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shadowkatJust as I was logging in - out of the corner of my eye I see a lovely layered sunset on the Western Horizon, the rest of the sky is dark whitish gray, but at the edge of it is a window of lavender blending to pink, orange and red in a strip between the rooves of the buildings and the cloud heavy sky. As if a painter has covered an winter landscape at in only whites and grays yet at the very edge thrown in a spot or wedge of color. Transfixed - I turn quickly towards my windows to see more, forget to scoot my chair back and end up stubbing my big toe on my harddrive or computer tower. OW! OW! OW! This in a nutshell explains my relationship with my art. The more beautiful - the more painful.
Before logging in - I managed to write five more short paragraphs. The story is in my head - it's getting it on paper and into words that is the problem. If I could just paint and draw it, I might be fine. Oh it will come. I just need to get through the first hurdle and not, I repeat, not, give a fuck what anyone thinks of it at this point or even consider showing it to anyone. Just write.
Speaking of creative writting - I guess I should add my two-cents to the fanfic appreciation week. Especially since some of the folks on my flist I initially friended because I happened to love their fic. Writers should support one another and all that. After all - if we don't, who will?
Everyone else out there thinks we're crazy. What - spend an entire weekend doing nothing but typing away on some story that may or may not see an audience? May not go anywhere? Why do that? When you could be playing tennis.
Swimming. Hiking. Going to the gym. Dancing. Ah. If you are not a writer, you will never understand the high one gets when words begin to flow, story takes off and the characters actually start to speak to you. It sounds insane, I know, but there is no high like it. None. But like all natural highs - you frigging have to work for it. Sweat. Push past that barrier wall. And that's hell. Also - creative or fiction writers are considered crazier than non-fiction. People can see the point of writing a "news" article or "how-to" manual or a "history" or a "memoire" or even a travelogue. But a fictional work? A story? Please. Ages ago a writing teacher told me to only write if you feel the need to do so, actually want to - not because you think you can make a living at it. That's why I write - because of that drive. That ache. And partly because no one is telling the story I want to read or see told. I can't find it, outside of me. And my writing voice changes dependent on my moods. I wish it would stay constant - but I'm not sure that's possible. When I'm in a better, chipper mood - it's sort of this snarky conversational tone. When I'm more depressed, it gets very poetic and metaphorical.
Regarding fanfic. For me it is a guilty pleasure - for two reasons: 1) Copyright law - while allowing it on a very limited basis is generally speaking against the whole deal. (There's a loophole in the statute that permits people to play with others works as long as their play does not infringe on the other person's income from that work or infringe on their ownership of it.) So coming from that background puts me in an odd position. I feel a bit like a hypocrite or something. Now that I've move away from copyright law, I don't care so much. 2)I tend to like the erotic ones, so feel a bit like I'm sneaking Playgirl magazines or something. Hate to admit that, but there you go.
My favorite fanfics tend to be angsty and all without exception star Spike. (Except for nautibitz and mr.monkeybottoms who make me laugh and have kinky sex.) I've never read fanfic for any other tv show outside BTVS and ATS, nor feel a desire to. Cross-over's never work for me. I rarely read fanfic that does not feature Spike and when I do, rarely stay with it. Most fanfic I read -I scan for the Spike portions.
When it comes to fanfic? I admit it - I'm a diehard Spike fan. But I don't romanticize him and actually find fluffy good boyfriend Spike impossible to read and incredibly dull. Noble Spike? Also dull. Can't read it. I like complicated prickly Spike - who keeps trying and keeps failing partly due to his prickly nature. Not found of completely evil Spike either. Extremes annoy me. Nor do I like fics where Spike is good and Buffy is bad, or Xander/Willow/Giles/Angel etc are bashed in favor of uplifting Spike - bores me and I end up rolling my eyes in impatience. Or for that matter the reverse. What I like about William/Spike is his complications. Exploring those complications, particularly the prickly ones. In creating this character James Marsters and the ME writers managed to create in my humble opinion one of the most complex characters in the BTVS/ATS verse. Marsters performances were always incredibly layered and raw. It was the perfect marriage between writer and performer. I never knew what Spike would do next - yet everything he did, made perfect sense.
Unfortunately he was not the star of either show, but a supporting player - which meant I never got enough of his story. I got loads of gaps. Even his relationships with Dru, Harmony, Buffy and everyone else on the shows was filled with gaps. We would see bits and pieces of them. And this was a character that resonated for me. One that I had hunted in stories, written about myself off and on, but never quite got what I wanted. What was it about him that resonated? The failed artist. The poet who desperately wanted his peers approval, never got it, and decided screw them, they aren't worth a hill of beans anyways. That frustration of trying to get what you want, never quite getting it, but never giving up and having a sense of humor about it. Snarking. Letting go of the past and concentrating on the here and now.
