Turning Virginity into a Punchline
Mar. 20th, 2016 07:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadowkatOkay, THIS article states what I was trying to say in another post, a week or so ago.
The essay is by a woman who is 33 years of age, who feels disenfranchised by our society.
"I often feel like the only woman on the face of the planet who no one is attracted to."
So untrue on so many levels.
Also, despite what many people may believe, sex doesn't always equal love, happiness, or companionship. Sometimes it equals AIDS, Syphilis (or so it did for James Joyce, who was blinded by it), unwanted pregnancy, HPV virus, Herpes, etc. It can be violent. It can be cruel. It can be loving. It can be orgasmic. It can be amazing. It can be embarrassing. It can be uncomfortable. It can be hilarious. It can be shameful. It can be touching. It can mean nothing. It can mean everything. It can take seconds. It can take hours. But regardless of the situation? It is always intimate. More intimate than anything else you will ever do with another human being. You are exploring each other's bodies. You are giving each other pleasure. Or pain as the case may be. It's not something to enter into lightly, yet most of us do...sorry to say. And none of us appear to know how to handle it.
In the film, 45 years...the sex scene was uncomfortable and loving...with a touch of painful melancholy. It hurt. There was a disconnection. As opposed to the connection and reaffirmation desperately sought. One of the best sex scenes that I've seen done on film, if one of the most uncomfortable to watch. In Amy Schumer's Trainwreck, it is funny, silly, uncomfortable, touching, and painful. In Buffy the Vampire Slayer , where the word virgin is used as a punchline by writers who are clearly uncomfortable with the topic themselves...sex is depicted as intimate but also painful, silly, crazy, touching, abusive, and an escape. It's never is safe. BTVS and ATS never depicted it as safe. And it's not safe. Sex. You take a huge risk when you have sex with someone. The risk of rejection runs high. And having sex with the wrong person...well that never turns out well. I remember friend in college warning me off one-night stands, she said, you feel dirty the next morning...like you can't quite get clean.
The writer of this essay states how stories about being a virgin past a specific age are deemed inappropriate, laughable or untrue. They are squelched. She's so right.
I remember a friend's response to a novel I wrote, where the main character was a virgin. The character was twenty-five years of age. My friend told me that no one would believe my story, because how could anyone who was attractive or successful still be a virgin at that age? Really? Then much later, another friend informed me that Gilmore Girls was unrealistic because the lead, Rory Gilmore, had graduated from college without losing her virginity, which just wasn't believable. Because everyone knows you lose your virginity as a Freshman. These inaccurate perceptions are reinforced by our media. Virgins are considered religious. Yet I know a lot of atheists who are virgins. Virgins are considered unattractive. Odd, I know a lot of really ugly people who have had lots of sex (Donald Trump comes to mind, although mileage may vary on that point, as does Woody Allen, who frankly gives me the creeps). Virgins are considered sexually unaware or not knowledgeable, hello, have you heard of books, movies, and television - it tends to be rather graphic in this regard.
I find it sad that our media, our culture, squelches these stories as unbelievable. Particularly when we have no trouble watching stories about boy wizards, Jedi knights, or dragons. And condemns the tellers. Where is the sexual empowerment in this? I fail to see it.
I think in our culture's attempt to deal with slut shaming, which is equally wrong, we have a tendency to go to the opposite extreme. That's the problem I'm having with our culture and society --is the tendency to go to extremes. To categorize and pigeon-hole and put people in neat little boxes. If you don't do a, b, and c -- then you are obviously this or that. If you aren't married by a certain age, you must be gay, except people who are gay get married and have significant others and have sex. Some of them have actually had sex with people of the opposite sex. You can't tell someone's sexual orientation by whether or not they are single or dating anyone. I've actually heard people say this and speculate on it. Yes, people are really that stupid.
I don't know about anyone else reading this? But I think we all need to strive to do better. To be less dumb about these things. Less cruel. It only takes a minute.
I often feel like the only woman on the face of the planet who no one is attracted to. And I am ashamed—in part because this is something no one ever talks about.
We turn virginity into a punchline—a sign of misplaced religious conviction, physical grotesqueness, or social ineptitude. We try to escape the reality that sex is a choice that some are never offered, and ignore the fact that trumpeting sexual freedom also has the power to wound deeply. The sexually inexperienced (especially those with no choice in the matter) feel a strong urge to hide this fact, in order to let people assume a common level of sexual history. It’s a lot easier than trying to explain the truth, and it hurts less, too.
“Trumpeting sexual freedom also has the power to wound deeply.”
_
I’ve sat through countless conversations with groups of women, praying that the conversation wouldn’t turn to sex, cringing inwardly when it inevitably did, and trying to laugh with the others until the topic changed and I could relax again, my secret safe. For now.
The essay is by a woman who is 33 years of age, who feels disenfranchised by our society.
