Proceed as the Way Opens
Mar. 20th, 2011 07:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadowkatHaven't gotten much done this weekend. Saw a few apartments, didn't like them. One was pretty with great appliances, but bad layout, location and view. (ie. depressing). So passed. More on Wed and next Sunday. Agent is busy doing real-estate and Amway - anything to make enough money to achieve her dream of becoming an oscar nominated art director.
Dreams.
Still have dreams of becoming a novelist. But my writing feels a bit stalled at the moment. The novel is written, it's moving past that stage that I have problems with - query letters, synopsis, and the revising. Work gobbles the creative energy required for it. By the time Friday hits, I feel like I've been hit by a mack truck. That's not to say I don't still write - it's just different writing. Have a few stories in my head, but am reluctant to take the time to write them down.
Proceed as the Way Opens. That was the title of the sermon at church today...the minister used it in part to explain his announcement that he is leaving for a position at another church - in Hempstead, England of all places. The new parish is smaller. I'm envious. And I'll miss him - he had a comforting cadence, that made me think of father Christmas. In part, I'm envious because I love England, particularly London. There are three places I've visited in my lifetime, outside of NYC, that I fell in love with - London and England, particularly the beauty of Wales, France - specifically Paris and the hills of Bretagne. And finally Cape Breton, Canada. All had an old world charm, steeped in history, and natural beauty. Unitarians are odd - in the Catholic Church - you don't choose your priest or minister - the order chooses for you. You also don't really choose your church - that's chosen by where you live or district generally speaking. Catholicism isn't really big on free will or choice, which is one of the reasons I'm not crazy about it. My view is choice is very important. It's part of becoming an adult and taking responsibility for one's actions. We own our choices. Letting someone or something else do that for us...makes us little more than sheep or lemmings. It takes away what makes us human. That's my perspective, others clearly differ. In the Unitarian Church - you search for your minister, and choose them. The congregation does. There's a search committee and a vote. It reminds me of hunting for a Dean of Students at a University - the process appears to be exactly the same.
At any rate "Proceed as the Way Opens" comes from a phrase in William Least Heat Moon's novels - RiverHorse, the novel in which he describes wandering across the US by small boat on all the rivers and waterways. Not as easy as it may look - traversing those waterways. I vaguely remember reading bits of Blue Highways - about traveling across the US by car on various roadways.
This phrase haunts me, and I was deeply moved when he discussed it. Because it fits my own philosophy of life at this moment in time. My philosophy much like my religion changes and is far from stagnant. I used to try to beat down doors - driven to push through. Now, after having many slamned shut in my face, I find I'm proceeding more and more as the way opens, going through the doors that open as opposed to those which insist on staying shut. It's hard to write this post, because I don't want to use the words, religion, church, minister or even god - for those appear to be controversial words. Meaning different things. The limitations of language and syntax. What the man speaking said (how about that? or Speaker?) from his bully pulpit, of rich mahogany and red velvet, was we all fail, fall down, and we learn more from these failings than we realize. And I find myself thinking how true this is...like a child learns burning his/her fingers in a candle flame. Fear is learned. At work, a colleague talked about her daughter coughing for the first time - and the child's wonder at the sound. Doing it again - to see how it sounds and giggling at it. That sense of wonder - that we lose as we grow older.
Proceeding as the way opens...looks at life like a mystery or adventure to be discovered. A road or path that we don't know or can't see what lies ahead. The unmapped road or destination. I mention going this way as opposed to pushing through closed doors with a plan in place and my mother say's yes, that's safer. But I'm not sure that's true. In some respects it's less so - because you don't know where you are going, you placing a lot of trust in instinct, faith, and the natural order of things (or fate or God) or the universal pattern or even chance. Instead of planning so to speak, you are rolling dice. Although to say I'm not planning, is a bit of an exaggeration. Because I do.