Because you can't frigging change the past anyways. All you can do is learn from it. And say what you will about Spike, he did learn.
At any rate - unable to get what I wanted from the shows, feeling somewhat unsatisfied in the relationships between Spike and the other characters - I went to fanfic.
My favorites or the one's I still remember are:
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herself_nyc story "Whatever She Deserves", "Loving Kindness", and
I also have a fondness for portions of "Disenchantment", the beginning section, up to the part that vampire Nick and Dru die, in "Where They Have To
Take You In". But my favorite and the one I still vividly remember is "Whatever She Deserves" and it's the one I'd recommend reading. Warning there is quite a bit of graphic sex and slash. Also it's angsty.
wisteria story - "98 Degrees", and the story she wrote that took place directly after Grave, where Buffy and Spike go to the hotel and I can't for the life of me remember the name of.
automatedalice story - Half-Gifts. It's an unfinished WIP but very good and poetic. Also erotic. My favorite part is actually the non-sexual bits, the conversations between Buffy and Spike in the very beginning, Willow and Spike, Giles and Spike. She manages to satisfy something for me that wasn't satisfied in the show - with the Giles/Spike, Willow/Spike scenarios.
deadsoul story Sunday Girl. What she does with this character is riveting. And there's some nice kinky sex.
Chase (whose live journal icon I can't remember offhand, sorry) - did one on
Spuffy during S6 that I adored. Was it Thrall? I think it was Thrall.
Then there's the really painful retelling of S6 - where the Troika actually figure out how to access Spike's chip, but I can't remember the author.
The story by red something called Summer Son that she never quite finished.
That felt like reading an oddly poetic version of Wuthering Heights meets Summer of 42 (except in the 50s).
nautibitz - I friended for her fic. Her fic is naughty and makes me laugh. She reminds me a bit of Mr Monkeybottoms. Two writers who don't take themselves too seriously.
There was also a Spander fic, that I can't remember the name of, that was written as livejournal entries - had a title that had Days in it.... And a journal by Spike before he died in Chosen.
What usually turns me off during a story - is Buffy deciding to or having a baby. It annoys me. And feels off somehow. I can't see this character going there. And the writers often use it as a short-cut to deal with relationship problems, which unnerves me. If there's anyone who shouldn't have a kid - it's Buffy. Yet, so many writers do it. So many times I'll be engrossed in a story, and whammo, Buffy gets pregnant, and I'm out of the tale. Lost me. Very seldom does it work for me.
Slash?It fascinates me. I've read the male/male. And I've enjoyed Spike/Angel and Spike/Xander. I know weird. Have no idea why.
Ships? I'll read S/B, S/Faith, S/Angel, S/Xander. Non-sexual ships: Dawn/Spike, Spike/Giles, Spike/Willow, Spike/Fred, Spike/Wesely, Spike/Gunn.
Spike/Xander, Spike/Angel, Spike/Buffy, Spike/Oz, Spike/Tara. (For the oddest reason I can't read Tara/Spike or Willow/Spike sex fic, doesn't work for me.)
I won't read fanfic that Spike isn't in. No interest. Sorry. Nor am I interested in fanfic that features made-up characters with Spike, or where Spike is a supporting character to Angel. Angel as a character in fic that simply doesn't interest me, because I was never unsatisfied with what I got on screen. The ME writers gave me everything I ever wanted to know about the character and then some. The only thing I didn't get enough of with Angel - was the details of his past with Spike and their relationship - I wanted more of that. Also for some odd reason the only Angel ship I like to read in fanfic is Angel/spike - not sure why. Maybe because Boreanze had the best on-screen chemistry with Marsters in my opinion? Shrugs.
Now? Read little fanfic, if any. No time. Only read it here and there, if someone comes up with something I'm hunting, a new twist on Spike, something that I wanted to see explored and didn't - then I read. But I don't hunt for the fics, like I used to.
Okay must go and get myself some dinner. Tomorrow...I turn 38. Don't dread it any more. Feeling sort of oddly chipper actually.
My New Year's Eve is tonight I suppose. Although according to my mother I was born at 8pm. Any astrologers out there? 8pm, Evanston, Illinois, March 9, 1967. Double Piceses. Moon and Sun, I think. Which may or may not explain a lot. What am I doing for it? Scheduled a massauge from a Chinese masseuse at 6pm, after work, and dinner with Wales. Assuming the weather doesn't discourage us, too much. Ugh. It's March, can winter please be over now?
