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I don't want sympathy..I want kindness
Nov. 30th, 2018 08:23 pmBeen thinking about this for a while today.
I learned a few years ago that sooner or later, the Universe puts us on the opposite side of every conversation we've ever had. Several months back, someone got angry at me for giving "advice" when what they wanted was empathy and compassion. They in fact told me that they didn't want "sympathy".
But we're taught to give it. And it can be destructive.
Here's a good video explaining the difference, all the others I looked at -- made me want to smack the person doing the video.
Example:
"My sister is in the hospital, we're close but live very far apart. I'm so worried about her."
Compassion: I'm so sorry. How can I help? And please know I'm here. Let me know if there is anything you need. Hugs.
Empathy: I know what you are going through and feel for you. Went through something similar myself.
Sympathy: Well why don't you fly out to your sister, she'd want to see you. Hello.
Sympathy will either give unasked for advice, try to fix it, or cancel it out as not important. Sympathy -- is when you make it about you and are feeling "pity" for the other person, but the feeling is laced with judgement. [ETA: Sympathy is the providing of advice without first understanding someone's situation and what their needs are.]
Compassion will try to help but by asking what the other person needs. And if they need help, without giving advice. [ETA: actually, I'm wrong here -- you do provide advice, but it is with understanding of what the other person needs. Understanding is the key component.]
Empathy is when you climb down into the hole with the person, feel their pain and reach out to hug them. "Oh, I know what it is like to live so far away, it's really painful. I feel for you."[ETA: Empathy is understanding but you don't do anything or provide any advice.]
Sympathy, unfortunately, is the one most of us use on a daily basis without realizing it. It's the easiest and what we've been taught. It requires nothing from us. And at the same time makes us feel good about ourselves, often at the cost of the one in pain or without helping or comforting them at all.
I have fallen down the sympathy hole more than once, and it has distanced me from people. I've learned in the last few years, that no one wants advice, unless they directly ask for it. And no one wants pity. Or charity. What they want is kindness and comfort.
When my mother's calls me about my Dad, she wants me to listen and to comfort her. Not to provide advice, and not to question. You'd think that would be easy, right? But we want to fix things. Make it better. We don't quite know how to comfort.
I see it a lot online as well, whether it be on this platform, Twitter, or FB or something else -- where people are offering sympathy not empathy or compassion. They tell the poor person what to do without knowing the whole situation and superimposing their own experience and judgement onto them.
I learned a few years ago that sooner or later, the Universe puts us on the opposite side of every conversation we've ever had. Several months back, someone got angry at me for giving "advice" when what they wanted was empathy and compassion. They in fact told me that they didn't want "sympathy".
But we're taught to give it. And it can be destructive.
Here's a good video explaining the difference, all the others I looked at -- made me want to smack the person doing the video.
Example:
"My sister is in the hospital, we're close but live very far apart. I'm so worried about her."
Compassion: I'm so sorry. How can I help? And please know I'm here. Let me know if there is anything you need. Hugs.
Empathy: I know what you are going through and feel for you. Went through something similar myself.
Sympathy: Well why don't you fly out to your sister, she'd want to see you. Hello.
Sympathy will either give unasked for advice, try to fix it, or cancel it out as not important. Sympathy -- is when you make it about you and are feeling "pity" for the other person, but the feeling is laced with judgement. [ETA: Sympathy is the providing of advice without first understanding someone's situation and what their needs are.]
Compassion will try to help but by asking what the other person needs. And if they need help, without giving advice. [ETA: actually, I'm wrong here -- you do provide advice, but it is with understanding of what the other person needs. Understanding is the key component.]
Empathy is when you climb down into the hole with the person, feel their pain and reach out to hug them. "Oh, I know what it is like to live so far away, it's really painful. I feel for you."[ETA: Empathy is understanding but you don't do anything or provide any advice.]
Sympathy, unfortunately, is the one most of us use on a daily basis without realizing it. It's the easiest and what we've been taught. It requires nothing from us. And at the same time makes us feel good about ourselves, often at the cost of the one in pain or without helping or comforting them at all.
I have fallen down the sympathy hole more than once, and it has distanced me from people. I've learned in the last few years, that no one wants advice, unless they directly ask for it. And no one wants pity. Or charity. What they want is kindness and comfort.
When my mother's calls me about my Dad, she wants me to listen and to comfort her. Not to provide advice, and not to question. You'd think that would be easy, right? But we want to fix things. Make it better. We don't quite know how to comfort.
I see it a lot online as well, whether it be on this platform, Twitter, or FB or something else -- where people are offering sympathy not empathy or compassion. They tell the poor person what to do without knowing the whole situation and superimposing their own experience and judgement onto them.