The World Can Make Me Crazy...
Sep. 8th, 2024 05:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadowkatIt's a lovely day outside - blue cloud streaked sky, puffy white clouds, cool breeze, sunshine, crisp and warm at the same time - a happy day that I kind of wanted to frolic in and punch my fist through due to the inability to frolic.
I did however take a walk. A brief one - to Met Fresh, to pick up fruit and vegetables, and alas more dark chocolate, which I so don't need. I feel like a kid with a stash of chocolate. I got my blood sugar down to 117, only to have it shoot up when I had two small squares off a bar of intense dark chocolate. I'm annoyed, as you can well imagine. The foot for the most part is okay, just a bit stiff. It hurts if I press something against the top of it, not the bottom. So I have to wear soft shoes or shoes that don't have a top pressing against it too forcibly. I've been wearing my purple all birds sneakers, with are flexible and soft on top - made of wool and bamboo fibers. Also softer sandals. Sneakers don't work.
The blood sugar will even itself out. I'm going to have to ask the doctor to up my dosage of Metroformin or something. My blood sugar was fine when I had a higher dosage, albeit more side-effects. IBS is an issue regardless. Just have to stay clear of grains and carbs and dairy and acidic foods... Mother told me she is having fried chicken tonight. I'm awash in envy.
More random thoughts from last night - that would not let go of the brain, even after three meditations on the Calm app, one on the headspace app, and a sleep story on the Calm app about an adventurer who does Extreme Sleeps around the world. (I actually think this is non-fiction.) This one was traveling to a small village in the Artic Circle, trekking with a colleague to a Glacier, and sleeping in her sleeping bag in the Glacier, under the stars, in her toasty sleeping bag. I didn't envy her - that is not something I would enjoy doing. I don't like camping to begin with, and sleeping outside under the stars - I find to be very distracting. I wouldn't sleep a wink.
The random thoughts...sigh..I've realized over time, the following:
1. Not everyone will like me. This is a given. Not everyone will like you either. It's not specific to me. And they won't like us for reasons that honestly have nothing to do with anything we've done, or would do. In fact their reasons most likely won't make sense at all. They just don't like us.
It may be a psychological tic. We may have rubbed them the wrong way somehow. We may remind them of someone who abused them or hurt them through no fault of our own. We may have inadvertently insulted a friend of theirs. They may have heard something nasty about us and believed it to be true. Perhaps someone who injured us, twisted the story around and made it out that they were the injured party - and made us out to be the bad guy. It may be out of envy, jealousy, or resentment. It may be because we have something they wanted or inadvertently achieved or won something they felt they deserved. Or took something away from them. Or caused them to be injured in some way by helping someone else or awarding someone else. Or took the last available item from the store self - that they'd been hunting for for days or months even. Any number of reasons that we are unaware of.
But not everyone will like us. Some may even hate us. Damn. That sucks.
2. I struggle with personal pronouns. I like to use the personal pronoun "you" to indicate people in the general sense, including myself, and in blog posts and conversation - but unfortunately, the English language being what it is - people have a tendency to think it refers to them "personally" and get upset with me. I've had two conversations this week - one at work and one with my mother, in which I had to stop the conversation and explain that no - I wasn't accusing them of anything, this was meant generally.
You'd think I'd learn, but nope.
I don't even remember the conversations - just that they went off the rails because of my inadvertent use of the personal pronoun you. My church tells everyone whenever we do discussion groups or circles to use "I" statements not "you" statements, so apparently I'm not the only one who struggles with this. Maybe I can go back to using the word "one" instead? I mean there are instances in which the personal pronoun "I" doesn't quite express the thought accurately?
Language is frustrating. If I use the wrong word (almost used "you" again), hmmm..If one uses the wrong word or uses the word to mean one thing, but everyone else thinks it means something else - we could end up with a fight on our hands. I've lost count of the number of kerfuffles I've had over semantics. We're having a fight over how a word is being used or the meaning of a word, because some people never learned how to figure out the meaning of a word contextually or within the sentence and paragraph in which it is used. Instead they go by the dictionary definition. We (seriously "you" works best here - can I use it without people thinking it personally applies to them? I don't know.) Anyhow one cannot go by dictionary definitions with English (I don't know about other languages). English has a lot of slang, different regional uses, and contexts. There are words that have completely different meanings depending on context alone. Sorry, but the dictionary may very well fail you in regards to understanding the meaning of word - if you aren't going by context.