I save money. I cut back on expenses. I do things, I commit, I go to church, I look for apartments, I get involved in social action, I work on my novel and attempt to get it published, and I write in lj and go to work. I do the best I can and go forward. Proceed as the way opens and take the opportunities that feel right. Note feel. It's more a gut decision than anything else. Sometimes informed. But most decisions, the big ones feel like gut decisions.
I never know if I'm doing the right thing. Or writing the right thing. Or saying it. Life often feels like a roll of dice. I pick up the dice, toss, hold my breath, and pray for snake eyes. Never sure if it is luck that breaths on them or something higher, more revered, God. I believe in God. For it is impossible for me to look at the wonders of nature and the universe, without believing in something greater and bigger than myself. For me, science is evidence of the existence of God. And the natural order - evidence of a meaningful pattern, even if from an individual and personal stance it often feels cruel, like a writer pulling wings off butterflies.
And I often feel that I'm going down the wrong road or crave another one. Today, in my mind, I flirted with the road of Unitarian Minister, only to quickly disregard, it's not my calling. I do not like to be seen. I hide in Church. To be on the pulpit, trembling, my voice...mispronouncing words or using the wrong ones - is not something I want to experience. I'm no lecturer. I work best with written not spoken words. My calling if I have one is the written word. Even if my audience remains small and intimate.
Blogging is a weird thing. I love it. It is addictive. Here I can write about anything. But not without worry. And here I ramble about what I wrote in the paragraphs above. What is this road I'm traversing? Today it feels to be a dull one but not as lonely as it was the week before. The nice thing is I know the scenery will continue to change. Everything is temporary. Nothing lasts. And at times, that is comforting, as comforting as it is terrifying and painful. For you know the bad stuff changes along with the good. Change is life. It is the only constant. The only thing we can depend upon. Our lives, our bodies, our loves will change. The road we traverse will change, it does not go in a straight line and not towards the clear horizon. And I find that comforting most of the time. It means I'll never be bored, well not for too long at any rate, and any pain I feel will not last an eternity.
So, I proceed as the way opens. I no longer force friendships that...well aren't meant for me or to be. Or push doors that are locked to me. Granted at times there feels like there is no way. And only a hallway of locked doors or tiny ones, with the keys out of reach. But wait long enough, strive long enough, prode long enough, one door usually opens or at least a window - it's most often not the one I counted on or picked or wanted, but I am surprised. And surprise is sometimes the best bit. I remember discussing this with my Granny years before she died (I miss her still) and she'd say that what kept her from suicide was curiousity to know what was around that next corner. Well that and an ingrained view that suicide was the coward's way out. What's around that corner, what happens next.
In his speech, the minister, discussed wandering backroads without a map, to just take a relaxing drive to see where the road took him. He told us that his wife would not go on these drives and thought he was nuts. But he liked meandering and exploring. The dead ends were well marked. And he could find his way back again. This is something I can't do...wander aimlessly in a car, without fear of getting hopelessly lost or stuck. While I have an Aunt who considers getting lost an adventure. But...I have been known to do this walking. Taking long meandering walks. Used to do it with a friend, who well...I'm no longer friends with, but that's another story, and a painful one. So we will skip it. Walking is how I think best. While the minister did it driving. But I get the metaphor, just letting the road take you where it will. Not jumping ahead for spoilers via some fortune teller or tarot card or time machine. And not jumping behind to figure out where you've been, just moving forward, and taking in the scenery, and going where the the way opens. And hoping, hoping...it won't be off a cliff or into a swamp or a desert, dry, arid, with no water, and just endless sky. I guess the good news is that we aren't alone on it, at least not most of the time.
Proceed as the Way Opens is a Quaker saying. It means listening to one's life. As opposed to figuring out what the meaning in life is, or what life holds for you, or what you want to do with your life, you are listening to what life wants from you. An attitude that all the steps of the journey aren't clear, and are shown a bit at a time, in increments. The process of where we are going is not settled or predetermined and must be continually engaged, and require a listening to one's life (or God depending on your beliefs.
