Day #26 of year 2...Imposter Syndrom

Ah, the rainy day that I was hungering for arrived. Although my sinuses have been driving me crazy along with my digestive system.

Also I did not take the break from the news media that I promised myself. I may need to block news media next week. I made the colossal mistake of reading an article in the NY Times this morning about a Beloved Fourth Year Grade School Teacher in San Clementine, California - who went to the Capitol on Jan 6 and "peacefully" protested in favor of Trump. (There's no proof that she was a rioter per the FBI.) Also she'd gone around harassing folks for wearing masks. The article was about the debate that occurred in the school district - there were two separate petitions - one that asked for her immediate removal, and one that disagreed stating it was a violation of free speech. A lot of people had been shocked to learn of her politics, because previously she'd been quiet, as had her husband, a yoga guru - but alas the pandemic hit - and they fell down the misinformation rabbit hole of Qanon. (The people who have fallen down the rabbit hole - all think the journalists don't fact check and their facts are true. These are folks who buy snake oil from snake oil salesmen, and believe the urban legends.)

Mother: So, what happened to this woman?
ME: Nothing. It's not illegal to be a ranting screaming banshee on politics. You can rant about any political thing you want.
Mother: And you can't be fired for it.
Me: Nope. Hence the impotent rage. I swear these articles trigger me in the worst way.

I just read a Get Pocket article about how the news can trigger people, and how it is important to put safe guards in place. I kind of - have. I don't watch the news much - if at all any longer. I check my weather app - for the weather. Also I get the Times briefing - which is just headlines. I've stopped reading up on COVID, and if I want news on it - I scan the Governor's daily email - which gives me the positive spin on the facts and the NY Times breifing. Also the COVID Map of Doom via John Hopkins.

On FB? Way back in 2017 - I joined a GH fanboard that prohibits any discussion of politics or current events. I also joined various other non-political group sites - which are ad free.

On Twitter? I followed fan sites on comics, film, and entertainment. Less news. And stayed off of it for the most part.

DW isn't an issue. I talk about current events more than most - well me, Petz and Conuly. Everyone else doesn't for the most part.

Also, I realized in reading the article - that I am triggered by weight loss articles, exercise articles, and vacation articles at the moment. It makes me panic that I haven't set up vacation plans or made plans to see my family.

Mother today -- or rather just now, told me that she envied Aunt D for being near her family. It wasn't doable for mine. No one stayed in Kansas City, where we spent most of our family life. And my parents dislike New York - it's too cold in the winter for them, too expensive, and too crowded and hectic. They prefer their island. My brother and I couldn't move south, we don't like the south that much, and no job opportunities for us. Also, I don't drive - and the North is better equipped for those who don't drive than the South is - for some reason or other.

That said, Aunt D thought about moving to Canada more than once.

Mother: She's tired of all of the Trump supporters.
Me:Well, it is Texas.
Mother: She also said how many of her family members own guns. Her son owns a gun, and various sectaries that she works with own hand guns.
ME: Also, Texas.
Mother: And, I told her how South Carolina just passed an open carry law on guns.
ME: Meanwhile NY State has some of the most restrictive and stringent gun laws in the country. (Still have a lot of gun violence but hey, at least we have restrictions.)

And people wonder why I don't want to live in the South?

Aunt D lives in the Dallas area. (I have family members that live across the US. )

* Texas
* Florida,
* Pennsylvania
* California
* Washington,
* Wyoming.
* Illinois
* Michigan
* New Jersey
* New York
* Iowa
* Missouri
* South Carolina

I think that's everyone. Or everyone I can think of.

If this pandemic ever ends, I could have a high old time visiting folks - course I don't drive so that would be problematic.



The above is the homeless shelter that is across the street from the Food Town. It has a lovely group of flowering dogwoods across from it. At least I think they are dogwoods.

The church sermon today was on the Greek Myth of Arachne. ( Read more... )

I kind of needed to hear that today - because I've been feeling a bit down laterly - and it gave me a smidgen of hope.



I told mother I was struggling a bit with "imposter" syndrome. I feel at times that I don't deserve my job or salary - which is what imposter syndrome means, more or less. My mother reminded me that a lot of people come to me with questions and I answer them. Also, I work hard and have accomplished a lot for the nutty organization. The down-time is experienced by everyone, and to be fair - I've no control over the work that is assigned to me.

Plus, various co-workers have told me what a valuable asset I am to the team - because I'm so helpful and go out of my way to help them.

I genuinely like helping people. But, I feel at times that I'm not doing enough. Or anything at all. I want to do more - but there are things I can't do. Because I must feel safe when I'm helping. Otherwise my anxiety will shut me down. Also, I'm not good at certain things - I'm not handy, I can't cook in bulk, nor am I good at community organizing. But ask me to write something, figure out a problem or puzzle, strategize, or advocate - that I can do.

Mother told me that I reminded her of my father. He also had imposter syndrome.