Plus which dictionary? I mean they aren't necessarily in agreement.
I've been playing the NY Times word game connections? And it demonstrates if nothing else does the multitude of meanings and uses of words. The trick of the game is to pull together words in sets of four, based on their similarity of meaning or something similar about them. It's a critical thinking game for wordsmiths. Also it helps if you know things about sports, I tend to fail the ones that group things by Football or Golf terminology.
Take the word soul for example?
Merriam Webster lists multiple meanings for the word - no wonder we couldn't agree on the definition. The discussion we were having for a bit of context - back on LJ? Was on whether a vampire's soul was meant to be conscience or a religious spirit, or a connection to others, and if it had much bearing on whether they could be redeemed in the Whedonverse. And some fandom debaters decided to hijack the discussion by making it about whether or not souls actually exist per their personal religious definition of the world soul.
Basically they turned it into a philosophical conversation on their interpretation of the word soul. Which is all fine and good - except not when the rest of the folks aren't on the same page and are still defining the word within the context of the original discussion. Not within the context of whether or not a soul is just a religious context - that's a different discussion entirely. It's also known as "hijacking".
In Merriam Webster - soul can mean:
* the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life
(Soul Purpose)
* the spiritual principle embodied in human beings, all rational and spiritual beings, or the universe
* a person's total self
an active or essential part
* a moving spirit : leader
* the moral and emotional nature of human beings
* the quality that arouses emotion and sentiment
* spiritual or moral force : fervor
(Soulful)
* person
not a soul in sight
* personification
she is the soul of integrity
* a strong positive feeling (as of intense sensitivity and emotional fervor) conveyed especially by African American performers
: cultural consciousness and pride among people of African heritage
Examples: Soul Food, Soul (music), Soul Brother
I remember on various discussion board forums, folks cautioning people to write carefully from time to time. But they didn't caution to "read carefully". Reading is a skill that a lot of folks take for granted and aren't as accomplished at as they may think. (I don't take it for granted - it took me forever to figure it out. Once I did, I read whatever I could get my hands on.) It requires thought, critical thinking, and time. Speed reading or skimming often trips over important information, and contextual meaning can be lost.
I know I've done it.
Too often, or more often than I'd like to admit - I misread something someone posted online, in an email or texted and reacted in error. Causing problems that could have been avoided if I'd read it a bit more carefully than I had. I've lost social media friends because of this - one or both of us, misread something the other person wrote or didn't take the time to fully understand it. It's easy to misread things on the internet. The eyes skip over stuff. Also there's multiple languages at play - if you are reading something in another language, that's going to have an effect as well.
And I make typos, and often use the wrong word or skip over words. These posts aren't edited, or rarely more than once at any rate. They aren't betaed, and certainly not fact-checked. I'm not writing a journal article or publishing one. There's no ads. No payment. I'm not selling a brand. These are letters, written off the top of my head. Expect mistakes. And I'm no expert.
And yet? This is still better than oral communication. At least I can re-read the sentences to ensure that I used the right word and don't have to worry about pesky pronunciations, plus automatic spellcheck.
3. I've learned that people will resent, envy and be jealous of me for reasons that honestly make no sense to me whatsoever.
There's a great song about this, that I listened to on a repetitive loop during the first year of the pandemic.
Relay by Fiona Apple from her album Fetch the Bolt Cutters. Not to be confused with The Who's song of the same name, which I didn't know existed until I hunted Relay on youtube. The Who's song is less memorable, no disrespect to The Who - I love the Who, but that's just not one of their memorable songs.
Worse? Some people will act on these emotions - and scheme to take you down, because in their heads you didn't deserve it or was in their way, or entitled or some such nonsense. This is bewildering.