Yet, not as easy as looks. As one old woman said...sometimes the ways seem closed, but the bright side the ways behind, those doors, are closed as you move forward.
Dreams.
Still have dreams of becoming a novelist. But my writing feels a bit stalled at the moment. The novel is written, it's moving past that stage that I have problems with - query letters, synopsis, and the revising. Work gobbles the creative energy required for it. By the time Friday hits, I feel like I've been hit by a mack truck. That's not to say I don't still write - it's just different writing. Have a few stories in my head, but am reluctant to take the time to write them down.
Proceed as the Way Opens. That was the title of the sermon at church today...the minister used it in part to explain his announcement that he is leaving for a position at another church - in Hempstead, England of all places. The new parish is smaller. I'm envious. And I'll miss him - he had a comforting cadence, that made me think of father Christmas. In part, I'm envious because I love England, particularly London. There are three places I've visited in my lifetime, outside of NYC, that I fell in love with - London and England, particularly the beauty of Wales, France - specifically Paris and the hills of Bretagne. And finally Cape Breton, Canada. All had an old world charm, steeped in history, and natural beauty. Unitarians are odd - in the Catholic Church - you don't choose your priest or minister - the order chooses for you. You also don't really choose your church - that's chosen by where you live or district generally speaking. Catholicism isn't really big on free will or choice, which is one of the reasons I'm not crazy about it. My view is choice is very important. It's part of becoming an adult and taking responsibility for one's actions. We own our choices. Letting someone or something else do that for us...makes us little more than sheep or lemmings. It takes away what makes us human. That's my perspective, others clearly differ. In the Unitarian Church - you search for your minister, and choose them. The congregation does. There's a search committee and a vote. It reminds me of hunting for a Dean of Students at a University - the process appears to be exactly the same.
At any rate "Proceed as the Way Opens" comes from a phrase in William Least Heat Moon's novels - RiverHorse, the novel in which he describes wandering across the US by small boat on all the rivers and waterways. Not as easy as it may look - traversing those waterways. I vaguely remember reading bits of Blue Highways - about traveling across the US by car on various roadways.
This phrase haunts me, and I was deeply moved when he discussed it. Because it fits my own philosophy of life at this moment in time. My philosophy much like my religion changes and is far from stagnant. I used to try to beat down doors - driven to push through. Now, after having many slamned shut in my face, I find I'm proceeding more and more as the way opens, going through the doors that open as opposed to those which insist on staying shut. It's hard to write this post, because I don't want to use the words, religion, church, minister or even god - for those appear to be controversial words. Meaning different things. The limitations of language and syntax. What the man speaking said (how about that? or Speaker?) from his bully pulpit, of rich mahogany and red velvet, was we all fail, fall down, and we learn more from these failings than we realize. And I find myself thinking how true this is...like a child learns burning his/her fingers in a candle flame. Fear is learned. At work, a colleague talked about her daughter coughing for the first time - and the child's wonder at the sound. Doing it again - to see how it sounds and giggling at it. That sense of wonder - that we lose as we grow older.
Proceeding as the way opens...looks at life like a mystery or adventure to be discovered. A road or path that we don't know or can't see what lies ahead. The unmapped road or destination. I mention going this way as opposed to pushing through closed doors with a plan in place and my mother say's yes, that's safer. But I'm not sure that's true. In some respects it's less so - because you don't know where you are going, you placing a lot of trust in instinct, faith, and the natural order of things (or fate or God) or the universal pattern or even chance. Instead of planning so to speak, you are rolling dice. Although to say I'm not planning, is a bit of an exaggeration. Because I do.
I save money. I cut back on expenses. I do things, I commit, I go to church, I look for apartments, I get involved in social action, I work on my novel and attempt to get it published, and I write in lj and go to work. I do the best I can and go forward. Proceed as the way opens and take the opportunities that feel right. Note feel. It's more a gut decision than anything else. Sometimes informed. But most decisions, the big ones feel like gut decisions.
