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shadowkatAfter my shower, meditation, breakfast, etc this morning - I filled up a medium size, bright metallic blue water bottle. Its metal. And fairly noticeable or so one would think. I mean it's not something one can easily misplace. Besides I filled it with water and screwed on the top. Then I put it down beside my computer and went about my business - or so I thought.
When I went to turn on my computer, I could not find the water bottle any where. It was if it had mysteriously disappeared or someone had absconded with it - I live alone on the third floor, with no access to the apartment besides my double locked front door. So the absconding part is kind of impossible. I searched the entire apartment. The bathroom, around the toilet, underneath vanity, under the bed, behind the night stand, beneath the night stand. In the shower. In the toilet. Underneath the Television. Under the kitchen counters. In the sink. In the fridge. Every where. I had not left the apartment. And I live alone. It was no where to be found.
At lunch time, I inform mother that I have somehow misplaced my water bottle - it has mysteriously disappeared and I'm finding it more than a little unsettling. It has to be somewhere. Mother commiserated.
Then around about 8PM, I mention it again.
Me: I'm unsettled about the missing water bottle. It's not a small water bottle. It's like it just de-materialized? Or something.
Mother: Could you have taken it out of your apartment and left it somewhere?
Me: No, I hadn't left the apartment yet when I lost it.
Mother: Maybe it rolled under a counter somewhere or an arm chair? I'm sure it is somewhere.
Me: Well, I've looked. But here's the thing - it's not an easy thing to lose. It's not like a ring or a bunch of papers. OR a cell phone. It's big, metallic blue, and filled with water.
Mother: So you're concerned there might be a pool of water somewhere?
Me: Well, yeah. Also, I'm beginning to wonder if the Universe is trying to drive me crazy?
Mother: It'll turn up, this happens to me all the time.
[As an aside - at this point our line disconnects. It does that. It's like we're constantly in one of those commercials - "Are you there?" or "Can you hear me now?" At lunch it disconnected three times - mother was there, then she was gone. I called back. It happened again. I called back - we said good bye just before it happened a third time. Same deal tonight.
In addition? My connection to my remote computer at work kept freezing or disconnecting. I had to reboot it three times. Actually I've had to do that repeatedly since well...forever. I've kind grown used to it. When it doesn't happen, I'm thrilled. I think it hates it when I jump away from it to check home email or check something on the internet. It's a jealous thing, I can say that much about it. And kind of needy.]
I get off the phone with mother. Still unsettled. I am wondering if I have a gremlin? Or something? But why would it want that particular water bottle?
I make up a fanfic about the water bottle - as I'm hunting for it, which I've done periodically today. In the fanfic - I've time traveled from the future to grab the water bottle for a drink and forgot to put it back. That also doesn't work logically. Maybe it's a ghost? But how would it be able to lift the water bottle?
I go to the bathroom, get up and look at the little ledge where I have my water flosser - and there's the water bottle. Sitting in front of it. Plain as day.
Mother: You just found the water bottle.
Me (laughing): Yep (I tell her where I found it.) I hid it from myself.
Mother: Or you have a little ghostie who is having fun with you.
Me: I do wonder at times. I think the pandemic is starting to drive me insane.
Mother: Well, I'm slowly coming to accept the fact that I will always be in pain now and be a little crazy.
Me: Yeah, well, I'm already there.
Mother: Meanwhile you're brother cleaned out his hot tube, changed out the tubeing, replaced the fuel, and put it all back together again today. He's also re-caulked his bathtubs. [Pause] He's so unlike your father.
Me: Thank you for saying that. I'm like my father. I can't get myself to enamel my tube - I figure why bother - it will get that way again soon anyhow. Hearing what my brother and other handy people do around their homes - just makes me tired. I rent for a reason, so I don't have to do that.
Mother: Well your father certainly never did. He wasn't into baking bread, gardening, painting or any of those things. Handy - he wasn't.
Me: I'm alot like my father - because neither am I.
