The last two weeks have been particularly stressful. I kind of fell apart a little today. There's this encroaching feeling of the walls closing in - and no way out.
So I binged
The Order on Netflix - which for some reason or other, I'm really enjoying. The second season looks like it will be even more interesting than the first - because we got the creepy father out of the way.
And walked around Greenwood Cemetery. I've spent my summer and a good portion of the Spring walking around that cemetery. It's calming. In part because it reminds me how temporary everything is...and how meaningless things and the accumulation of them truly are.
Speaking of things..., my current coffee table which is cheap, is wearing out and is in desperate need of a replacement. The vinyl is chipping off of the cushions and falling to the floor, like dust. And inside the storage compartment. So, I'm flirting with a more expensive model on Pottery Barn. I can't afford the one I really want. But this may be doable.
Caden Leather Petite Ottoman Coffee Table. I need one that I can put my legs up on, but also set a meal tray on or papers. Debating it. Delivery is in Oct - when I'll probably be sent back into the office again. It's not really the office that is the problem - it's the frigging commute. Taking a semi-crowded or crowded subway in the middle of a pandemic is a scary thing.
Anyhow, I don't want to complain. I am feeling a little lost at the moment.
The ground keeps shifting beneath my feet - and my work situation seems precarious at best. Also, feeling a bit as if I've failed somehow - over the past ten years I tried really hard to make new friends, and new connections.
But everyone I connected with - moved far away or had a major life change, getting married, having kids, and it happened before we were able to get really close. I've not really socialized with anyone. And the only one I can talk to about any of this is my mother. And this journal. Although I did social distance with people in the office - actually I'm not sure standing three feet from someone with masks on is social distancing. And the interactions with strangers in the apartment complex, some with masks, some without, which isn't exactly social distancing either. I've kind of given up - the only person I can control is me.
My brother is out on Fire Island with his family, cleaning up the place, and shutting it down for fall - also setting it up for sale. He's hoping to sell his house out there. Mother is having dinner with two friends at her retirement center's dining room - where everyone has been tested multiple times for COVID and they are all very safe and bubbled.
My father and I...are the ones who feel a bit lost, I suspect. And him far more than I. I miss him. Today the nurse promised my mother that she would turn the football game on for him and they would watch it together.
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