"I often feel like the only woman on the face of the planet who no one is attracted to."
So untrue on so many levels.
Also, despite what many people may believe, sex doesn't always equal love, happiness, or companionship. Sometimes it equals AIDS, Syphilis (or so it did for James Joyce, who was blinded by it), unwanted pregnancy, HPV virus, Herpes, etc. It can be violent. It can be cruel. It can be loving. It can be orgasmic. It can be amazing. It can be embarrassing. It can be uncomfortable. It can be hilarious. It can be shameful. It can be touching. It can mean nothing. It can mean everything. It can take seconds. It can take hours. But regardless of the situation? It is always intimate. More intimate than anything else you will ever do with another human being. You are exploring each other's bodies. You are giving each other pleasure. Or pain as the case may be. It's not something to enter into lightly, yet most of us do...sorry to say. And none of us appear to know how to handle it.
In the film, 45 years...the sex scene was uncomfortable and loving...with a touch of painful melancholy. It hurt. There was a disconnection. As opposed to the connection and reaffirmation desperately sought. One of the best sex scenes that I've seen done on film, if one of the most uncomfortable to watch. In Amy Schumer's Trainwreck, it is funny, silly, uncomfortable, touching, and painful. In Buffy the Vampire Slayer , where the word virgin is used as a punchline by writers who are clearly uncomfortable with the topic themselves...sex is depicted as intimate but also painful, silly, crazy, touching, abusive, and an escape. It's never is safe. BTVS and ATS never depicted it as safe. And it's not safe. Sex. You take a huge risk when you have sex with someone. The risk of rejection runs high. And having sex with the wrong person...well that never turns out well. I remember friend in college warning me off one-night stands, she said, you feel dirty the next morning...like you can't quite get clean.
The writer of this essay states how stories about being a virgin past a specific age are deemed inappropriate, laughable or untrue. They are squelched. She's so right.
I remember a friend's response to a novel I wrote, where the main character was a virgin. The character was twenty-five years of age. My friend told me that no one would believe my story, because how could anyone who was attractive or successful still be a virgin at that age? Really? Then much later, another friend informed me that Gilmore Girls was unrealistic because the lead, Rory Gilmore, had graduated from college without losing her virginity, which just wasn't believable. Because everyone knows you lose your virginity as a Freshman. These inaccurate perceptions are reinforced by our media. Virgins are considered religious. Yet I know a lot of atheists who are virgins. Virgins are considered unattractive. Odd, I know a lot of really ugly people who have had lots of sex (Donald Trump comes to mind, although mileage may vary on that point, as does Woody Allen, who frankly gives me the creeps). Virgins are considered sexually unaware or not knowledgeable, hello, have you heard of books, movies, and television - it tends to be rather graphic in this regard.
I find it sad that our media, our culture, squelches these stories as unbelievable. Particularly when we have no trouble watching stories about boy wizards, Jedi knights, or dragons. And condemns the tellers. Where is the sexual empowerment in this? I fail to see it.
I think in our culture's attempt to deal with slut shaming, which is equally wrong, we have a tendency to go to the opposite extreme. That's the problem I'm having with our culture and society --is the tendency to go to extremes. To categorize and pigeon-hole and put people in neat little boxes. If you don't do a, b, and c -- then you are obviously this or that. If you aren't married by a certain age, you must be gay, except people who are gay get married and have significant others and have sex. Some of them have actually had sex with people of the opposite sex. You can't tell someone's sexual orientation by whether or not they are single or dating anyone. I've actually heard people say this and speculate on it. Yes, people are really that stupid.
I don't know about anyone else reading this? But I think we all need to strive to do better. To be less dumb about these things. Less cruel. It only takes a minute.
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no subject
Date: 2016-03-21 03:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-03-22 01:07 am (UTC)A friend of mine told me once...that the trick is to find someone you are emotionally, intellectually and physically attracted to/simpatico with. But he's never really been able to find all three. He settled for two out of three - emotional and physical. At 46, he finally found his love, and he was set up by a close friend.
There's always hope, I think..at least that's what I keep telling myself.
no subject
Date: 2016-03-21 07:01 am (UTC)"nods" We're a very judgmental society plus we take what we see in the media as the "norm" when it's often just writer's fantasy.
no subject
Date: 2016-03-22 01:35 am (UTC)That's a good reminder. So much of television is just pure fantasy. Grey's Anatomy is a great example of that -- nothing in that series is realistic or real. Some of it is just ludicrous. My Aunt who was is a retired nurse...found the series to be hilarious in its inaccuracies, particularly all the doctors sleeping with each other, wherever they pleased -- which just doesn't happen in hospitals and definitely not to that extent.
And I think our current regime of writers have embraced the fact that anything goes on television. They can depict nudity, sex, etc without fear of censors. I know that's why Whedon decided to have explicit sex scenes in S6, because the network permitted it for the first time in his career...and well, he wanted to see how far he could push the envelope.
