get blasted or hurt. So, I think I'll wait a few days.

Good news, I don't have to Hilton Head tomorrow. Bad news - I don't have to go to Hilton Head tomorrow. Right now, I'm resenting my brother, the Davies, Siglers and Henry's and feel horrible about it.

Skipping back a few hours, I did laundry, and ran into this young guy in the laundry room. Who when I first ran into him - I was touch irritated, sorry to say. Laundry is kind of anxiety inducing on a good day. I go down there and never know what to expect. A Bengali family lives in the apartment in the basement - so the basement often smells of curry. Today, it smelled of garlic. Intensely of garlic. (At least I know that I don't have COVID and still have my sense of smell - although not sure about the family in the basement.) It was empty when I entered - so I decided to use all the washers - which kind of guarantees dryers - also no one doing laundry while I'm down there. Pre-COVID - I would always leave one washer open at least. Post-COVID, I go out of my way not to. Anyhow, an old White guy came down at one point without a mask, looked at me and the machines, then retreated. A few minutes later, the younger guy came down - he's first generation American from Haiti, and has a slight Haitian accent. I love the Haitian accent, it's kind of musical. Reminds me a little of the Nigerian accent. He's dark skinned, or rather darker than mine, but lighter than Chidi (work Chidi - whose skin is the color of characoal). He wore a mask. I told him that unfortunately I was using all the washers, but they'd be ready in thirty-four minutes. He left his bag and left. When I came back down - he asked if I could tell him how tall he was. And if we were the same height. We stood about three feet apart and measured our heights.

Jesse: So am I tall?
ME: Depends on your point of view.
Jesse: Are we the same height?
ME: Yes. Or about the same...height.
Jesse: What does about the same mean? The same?
Me: No, approximate or ..."close" or "maybe"?
Jesse: How tall are you?
ME: I'm about 5'11.44 inches. Or six foot.
Jesse: You're really tall. I've seen you entering the building and I think to myself, that's a tall woman.
Me: Yeah, well, I'm in area with a lot of very small women. And average height for most women is between 5'2 an 5'6. I'm considered tall for a woman.
Jesse: Am I considered tall?
Me: No more about average for a male. Although in this area? Yeah, tall.
There's a lot of tiny people in this area.

We discussed that for about fifteen minutes. He wants to be a physical therapist, but doesn't have the money to get a graduate degree and currently just has an associates degree.

Folks this is the first in-person conversation that I've had with someone, and the closest physical contact since my doctor's appointment.

Mother called back as if nothing had happened. But I had to clear the air.
Mother apparently has been having a difficult day. Father and her had gotten into a little spat over his drinking earlier. And then, in a lucid moment, he told her that they both needed to work on being patient and careful of one another during this time. When she told him that I'd hung up on her, he offered to talk to me.

Me: Oh how sweet.
Mother: You don't understand, he wasn't going to do it over the phone. He thought you were in the other room. He offered to negotiate.
(I burst out laughing.)
Me: Oh, my poor father. He must be so confused.
Mother: At least he was trying to help me.

We're all on edge of late. Everyone is. COVID is getting worse, the vaccine is at the moment an unknown entity - we're told it works but we don't know for certain. The election from hell won't end. And the negotiations into the stimulus package are just painful.

Mother: On Fox News they won't stop talking about the investigation into Hunter. The other channels won't stop talking about the Russian hacking into agencies and the 45th's failure to do anything about it. And you aren't getting the ads - from Georgia, the Republicans ads are so nasty.
On top of that, they won't stop talking about how bad COVID is. And of course Mitch McConnell has made it clear he doesn't care about the States and thinks they should go bankrupt.

Yep, why everyone is edgy in a nutshell.

I want the pandemic to end, but part of me is afraid of what will happen when it does. January is going to be a scary month.

At any rate we made up.

Mother: You know me, I can't let anyone go to bed angry. And I do love you.
Me: Yeah, I love you too. I'm kind of stuck with you. You're the only mother I've got. I don't have anyone else.

Ah, 2020. You just keep giving.

The gal on Zoom last night, Munro, told us all that she had lost a close friend to suicide, and then another friend's ex-boyfriend had committed suicide, all within a month of each other. Both were in their twenties.