I was rather shocked when it happened to me. I discovered that not one but two work colleagues who I had befriended and trusted, one a close friend, way back in 2001, had done just that, conspired with my insane bully of a boss to get me to resign or fired - albeit separately, and resented each other for doing it. They tried to undercut each other - and me. How did I find out? They told me. First about each other, then later confessed about doing it themselves. They weren't very bright. I look back on it now - and find the whole thing absurd.
Karma kicked their asses, by the way. Big time. I had zip to do with it. I didn't seek vengeance. I didn't ream them. I just politely walked away. I am proud of that.
Imagine being so envious of someone that you would actively try to hurt them? Try to get them fired or make them resign, lying to them the whole time? And undercutting yourself and your job in the process?
That makes no sense to me. Envy is painful emotion. But I work really hard not to give in to it. When it hits me, I force myself to walk in that person's shoes and see their lives completely. More often then not, their lives aren't what I think they are. I was envious of Joss Whedon and Neil Gaiman - dear god, look at what they are dealing with? I don't want that.
We don't know what other people are going through. Neither of my so-called friends knew how hard I had struggled for a job, or what I'd gone through, the storyline in their heads wasn't real.
I remember once being told by a psychologist that we make up storylines in our heads, and they aren't real. But we think they are. And we reinforce them. Until they take over. And we justify things based on this false narrative. Meditation apps like headspace and Calm say much the same thing and work to help dislodge these harmful storylines. To let them go. To clear the mind. That endless loop can drive one slowly insane.
It is hard to trust people though. I mean, when you know that they could decide to hurt you for something you've no control over.
Sometimes it's about political beliefs. Others religious ones. Others color of skin (racism), sexual orientation (homophobia), gender identification (transphobia), gender (misogyny or misanthropy), age, region, education level, profession, family background (you have a loving family while they had an abusive one), etc.
It scares me. After 9/11, when all of this happened pretty much at the same time...I found it increasingly difficult to trust people. I never knew if they had an agenda.
I. remember the friend I made at evil library company, a close friend, we did lots of things together - we shared the train ride home every day. Had a drink after work. I introduced her to my parents. I went to parties at her house, we visited each other. We worked together. I confided in her.
I told her stuff. Personal stuff. Stuff I haven't told others.
And...she betrayed me. I had inklings here and there - which I handwaved.
For example at one point I overheard her complaining that they had given me a used computer to work from home (this was in the 1990s, and it was an old IBM PC, all I had was a Mac). How dare they? She'd worked there longer. And needed it more.
Or another time, in which she was upset that I got to go to a convention in San Franscisco and Washington DC, American Library Association Convention. (Even though I'd confided in her about my stress regarding it, and how I had to campaign for it. And didn't want to go. I hate conventions. A crowd of people in windowless hotel rooms and booths? Why???)
Or when she told me not to trust my colleague and how I should leave.
Or when she told me that maybe I was too cold to people, or bad with subordinates. Supporting what my boss had told me in a personal evaluation, about how horrible a person I was, even though I was a strategic genus, and smarter than anyone in the company, I was rude, aloof, and too aggressive for them. She even said - maybe people perceived me that way. She was good at undercutting people to build herself up. But she didn't do it all the time. Some days she was supportive and helpful. And I really liked her.
So, I ignored these signs. I thought I was being paranoid. Until about two years later, around 2005, when she told me off hand that the boss (think the guy from the UK Version of The Office) accused her of telling me about his evil plan. I remember glancing at her sideways. And stating, "no, that was Janet. I even told him that at the time. I don't why he accused you of it." Because she knew, and didn't tell me.
After I left, she told me that she realized what I was actually doing and how good I was at it. And weirdly apologized for not figuring it out. She thought she knew what I did, but didn't really see it until I left. The woman who had taken my place? Raved about how good I was at my job. She sung my praises. That I had negotiated iron-tight contracts which made her life easier. That I had written a boilerplate contract that ensured they could use and keep the content that they'd converted from various publications. If my name was signed on the dotted line - they could keep the content.
