Turning Virginity into a Punchline

[shadowkat]

Okay, THIS article states what I was trying to say in another post, a week or so ago.

I often feel like the only woman on the face of the planet who no one is attracted to. And I am ashamed—in part because this is something no one ever talks about.


We turn virginity into a punchline—a sign of misplaced religious conviction, physical grotesqueness, or social ineptitude. We try to escape the reality that sex is a choice that some are never offered, and ignore the fact that trumpeting sexual freedom also has the power to wound deeply. The sexually inexperienced (especially those with no choice in the matter) feel a strong urge to hide this fact, in order to let people assume a common level of sexual history. It’s a lot easier than trying to explain the truth, and it hurts less, too.
“Trumpeting sexual freedom also has the power to wound deeply.”
_

I’ve sat through countless conversations with groups of women, praying that the conversation wouldn’t turn to sex, cringing inwardly when it inevitably did, and trying to laugh with the others until the topic changed and I could relax again, my secret safe. For now.

The essay is by a woman who is 33 years of age, who feels disenfranchised by our society.

"I often feel like the only woman on the face of the planet who no one is attracted to."

So untrue on so many levels.

Also, despite what many people may believe, sex doesn't always equal love, happiness, or companionship. Sometimes it equals AIDS, Syphilis (or so it did for James Joyce, who was blinded by it), unwanted pregnancy, HPV virus, Herpes, etc. It can be violent. It can be cruel. It can be loving. It can be orgasmic. It can be amazing. It can be embarrassing. It can be uncomfortable. It can be hilarious. It can be shameful. It can be touching. It can mean nothing. It can mean everything. It can take seconds. It can take hours. But regardless of the situation? It is always intimate. More intimate than anything else you will ever do with another human being. You are exploring each other's bodies. You are giving each other pleasure. Or pain as the case may be. It's not something to enter into lightly, yet most of us do...sorry to say. And none of us appear to know how to handle it.

In the film, 45 years...the sex scene was uncomfortable and loving...with a touch of painful melancholy. It hurt. There was a disconnection. As opposed to the connection and reaffirmation desperately sought. One of the best sex scenes that I've seen done on film, if one of the most uncomfortable to watch. In Amy Schumer's Trainwreck, it is funny, silly, uncomfortable, touching, and painful. In Buffy the Vampire Slayer , where the word virgin is used as a punchline by writers who are clearly uncomfortable with the topic themselves...sex is depicted as intimate but also painful, silly, crazy, touching, abusive, and an escape. It's never is safe. BTVS and ATS never depicted it as safe. And it's not safe. Sex. You take a huge risk when you have sex with someone. The risk of rejection runs high. And having sex with the wrong person...well that never turns out well. I remember friend in college warning me off one-night stands, she said, you feel dirty the next morning...like you can't quite get clean.

The writer of this essay states how stories about being a virgin past a specific age are deemed inappropriate, laughable or untrue. They are squelched. She's so right.

I remember a friend's response to a novel I wrote, where the main character was a virgin. The character was twenty-five years of age. My friend told me that no one would believe my story, because how could anyone who was attractive or successful still be a virgin at that age? Really? Then much later, another friend informed me that Gilmore Girls was unrealistic because the lead, Rory Gilmore, had graduated from college without losing her virginity, which just wasn't believable. Because everyone knows you lose your virginity as a Freshman. These inaccurate perceptions are reinforced by our media. Virgins are considered religious. Yet I know a lot of atheists who are virgins. Virgins are considered unattractive. Odd, I know a lot of really ugly people who have had lots of sex (Donald Trump comes to mind, although mileage may vary on that point, as does Woody Allen, who frankly gives me the creeps). Virgins are considered sexually unaware or not knowledgeable, hello, have you heard of books, movies, and television - it tends to be rather graphic in this regard.

I find it sad that our media, our culture, squelches these stories as unbelievable. Particularly when we have no trouble watching stories about boy wizards, Jedi knights, or dragons. And condemns the tellers. Where is the sexual empowerment in this? I fail to see it.

I think in our culture's attempt to deal with slut shaming, which is equally wrong, we have a tendency to go to the opposite extreme. That's the problem I'm having with our culture and society --is the tendency to go to extremes. To categorize and pigeon-hole and put people in neat little boxes. If you don't do a, b, and c -- then you are obviously this or that. If you aren't married by a certain age, you must be gay, except people who are gay get married and have significant others and have sex. Some of them have actually had sex with people of the opposite sex. You can't tell someone's sexual orientation by whether or not they are single or dating anyone. I've actually heard people say this and speculate on it. Yes, people are really that stupid.

I don't know about anyone else reading this? But I think we all need to strive to do better. To be less dumb about these things. Less cruel. It only takes a minute.

Comments

[honorh.livejournal.com]

That article made me cry. I share her pain. I don't know why I've been left on the shelf, but I have, and I don't know if I'll ever know love.

[petzipellepingo.livejournal.com]

But I think we all need to strive to do better. To be less dumb about these things. Less cruel. It only takes a minute.

"nods" We're a very judgmental society plus we take what we see in the media as the "norm" when it's often just writer's fantasy.

[teamhalfportal3.livejournal.com]

Kind of unrelated but I feel that society in general is obsessed with living the American Dream aka marrying someone of the opposite sex and having kids. That's unfortunately my family's mentality. I want to tell them that I am disgusted by sex and I have no desire to be in a romantic relationship. By the way you are so right sex does not mean love. People can have a romantic relationship without sex if they are both ok with it. Also everyone assumes that everyone else is straight so that's annoying. My advice to people would be to not fall for peer pressure and false ideas of what is "normal". Do things for yourself not others.

[ponygirl2000.livejournal.com]

I think there's a kind of "fix-it" culture at work in our society. If someone admits to being unhappy or even just somewhat unsatisfied with an aspect of their life, then the usual response is to offer ideas on how to change. The idea of accepting this dissatisfaction is seen as giving up. Actually "given up" is the response I usually give - with a smile - when I'm asked about dating or relationships. It's hard for people to understand that I'm not looking to change.