Day #43 of year 2 of Pandemic...
Apr. 28th, 2021 08:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadowkatIt is getting better. After whining to mother, I took a walk to Prospect Park. Climbed the outlook hill, where people do weird things, like ride bikes. Honestly, there was a man with his ten year old kid riding bikes up there. I do not understand people.
Granted it is level at the very top, but there's a lot of steps to get up there, or jagged dirt paths. It's not safe.
I was depressed today and struggling with brain fog. I don't know why I keep struggling with brain fog, and am easily distracted. I've tried everything - meditate every morning, listen to music. I think I'm kind of bored or burned out?
Father apparently told mother that he's depressed. He wants to do all sorts of things - like travel, drive somewhere, see family, walk on the beach - but he feels trapped. He's healthy enough - it's just his mind that isn't right, and he knows that. And he knows it won't get any better.
I hate this. I hate this world that allows that to happen to my father. Or to anyone. I want to punch the world in the nose. Again and again and again.
Until it begs me to stop. And then one more time.
Me: Oh this is depressing, I'm identifying with my father.
Mother: yeah, I know. Me too. At least when he was home - I felt I could do things with him, keep up his quality of life - but not now.
I do identify with my Dad. I'm stuck too. Or so it seems. I've considered killing myself a few times - but I tend to agree with Dorothy Parker's take on it. Also that's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I wonder if my father considers it? Probably. Years ago, my sister-in-law talked about how lucky she was to find my brother - because her greatest fear was ending up all alone. She turned to me, and said, "Oh, sorry." (And people wonder why I don't go out of my way to visit them.)
Anywho..I decided to try to walk outside with people around sans mask. I didn't quite achieve this. In that I wore it when they were close by, and not when they weren't or not when it was clear it was a quick pass or just maybe two people or three near me, not any more than five. I did it in Prospect Park, and hiked without one. Also discovered something new about Prospect Park - you can rent citibikes now right outside the park and take a bike ride in the park. I might do that. That doesn't scare me. I can ride a bike in the park, all you have to worry about in the park is crazy people who think they are training for the Tour de France, and need to get a grip.
Waterfowl in the lake in Prospect Park, just in case you all are bored of flowers. I don't know why you'd be bored of flowers, but we've already established the fact that people bewilder me.
My period has kind of started, which most likely explains the brain fog and irritability. Translated as ...I have an overwhelming desire to smack folks at the moment. Also, I'm kind of bored and lonely. It'll pass. I just was worrying today over the fact that I'd not accomplished all that much.
I suppose it's a matter of point of view? I mean, I figured out how to cook a gluten free quiche (although I sort of already knew how to do that), grow lettuce and herbs in an aeorgarden (I think I found a way to kill the basil, and the parsely has not sprouted, also we'll see if the dill survives. If there is a way to kill a plant - I'll find it, regardless of my intentions.) Also, I finished "writing" one book. Kind of working on another. Wrote about fifty pages of it. Not bad. Should go back and revise the other one, but I'm not sure I want to do anything with it.
And I've taken a boat load of pictures. Figured out how to take photos with the iphone 11. Reconnected with folks. Made new social media friends. Bought a new coffee table, desk chair, and have managed to work remotely with no problems. Plus got a raise - through no efforts of my own, and purely through being part of a union that happens to include essential workers (ie. signal guys and conductors).
IDK. I'm still here - for good or ill. I suppose that's something?
I discovered one of the candy bars that I bought yesterday had wheat in it, so I gave it to the post office worker, who happened to be filling up the mail boxes.
Also donated money to a friend's "go fund me" fundraiser on FB - she has stage 4 breast cancer, which has meta-sized into her bones. But she's managed to scale it back by 66% with a low-chemotherapy treatment plan.
And held the door open for a women with her baby carriage. I'm trying folks.
But today, I just wanted to fall out the window and float through the sunshine.
Mother was actually in a cheery mood today. She had no clue why. My moods are like that too. I'll probably be happy tomorrow.
I take pictures of things that make me happy and share them with others. It's the little things...you know...that keep me going sometimes. Not the big ones.
Granted it is level at the very top, but there's a lot of steps to get up there, or jagged dirt paths. It's not safe.
I was depressed today and struggling with brain fog. I don't know why I keep struggling with brain fog, and am easily distracted. I've tried everything - meditate every morning, listen to music. I think I'm kind of bored or burned out?
Father apparently told mother that he's depressed. He wants to do all sorts of things - like travel, drive somewhere, see family, walk on the beach - but he feels trapped. He's healthy enough - it's just his mind that isn't right, and he knows that. And he knows it won't get any better.
I hate this. I hate this world that allows that to happen to my father. Or to anyone. I want to punch the world in the nose. Again and again and again.
Until it begs me to stop. And then one more time.
Me: Oh this is depressing, I'm identifying with my father.
Mother: yeah, I know. Me too. At least when he was home - I felt I could do things with him, keep up his quality of life - but not now.