***
I realized today why the sexual harassment scandal against the Governor is getting on my nerves. I'm afraid of him leaving. (I have a love/hate relationship with our Governor, I'm guessing I'm not alone in this.) He's actually done a good job to date. My job and workplace is kind of wrapped up with whatever the Governor does. When Spitzer left - we were spun into chaos. (Why has the Me#Too Movement only taken out moderate liberals who've helped the world, and not the equally guilty evil alt-right Republicans? Can someone explain that to me?]
Also, the damn media is trying to try the case on its own. It doesn't know anything. All it knows is the vague allegations the three women made. Cuomo has been our Governor since... 2010. There are no term limits. But the term is four years. In both terms - he won against progressive Democrats. The Progressives hate him.
So let's see - Cuomo has been Governor since 2010? Only three women came forward - all this year? They didn't come forward until 2020/2021 - during a pandemic no less. (Because yes, let's make it all about them - and their pain.) When one of them is running on a progressive ticket for Manhattan Borough President? And the Mayor of NYC is a progressive?
I'm furious with them at the moment.
Here's the claim?
"The Governor asked me if I missed hugs during the pandemic. I wasn't sure how to respond, it made me uncomfortable. So I said I missed hugging my parents. He said, no I mean really being hugged."
How is this bad? I've been asked that.
I'm a little worried, and I admit I am not at my best when I'm worried.
***
I started out the day in a great mood by the way. Then I lost the water bottle, and it spiraled down hill from there.
On a brighter note? I did get two of my three packages - the big boxes from Brooklyn Linen showed up. FedEx delivered them - and left them downstairs. FedEx is interesting. They will bring upstairs and leave by my door - small little packages. But big packages that are hard to carry, they leave downstairs. Because they are too lazy to cart them upstairs in their carts. (I have an elevator - two actually, there's no excuse.)
So I went down - cursed when I saw how big they were and pushed them to the elevator, then with some help from the guy who got off the elevator pushed them inside it. Then went up to the third floor and pushed them out of the elevator. Then carted one to my apartment, then carted the other, and pushed them inside the apartment. They are now sitting in my living room waiting patiently to be opened and played with. (It's pillows, weighted duvet, duvet cover & matching sheets, quilted shams, and pajama top. I considered the quilt but too pricy. I may still get one.)
The binoculars are coming tomorrow - which is cool, because I can use them on my walks around Greenwood Cemetery and Prospect Park over the weekend and on my days off.
***
Dentist called.
Dentist: It's been a long time since your last dental checkup.
ME: I don't need one.
Dentist: But it's been a while.
Me: I don't want one.
Dentist: But you need one.
Me: No, I don't. My teeth are fine.
Dentist: How do you know?
ME: Because they feel fine and I've never had a cavity in my life.
Dentist: You say that now -
ME: I'm fifty-three years of age.
Dentist: Oh but -
Me: Look, it's a pandemic. I'm not risking my life for a dental appointment now. I can wait.
Dentist: Oh, goodbye then.
Seriously, people need to learn how to accept the word "no". Also, since when does a dentist call you? It should be the other way around? That stinks of a desperate dentist. Desperate dentists make me nervous. And if I'm not willing to eat at a restaurant, get a massage, or have a hair cut - I'm not going to a dentist unless absolutely necessary. It can wait until the fall.
So did a few scammers. The extended warranty guys will not give up. It must be a profitable scam on some level?
***
I also did laundry. Didn't run into anyone really until I was taking the laundry out. I ran into the young cute guy with the little kids. Although he looks a lot like my brother did when my brother was in his early thirties. It was six feet apart. The young guy with the kids was using a bandana tied around his mouth as a mask (apparently he hasn't gotten the memo on masks yet), and the other guy who came down, after he'd left, to put stuff in the washer - was wearing a good mask. He didn't say a word. We kind of socially distanced around each other.
Laundry is a weird experience in a city. It's kind of social and kind of really not. Was always that way - the pandemic has just made it weirder.
Anyhow, Thursday afternoons are proving to be a good time, well for the most part.