But, hey, at least I've stopped crying. The cry probably did me some good. I've all this pent-up tension and frustration. I've not been sleeping well. And my neck, back and shoulders ache. Also heartburn like crazy. Tonight is the first night that I don't have the heartburn. I took an aleve at 4 pm, because my shoulders hurt so bad. I think I've been holding in a lot of emotion? It's making me irritable.



The Snowstorm





Didn't get as much snow as everywhere else. My brother got about 21 inches, to the west and south of him, 41 inches. I got 3-5 inches, to the east of me? Six inches. To the north? Ten inches (and fourteen in Central Park). To the South? Six inches. To the West? Ten inches.

Mother: So everyone around you got more than you did.
Me: Pretty much.

Apparently my brother got up at 4 am to plow his street - it's his driveway, but it is actually the same length as a road. Then again later. He also coerced his teenage daughter and wife into helping him. It's wet heavy snow...so not easy going. And his tractor keeps losing air in its tires.

Still it must have been beautiful where he is - with the woods and the deer. It was beautiful outside my living room window. The cardinals, bluejays, squirrles and a cat were all wandering about. I was really enjoying watching the bluejays and cardinals. There's a lot of birds in the back yard. Afterwards, I looked down and saw a lot of animal tracks in the clean white snow. No humans walk around back there. And the snow covers the trash the idiotic humans failed to pick up.

The Governor came on around 10 am to discuss the snow storm in Kingston, NY. Apparently it was a serious storm, and states of emergency were announced in twelve counties. He explained that states of emergency provides local governments and counties with increased access to funding.

It's the biggest and worst snowstorm that the northeast has gotten in decades. Over two feet of snow were dumped on some areas. And apparently everywhere in NY State got snow. Power lines fell in most of upstate. But down-state, we're fine. Also it didn't quite have the wind or snow damage expected in the city. However, the snow is heavy and wet - and it's very cold - so no melting for a bit. It is however supposed to reach the forties by next week. I'm look forward to wandering about Greenwood Cemetery in the snow, assuming of course it is open and I can do it.

[As an aside, family disputes are exhausting. I'm worn out.]

COVID

Per the NY Times..

* The first inoculations against the coronavirus in the European Union are expected to begin on Dec. 27.

* The U.S. set two single-day records on Wednesday: more than 3,600 deaths and more than 245,000 new infections.

* The king of Sweden, which has had a relatively lax virus strategy, denounced the country’s response.

[As an aside, I'm apparently Scottish, Irish, Swedish, German, Belgium, and a touch of Welsh and English according to Ancestry.com. Well this would explain the height and long limbs. The Swedes are tall, the Welsh not so much.]

* President Emmanuel Macron of France has become the latest to contract Covid-19, joining a list that includes President Trump, Prime Minister Boris Johnson of Britain and President Jair Bolsonaro of Brazil, among others. [Don't worry he won't die of it. The rich and powerful get immediate medical treatment and don't die. Only the poor and struggling do. Not that I want him too - I actually have no issues with Macron. Should I? I don't know. He seems rather tame and sane in comparison to the others listed.]

* The deployment of vaccines that is getting underway should offer some top officials a measure of protection.

The Trump administration announced that Vice President Mike Pence and his wife, Karen Pence, will receive the Pfizer-BioNTech vaccine on Friday at a public event at the White House to “promote the safety and efficacy of the vaccine and build confidence among the American people.”

Dr. Anthony Fauci recommended this week that President-elect Joe Biden and Vice President-elect Kamala Harris get the vaccine quickly, as well as Mr. Trump, even though he has already had Covid-19. Mr. Biden is expected to be inoculated as early as next week. Kayleigh McEnany, the White House press secretary, said Mr. Trump would “receive the vaccine as soon as his medical team determines it’s best,” but that he was not yet scheduled to do so.

For politicians, getting the shot may be a double-edged sword. Doing so in front of the cameras could boost public confidence in the vaccine — or lead to accusations that they’re cutting in line.

Sigh. I can understand the dilemma. Personally, I can wait. Some people are having severe allergic reactions to it - even though they have no allergies. Not many, just about one or two people so far in the US. But, I'd like to see how people have reacted to it first. (My guess is I'll get the Moderna vaccine sometime in the spring, since I'm in the high risk category per my doctor.]

I worry about it having adverse affects or side-effects. My friend Wales worries that it has a tracking device that will track her movements. Honestly, why the government would want to track Wales, I've no clue. I told her that she wasn't that interesting. They'd be terribly bored.