And...I found out from her that she'd signed on with the new organization only to have them destroy her - by the time they were done, her confidence was in shambles, and she had to redefine herself. And she told me, and I'll never forget this - that she was using me as a role model, how I left the company, how I handled the situation - she decided to follow my lead. Not to seek vengeance, to redefine her career, and to move forward.
I write this story out - for myself as well as anyone who may come upon it.
I learned something from it. A lot really. The individual who taught me how to handle the betrayal, and to walk away from the company politely and with dignity was my father. I went to him when I suspected all of it, and asked him what to do. He advised me to do nothing. He said - hunt for another job, but do nothing. And when it got too hard for me to stomach, and I was crying every night and spending all my time writing essays about Buffy and Angel, he told me to walk away. And a friend, who worked as an indexer in the Art History Department of the Library Reference Company, told me that my job didn't define me. None of this did. And took me away for lunches, and helped me get up the courage to resign without a job in place, so my dignity and sanity would remain intact.
Also, the fandom community supported me. The Buffy and Angel fandom. I'd met folks on those boards who kept me going, who gave me things to occupy myself with, and listened to me. They helped me find the courage to leave without hurting anyone. To rise above it all. And I did - I left my boss with disks of my royalty databases, everything I did was tabulated and left on floppy discs. I made it easy for the next person to take the job and for the company to succeed. I made it easy for my friend to succeed. I left the company better than I entered it. I left with my moral code intact. And I when I did, a social media friend from a Buffy fanboard sent me flowers all the way from Japan.
I need to make dinner, so I'll wrap this entry up with this? What I learned from this experience is no matter what the world hands you, try to leave it better than you entered it. Try to be kind to those who hurt you. Turn the other cheek. And let the Universe teach them any lessons that they need to learn, it is not up to you or I to do so.
But always try to be kind. I am proud of the fact that I never hurt any of the people who hurt me. While I'm not really in contact with either now, thank god, sometimes you really need to let go of folks, I do know that at least one of them is a better person because of how I chose to react. Instead of seeking vengeance or hurting these people, I empowered at least one of them to be better person by my own actions. Because of that - she has gone on to help others. She paid it forward.
We can choose whether to be a relay of evil or good. By how we react to things. We only have control over our reactions. Not much else.
I did however take a walk. A brief one - to Met Fresh, to pick up fruit and vegetables, and alas more dark chocolate, which I so don't need. I feel like a kid with a stash of chocolate. I got my blood sugar down to 117, only to have it shoot up when I had two small squares off a bar of intense dark chocolate. I'm annoyed, as you can well imagine. The foot for the most part is okay, just a bit stiff. It hurts if I press something against the top of it, not the bottom. So I have to wear soft shoes or shoes that don't have a top pressing against it too forcibly. I've been wearing my purple all birds sneakers, with are flexible and soft on top - made of wool and bamboo fibers. Also softer sandals. Sneakers don't work.
The blood sugar will even itself out. I'm going to have to ask the doctor to up my dosage of Metroformin or something. My blood sugar was fine when I had a higher dosage, albeit more side-effects. IBS is an issue regardless. Just have to stay clear of grains and carbs and dairy and acidic foods... Mother told me she is having fried chicken tonight. I'm awash in envy.
More random thoughts from last night - that would not let go of the brain, even after three meditations on the Calm app, one on the headspace app, and a sleep story on the Calm app about an adventurer who does Extreme Sleeps around the world. (I actually think this is non-fiction.) This one was traveling to a small village in the Artic Circle, trekking with a colleague to a Glacier, and sleeping in her sleeping bag in the Glacier, under the stars, in her toasty sleeping bag. I didn't envy her - that is not something I would enjoy doing. I don't like camping to begin with, and sleeping outside under the stars - I find to be very distracting. I wouldn't sleep a wink.
The random thoughts...sigh..I've realized over time, the following:
1. Not everyone will like me. This is a given. Not everyone will like you either. It's not specific to me. And they won't like us for reasons that honestly have nothing to do with anything we've done, or would do. In fact their reasons most likely won't make sense at all. They just don't like us.
