Stand up to Bullying: A Survivor's Tale
Oct. 13th, 2010 08:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadowkatRead this insightful and inspiring post : http://seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com/280302.html courtesy of ann1962 who directed me to it. This post and the events of the past few years...inspire what lies below. Hope it doesn't come across as too strident. It's hard for me to write about without jumping on my soap-box. Bullying is a topic that fills me with rage.
The teen suicides...notably the girl who hanged herself because a classmate's mother and her teenage daughter and a bunch of the teenage daughter's friends felt the need to bully and play a cruel sadistic prank on facebook. Their "harmless" prank lead to this girl's suicide. And she was just the first in a long line. There have been several on Long Island. The young man from Rutgers who jumped off the George Washington Bridge in the Bronx, is just the latest. And all for the same reason - some idiot thought it would be funny to post a video or tape or something to Facebook, Youtube, Twitter...as either a prank or tease. I can hear them in my head - it was just a joke, we had no way of knowing you didn't have a sense of humor or were sooo sensitive. Or mainly? We didn't think it was such a big deal. Can't you take a joke? Some days I hope there is a hell (not that I believe there is, I don't) where
people can relive what they did to others, from their victims point of view, experience their victims pain one by one. It's like that song from the Mikado - the punishment must fit the crime. But vengeance and retribution rarely work. But there are days...
Last week, on the phone, Momster reminded me of a moment from my past that I'd forgotten. It makes sense that I forgot it, there were so many similar moments that they basically blurred together over time, and I took a page from my Dad's book and worked hard to forget, focusing on the good stuff. But you don't forget it all, and the coping skills, specifically the dry wit and snark that developed because of it, have not gone away. Nor did the anger at bullying in general. I can't watch most television situation comedies which involve embarrassment or humilation humor because of my experiences as a child and young adult. It also, as Momster pointed out - aided me in developing an empathy for people who are discriminated against for whatever reason.
How was I bullied? So many ways. I've forgotten most of them, it was so long ago. And the nice thing about time, is memories fade, you do eventually forget. Even the old emotional scars begin to fade.
How long? From the age of 6 to the age of 20. Bullying drove me to seek counseling in college, and again in law school. And I suffered it again, at the age of 28 in the workplace - when I realized that was what was happening, I confronted the bully head-on and let him know that I knew what he was doing, I knew my rights, and if he did not back off - I'd make sure others knew. Then I left the company, but made damn sure that I left smelling like a rose. So much so, that people who took over my position let that boss and everyone else know how great I was and just what they lost.
But you probably want specifics, right?? Sigh, repeating them, they seem minor, silly even.
In grade school - I vaguely remember that they pinched me in line. If I liked a boy, they told him and teased me ruthlessly about it. I was taller than they were, bigger. Teachers didn't always make it better they made it worse.
I hated recess. I remember being ruthlessly teased. Being different is enough. I was 5'11 in the 6th grade. I had a lisp, which I did not figure out how to correct until I was 16. I was clumsy and awkward. Also had dyslexia - so took a while to learn how to read. Plus, I wore the wrong clothes and was not hip.
Over time, I got really good at hiding. But they found ways. In Science class - they put dead spiders in my text book - to see me scream. I remember leaving the class entirely, and refusing to come back. One of my fellow students, most likely sent by the teacher, came out and coaxed me back in. He told me it was okay to be scared of the dead spider, he had a fear of snakes. (My fear of spiders came from people throwing them at me. I have this insane view whenever I see one that it is going to jump into my face and grab me.)
I remember in Junior High, my best friend at the time - pulling the chair out from under me in English class, and joining in on the teasing in the cafeteria...to the point that I developed a hatred of lunch and we stopped being friends, because I just could not tolerate her insecurity any longer. I complained about in my journal - which I wrote for English class, but the teacher who read - shrugged it off as well, it's just playful fun.
I don't remember what was said, thank god. I remember one girl - who had a deformed arm due to a birth defect - she was teased even worse than I was. This boy, Reese, put a maxi-pad in her locker covered with ketchup and made sure our class saw her open it. I remember giving him and the rest of them the death-glare. And reaming him and the others who laughed. Asking how they'd feel if someone did it to them. I remember being so angry, that I was shaking.
My reaction to the bullying was often suppressed rage at myself and at them. But I turned it inward, wrote about it, used the anger to fuel a drive to succeed. I wouldn't hurt anyone. They were beneath my notice. They did not exist. So they didn't exist. I literally forgot they were there. I don't really remember most of them. Or what they did. Just bits here and there. Vague recollections. In fact most of high school is a foggy blur. And when they were pleasant to me? I didn't see them. I erased them. If it got bad? I removed myself from the situation. But I will state this - you could not pay me enough to go my high school reunion. No way in hell. And god, do I love the movie Grosse Pointe Blanke - best high school reunion film ever. It's about a guy, played by John Cusak (who is my age) going to his high school reunion circa 1985 - or thereabouts, ten years later. He's a hitman. Hijinks ensue. Pure satire. Pure love.
