The State of Me, and self-help books...
Apr. 15th, 2023 10:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadowkat1. Ugh, IBS. It resulted in cleaning my joggers in the sink tonight. I'm trying to figure out what disagreed...also difficult. Could be medication related. Hard to know. Have had digestive issues two weekends in a row. Oh well, at least it's not during the work week - small miracles.
2. Accomplished quite a bit today...
* Made bed up clean
* called mother
* cleared out closet of clothes, pulling out winter clothes, and putting in more spring and summer. Also arranged and organized them. Still have to organize the shelves and get rid of the stuff in the bottom of the closet. But baby steps. Took three hours just doing the clothing portion.
* Finished another watercolor, which turned out okay - I had issues with one of the hands. (I have troubles with hands and faces in watercolors, also feet, which I just leave off the paintings so far.) Managed to get around it by lengthing the sleeve which kind of works and kind of doesn't.
* Watched television
Didn't manage to get a walk in, or work on my book - but at least I was off the internet and computer for 90% of the day.
3. Listened to self-help/psychological audiobooks.
A. Finished I thought it was just me (it isn't): Perfectionism, Ego and Shame..by Brene Brown - which ended on an interesting note, after two chapters of woman talking about being shamed as mothers or in divorces.
[Although there was an interesting chapter in the midst of that on "labeling and stereotyping" and the dangers of both. I'd agree. Brown kind of reiterates the following: Someone's sexual orientation doesn't tell you anything about them but the fact that they sexually prefer a specific or non-specific gender to have sex with. Nothing else. I've met and know men who are effeminate, and theaterical, who are not gay, and I know men who are as macho as they come who are. Same with women, I know women who are very macho or butch (if you prefer) who aren't lesbians, and women who are very feminine who are. You can't tell unless they tell you - or by who they are sexually attracted to. Also there are Trump supporters who are gay, conservative Republicans, etc. Same deal with say Catholics - all that tells you is they practice the Catholic religion NOTHING else. Or Jews - all it tells you is they either practice the religion or consider themselves ethnically Jewish - that's it. The John Wayne Conservative stereotype isn't necessarily true. Just because someone is conservative, doesn't mean they voted for Trump or are anti-abortion - they may be a fiscal conservative.
Reading more into it than that - without additional information, while tempting, is stupid.
I know - because I've met these folks. I know Jews who are practicing Christians. And Catholics who only go to church each Sunday, but don't believe the rest of it.
The Universe has managed with ironic glee to explode every stereotype or generalization I've ever had. And continues to do so. Making assumptions about people based on stereotypes or generalizations or one item about them, makes you look like an idiot. Our perceptions often are lies. Question everything. Always.]
Apparently Brown had focused most of her research on women. But towards the end of her book and research on Shame, she talked to men. And discovered a pattern. The men she interviewed told her that they needed to stay fit so they could kick anyone who shamed them - ass."What if someone shames me or disses me? I kick their ass."
She asked them various questions...
*. How do you view yourself physically?
Response: I need to be fit so I can kick people's ass.
*. How do you view yourself as a father?
Response: If you say anything about anyone I love or hurt them - I will kick your ass.
They couldn't show signs of weakness, not emotional and certainly not physical. In short - they are emotionally beaten up. Not that women aren't as well - but less so, women are permitted to be emotional, and negotiate emotion. Men? It's a sign of weakness. Power - physical and mental, is revered. They get shamed if they show weakness, particularly emotional weakness.
I found that interesting. Although not anything new. I saw that in the Buffy fandom. Various male and female fans revered Angel because he didn't show weakness, and assumed Spike was gay because he did, or he was more feminine in some respects not macho. Bulky was better. Big and tall - revered. When they were told that they had to take their shirts off - they bulked up, they had to show physical strength, defined abs, the ability to well "kick your ass".
It's an interesting listen, and I do recommend, but with the following caveat - it does get a little repetitive in places, also she kind of generalizes. Plus a lot of focus on wives, mothers, and parenting or divorce - which I found to be tiresome, you might not.