It may be a psychological tic. We may have rubbed them the wrong way somehow. We may remind them of someone who abused them or hurt them through no fault of our own. We may have inadvertently insulted a friend of theirs. They may have heard something nasty about us and believed it to be true. Perhaps someone who injured us, twisted the story around and made it out that they were the injured party - and made us out to be the bad guy. It may be out of envy, jealousy, or resentment. It may be because we have something they wanted or inadvertently achieved or won something they felt they deserved. Or took something away from them. Or caused them to be injured in some way by helping someone else or awarding someone else. Or took the last available item from the store self - that they'd been hunting for for days or months even. Any number of reasons that we are unaware of.
But not everyone will like us. Some may even hate us. Damn. That sucks.
2. I struggle with personal pronouns. I like to use the personal pronoun "you" to indicate people in the general sense, including myself, and in blog posts and conversation - but unfortunately, the English language being what it is - people have a tendency to think it refers to them "personally" and get upset with me. I've had two conversations this week - one at work and one with my mother, in which I had to stop the conversation and explain that no - I wasn't accusing them of anything, this was meant generally.
You'd think I'd learn, but nope.
I don't even remember the conversations - just that they went off the rails because of my inadvertent use of the personal pronoun you. My church tells everyone whenever we do discussion groups or circles to use "I" statements not "you" statements, so apparently I'm not the only one who struggles with this. Maybe I can go back to using the word "one" instead? I mean there are instances in which the personal pronoun "I" doesn't quite express the thought accurately?
Language is frustrating. If I use the wrong word (almost used "you" again), hmmm..If one uses the wrong word or uses the word to mean one thing, but everyone else thinks it means something else - we could end up with a fight on our hands. I've lost count of the number of kerfuffles I've had over semantics. We're having a fight over how a word is being used or the meaning of a word, because some people never learned how to figure out the meaning of a word contextually or within the sentence and paragraph in which it is used. Instead they go by the dictionary definition. We (seriously "you" works best here - can I use it without people thinking it personally applies to them? I don't know.) Anyhow one cannot go by dictionary definitions with English (I don't know about other languages). English has a lot of slang, different regional uses, and contexts. There are words that have completely different meanings depending on context alone. Sorry, but the dictionary may very well fail you in regards to understanding the meaning of word - if you aren't going by context.
Plus which dictionary? I mean they aren't necessarily in agreement.
I've been playing the NY Times word game connections? And it demonstrates if nothing else does the multitude of meanings and uses of words. The trick of the game is to pull together words in sets of four, based on their similarity of meaning or something similar about them. It's a critical thinking game for wordsmiths. Also it helps if you know things about sports, I tend to fail the ones that group things by Football or Golf terminology.
Take the word soul for example?
Merriam Webster lists multiple meanings for the word - no wonder we couldn't agree on the definition. The discussion we were having for a bit of context - back on LJ? Was on whether a vampire's soul was meant to be conscience or a religious spirit, or a connection to others, and if it had much bearing on whether they could be redeemed in the Whedonverse. And some fandom debaters decided to hijack the discussion by making it about whether or not souls actually exist per their personal religious definition of the world soul.
Basically they turned it into a philosophical conversation on their interpretation of the word soul. Which is all fine and good - except not when the rest of the folks aren't on the same page and are still defining the word within the context of the original discussion. Not within the context of whether or not a soul is just a religious context - that's a different discussion entirely. It's also known as "hijacking".
In Merriam Webster - soul can mean:
* the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life
(Soul Purpose)
* the spiritual principle embodied in human beings, all rational and spiritual beings, or the universe
* a person's total self
an active or essential part
* a moving spirit : leader
* the moral and emotional nature of human beings
* the quality that arouses emotion and sentiment
* spiritual or moral force : fervor
(Soulful)
* person
not a soul in sight
* personification
she is the soul of integrity
* a strong positive feeling (as of intense sensitivity and emotional fervor) conveyed especially by African American performers
: cultural consciousness and pride among people of African heritage
Examples: Soul Food, Soul (music), Soul Brother
I remember on various discussion board forums, folks cautioning people to write carefully from time to time. But they didn't caution to "read carefully". Reading is a skill that a lot of folks take for granted and aren't as accomplished at as they may think. (I don't take it for granted - it took me forever to figure it out. Once I did, I read whatever I could get my hands on.) It requires thought, critical thinking, and time. Speed reading or skimming often trips over important information, and contextual meaning can be lost.