***
I got into it with folks on Facebook. Apparently I was wrong - the City is not mis-managing the sites. And is as well-run as the state. A friends ...I'm not sure friend is the right word? Acquaintance? I met her at church a few times - she left to join a synagogue (and yes, I found that odd too - one doesn't normally leave a Christian demonmination to join a synagogue - and at that time, we were leaning heavily towards Christianity - now she posts all these photos of her family practicing Jewish holidays), and she was part of the social justice group with me, also we both work for Crazy org - except in different agencies and positions. So we really have only seen each other on FB or via email. I know you about as well as I know her. And you know more about me than she does. For example she doesn't know what's going on with my mother at all.
Anyhow JS, is a volunteer with one of the city sites. Apparently among other degrees, she managed to snag a medical degree - and is part of the Medical Reserve Corps. And according to her they are 95% on time. So either the media is lying to me again, Kensington FB page is lying, or she's right.
And another church acquaintance informed me that she got it through the H+H Hospital system which was on time. I tried to argue. JS smacked me down - saying I was wrong, and I was providing false information, and could dissuade someone from getting it at a city site. Then my Uncle D felt the need to go at me for dissing Pennsylvania, and how poor PA barely had any distribution of vaccines - because hello, PA.
D: We have no distribution here in PA at all.
Me: Well, it is PA.
D:I've been to NYC, you don't want to have this debate with me. The only thing better about NYC is we have more Republicans than you do.
Me: Frigging hell, you've only visited NYC. I've lived here for 23 years, I've lived in PA for 12 years, I've lived in Kansas City for 17 years, I've lived in Colorado Springs for 4 years, I spent two months in London, and came back the following summer and spent another month, also two months in France, and a month in Australia. NYC is wonderful. You can't offer an opinion on a place that you visited briefly or just stayed in the hospital with your son. It's not the same thing!
But instead of posting that rant or trying to fix the post to appease JS, which is impossible. I just deleted the whole post and gave up on the main FB page for today. I've been frequenting the private closed GH fan board instead. [I've learned the best way to deal with a problematic post is to delete it. It works very well on FB and DW, not so well on Twitter. It's hard to delete stuff on Twitter. I can, but no one cares what I do on Twitter and I working hard to keep it that way. ]
***
As you can see it's been a bit of a day. Also it's cold again. But it supposed to warm up over the weekend in time to hit fifty for my birthday.
So maybe I'll be able to walk?
Mother told me at lunch that my brother was feeling empathy for me today. (Which apparently surprised her for some reason - and she felt the need to convey it to me.) That he was telling her how while listening to all these stories about people living alone, he realized that's what I've been doing. While he has a family. Or about people feeling lonely with roommates or spouses, but how I'm actually alone during this with no real relief from it.
It's not that bad. I get along well on my own for the most part. Much as I love people they can be taxing at times. Also my job is people intensive - via email and teams and the phone. And I live in an apartment in the middle of a city - I see people. I interact with them on some level. It could be worse - I could be stuck with someone who is driving me nuts.
I feel for my poor mother more. She misses my Dad so much. And worries about him. Her cousin was driving her nuts over the phone today - trying to talk her into convincing my brother or I to drop everything and move in with her until the crisis was over. And she was mobile. That way my Dad come home. Apparently friends of hers had done this. My brother could even get the vaccine early - and it would be wonderful. My mother told her no - that would not work, it would be a disaster. And spent about twenty minutes trying to get across to me that it wasn't what she wanted and she didn't want us to feel guilty or worried about not being able to do that.
I can't drive. I've not driven in 25 years. I'd kill someone if I tried. (I have a driver's license, because NY State is insane and I did drive over 25 years ago in Kansas.) Also, I have a full-time job, and while I could do Family Medical Leave - I couldn't do it for six-eight months, without repercussions. And I can't afford to leave my job, and my parents can't afford to support me. I also suck at care-giving. I can't lift my mother or father. I don't know what to do. And I'm like a deer in the headlights regarding health-related issues. My mother knows this - I remind her of my father in this way. She doesn't judge me for it at all. Other people do, she doesn't. My mother is a lot like her own mother - who equally hated asking people for help, and understood those who couldn't be health-care givers.