As I grew older, and even then, to be honest, I saw it from the Bullies point of view. They were also being bullied, either at home or at school. By friends or parents. I know that now, even if I didn't know it then. They were terrified of being inadequate, unpopular, unloved - so they bullied to make themselves feel powerful, to feel better, to be popular. I saw that clearly. And I knew that by acknowledging their presence, I gave them power over me and that was something I refused to do. I refused to give them that power. I refuse to do it now. That's why I let myself forget them. I will only remember the people I love. I am working to forget those I do not. It's not as easy as it looks. Because bullying does leave behind a scar. It's not something you get over easily.
How do we give bullies power?
*Laughing at their jokes
*Acknowledging their presence as either important or worthy
*Engaging with them, enabling it by either participation or engagement
*Justifying their behavior and our own
And all of the above happen in our media. Have you seen the Office? Pam and Jim are bullies. Our media, tv, films, books often support bullying. More than they should. American humor more often than not caters to bullies - think about it, how often do you laugh at someone being embarrassed or humiliated? Glee is in some respects a satire about bullying in high school. Buffy the Vampire Slayer - was a story about bullies, Buffy slayed the bullies in her life.
How did I survive?
Well, two things helped - 1)my family and 2)my imagination or ability to live inside my head and create a vivid fantasy life
I was lucky in another respect - Facebook, cellphones, twitter, livejournal, etc were not invented. We did not have the internet. So when I was teased - it was in person and at school, only. I did not have to deal with it at home or online. What is happening on Facebook is scary. And we can stop it. If we work together we can stop it - the same way we did on fanboards whenever someone began bullying another fan. Say no to bullying.
But how to stop it? Is defriending the bully, removing them from your sight, enough? OR does that make it worse? I don't know. I do know if you are currently suffering from bullying - that it gets better, school ends, and you can avoid these assholes in life. They can't survive in the workplace - there are laws that keep them in check. And most people won't tolerate them. Once you get past school, bullies start to drop out of favor. It got better for me.
ann1962 who directed me to it. This post and the events of the past few years...inspire what lies below. Hope it doesn't come across as too strident. It's hard for me to write about without jumping on my soap-box. Bullying is a topic that fills me with rage. The teen suicides...notably the girl who hanged herself because a classmate's mother and her teenage daughter and a bunch of the teenage daughter's friends felt the need to bully and play a cruel sadistic prank on facebook. Their "harmless" prank lead to this girl's suicide. And she was just the first in a long line. There have been several on Long Island. The young man from Rutgers who jumped off the George Washington Bridge in the Bronx, is just the latest. And all for the same reason - some idiot thought it would be funny to post a video or tape or something to Facebook, Youtube, Twitter...as either a prank or tease. I can hear them in my head - it was just a joke, we had no way of knowing you didn't have a sense of humor or were sooo sensitive. Or mainly? We didn't think it was such a big deal. Can't you take a joke? Some days I hope there is a hell (not that I believe there is, I don't) where
people can relive what they did to others, from their victims point of view, experience their victims pain one by one. It's like that song from the Mikado - the punishment must fit the crime. But vengeance and retribution rarely work. But there are days...
Last week, on the phone, Momster reminded me of a moment from my past that I'd forgotten. It makes sense that I forgot it, there were so many similar moments that they basically blurred together over time, and I took a page from my Dad's book and worked hard to forget, focusing on the good stuff. But you don't forget it all, and the coping skills, specifically the dry wit and snark that developed because of it, have not gone away. Nor did the anger at bullying in general. I can't watch most television situation comedies which involve embarrassment or humilation humor because of my experiences as a child and young adult. It also, as Momster pointed out - aided me in developing an empathy for people who are discriminated against for whatever reason.
How was I bullied? So many ways. I've forgotten most of them, it was so long ago. And the nice thing about time, is memories fade, you do eventually forget. Even the old emotional scars begin to fade.
How long? From the age of 6 to the age of 20. Bullying drove me to seek counseling in college, and again in law school. And I suffered it again, at the age of 28 in the workplace - when I realized that was what was happening, I confronted the bully head-on and let him know that I knew what he was doing, I knew my rights, and if he did not back off - I'd make sure others knew. Then I left the company, but made damn sure that I left smelling like a rose. So much so, that people who took over my position let that boss and everyone else know how great I was and just what they lost.
But you probably want specifics, right?? Sigh, repeating them, they seem minor, silly even.