B. Started...the audiobook - Take Control of Your Life: How to Silence Fear and Win the Mental Game by Mel Robbins" ( a life coach and motivational speaker). I was admittedly wary. But she surprised me. In the first chapter she makes two-three salient points:
i.) You aren't going to find your passion outside of yourself. We all feel passionate about things all the time. Passion is basically - being happy and eager to get up and go to the office to get work done. Or feeling energized about something. It doesn't last - you may feel energized one year, then get a horrible micromanager the next and not feel it at all.
Or you might feel passionate about someone you are dating, then a year later feel annoyed by all the things that you'd been into the year before. Or you may feel passionate about a television show, then not the next year.
Passion is inside you. And to feel it, you go with what energizes you. And you do it slowly. If you are too busy, you won't find it. She also states that passions change. For example, she wanted to be a speaker - and managed to do the most speaking tours of anyone in one year - then suddenly realized she didn't want it anymore. She didn't enjoy being in hotel rooms. She didn't like being away from her family. So she figured out that there was another way - that she could repurpose it as audio books - still help people - just do it from home, without the travel. Because she knew passion is inside us and not isolated to one thing or place or person, she was able to do this, otherwise she'd have had a crisis.
All you need to do to find what you are passionate about - is to ask yourself what drains you, and what energizes you? What excites you? What do you "enjoy"? It can be anything. Taking a walk. Hiking. Counting money. Sewing. Cooking.
ii. Brick by Brick. There's a tendency to look at something we really want to try or do, and talk ourselves out of it - because we see it all at once. It's this huge thing. And slowly becomes a huge monstrous thing. And then we run from it. In the book - a guy states he always wanted to own and run a wine store. Mel gets him to break it down - and he realizes he likes to learn knew things, wine excites him, and it excites him to teach others about it - and he's afraid he'll die with regrets. (He's 36). She tells him to slow down, do it brick by brick. Talk to a wine distributor or get a part time job at a wine store. If he does it this way - she can guarantee him that he'll start running into people opening doors for him - but he may well end up in a completely different spot than he originally intended. This may be plan A - but he'll end up with plan W. She gives an example of hating her legal job, and wanting to own a coffee shop. So she took a part time job at a coffee shop and discovered that she hated it. What she wanted was the community atmosphere of the coffee shop and the ability to drink coffee without paying for it or being rushed. Also having her own schedule.
iii. Don't overthink it. The fear comes in when we overthink something. Don't think, just do. And we all having coping mechanisms to deal with fear - once you figure out what it is, you can combat it. (Mine is shutting down and hiding or running away from it. I'll hibernate, binge or stress eat, watch tv, escape into a book. Become a kind of hermit. Mel's is - running away from it. Having a panic attack and fleeing, with the hopes that someone will reassure her and save her. She had to combat that. The guy in the first example - dealt with his fear by being very busy and overthinking. He'd do, do, do.) When we look at it all at once - it will overwhelm us and scare us. Don't think about it, do it. Also when the fear sets in - slow down, and breath.
Her points resonated, mainly because they echo the advice of the Headspace App Meditation Specialists. And others I've spoken with, and my own experience. This is what has worked for me.
She has a workbook that is free of charge at her website - melrobbins.com.
**
4. The Artist's Way is into magazines, collages, and lists. Clearly was written in the 1990s. Back then we had magazines. Finding magazines is kind of hard. I mainly found National Geographic - which doesn't quite work for the exercise.
It did however have an interesting exercise regarding Jealousy (although I think she means Envy...but whatever).
The Jealousy Map.
When you feel jealous of someone else, ask yourself why, then do something about it.
Who WHy Combat it
Aunt L She is becoming an illustrator Start watercoloring and
children's books drawing
Cameron states when she dug into her jealousy - she realized it was actually helpful, it told her what she was passionate about or needed to do. For example, she stated she was never jealous of novelists, but she was jealous of play writes. So she realized she needed to start writing plays.
My brother is in Martha's Vineyard with his family this weekend. I'm jealous. But not of him being in Martha's Vineyard, but of the vacation. I want to go somewhere. So I need to plan a vacation somewhere. It won't be exact, but close.
I was jealous of Gabe, my sister-in-law and my brother - but why? They were doing their art, or hobbies. I needed to make space and time for my own, once I did? I was no longer jealous of them.