***

During the pandemic, which we're still in by the way, I'm not in a bubble or a pod. My pod is as big as my small one bedroom apartment. 754 square feet. When I leave it? I wear a mask. And I have to - to do laundry, take out the trash, pick up mail, get deliveries, take walks, go outside, etc. The good news - is I rarely see people in the complex while dumping trash, recyclables, doing laundry or picking up mail. For a 77 unit complex - I don't see that many folks on a daily basis - they stick to themselves. And the place is quiet for the most part.

Also, being residential - it's not that bad in regards to walks, as you've seen, or getting food. But I do have to go by subway to get to doctors appointments, or anywhere else. I could try the Citibikes - but am still wary. Like I said, everything I do - must feel safe on some level - or my anxiety will try to shut me down. I have to convince myself that it is safe.
Safety is vital to me. My job is interesting, because most of my contracts and work throughout my career at crazy company have been with the "Occupational and Environmental Safety Department". The others? Are construction projects that were making the place safe for customers and employees. Or logistical in character. I worry about logistics - for myself and other people.

The two things I worry the most about - I endeavor at work to make better and easier for others. I think my worry about those things lead me to my career. I gravitated to a job that would help alleviate them. It was clearly more important to me on a subconscious level to alleviate or resolve these issues - than to write stories for a living, or create art, or get folks out of prison or act as a human rights advocate. Yet, in a way I am acting as an advocate - through church, my workplace, and through charitable donations.

Yet, I feel I'm not doing anything most of the time.

Ah well, time to make dinner again.

Television round up...

Opened a window and turned on the A/C - because the radiators came on - so the fresh smell of rain is flooding the apartment, and my allergies are finally abating.

1. Birds of Prey & The Emancipation of Harley Quinn - mixed feelings about this film. It stars Margot Robbie, Rosie Perez, and Ewan McGregor as the villain. It's a tad "over-the-top" and the violence is gory, but pop art at the same time. There's a fun in your face kind of action style - with a lot of women kicking white male ass. (I was in the mood to see that - so it worked for me.)

I went in blind - no idea what it was about outside of the fact that it was kind of origin tale for the Birds of Prey, and for Harley Quinn. Birds of Prey - are Huntress, Renee Montoya, and Black Canary.

The film is fun. And satisfying. Kind of dark, but lighter and better than Suicide Squad. With lots of neon colors. Robbie plays Harley Quinn as a kind of freakish party-girl on speed. Think female version of the Joker, but high octane. Loud at times, but not as busy or loud as I thought it would be.

Of the female villains in the Batman franchise - Harley Quinn is the most fascinating. She's a psychiatrist who fell in love with the Joker - which may either be a symptom of an on-going nervous breakdown or the root cause of it? Here, she is post-breakup and making her own way in the world.

It's an all female affair - girl-power to the extreme, with both a female director and writer behind the helm.

[Available on HBO or HBO MAX]

2. Falcon & the Winter Solider - Episode 3 - The Power Broker - this got better, in part, because of the additional characters. ( spoilers )

Marvel much like DC has questioned the Captain America/Superman hero over the years. In the 1940s - they were seen as wholesome American heroes fighting Nazis, but America has lost its sheen since then or rather we've (or most of us at any rate - there are a few deluded fools about) have begun to see beneath the marketing and glamour.

I prefer it when Marvel and DC question heroes like Captain America and Superman, because as one character states in this episode - this type of all powerful iconic patriotic hero is really disturbing if you think about it.

[I'm not a huge Superman or Captain America fan - I see both as potentially fascist. And rather like the fact that both franchises at various points questioned it. Alan Moore and Frank Miller questioned Superman in the 1980s, and he was questioned again by other writers later, along with the fanbase, which is largely white and male. Now, DC is wisely re-envisioning Superman as a Black Male version, written by Ta-Nehis Coats. A move that is somewhat brilliant, actually, since Superman was always supposed to be an alien or feel alienated. Although the original take on Superman - was by two Jewish guys during the 1940s and 50s. DC screwed them out of the royalties though. They conceived Superman as an alien - a metaphor for the Jewish immigrant experience in the US at the time of the Second World War. And as hiding in plain sight - looking like everyone else, but an alien on the inside. Marvel kind of did the same thing with the X-men, Scott Summers, Jean Grey, Warren, Bobby and Hank - all looked like everyone else (the white majority (or alleged majority)) but in reality were aliens inside, not human at all. But that metaphor gets lost at times - at least for Superman. Also not everyone can see metaphors - a lot of people don't. Nor do they read them the same way.]

Anyhow, Captain America is an entirely different situation. He took the serum to fight bullies. But it wasn't developed for that reason. And it had it's dark components. Also, he payed a hefty price. Add to that - what happens when Captain America ends up being the bully?

Falcon and the Winter Solider kind of play with this idea, but mostly they are playing with the ambiguity of what a hero is - much like WandaVision did, and their attempt to seek redemption. ( spoilers )

Best episode to date. [Available on Disney +]

3. Hemingway documentary on PBS - about halfway through. Watched part I and halfway through part II - which details the Myth of Hemingway and the Spanish Civil War.