I never know if I'm doing the right thing. Or writing the right thing. Or saying it. Life often feels like a roll of dice. I pick up the dice, toss, hold my breath, and pray for snake eyes. Never sure if it is luck that breaths on them or something higher, more revered, God. I believe in God. For it is impossible for me to look at the wonders of nature and the universe, without believing in something greater and bigger than myself. For me, science is evidence of the existence of God. And the natural order - evidence of a meaningful pattern, even if from an individual and personal stance it often feels cruel, like a writer pulling wings off butterflies.
And I often feel that I'm going down the wrong road or crave another one. Today, in my mind, I flirted with the road of Unitarian Minister, only to quickly disregard, it's not my calling. I do not like to be seen. I hide in Church. To be on the pulpit, trembling, my voice...mispronouncing words or using the wrong ones - is not something I want to experience. I'm no lecturer. I work best with written not spoken words. My calling if I have one is the written word. Even if my audience remains small and intimate.
Blogging is a weird thing. I love it. It is addictive. Here I can write about anything. But not without worry. And here I ramble about what I wrote in the paragraphs above. What is this road I'm traversing? Today it feels to be a dull one but not as lonely as it was the week before. The nice thing is I know the scenery will continue to change. Everything is temporary. Nothing lasts. And at times, that is comforting, as comforting as it is terrifying and painful. For you know the bad stuff changes along with the good. Change is life. It is the only constant. The only thing we can depend upon. Our lives, our bodies, our loves will change. The road we traverse will change, it does not go in a straight line and not towards the clear horizon. And I find that comforting most of the time. It means I'll never be bored, well not for too long at any rate, and any pain I feel will not last an eternity.
So, I proceed as the way opens. I no longer force friendships that...well aren't meant for me or to be. Or push doors that are locked to me. Granted at times there feels like there is no way. And only a hallway of locked doors or tiny ones, with the keys out of reach. But wait long enough, strive long enough, prode long enough, one door usually opens or at least a window - it's most often not the one I counted on or picked or wanted, but I am surprised. And surprise is sometimes the best bit. I remember discussing this with my Granny years before she died (I miss her still) and she'd say that what kept her from suicide was curiousity to know what was around that next corner. Well that and an ingrained view that suicide was the coward's way out. What's around that corner, what happens next.
In his speech, the minister, discussed wandering backroads without a map, to just take a relaxing drive to see where the road took him. He told us that his wife would not go on these drives and thought he was nuts. But he liked meandering and exploring. The dead ends were well marked. And he could find his way back again. This is something I can't do...wander aimlessly in a car, without fear of getting hopelessly lost or stuck. While I have an Aunt who considers getting lost an adventure. But...I have been known to do this walking. Taking long meandering walks. Used to do it with a friend, who well...I'm no longer friends with, but that's another story, and a painful one. So we will skip it. Walking is how I think best. While the minister did it driving. But I get the metaphor, just letting the road take you where it will. Not jumping ahead for spoilers via some fortune teller or tarot card or time machine. And not jumping behind to figure out where you've been, just moving forward, and taking in the scenery, and going where the the way opens. And hoping, hoping...it won't be off a cliff or into a swamp or a desert, dry, arid, with no water, and just endless sky. I guess the good news is that we aren't alone on it, at least not most of the time.
Proceed as the Way Opens is a Quaker saying. It means listening to one's life. As opposed to figuring out what the meaning in life is, or what life holds for you, or what you want to do with your life, you are listening to what life wants from you. An attitude that all the steps of the journey aren't clear, and are shown a bit at a time, in increments. The process of where we are going is not settled or predetermined and must be continually engaged, and require a listening to one's life (or God depending on your beliefs.
Yet, not as easy as looks. As one old woman said...sometimes the ways seem closed, but the bright side the ways behind, those doors, are closed as you move forward.