In grade school - I vaguely remember that they pinched me in line. If I liked a boy, they told him and teased me ruthlessly about it. I was taller than they were, bigger. Teachers didn't always make it better they made it worse.
I hated recess. I remember being ruthlessly teased. Being different is enough. I was 5'11 in the 6th grade. I had a lisp, which I did not figure out how to correct until I was 16. I was clumsy and awkward. Also had dyslexia - so took a while to learn how to read. Plus, I wore the wrong clothes and was not hip.
Over time, I got really good at hiding. But they found ways. In Science class - they put dead spiders in my text book - to see me scream. I remember leaving the class entirely, and refusing to come back. One of my fellow students, most likely sent by the teacher, came out and coaxed me back in. He told me it was okay to be scared of the dead spider, he had a fear of snakes. (My fear of spiders came from people throwing them at me. I have this insane view whenever I see one that it is going to jump into my face and grab me.)
I remember in Junior High, my best friend at the time - pulling the chair out from under me in English class, and joining in on the teasing in the cafeteria...to the point that I developed a hatred of lunch and we stopped being friends, because I just could not tolerate her insecurity any longer. I complained about in my journal - which I wrote for English class, but the teacher who read - shrugged it off as well, it's just playful fun.
I don't remember what was said, thank god. I remember one girl - who had a deformed arm due to a birth defect - she was teased even worse than I was. This boy, Reese, put a maxi-pad in her locker covered with ketchup and made sure our class saw her open it. I remember giving him and the rest of them the death-glare. And reaming him and the others who laughed. Asking how they'd feel if someone did it to them. I remember being so angry, that I was shaking.
My reaction to the bullying was often suppressed rage at myself and at them. But I turned it inward, wrote about it, used the anger to fuel a drive to succeed. I wouldn't hurt anyone. They were beneath my notice. They did not exist. So they didn't exist. I literally forgot they were there. I don't really remember most of them. Or what they did. Just bits here and there. Vague recollections. In fact most of high school is a foggy blur. And when they were pleasant to me? I didn't see them. I erased them. If it got bad? I removed myself from the situation. But I will state this - you could not pay me enough to go my high school reunion. No way in hell. And god, do I love the movie Grosse Pointe Blanke - best high school reunion film ever. It's about a guy, played by John Cusak (who is my age) going to his high school reunion circa 1985 - or thereabouts, ten years later. He's a hitman. Hijinks ensue. Pure satire. Pure love.
As I grew older, and even then, to be honest, I saw it from the Bullies point of view. They were also being bullied, either at home or at school. By friends or parents. I know that now, even if I didn't know it then. They were terrified of being inadequate, unpopular, unloved - so they bullied to make themselves feel powerful, to feel better, to be popular. I saw that clearly. And I knew that by acknowledging their presence, I gave them power over me and that was something I refused to do. I refused to give them that power. I refuse to do it now. That's why I let myself forget them. I will only remember the people I love. I am working to forget those I do not. It's not as easy as it looks. Because bullying does leave behind a scar. It's not something you get over easily.
How do we give bullies power?
*Laughing at their jokes
*Acknowledging their presence as either important or worthy
*Engaging with them, enabling it by either participation or engagement
*Justifying their behavior and our own
And all of the above happen in our media. Have you seen the Office? Pam and Jim are bullies. Our media, tv, films, books often support bullying. More than they should. American humor more often than not caters to bullies - think about it, how often do you laugh at someone being embarrassed or humiliated? Glee is in some respects a satire about bullying in high school. Buffy the Vampire Slayer - was a story about bullies, Buffy slayed the bullies in her life.
How did I survive?
Well, two things helped - 1)my family and 2)my imagination or ability to live inside my head and create a vivid fantasy life
I was lucky in another respect - Facebook, cellphones, twitter, livejournal, etc were not invented. We did not have the internet. So when I was teased - it was in person and at school, only. I did not have to deal with it at home or online. What is happening on Facebook is scary. And we can stop it. If we work together we can stop it - the same way we did on fanboards whenever someone began bullying another fan. Say no to bullying.
But how to stop it? Is defriending the bully, removing them from your sight, enough? OR does that make it worse? I don't know. I do know if you are currently suffering from bullying - that it gets better, school ends, and you can avoid these assholes in life. They can't survive in the workplace - there are laws that keep them in check. And most people won't tolerate them. Once you get past school, bullies start to drop out of favor. It got better for me.
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no subject
Date: 2010-10-14 02:53 am (UTC)I got frog hands and feet in my purse in 9th grade.
I'm glad you were able to tell your parents. I didn't bring it home at all. Not really. When ever I talked about it, there was a general agreement that I just needed to toughen up.