My brother, who is a care-giver, can't do it either. For one thing, he'd have to drive down. He's not eligible yet for the vaccine, and New York like everywhere else is a nightmare. The place my parents are at - wouldn't let him in. Assuming of course he could get that far. There's quarantine things in effect, and there's variants - highly contagious varianst wandering about NY State and the Southeast. Not everyone is wearing masks. Some of the Southern States are ignoring it completely. My brother has a 16 year old daughter who had mono last year, and a wife, who may have gotten COVID last February and whose friend is a long-hauler. He is also working now - on various projects, some for money, and some around his home. He can't just up and leave everything and take care of our parents full time.
Our parents knew this and did not want us to be put in that position. They refused to be put in it for their parents. So they moved into an independent retirement/assisted care community, with a memory care/long-term nursing facility. But they didn't count on a pandemic. My mother was supposed to be able to visit my father in the long-term care facility. She was supposed to be able to take care of him at home. But she broke her hip, and is in pain and immobile and it is almost impossible to get physical therapy and she's not gotten the second dose yet.
So here we are.
I've not shared any of this with my extended family members or on FB - because honestly, I don't need the judgement and the opinions of people who think they know what's best. Or feel the need to impose their own situation onto us. I've also stopped going to the Bible Study Group - because I don't need their judgement either. I don't share it with my co-workers for much of the same reasons, although a few know the gist of it.
No, it's just you - you poor souls on Dreamwidth who've stuck with me through all of this, that I tell. The one's who were judging me - at the beginning, have long since gone or wisely just stopped saying anything. I thank you for just listening, occasionally commenting in support or commiseration, or merely scrolling on by. I need to have somewhere and someone to tell it to besides my mother... and well, Wales, who can't help but unload her insanity onto me at the same time.
One more month I tell myself. Just one.
I just have to make it past March.
The spring will be better. Things will get better.
I'm not alone in this I think...since I see the same statements repeatedly on the Governor's emails - we all just have to get to April.
Everyone seems to be saying this - hold out until April, when more people are vaccinated.
And more are getting the vaccine now. My doctor's office announced that it now had both the Pfizer and the Johnson & Johnson. The Johnson & Johnson is a potential game-changer - since it can get more of the population vaccinated much faster. It's just one dose, and no side-effects. Also no cold storage. Similar to the flu shot. Crazy Org has gotten 12,000 vaccinated and is trying to get to 20,000, they have 75,000 employees.
So I've hope that things will get better soon. Just have to get past March.
That's all. And..hey, I found the water bottle.
When I went to turn on my computer, I could not find the water bottle any where. It was if it had mysteriously disappeared or someone had absconded with it - I live alone on the third floor, with no access to the apartment besides my double locked front door. So the absconding part is kind of impossible. I searched the entire apartment. The bathroom, around the toilet, underneath vanity, under the bed, behind the night stand, beneath the night stand. In the shower. In the toilet. Underneath the Television. Under the kitchen counters. In the sink. In the fridge. Every where. I had not left the apartment. And I live alone. It was no where to be found.
At lunch time, I inform mother that I have somehow misplaced my water bottle - it has mysteriously disappeared and I'm finding it more than a little unsettling. It has to be somewhere. Mother commiserated.
Then around about 8PM, I mention it again.
Me: I'm unsettled about the missing water bottle. It's not a small water bottle. It's like it just de-materialized? Or something.
Mother: Could you have taken it out of your apartment and left it somewhere?
Me: No, I hadn't left the apartment yet when I lost it.
Mother: Maybe it rolled under a counter somewhere or an arm chair? I'm sure it is somewhere.
Me: Well, I've looked. But here's the thing - it's not an easy thing to lose. It's not like a ring or a bunch of papers. OR a cell phone. It's big, metallic blue, and filled with water.
Mother: So you're concerned there might be a pool of water somewhere?
Me: Well, yeah. Also, I'm beginning to wonder if the Universe is trying to drive me crazy?