I do identify with my Dad. I'm stuck too. Or so it seems. I've considered killing myself a few times - but I tend to agree with Dorothy Parker's take on it. Also that's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I wonder if my father considers it? Probably. Years ago, my sister-in-law talked about how lucky she was to find my brother - because her greatest fear was ending up all alone. She turned to me, and said, "Oh, sorry." (And people wonder why I don't go out of my way to visit them.)
Anywho..I decided to try to walk outside with people around sans mask. I didn't quite achieve this. In that I wore it when they were close by, and not when they weren't or not when it was clear it was a quick pass or just maybe two people or three near me, not any more than five. I did it in Prospect Park, and hiked without one. Also discovered something new about Prospect Park - you can rent citibikes now right outside the park and take a bike ride in the park. I might do that. That doesn't scare me. I can ride a bike in the park, all you have to worry about in the park is crazy people who think they are training for the Tour de France, and need to get a grip.
Waterfowl in the lake in Prospect Park, just in case you all are bored of flowers. I don't know why you'd be bored of flowers, but we've already established the fact that people bewilder me.
My period has kind of started, which most likely explains the brain fog and irritability. Translated as ...I have an overwhelming desire to smack folks at the moment. Also, I'm kind of bored and lonely. It'll pass. I just was worrying today over the fact that I'd not accomplished all that much.
I suppose it's a matter of point of view? I mean, I figured out how to cook a gluten free quiche (although I sort of already knew how to do that), grow lettuce and herbs in an aeorgarden (I think I found a way to kill the basil, and the parsely has not sprouted, also we'll see if the dill survives. If there is a way to kill a plant - I'll find it, regardless of my intentions.) Also, I finished "writing" one book. Kind of working on another. Wrote about fifty pages of it. Not bad. Should go back and revise the other one, but I'm not sure I want to do anything with it.
And I've taken a boat load of pictures. Figured out how to take photos with the iphone 11. Reconnected with folks. Made new social media friends. Bought a new coffee table, desk chair, and have managed to work remotely with no problems. Plus got a raise - through no efforts of my own, and purely through being part of a union that happens to include essential workers (ie. signal guys and conductors).
IDK. I'm still here - for good or ill. I suppose that's something?
I discovered one of the candy bars that I bought yesterday had wheat in it, so I gave it to the post office worker, who happened to be filling up the mail boxes.
Also donated money to a friend's "go fund me" fundraiser on FB - she has stage 4 breast cancer, which has meta-sized into her bones. But she's managed to scale it back by 66% with a low-chemotherapy treatment plan.
And held the door open for a women with her baby carriage. I'm trying folks.
But today, I just wanted to fall out the window and float through the sunshine.
Mother was actually in a cheery mood today. She had no clue why. My moods are like that too. I'll probably be happy tomorrow.
I take pictures of things that make me happy and share them with others. It's the little things...you know...that keep me going sometimes. Not the big ones.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-29 03:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-29 05:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-29 06:16 am (UTC)Nice ducks! But my fave is the first one, with the ancient-looking steps that seem to go nowhere, very cool!
Flowers are nice, but so is variety. And as a photographer, taking pictures of many different things tends to make you more adept at taking pictures of anything. :-)
And if you get decently respectable taking pictures of things, then there always remains the challenge of the most difficult subjects--
people. Ohh, yeah...
no subject
Date: 2021-04-29 01:27 pm (UTC)In my own planting endeavors; parsley from seed takes longer to come up, dill is finicky, and basil likes heat and sun.
Also, I was going to say that the brain fog was probably hormonal.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-29 01:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-29 01:34 pm (UTC)Great shot with the flying bird and the lovely flowers. I stopped the car yesterday to take pictures of a tree which looked so nice.
I know what you mean about the masks. I think it was Colbert or Noah who said this week that no one likes masks, but that's not true. I liked them from the start. Granted I don't have to wear them all day, so I definitely sympathize with people working physically who need to. It definitely makes that harder. But besides there being some great masks out there, seeing people wearing them provided a feeling of unity against this thing.
As it happens I went to the grocery this morning earlier than ever. A heat snap meant 84 degree weather yesterday and I didn't sleep well. At the store there were maybe a dozen shoppers but I noticed at least 3 people with no masks at all and several more who had just pulled them down. The new CDC advice about outdoor use if vaccinated is, I'm sure, quickly going to lead to a lack of indoor use as well. And as much as those people irritated before, the majority of people I saw were wearing them and doing so properly over this past year.
Fortunately now that the second shot is kicking in this was just more annoying to see than alarming. But when I take a walk I plan to have the mask anyway. For one thing, it saves on sunscreen 😉 I swear I'd dash out for quick walks more often if it didn't always feel like a production and I didn't want to wash off after.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-29 01:43 pm (UTC)I'm bad about applying sunscreen. But the mask has removed the need for makeup for the most part - which I adore. Also, I don't mind them that much. I can hide behind the things. Here, people can't enter a grocery store or pharmacy without a mask - they'd be escorted out. But we're also densely populated city - so that may be why?
It was weird yesterday, most people were still donning them. A few weren't. It was about the same as before. And I took it off then put it on and then off...LOL! I'll do the Cemetery again on Friday, I think. It's more peaceful and less people.