I keep seeing all these people on FB traveling about and doing stuff, and I feel this odd mix of envy, resentment, irritation, bewilderment, and regret. It's not joy. I wish it was.

What are they doing?

Former college friend went and did a Spa Day in Boston on her day off.

Several people are traveling to see family, after getting tested first.

Several are visiting family for Xmas.

Several are doing family Xmasy things - like visiting a forest with light Christmas trees.

Tis the season to feel lonely. I'm pushing it to one side. I've been dreading the end of December pretty much since I realized I wasn't going to be able to visit family during it . I may go grocery shopping tomorrow and buy stuff to bake with...considering hunting for peppermint ice cream.
But it's not a good idea - dairy ice cream gives me gas.

I'll make gluten-free pumpkin muffins tomorrow instead.



That's the bluejay that I was watching outside my window this morning.

I think I need the break from work. I told my management about five times that I was taking vacation. Yet, one of them still asked if I was off on vacation for two weeks. Sigh.

Work, I've found to be increasingly frustrating. I got kicked out of my remote computer repeatedly this week. Today, I couldn't get back into it.
So I gave up and did the work around method. Instead of going through the Citrix Server, I went through Windows Virtual Desktop - which is slower, but doable in a crunch. (It's very slow. It takes forever to do anything.)

Also I had to do hand holding, and deal with pesky users and vendors.

Vendor: Here's the invoice.
Me: The procurement department doesn't handle invoices, please send to project manager and (agency that handles them))
Vendor: Okay. Please provide the contact information for the project manager (it should be noted that the vendor had included the project manager's email address in his response to me)
Me: You already have it. It's (I give the name in his email thread.)
Project Manager: Don't just send invoice and expect us to approve, ask (my name) how to do it - via the contract.
Vendor (deciding it's my job now and taking PM off): Please provide format for invoice.
ME (cursing lazy-ass project manager under my breath - as I hunt down contract language, which requires exporting contract to word, cutting and pasting relevant sections, and asking colleagues what the deal is at agency that handles it.): anyone know what the new address is for agency that handles this and what the format is?
DP: No operating contracts.
ME: What do you mean? That's all you do. (but I don't send that, DP has become useless since she went into management. I've decided all managers do is ask people to fill out reports and hold meetings.)
Moscow guy: Here's two guys I've worked with there that might know.
Babs: There's no format, and here's the contact information. (She provides all of it in an email. Way to go Babs!)
ME to PM and Vendor: Here's the contact information.
Vendor to me: Is this invoice format okay?
Me: I think so, appears to be per the contract. I'd send the contract and your approved rate sheet with it to the Project Manager.
PM: You sent this to the STV consultant with a similar name to mine by mistake. Put me in the loop going forward.
Me (completely fed up with everyone by now): Thank you. Outlook keeps randomly putting in different emails - from people I don't do business with. And Distinct keeps kicking you off the email, and I keep putting you back on.

This whole thing took up two hours of my time. And it was a waste of time, since the parties involved have done it before. The Vendor had another prior release under this same contract. And the project manager had done operating stuff previously. I wanted to smack them both upside the head.



So, I'm grateful for the much needed vacation. Tomorrow, I can sleep in late. Take a long walk if I want to. Watch television. Read. Write. Bake.
All lovely things.

And I get to do this for two weeks. Yippee.

My time is my own. Perhaps, I'll ignore the news. I don't know about you? But I need a vacation from all of this doom and gloom.

Comments

[trepkos]

Macron wants to pass a law that would stop people filming the police. He's not great. I'm glad you made up with your mother. I got through the first part and was going to suggest you write her a letter!

[shadowkat]

Still no where near as bad as the other three. More in line with Thatcher and Regan.

[shadowkat]

No, my mother would have called me again long before I got around to writing it, sent it off, received it, and read it. And she doesn't read email.

My mother doesn't hold grudges and can't stand anyone going to bed angry.

[jesuswasbatman]

According to the news Macron tested positive but doesn't have any symptoms.

Macron's a Thatcherite who thinks his election means that the voters gave him a mandate, when it was more that his second round opponent was a fascist so people held their noses and voted for him.

In recent weeks he's also started persecuting Muslims because a bunch of fanatics murdered a schoolteacher for teaching about the Mohammed cartoons controversy.