The way it gets better, is that as an adult you get to pick the people you associate with, it isn't just location driven, the school you go to, or neighbourhood kids. And with the internet, even wider.
no subject
Date: 2010-10-14 03:14 am (UTC)I feel for these kids. Because that prison extends to Facebook.
As my Aunt told me over the weekend - my parents and family were the reason I was able to survive it in part. I could tell my mother anything. We have that sort of relationship - which I realize is unique and rare. Most people don't have it.
no subject
Date: 2010-10-14 03:26 am (UTC)I never could really make things better for my big sister, although I think she knew how much I loved and admired her.
But I think that more kids need to learn that bullying can be stopped, or at least minimized, if other kids are aware of it and stand up to it (giving the child who is being bullied some cover and support).
no subject
Date: 2010-10-14 06:23 am (UTC)I got lucky and no one from my old class was in the upper grades, so I managed to turn things around.
Thing is it really damaged something within me, first there's the fact that deep down, I still wish those people will die a slow and painful death, though I know now that they were just kids back then and and at least some of them changed a lot and turned actually into nice people.
And the second thing is that it made me into a very calculating person. I attribute the fact that I got along with the second class not to them being nicer people, but to me learning to lie and manipulate. I consciously planned every word I said. It's like I wrote my own script for high school life.
There were eventually some real moments when I was 16/17, but before that I was getting by entirely by mimicry.
There is one regret I have though, when I was twelve one of the girls who bullied me was raped by one of the boys who bullied me. Back then I didn't recognize it as rape (she had announced loudly that she wanted to sleep with this boy, but I'm fairly convinced she did not want it without a condom and 7 of his friends watching) and I never did anything about it.
It took me a while to get that I can't just avoid bullying but that I have to confront the bullies and stand up for other people too, if I want to be a better person than them.
no subject
Date: 2010-10-14 05:06 pm (UTC)People often will shrug off bullying - it's something kids do, or it happens to everyone. But it leaves deep scars.
My snark is a direct result of being bullied, as is my 0 tolerance for it. I tend to take the direct approach.
Or I'll hide.
And I seriously can't remember 80% of it, I know it happened because my mother remembers it. Or it is written down. But I chose to forget. Another coping mechanism.
There is one regret I have though, when I was twelve one of the girls who bullied me was raped by one of the boys who bullied me. Back then I didn't recognize it as rape (she had announced loudly that she wanted to sleep with this boy, but I'm fairly convinced she did not want it without a condom and 7 of his friends watching) and I never did anything about it.
You were 12. What could you have done? Outside of telling a parent or teacher (assuming there was one you were comfortable enough with to tell). And I'm guessing at 12 - you were probably struggling with fear towards the boy, and anger at the girl.
The bullies I stood up to, weren't that scarey. Thank god.
no subject
Date: 2010-10-14 06:16 pm (UTC)yep, I have that too, bullies are, even know that I'm no longer their target, people I deeply despise. It's the quickest way to make a bad impression on me that I'll not get over.
You were 12. What could you have done? Outside of telling a parent or teacher (assuming there was one you were comfortable enough with to tell). And I'm guessing at 12 - you were probably struggling with fear towards the boy, and anger at the girl.
I could have gotten what happened and yes, told a grown up. I guess teachers were out of question, but my family was trustworthy and I just guarded the secret along with the others.
It wasn't so much that I was afraid of him, my hatred for this people was totally self destructive at that point and physically I could take him, he was 12 too after all.
It was more that I didn't really get what had happened. She had gone down to the boys room to visit him and then came back crying, saying that they had slept together.
She had pressed up against him to hide from a teacher and then his cock got the better of him and though she said "not now" and all the guys were watching (one having at least the sense to offer a condom, which the dude didn't take) they had sex.
She was crying but she didn't realize that this was rape herself at the time (and he sure as hell didn't). She wasn't pretty, she had loudly proclaimed to want him. She hadn't tried to physically fight him (she was bigger than him).
On the next day she was back to joking with the same guys who had stood by and watched. It was her coping mechanism, stupid as I was I thought she really wasn't affected, but of course she was, her grades took a nose dive that year and she fluked the grade.
To the day I'm happy that at least nothing like that happened to me.
no subject
Date: 2010-10-14 10:00 pm (UTC)It is capitalism, yes? So bullying is kinda required to survive on an economical level. As media is a mirror of our society - it is no wonder that a suitable ideology is portrayed.
I'm glad for You that You found a non-harmful coping machanism (self harming as well as other harming) and the insight You display. All the best! :-)
(Since we are sharing stories of our lives, i'll share, too: When writing a paper in school - i was 8 or 9 - i wrote about a beating i got from my father. The teacher marked my paper red, because i used the wrong word for "beating". I only got what happened with that one when i was 16 or so - but still makes me feel bad for all the kids out there with heartless and clueless teachers.)