Before logging in - I managed to write five more short paragraphs. The story is in my head - it's getting it on paper and into words that is the problem. If I could just paint and draw it, I might be fine. Oh it will come. I just need to get through the first hurdle and not, I repeat, not, give a fuck what anyone thinks of it at this point or even consider showing it to anyone. Just write.
Speaking of creative writting - I guess I should add my two-cents to the fanfic appreciation week. Especially since some of the folks on my flist I initially friended because I happened to love their fic. Writers should support one another and all that. After all - if we don't, who will?
Everyone else out there thinks we're crazy. What - spend an entire weekend doing nothing but typing away on some story that may or may not see an audience? May not go anywhere? Why do that? When you could be playing tennis.
Swimming. Hiking. Going to the gym. Dancing. Ah. If you are not a writer, you will never understand the high one gets when words begin to flow, story takes off and the characters actually start to speak to you. It sounds insane, I know, but there is no high like it. None. But like all natural highs - you frigging have to work for it. Sweat. Push past that barrier wall. And that's hell. Also - creative or fiction writers are considered crazier than non-fiction. People can see the point of writing a "news" article or "how-to" manual or a "history" or a "memoire" or even a travelogue. But a fictional work? A story? Please. Ages ago a writing teacher told me to only write if you feel the need to do so, actually want to - not because you think you can make a living at it. That's why I write - because of that drive. That ache. And partly because no one is telling the story I want to read or see told. I can't find it, outside of me. And my writing voice changes dependent on my moods. I wish it would stay constant - but I'm not sure that's possible. When I'm in a better, chipper mood - it's sort of this snarky conversational tone. When I'm more depressed, it gets very poetic and metaphorical.
Regarding fanfic. For me it is a guilty pleasure - for two reasons: 1) Copyright law - while allowing it on a very limited basis is generally speaking against the whole deal. (There's a loophole in the statute that permits people to play with others works as long as their play does not infringe on the other person's income from that work or infringe on their ownership of it.) So coming from that background puts me in an odd position. I feel a bit like a hypocrite or something. Now that I've move away from copyright law, I don't care so much. 2)I tend to like the erotic ones, so feel a bit like I'm sneaking Playgirl magazines or something. Hate to admit that, but there you go.
My favorite fanfics tend to be angsty and all without exception star Spike. (Except for nautibitz and mr.monkeybottoms who make me laugh and have kinky sex.) I've never read fanfic for any other tv show outside BTVS and ATS, nor feel a desire to. Cross-over's never work for me. I rarely read fanfic that does not feature Spike and when I do, rarely stay with it. Most fanfic I read -I scan for the Spike portions.
When it comes to fanfic? I admit it - I'm a diehard Spike fan. But I don't romanticize him and actually find fluffy good boyfriend Spike impossible to read and incredibly dull. Noble Spike? Also dull. Can't read it. I like complicated prickly Spike - who keeps trying and keeps failing partly due to his prickly nature. Not found of completely evil Spike either. Extremes annoy me. Nor do I like fics where Spike is good and Buffy is bad, or Xander/Willow/Giles/Angel etc are bashed in favor of uplifting Spike - bores me and I end up rolling my eyes in impatience. Or for that matter the reverse. What I like about William/Spike is his complications. Exploring those complications, particularly the prickly ones. In creating this character James Marsters and the ME writers managed to create in my humble opinion one of the most complex characters in the BTVS/ATS verse. Marsters performances were always incredibly layered and raw. It was the perfect marriage between writer and performer. I never knew what Spike would do next - yet everything he did, made perfect sense.
Unfortunately he was not the star of either show, but a supporting player - which meant I never got enough of his story. I got loads of gaps. Even his relationships with Dru, Harmony, Buffy and everyone else on the shows was filled with gaps. We would see bits and pieces of them. And this was a character that resonated for me. One that I had hunted in stories, written about myself off and on, but never quite got what I wanted. What was it about him that resonated? The failed artist. The poet who desperately wanted his peers approval, never got it, and decided screw them, they aren't worth a hill of beans anyways. That frustration of trying to get what you want, never quite getting it, but never giving up and having a sense of humor about it. Snarking. Letting go of the past and concentrating on the here and now.
Because you can't frigging change the past anyways. All you can do is learn from it. And say what you will about Spike, he did learn.