I remember how amused he was...when the only thing they gave him comments on was the Double Meat Palace episode -- where he made fun of fast-food restaurants. You don't make fun of or denigrate your advertisers, apparently. LOL!
no subject
Date: 2016-03-21 11:35 am (UTC)Kind of unrelated but I feel that society in general is obsessed with living the American Dream aka marrying someone of the opposite sex and having kids. That's unfortunately my family's mentality. I want to tell them that I am disgusted by sex and I have no desire to be in a romantic relationship. By the way you are so right sex does not mean love. People can have a romantic relationship without sex if they are both ok with it. Also everyone assumes that everyone else is straight so that's annoying. My advice to people would be to not fall for peer pressure and false ideas of what is "normal". Do things for yourself not others.
no subject
Date: 2016-03-22 01:26 am (UTC)People can have a romantic relationship without sex if they are both ok with it. Also everyone assumes that everyone else is straight so that's annoying. My advice to people would be to not fall for peer pressure and false ideas of what is "normal". Do things for yourself not others.
So true. You can love someone without it being sexual. And not everyone is "sexual", some people are asexual. Sexuality like gender isn't binary or definitive necessarily, it can be spectrum. I know, because I've met people who fall all along it both online and off. And it's not necessarily stagnant either...some people can start out as heterosexual, become bisexual, then homosexual. For some it's about who they fall in love with and gender is irrelevant.
A friend told me recently that we're hard wired to categorize and pigeon hole people, to put labels on them and fit them into defined slots. This person is gay, this person is straight, this person is black, this one is white...etc.
But what if you are purple? Or bisexual? Or don't fit into a defined slot? What then? Most people don't...and are confused because they are trying to put themselves into a slot they can't quite fit into.
I remember getting fed up with Oprah once, because she went on and on about how if you had a lot of sex, you'd be happy. And the secret to happiness was lots of sex, and how studies had been done demonstrating that people who got laid more often were found to be happier. Seriously? No. I had a friend who had a lot of sex and was miserable.
I stopped paying attention to Oprah about ten-fifteen years ago -- because she has a tendency to preach about things she knows nothing about, making broad generalizations...based solely on her own limited experience on the topic.
Which to be fair, I think, is what a lot of people do.
The assumption that everyone experiences sex the same way annoys me. It's blantantly stupid if you think about it.
We don't experience anything else the same way, why would we experience it? I mean not everyone can digest bread, I can't. Or eat sugar. Or drink alcohol. Some people love brussle sprouts, some can't eat them. Some people can run, some would die if they tried to run. I keep wanting to scream at people that we are not a one-size fits all world.
no subject
Date: 2016-03-22 01:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-03-22 02:12 am (UTC)Dating is bloody hard. There's no guarantee you'll meet anyone. The guys who are attracted to me, I'm not attracted to. The guys I'm attracted to, aren't attracted to me. After awhile, I thought, okay, that's it, the Universe just hates me.
Then, oh dear, the well-meaning advice...
One friend suggested..."maybe your type just isn't your type?" (Now, that's helpful. What am I supposed to do with that?) or "You're just too picky, you need to lower your standards." (Okay...) Another told me that I needed to do what Woody Allen states...just show up, get out, go to a lot of things, even if you hate those things. (That I just didn't get out enough and wasn't busy enough.) And a woman at a party told me that dating was similar to looking for a job or apartment hunting. Just apply the same skills. (Which I found appalling, but it did explain a lot. Considering how much I despise job and apartment hunting. ) I was told to try online dating -- someone even helped me put together the write-up. (After several...horror shows, I gave up. I know, I know, I probably should have stuck with it longer...but the last one was just painful.)
The difficulty is...what works for one person isn't going to necessarily work for someone else.
no subject
Date: 2016-03-22 01:02 pm (UTC)I do know people who've had success with online dating, but they definitely treated it like a part-time job and were ruthless in weeding out the duds. Going on dozens of first dates sounds like torture, but that's me.
no subject
Date: 2016-03-22 10:29 pm (UTC)That's been my experience as well. Online and offline dating. I had it happen again a year or so ago, a guy that I met at a function wanted to hook up, but he really turned me off. While there were these two other guys that I was into, who ...well didn't like me enough or were involved with other people.
I've more or less given up. If it happens, it happens. But I'm not going to stress over it any longer. There's enough things to stress over...
I do know people who've had success with online dating, but they definitely treated it like a part-time job and were ruthless in weeding out the duds. Going on dozens of first dates sounds like torture, but that's me.
For me as well. The one's I went out on were pure torture. Can't quite bring myself to go through it again. You have to have teflon skin to do it, I sometimes think. Or the right attitude.
One friend suggested trying the site "How About We"...which is basically, "I want to go to the movie Deadbolt, who wants to come with me?" Still blind dating, just with a clear destination in mind. Not a fan of blind dating.