Mother: It'll turn up, this happens to me all the time.
[As an aside - at this point our line disconnects. It does that. It's like we're constantly in one of those commercials - "Are you there?" or "Can you hear me now?" At lunch it disconnected three times - mother was there, then she was gone. I called back. It happened again. I called back - we said good bye just before it happened a third time. Same deal tonight.
In addition? My connection to my remote computer at work kept freezing or disconnecting. I had to reboot it three times. Actually I've had to do that repeatedly since well...forever. I've kind grown used to it. When it doesn't happen, I'm thrilled. I think it hates it when I jump away from it to check home email or check something on the internet. It's a jealous thing, I can say that much about it. And kind of needy.]
I get off the phone with mother. Still unsettled. I am wondering if I have a gremlin? Or something? But why would it want that particular water bottle?
I make up a fanfic about the water bottle - as I'm hunting for it, which I've done periodically today. In the fanfic - I've time traveled from the future to grab the water bottle for a drink and forgot to put it back. That also doesn't work logically. Maybe it's a ghost? But how would it be able to lift the water bottle?
I go to the bathroom, get up and look at the little ledge where I have my water flosser - and there's the water bottle. Sitting in front of it. Plain as day.
Mother: You just found the water bottle.
Me (laughing): Yep (I tell her where I found it.) I hid it from myself.
Mother: Or you have a little ghostie who is having fun with you.
Me: I do wonder at times. I think the pandemic is starting to drive me insane.
Mother: Well, I'm slowly coming to accept the fact that I will always be in pain now and be a little crazy.
Me: Yeah, well, I'm already there.
Mother: Meanwhile you're brother cleaned out his hot tube, changed out the tubeing, replaced the fuel, and put it all back together again today. He's also re-caulked his bathtubs. [Pause] He's so unlike your father.
Me: Thank you for saying that. I'm like my father. I can't get myself to enamel my tube - I figure why bother - it will get that way again soon anyhow. Hearing what my brother and other handy people do around their homes - just makes me tired. I rent for a reason, so I don't have to do that.
Mother: Well your father certainly never did. He wasn't into baking bread, gardening, painting or any of those things. Handy - he wasn't.
Me: I'm alot like my father - because neither am I.
***
I realized today why the sexual harassment scandal against the Governor is getting on my nerves. I'm afraid of him leaving. (I have a love/hate relationship with our Governor, I'm guessing I'm not alone in this.) He's actually done a good job to date. My job and workplace is kind of wrapped up with whatever the Governor does. When Spitzer left - we were spun into chaos. (Why has the Me#Too Movement only taken out moderate liberals who've helped the world, and not the equally guilty evil alt-right Republicans? Can someone explain that to me?]
Also, the damn media is trying to try the case on its own. It doesn't know anything. All it knows is the vague allegations the three women made. Cuomo has been our Governor since... 2010. There are no term limits. But the term is four years. In both terms - he won against progressive Democrats. The Progressives hate him.
So let's see - Cuomo has been Governor since 2010? Only three women came forward - all this year? They didn't come forward until 2020/2021 - during a pandemic no less. (Because yes, let's make it all about them - and their pain.) When one of them is running on a progressive ticket for Manhattan Borough President? And the Mayor of NYC is a progressive?
I'm furious with them at the moment.
Here's the claim?
"The Governor asked me if I missed hugs during the pandemic. I wasn't sure how to respond, it made me uncomfortable. So I said I missed hugging my parents. He said, no I mean really being hugged."
How is this bad? I've been asked that.
I'm a little worried, and I admit I am not at my best when I'm worried.
***
I started out the day in a great mood by the way. Then I lost the water bottle, and it spiraled down hill from there.
On a brighter note? I did get two of my three packages - the big boxes from Brooklyn Linen showed up. FedEx delivered them - and left them downstairs. FedEx is interesting. They will bring upstairs and leave by my door - small little packages. But big packages that are hard to carry, they leave downstairs. Because they are too lazy to cart them upstairs in their carts. (I have an elevator - two actually, there's no excuse.)