[shadowkat]

So basically your run of the mill boilerplate Bush/Regan era Republican. Sigh. Although the French have been persecuting the Muslims for the past twenty years or more...so hardly new. (They made it illegal to wear a ha-bib, while it is legal to go topless on beaches during the previous guy's regime.)

Still not as bad as ours. It's a shame, when someone like Macron seems relatively human in comparison to the monsters currently in the UK, Brazil and the US. Actually Thatcher wasn't that bad - in comparison to Boris Johnson.

[cactuswatcher]

I get complaints if I don't send a Christmas letter. Seriously. My family members aren't great about keeping me up on their lives. I knew one of my local nieces had moved out this summer to a ranch an hour or so out of town, but not precisely where. I called her oldest sister and asked the new address. She didn't know. So determining she hadn't changed her cell phone, I called the niece directly. I get her address and mentioned she'd get a card. She says excitedly, "Oh, I enjoy your Christmas letters!"

My mother's father loved to convey bad news in person. He still lived in the small town where my mother grew up. So when we'd be on the way there for a few days visit, my father would start joking about his father-in-law, our grandfather, giving us the list of "who died." Our grandfather never failed him. At some point in the visit, he'd start listing all the old neighbors and all his and my grandmother's relatives (many of them distant relatives) who'd gone to the hospital that year and why, and all the ones who'd died and how. It went on and on. My mother's family was so tangled, she literally could not explain how some of these cousins were related to her. We all listened politely, but everyone but my mother joked about how 'cheery' it was on the way home. Now that I think of it, it was amazing my grandfather could remember them all without notes in front of him.

[shadowkat]

Your grandfather reminds me of my Grandmother - who'd regale me over the phone with all these people she knew that died. My mother does this too. And they aren't necessarily related - actually in most cases they aren't related at all - and I don't know them.

My father used to get compliments on his Christmas Letters - which were short and rather amusing. My father has an off-beat sense of humor similar to my own. Now they just send cards, unless my mother feels the need to write one.

I send nothing. I don't have anyone's addresses - my family moves around a lot. Also, my brother's not in the habit any longer. And extended family mainly does it via FB.
I used to, but finally gave up - after I began to lose track of people's addresses.

[atpo_onm]

ME: I'm about 5'11.44 inches.

You measured yourself to within a hundredth of an inch? That may be more precise than necessary, just sayin'. ;-)

Sometime last year, I recall myself and my sister eating lunch in the local diner we favor, and a young woman walked by our booth who if not six feet tall was mighty darn close. She was either very late teens or early 20's, I'm never good at getting things that close. My sister noticed me eyeing the woman, and when I look back, smiled and stated the obvious-- "Pretty. Tall!"

I nodded, then mentioned to my sister if she had noticed that there were far more tall girls / women around these days, certainly since the 50's, my sister's era, or the 60's, mine. When I was in junior high and high school, a girl who was even over 5'8" was rare. Now they're all over the place.

"Do you think it's better overall nutrition, or greater experience with athletics? Because-- from an evolutionary standpoint, this is an extremely rapid adaptation."

She agreed with me that it pretty much had to be both-- noting that most of her granddaughters participated regularly in sports, and certainly had better information as to healthy eating habits than we did.

(Heh-- naturally, the granddaughter who's the family's best athlete, who even got into college on an athletic scholarship-- is tiny! (Reminds me of Buffy, actually-- small but wicked strong and can move like crazy.) She plays lacrosse, and ferociously.)

Your travails with your job remind me of why I didn't apply for the manager's position when my old boss retired and sold the business. I can do business type paperwork, but it bores me, I find I put it off. I'm a hands-on person, I prefer to do stuff-- design and/or build things, fix things, whathaveyou. Working with customers was fine also, because it lead to doing things, and luckily I seem to get along with people fairly well. (I've known a number of salespeople in a number of fields over the years who should never be in that profession, seriously.)

Like the pic of the bluejay. A bit blurry, understandably, but it still captures the energy, which is the main thing.

[shadowkat]

You measured yourself to within a hundredth of an inch? That may be more precise than necessary, just sayin'. ;-)

Well, no. The doctor did at the last visit. I just remembered it - because I thought it was funny. LOL!

Like the pic of the bluejay. A bit blurry, understandably, but it still captures the energy, which is the main thing.

Thanks. I've decided birds are impossible to take good pics of - unless you have a lot of patience and a really really good telescopic lens. Also can stay very still.
Granted this was from my window, and I was taking from a bit of a distance. So while I could get the camera to get a close up - the bluejay would not stay still.