I know I've done it.
Too often, or more often than I'd like to admit - I misread something someone posted online, in an email or texted and reacted in error. Causing problems that could have been avoided if I'd read it a bit more carefully than I had. I've lost social media friends because of this - one or both of us, misread something the other person wrote or didn't take the time to fully understand it. It's easy to misread things on the internet. The eyes skip over stuff. Also there's multiple languages at play - if you are reading something in another language, that's going to have an effect as well.
And I make typos, and often use the wrong word or skip over words. These posts aren't edited, or rarely more than once at any rate. They aren't betaed, and certainly not fact-checked. I'm not writing a journal article or publishing one. There's no ads. No payment. I'm not selling a brand. These are letters, written off the top of my head. Expect mistakes. And I'm no expert.
And yet? This is still better than oral communication. At least I can re-read the sentences to ensure that I used the right word and don't have to worry about pesky pronunciations, plus automatic spellcheck.
3. I've learned that people will resent, envy and be jealous of me for reasons that honestly make no sense to me whatsoever.
There's a great song about this, that I listened to on a repetitive loop during the first year of the pandemic.
Relay by Fiona Apple from her album Fetch the Bolt Cutters. Not to be confused with The Who's song of the same name, which I didn't know existed until I hunted Relay on youtube. The Who's song is less memorable, no disrespect to The Who - I love the Who, but that's just not one of their memorable songs.
Worse? Some people will act on these emotions - and scheme to take you down, because in their heads you didn't deserve it or was in their way, or entitled or some such nonsense. This is bewildering.
I was rather shocked when it happened to me. I discovered that not one but two work colleagues who I had befriended and trusted, one a close friend, way back in 2001, had done just that, conspired with my insane bully of a boss to get me to resign or fired - albeit separately, and resented each other for doing it. They tried to undercut each other - and me. How did I find out? They told me. First about each other, then later confessed about doing it themselves. They weren't very bright. I look back on it now - and find the whole thing absurd.
Karma kicked their asses, by the way. Big time. I had zip to do with it. I didn't seek vengeance. I didn't ream them. I just politely walked away. I am proud of that.
Imagine being so envious of someone that you would actively try to hurt them? Try to get them fired or make them resign, lying to them the whole time? And undercutting yourself and your job in the process?
That makes no sense to me. Envy is painful emotion. But I work really hard not to give in to it. When it hits me, I force myself to walk in that person's shoes and see their lives completely. More often then not, their lives aren't what I think they are. I was envious of Joss Whedon and Neil Gaiman - dear god, look at what they are dealing with? I don't want that.
We don't know what other people are going through. Neither of my so-called friends knew how hard I had struggled for a job, or what I'd gone through, the storyline in their heads wasn't real.
I remember once being told by a psychologist that we make up storylines in our heads, and they aren't real. But we think they are. And we reinforce them. Until they take over. And we justify things based on this false narrative. Meditation apps like headspace and Calm say much the same thing and work to help dislodge these harmful storylines. To let them go. To clear the mind. That endless loop can drive one slowly insane.
It is hard to trust people though. I mean, when you know that they could decide to hurt you for something you've no control over.
Sometimes it's about political beliefs. Others religious ones. Others color of skin (racism), sexual orientation (homophobia), gender identification (transphobia), gender (misogyny or misanthropy), age, region, education level, profession, family background (you have a loving family while they had an abusive one), etc.
It scares me. After 9/11, when all of this happened pretty much at the same time...I found it increasingly difficult to trust people. I never knew if they had an agenda.
I. remember the friend I made at evil library company, a close friend, we did lots of things together - we shared the train ride home every day. Had a drink after work. I introduced her to my parents. I went to parties at her house, we visited each other. We worked together. I confided in her.