It's worth looking at - particularly if you are at all interested in writing, literature, Hemingway and literary history and context. Hemingway influenced a lot of writers, such as Edna O'Brien, Ralph Ellison (Invisible Man), and others. He had a minimalist style - which I was taught to emulate in school and through various courses. Writers or rather English Lit majors often fall into two camps - the brooding and adjective heavy Victorian Camp, with their complicated and lengthy sentence structure, and embroidered and often poetic prose. And the minimalist modernist camp - or the journalistic style of writing - with no adjectives, and simple prose. There's stuff in between of course.

If you were to ask me what writers influenced my style? I'd say a hodgepodge, everyone from CJ Cherryth, Tolkien, Herbert, Joyce, Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Stein, O'Connor, Walker, and whomever I'm reading at the moment. Whedon did for a bit - but I think I've finally dropped it or evolved past it.

Hemingway is interesting - in this episode, we see multiple facets. On the one hand - he was a good father. Spent time with his kids, was accessible for the most part, on the other - not the best of husbands, and not the best of friends. He was arrogant, cocky, and often full of himself.

There's one bit on a bull-fight that reminded me of my father. When my parents came back from their tour around Spain, they stopped off in NY to see their kids. I took CW out to dinner with my parents, and my father regaled us with anecdotes. At one point, he told us that they were given a choice between seeing a Flamenco Dance or a Bullfight.

Me: Did you choose the Bullfight? (I assumed they would - since my father was a Hemingway fan.)
Father: No. We chose the dance. [Pause] Do you have any idea what happens to the bull prior to and after the bullfight?
Mother: They described it in detail to us before they gave us the choice which to go to. (My parents had done an Elder Hostel program - where they get taught the culture of the place they are visiting. A former tour guide, my father despised touring, he liked to immerse himself in the culture of a place, something my mother shared, and they passed on to my brother and I - it's why my family has no interest in big cruise ships, or tours. We want to experience the culture and meet the people. Otherwise what's the whole point?)
Father: What they do is - put a steel rod into the bull's head - to scramble its brain and put it into a rage. It sees red. Normally the bull has no interested in hurting anyone and if they didn't do that - it wouldn't fight no matter how much they poked it. Then they put it in a corral - and take turns poking it - basically torturing the bull, and then finally the matador comes out to fight it. It's brutal, barbaric, and they basically torture the poor bull to death. I had no interest in seeing that.

[I don't exactly remember what my father said - that's a facsimile. So if I got facts wrong - it's on my faulty memory not him. This was in 1999 or thereabouts.]

But, Hemingway saw the bullfight as a moral endeavor. I have a feeling he didn't know as much as he thought he did about bullfights? Or so I hope. And wrote Death in the Afternoon - about bull-fighting. He loved bullfights, which he also wrote about in Sun Also Rises, because they appeared to him, at least, to show death in all it's gory and majestic detail - and he felt that things he enjoyed or made him feel good were obviously moral, and things that made him feel uncomfortable or bad weren't. (I'm thinking Hemingway wasn't very self-aware? Or clueless to his own dark impulses?)

He also created a persona far greater than he truly was - writers and artists often do that, because they feel inferior, and need to make themselves out to be bigger than they are. It's kind of a sales package.
The Hemingway that the public saw - didn't quite exist in reality, and the effort of supporting that persona and glamour was at times difficult. Also, Hemingway was supported by his wife - the second wife was wealthy, and her uncle loved Hemingway's work and gave them a house in Key West, and enough money to keep an extremely high life style. (He didn't make that much off his writing.)

Most successful writers have someone supporting them, often a wife who has a different job or is independently wealthy. They aren't doing it by themselves.

4. Home Economics - comedy pilot on (I can't remember which channel).

I was disappointed. The cast isn't bad - but the writing is atrocious, as is the direction. It felt awkward. And with the exception of one joke which had a decent build-up and a good delivery - the jokes didn't land.

Granted it is the pilot - it could get better. But, I've no patience and too many television series as it is.

I want a good sitcom. I can't find one. None of them work for me at the moment. I've even lost interest in The Connors. I admittedly have a very dry sense of humor, and most people don't - so sitcoms tend to be a bit more in your face than I can handle. But, this wasn't funny. It was kind of eye-rolling bad?

The plot is about three siblings, who are at various ends of the economic ladder.( Read more... )

5. Great Pottery Throw Down - it has a fourth season! And Kieth came back with a better judge, and a better host, and it's back to what it was in S1 and 2. Yay! I hated S3. They got rid of the annoying new judge and host, who I did not like.

Saw the first episode and was thoroughly charmed. Also better challenges - now that they've gotten rid of the other judge.

***

I'm waiting to watch The Nevers until more episodes drop. HBO doesn't make its' episodes bingeable, they drop one at a time, weekly like Disney +. So I wait until several have dropped.

As an aside, any New Amsterdam viewers/fans? I missed the season finale of last year - and it did not record on my DVR properly - so I can't watch it. Nor is it available on - On Demand or Hulu. (Probably because the Peacock streaming service owns the rights and Hulu can only show episodes for limited time span.)

If you remember what happened - let me know. Also let me know if it's important to know what happened to watch this season.