It's a great trick and quite insightful. Negative emotions can teach us interesting things about ourselves - if we know how to read them.
A lot of the exercises do not work for me, so I ignore them. I did however clear out my closet. It has a lot of those exercises. Clearing away things. Also a lot of vision boarding - which I'm not sure works for me. Nor is the morning pages - journal writing, mainly because I have this one? And I've found I'm less likely to rant or whine if I know someone is reading it? Or for that matter just ramble.
Does ask me to list my favorite movies. Clearly a flim maker. Also into frigging lists.
I honestly don't know. I always list the ones I'm willing to see multiple times or have seen multiple times. So remember.
Let's see...in no particular order
1. Star Wars
2. Empire Strikes Back
3. Raiders of the Lost Arc
4. LadyHawk
5. Gross Point Blank
6. His Girl Friday
7. West Side Story
8. BladeRunner
9. Noises Off
10. Lawrence of Arabia
It's kind of embarrassing to list them, because most of my favs are hardly classics that film critics love.
Asks to dig down into why I love them. But I've never been certain. I think it's a combination of romance, and adventure and witty dialogue? (shrugs)
Going to try to go to bed now - that I think my stomach and digestive track has finally settled down.
2. Accomplished quite a bit today...
* Made bed up clean
* called mother
* cleared out closet of clothes, pulling out winter clothes, and putting in more spring and summer. Also arranged and organized them. Still have to organize the shelves and get rid of the stuff in the bottom of the closet. But baby steps. Took three hours just doing the clothing portion.
* Finished another watercolor, which turned out okay - I had issues with one of the hands. (I have troubles with hands and faces in watercolors, also feet, which I just leave off the paintings so far.) Managed to get around it by lengthing the sleeve which kind of works and kind of doesn't.
* Watched television
Didn't manage to get a walk in, or work on my book - but at least I was off the internet and computer for 90% of the day.
3. Listened to self-help/psychological audiobooks.
A. Finished I thought it was just me (it isn't): Perfectionism, Ego and Shame..by Brene Brown - which ended on an interesting note, after two chapters of woman talking about being shamed as mothers or in divorces.
[Although there was an interesting chapter in the midst of that on "labeling and stereotyping" and the dangers of both. I'd agree. Brown kind of reiterates the following: Someone's sexual orientation doesn't tell you anything about them but the fact that they sexually prefer a specific or non-specific gender to have sex with. Nothing else. I've met and know men who are effeminate, and theaterical, who are not gay, and I know men who are as macho as they come who are. Same with women, I know women who are very macho or butch (if you prefer) who aren't lesbians, and women who are very feminine who are. You can't tell unless they tell you - or by who they are sexually attracted to. Also there are Trump supporters who are gay, conservative Republicans, etc. Same deal with say Catholics - all that tells you is they practice the Catholic religion NOTHING else. Or Jews - all it tells you is they either practice the religion or consider themselves ethnically Jewish - that's it. The John Wayne Conservative stereotype isn't necessarily true. Just because someone is conservative, doesn't mean they voted for Trump or are anti-abortion - they may be a fiscal conservative.
Reading more into it than that - without additional information, while tempting, is stupid.
I know - because I've met these folks. I know Jews who are practicing Christians. And Catholics who only go to church each Sunday, but don't believe the rest of it.
The Universe has managed with ironic glee to explode every stereotype or generalization I've ever had. And continues to do so. Making assumptions about people based on stereotypes or generalizations or one item about them, makes you look like an idiot. Our perceptions often are lies. Question everything. Always.]
Apparently Brown had focused most of her research on women. But towards the end of her book and research on Shame, she talked to men. And discovered a pattern. The men she interviewed told her that they needed to stay fit so they could kick anyone who shamed them - ass."What if someone shames me or disses me? I kick their ass."
She asked them various questions...
*. How do you view yourself physically?
Response: I need to be fit so I can kick people's ass.
*. How do you view yourself as a father?
Response: If you say anything about anyone I love or hurt them - I will kick your ass.