At any rate - unable to get what I wanted from the shows, feeling somewhat unsatisfied in the relationships between Spike and the other characters - I went to fanfic.
My favorites or the one's I still remember are:
herself_nyc story "Whatever She Deserves", "Loving Kindness", andI also have a fondness for portions of "Disenchantment", the beginning section, up to the part that vampire Nick and Dru die, in "Where They Have To
Take You In". But my favorite and the one I still vividly remember is "Whatever She Deserves" and it's the one I'd recommend reading. Warning there is quite a bit of graphic sex and slash. Also it's angsty.
wisteria story - "98 Degrees", and the story she wrote that took place directly after Grave, where Buffy and Spike go to the hotel and I can't for the life of me remember the name of.automatedalice story - Half-Gifts. It's an unfinished WIP but very good and poetic. Also erotic. My favorite part is actually the non-sexual bits, the conversations between Buffy and Spike in the very beginning, Willow and Spike, Giles and Spike. She manages to satisfy something for me that wasn't satisfied in the show - with the Giles/Spike, Willow/Spike scenarios.deadsoul story Sunday Girl. What she does with this character is riveting. And there's some nice kinky sex.Chase (whose live journal icon I can't remember offhand, sorry) - did one on
Spuffy during S6 that I adored. Was it Thrall? I think it was Thrall.
Then there's the really painful retelling of S6 - where the Troika actually figure out how to access Spike's chip, but I can't remember the author.
The story by red something called Summer Son that she never quite finished.
That felt like reading an oddly poetic version of Wuthering Heights meets Summer of 42 (except in the 50s).
nautibitz - I friended for her fic. Her fic is naughty and makes me laugh. She reminds me a bit of Mr Monkeybottoms. Two writers who don't take themselves too seriously.There was also a Spander fic, that I can't remember the name of, that was written as livejournal entries - had a title that had Days in it.... And a journal by Spike before he died in Chosen.
What usually turns me off during a story - is Buffy deciding to or having a baby. It annoys me. And feels off somehow. I can't see this character going there. And the writers often use it as a short-cut to deal with relationship problems, which unnerves me. If there's anyone who shouldn't have a kid - it's Buffy. Yet, so many writers do it. So many times I'll be engrossed in a story, and whammo, Buffy gets pregnant, and I'm out of the tale. Lost me. Very seldom does it work for me.
Slash?It fascinates me. I've read the male/male. And I've enjoyed Spike/Angel and Spike/Xander. I know weird. Have no idea why.
Ships? I'll read S/B, S/Faith, S/Angel, S/Xander. Non-sexual ships: Dawn/Spike, Spike/Giles, Spike/Willow, Spike/Fred, Spike/Wesely, Spike/Gunn.
Spike/Xander, Spike/Angel, Spike/Buffy, Spike/Oz, Spike/Tara. (For the oddest reason I can't read Tara/Spike or Willow/Spike sex fic, doesn't work for me.)
I won't read fanfic that Spike isn't in. No interest. Sorry. Nor am I interested in fanfic that features made-up characters with Spike, or where Spike is a supporting character to Angel. Angel as a character in fic that simply doesn't interest me, because I was never unsatisfied with what I got on screen. The ME writers gave me everything I ever wanted to know about the character and then some. The only thing I didn't get enough of with Angel - was the details of his past with Spike and their relationship - I wanted more of that. Also for some odd reason the only Angel ship I like to read in fanfic is Angel/spike - not sure why. Maybe because Boreanze had the best on-screen chemistry with Marsters in my opinion? Shrugs.
Now? Read little fanfic, if any. No time. Only read it here and there, if someone comes up with something I'm hunting, a new twist on Spike, something that I wanted to see explored and didn't - then I read. But I don't hunt for the fics, like I used to.
Okay must go and get myself some dinner. Tomorrow...I turn 38. Don't dread it any more. Feeling sort of oddly chipper actually.
My New Year's Eve is tonight I suppose. Although according to my mother I was born at 8pm. Any astrologers out there? 8pm, Evanston, Illinois, March 9, 1967. Double Piceses. Moon and Sun, I think. Which may or may not explain a lot. What am I doing for it? Scheduled a massauge from a Chinese masseuse at 6pm, after work, and dinner with Wales. Assuming the weather doesn't discourage us, too much. Ugh. It's March, can winter please be over now?
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no subject
Date: 2005-03-11 04:45 pm (UTC)It just doesn't grip me. I keep trying. I keep losing interest. They are wrestling with some interesting concepts, but I'm just not interested in the same characters they are. Which makes me feel horribly guilty. But there you go.