I nodded, then mentioned to my sister if she had noticed that there were far more tall girls / women around these days, certainly since the 50's, my sister's era, or the 60's, mine. When I was in junior high and high school, a girl who was even over 5'8" was rare. Now they're all over the place.

I rarely see any tall women - but I also live in a neighborhood with mostly Bangladash, Pakistani, Hispanic, and Southern European. The tall women that I see tend to be black women - from either Nigeria, African-American, or Caribbean (Barbados)- a lot of the Caribbean is rather short. Depends on where in Africa and Caribbean - also mainly of African descent, they hail from.

The Northern Europeans tend to be - say Scotland, Scandinavia, Belgium, Northern France, North Germany, Northern Russia, and Northern Ireland. (My ancestry hails from Sweden, Northern Ireland, Scotland, and Germany/Belgium. Also Norway and Finland.)

The people in my family that have Iberian, or South Ireland, Welsh, and Southern Scottish/ England blood - are short.

My sisterin-law is Southern Italy, Jewish (also tend to be really short), South Irish,
and Cherokee - which can be tall, but were also short.

I think height has a lot to do with climate, requirements of the environment in which you live, etc. We adapt to the environment we are in - that has evolved via DNA over time. If you are Southern Pennsylvanian Italian - short. If you are Pennsylvanian Irish - taller. Welsh - shorter. Etc. With exceptions - always exceptions in genetics.

Diet, athletics, etc - have nothing to do with it. Most of my family is NOT athletic.
And we range between 5'5 - 6'7. My father wasn't really - he was good at tennis, but that was about it - and he's 6'4. My brother was a jock as kid, but didn't stay that way. I'm not - I was into swimming and track as a kid, but haven't been much since then. My niece is no athlete and she's 5'9. My mother wasn't at 5'9. My Aunt wasn't - 5'11.

While I know a lot of short people who are.

It's more "genetics" - or "DNA". You either have it or you don't. Height is similar to skin tone, eye width, nose width, metabolism, etc - it's in your DNA.

[tellshannon815]

Re the stories from your mother about those people, I have to admit that the one thing I'm not going to miss from my relatives "The Dursleys" this year is the Goddaughter Updates. What it is for me with those is that while anyone else who talks about their kids, nephews/nieces etc. will tell the warts and all stories, the "X wouldn't go to bed/Y got in trouble at school for repeating a rude joke she heard Ant and Dec say on TV" stories, The Dursleys talk about the goddaughter as though she's perfect, the sun shines out of her arse, she can do no wrong. Years of hearing about how perfect K is while I get the stupid stuff like being laughed at over things that happened in my childhood and bugging me about the guy I broke up with in 2002 (who I wouldn't get back with if it was a choice between him and Lord Voldemort) can get a bit much.

That's my reaction if the "tracking device" thing (which I have never believed) comes up. Anyone trying to track me wouldn't find anything of interest, unless they like looking at all the cats on the estate I like to visit because it's full of them.

[shadowkat]

Yeah, the Xmas letters, Instagram posts, and FB posts are full of people like "The Dursleys". Bragging about this. Bragging about that. It's either that or the opposite - doom and gloom - (ie. my friend committed suicide, my cat died, I almost died, etc.).
As opposed to the warts and all ones - that are more relatable.

That's my reaction if the "tracking device" thing (which I have never believed) comes up. Anyone trying to track me wouldn't find anything of interest, unless they like looking at all the cats on the estate I like to visit because it's full of them.

I'd be kind of boring myself. Also, I don't see it happening. The US is too paranoid about privacy.

[brithistorian]

I'm glad to hear you and your mom got through things.

The work situation sounds hellish - it makes me very glad I don't work in an office.

Enjoy your vacation and stay safe!

[shadowkat]

Thank you!

At the moment, I'm working remotely from home - which may well be the scenario for the foreseeable future.

So the office is basically my living room. LOL!

[brithistorian]

Working from home is probably a blessing - you don't have to see your irritating coworkers face to face! Anyway, here's hoping they get less irritating. ^_^

[shadowkat]

Thanks, it's not as bad as it looks. Most of the interaction with the nutty project managers is over the phone or by email. I rarely see them in person. And my cubicle mates...have their ups and downs. ;-)

[brithistorian]

I'm glad to hear it's not as bad as it looks! ^_^