They couldn't show signs of weakness, not emotional and certainly not physical. In short - they are emotionally beaten up. Not that women aren't as well - but less so, women are permitted to be emotional, and negotiate emotion. Men? It's a sign of weakness. Power - physical and mental, is revered. They get shamed if they show weakness, particularly emotional weakness.
I found that interesting. Although not anything new. I saw that in the Buffy fandom. Various male and female fans revered Angel because he didn't show weakness, and assumed Spike was gay because he did, or he was more feminine in some respects not macho. Bulky was better. Big and tall - revered. When they were told that they had to take their shirts off - they bulked up, they had to show physical strength, defined abs, the ability to well "kick your ass".
It's an interesting listen, and I do recommend, but with the following caveat - it does get a little repetitive in places, also she kind of generalizes. Plus a lot of focus on wives, mothers, and parenting or divorce - which I found to be tiresome, you might not.
B. Started...the audiobook - Take Control of Your Life: How to Silence Fear and Win the Mental Game by Mel Robbins" ( a life coach and motivational speaker). I was admittedly wary. But she surprised me. In the first chapter she makes two-three salient points:
i.) You aren't going to find your passion outside of yourself. We all feel passionate about things all the time. Passion is basically - being happy and eager to get up and go to the office to get work done. Or feeling energized about something. It doesn't last - you may feel energized one year, then get a horrible micromanager the next and not feel it at all.
Or you might feel passionate about someone you are dating, then a year later feel annoyed by all the things that you'd been into the year before. Or you may feel passionate about a television show, then not the next year.
Passion is inside you. And to feel it, you go with what energizes you. And you do it slowly. If you are too busy, you won't find it. She also states that passions change. For example, she wanted to be a speaker - and managed to do the most speaking tours of anyone in one year - then suddenly realized she didn't want it anymore. She didn't enjoy being in hotel rooms. She didn't like being away from her family. So she figured out that there was another way - that she could repurpose it as audio books - still help people - just do it from home, without the travel. Because she knew passion is inside us and not isolated to one thing or place or person, she was able to do this, otherwise she'd have had a crisis.
All you need to do to find what you are passionate about - is to ask yourself what drains you, and what energizes you? What excites you? What do you "enjoy"? It can be anything. Taking a walk. Hiking. Counting money. Sewing. Cooking.
ii. Brick by Brick. There's a tendency to look at something we really want to try or do, and talk ourselves out of it - because we see it all at once. It's this huge thing. And slowly becomes a huge monstrous thing. And then we run from it. In the book - a guy states he always wanted to own and run a wine store. Mel gets him to break it down - and he realizes he likes to learn knew things, wine excites him, and it excites him to teach others about it - and he's afraid he'll die with regrets. (He's 36). She tells him to slow down, do it brick by brick. Talk to a wine distributor or get a part time job at a wine store. If he does it this way - she can guarantee him that he'll start running into people opening doors for him - but he may well end up in a completely different spot than he originally intended. This may be plan A - but he'll end up with plan W. She gives an example of hating her legal job, and wanting to own a coffee shop. So she took a part time job at a coffee shop and discovered that she hated it. What she wanted was the community atmosphere of the coffee shop and the ability to drink coffee without paying for it or being rushed. Also having her own schedule.
iii. Don't overthink it. The fear comes in when we overthink something. Don't think, just do. And we all having coping mechanisms to deal with fear - once you figure out what it is, you can combat it. (Mine is shutting down and hiding or running away from it. I'll hibernate, binge or stress eat, watch tv, escape into a book. Become a kind of hermit. Mel's is - running away from it. Having a panic attack and fleeing, with the hopes that someone will reassure her and save her. She had to combat that. The guy in the first example - dealt with his fear by being very busy and overthinking. He'd do, do, do.) When we look at it all at once - it will overwhelm us and scare us. Don't think about it, do it. Also when the fear sets in - slow down, and breath.
Her points resonated, mainly because they echo the advice of the Headspace App Meditation Specialists. And others I've spoken with, and my own experience. This is what has worked for me.
She has a workbook that is free of charge at her website - melrobbins.com.
**
4. The Artist's Way is into magazines, collages, and lists. Clearly was written in the 1990s. Back then we had magazines. Finding magazines is kind of hard. I mainly found National Geographic - which doesn't quite work for the exercise.