I told her stuff. Personal stuff. Stuff I haven't told others.
And...she betrayed me. I had inklings here and there - which I handwaved.
For example at one point I overheard her complaining that they had given me a used computer to work from home (this was in the 1990s, and it was an old IBM PC, all I had was a Mac). How dare they? She'd worked there longer. And needed it more.
Or another time, in which she was upset that I got to go to a convention in San Franscisco and Washington DC, American Library Association Convention. (Even though I'd confided in her about my stress regarding it, and how I had to campaign for it. And didn't want to go. I hate conventions. A crowd of people in windowless hotel rooms and booths? Why???)
Or when she told me not to trust my colleague and how I should leave.
Or when she told me that maybe I was too cold to people, or bad with subordinates. Supporting what my boss had told me in a personal evaluation, about how horrible a person I was, even though I was a strategic genus, and smarter than anyone in the company, I was rude, aloof, and too aggressive for them. She even said - maybe people perceived me that way. She was good at undercutting people to build herself up. But she didn't do it all the time. Some days she was supportive and helpful. And I really liked her.
So, I ignored these signs. I thought I was being paranoid. Until about two years later, around 2005, when she told me off hand that the boss (think the guy from the UK Version of The Office) accused her of telling me about his evil plan. I remember glancing at her sideways. And stating, "no, that was Janet. I even told him that at the time. I don't why he accused you of it." Because she knew, and didn't tell me.
After I left, she told me that she realized what I was actually doing and how good I was at it. And weirdly apologized for not figuring it out. She thought she knew what I did, but didn't really see it until I left. The woman who had taken my place? Raved about how good I was at my job. She sung my praises. That I had negotiated iron-tight contracts which made her life easier. That I had written a boilerplate contract that ensured they could use and keep the content that they'd converted from various publications. If my name was signed on the dotted line - they could keep the content.
And...I found out from her that she'd signed on with the new organization only to have them destroy her - by the time they were done, her confidence was in shambles, and she had to redefine herself. And she told me, and I'll never forget this - that she was using me as a role model, how I left the company, how I handled the situation - she decided to follow my lead. Not to seek vengeance, to redefine her career, and to move forward.
I write this story out - for myself as well as anyone who may come upon it.
I learned something from it. A lot really. The individual who taught me how to handle the betrayal, and to walk away from the company politely and with dignity was my father. I went to him when I suspected all of it, and asked him what to do. He advised me to do nothing. He said - hunt for another job, but do nothing. And when it got too hard for me to stomach, and I was crying every night and spending all my time writing essays about Buffy and Angel, he told me to walk away. And a friend, who worked as an indexer in the Art History Department of the Library Reference Company, told me that my job didn't define me. None of this did. And took me away for lunches, and helped me get up the courage to resign without a job in place, so my dignity and sanity would remain intact.
Also, the fandom community supported me. The Buffy and Angel fandom. I'd met folks on those boards who kept me going, who gave me things to occupy myself with, and listened to me. They helped me find the courage to leave without hurting anyone. To rise above it all. And I did - I left my boss with disks of my royalty databases, everything I did was tabulated and left on floppy discs. I made it easy for the next person to take the job and for the company to succeed. I made it easy for my friend to succeed. I left the company better than I entered it. I left with my moral code intact. And I when I did, a social media friend from a Buffy fanboard sent me flowers all the way from Japan.
I need to make dinner, so I'll wrap this entry up with this? What I learned from this experience is no matter what the world hands you, try to leave it better than you entered it. Try to be kind to those who hurt you. Turn the other cheek. And let the Universe teach them any lessons that they need to learn, it is not up to you or I to do so.
But always try to be kind. I am proud of the fact that I never hurt any of the people who hurt me. While I'm not really in contact with either now, thank god, sometimes you really need to let go of folks, I do know that at least one of them is a better person because of how I chose to react. Instead of seeking vengeance or hurting these people, I empowered at least one of them to be better person by my own actions. Because of that - she has gone on to help others. She paid it forward.
We can choose whether to be a relay of evil or good. By how we react to things. We only have control over our reactions. Not much else.