It did however have an interesting exercise regarding Jealousy (although I think she means Envy...but whatever).
The Jealousy Map.
When you feel jealous of someone else, ask yourself why, then do something about it.
Who WHy Combat it
Aunt L She is becoming an illustrator Start watercoloring and
children's books drawing
Cameron states when she dug into her jealousy - she realized it was actually helpful, it told her what she was passionate about or needed to do. For example, she stated she was never jealous of novelists, but she was jealous of play writes. So she realized she needed to start writing plays.
My brother is in Martha's Vineyard with his family this weekend. I'm jealous. But not of him being in Martha's Vineyard, but of the vacation. I want to go somewhere. So I need to plan a vacation somewhere. It won't be exact, but close.
I was jealous of Gabe, my sister-in-law and my brother - but why? They were doing their art, or hobbies. I needed to make space and time for my own, once I did? I was no longer jealous of them.
It's a great trick and quite insightful. Negative emotions can teach us interesting things about ourselves - if we know how to read them.
A lot of the exercises do not work for me, so I ignore them. I did however clear out my closet. It has a lot of those exercises. Clearing away things. Also a lot of vision boarding - which I'm not sure works for me. Nor is the morning pages - journal writing, mainly because I have this one? And I've found I'm less likely to rant or whine if I know someone is reading it? Or for that matter just ramble.
Does ask me to list my favorite movies. Clearly a flim maker. Also into frigging lists.
I honestly don't know. I always list the ones I'm willing to see multiple times or have seen multiple times. So remember.
Let's see...in no particular order
1. Star Wars
2. Empire Strikes Back
3. Raiders of the Lost Arc
4. LadyHawk
5. Gross Point Blank
6. His Girl Friday
7. West Side Story
8. BladeRunner
9. Noises Off
10. Lawrence of Arabia
It's kind of embarrassing to list them, because most of my favs are hardly classics that film critics love.
Asks to dig down into why I love them. But I've never been certain. I think it's a combination of romance, and adventure and witty dialogue? (shrugs)
Going to try to go to bed now - that I think my stomach and digestive track has finally settled down.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-16 05:03 pm (UTC)ee is small, about 5'4 and is never talking about kicking asses.
My husband, only talks about biking faster than other people, this is very important to him.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-17 12:34 am (UTC)Yeah, it seems to be more of a big guy thing? Although I wouldn't count out the little guy...
no subject
Date: 2023-04-16 06:39 pm (UTC)More than baby steps, you got plenty done, yay for you. The total may be plenty but you pushed through a good chunk so it's notable progress. I just got some long-overdue filing done this afternoon.
I just rewatched last night and was reminded of how nicely the end leads into the next. I certainly disagree with critics about various movies but even more about books.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-17 12:37 am (UTC)Interesting about the difference between UK and US, mainly because Prince Harry stated in his book that he found men could be more honest and emote more in the US than the UK. But this may also be in regards to Prince Harry - I mean he may be able to emote more in the US than the UK for well, obvious reasons.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-18 07:56 pm (UTC)In the US, though I don't know, my suspicion is that Prince Harry's spending more time among the metropolitan elite and Meghan's West Coast media friends than, say, rural red-state folk, that has to make a large cultural difference too in social expectations.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-19 12:08 pm (UTC)Agreed. The memoir supports that. They really haven't spent any time with "middle class" Americans. Upper middle and wealthy, yes. And mainly the "liberal" wealthy. Who are like-minded. So he doesn't really know what the US is like or that it is just as racist as Britain. Just differently. Also the US media is nuts too - again it's just different. One isn't necessarily better than the other - they are just different.
But I can see why he might find the American class system preferable to Britain's at times - we don't have the aristocracy, and folks like Megan are more accepted among the elite in the US (because hello, Oprah and the Obamas not to mention, the new wealth of the Kardishians). Plus, the US press is easier in some respects to evade or get around - since it's busy with bigger fish. It's mainly the difference between being a big fish in a small pound, and a big fish in an Ocean with loads of other big and bigger fish. The Royals aren't as big a deal in the US. Most of the people in the US don't care.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-20 04:49 am (UTC)