So I went down - cursed when I saw how big they were and pushed them to the elevator, then with some help from the guy who got off the elevator pushed them inside it. Then went up to the third floor and pushed them out of the elevator. Then carted one to my apartment, then carted the other, and pushed them inside the apartment. They are now sitting in my living room waiting patiently to be opened and played with. (It's pillows, weighted duvet, duvet cover & matching sheets, quilted shams, and pajama top. I considered the quilt but too pricy. I may still get one.)
The binoculars are coming tomorrow - which is cool, because I can use them on my walks around Greenwood Cemetery and Prospect Park over the weekend and on my days off.
***
Dentist called.
Dentist: It's been a long time since your last dental checkup.
ME: I don't need one.
Dentist: But it's been a while.
Me: I don't want one.
Dentist: But you need one.
Me: No, I don't. My teeth are fine.
Dentist: How do you know?
ME: Because they feel fine and I've never had a cavity in my life.
Dentist: You say that now -
ME: I'm fifty-three years of age.
Dentist: Oh but -
Me: Look, it's a pandemic. I'm not risking my life for a dental appointment now. I can wait.
Dentist: Oh, goodbye then.
Seriously, people need to learn how to accept the word "no". Also, since when does a dentist call you? It should be the other way around? That stinks of a desperate dentist. Desperate dentists make me nervous. And if I'm not willing to eat at a restaurant, get a massage, or have a hair cut - I'm not going to a dentist unless absolutely necessary. It can wait until the fall.
So did a few scammers. The extended warranty guys will not give up. It must be a profitable scam on some level?
***
I also did laundry. Didn't run into anyone really until I was taking the laundry out. I ran into the young cute guy with the little kids. Although he looks a lot like my brother did when my brother was in his early thirties. It was six feet apart. The young guy with the kids was using a bandana tied around his mouth as a mask (apparently he hasn't gotten the memo on masks yet), and the other guy who came down, after he'd left, to put stuff in the washer - was wearing a good mask. He didn't say a word. We kind of socially distanced around each other.
Laundry is a weird experience in a city. It's kind of social and kind of really not. Was always that way - the pandemic has just made it weirder.
Anyhow, Thursday afternoons are proving to be a good time, well for the most part.
***
I got into it with folks on Facebook. Apparently I was wrong - the City is not mis-managing the sites. And is as well-run as the state. A friends ...I'm not sure friend is the right word? Acquaintance? I met her at church a few times - she left to join a synagogue (and yes, I found that odd too - one doesn't normally leave a Christian demonmination to join a synagogue - and at that time, we were leaning heavily towards Christianity - now she posts all these photos of her family practicing Jewish holidays), and she was part of the social justice group with me, also we both work for Crazy org - except in different agencies and positions. So we really have only seen each other on FB or via email. I know you about as well as I know her. And you know more about me than she does. For example she doesn't know what's going on with my mother at all.
Anyhow JS, is a volunteer with one of the city sites. Apparently among other degrees, she managed to snag a medical degree - and is part of the Medical Reserve Corps. And according to her they are 95% on time. So either the media is lying to me again, Kensington FB page is lying, or she's right.
And another church acquaintance informed me that she got it through the H+H Hospital system which was on time. I tried to argue. JS smacked me down - saying I was wrong, and I was providing false information, and could dissuade someone from getting it at a city site. Then my Uncle D felt the need to go at me for dissing Pennsylvania, and how poor PA barely had any distribution of vaccines - because hello, PA.
D: We have no distribution here in PA at all.
Me: Well, it is PA.
D:I've been to NYC, you don't want to have this debate with me. The only thing better about NYC is we have more Republicans than you do.
Me: Frigging hell, you've only visited NYC. I've lived here for 23 years, I've lived in PA for 12 years, I've lived in Kansas City for 17 years, I've lived in Colorado Springs for 4 years, I spent two months in London, and came back the following summer and spent another month, also two months in France, and a month in Australia. NYC is wonderful. You can't offer an opinion on a place that you visited briefly or just stayed in the hospital with your son. It's not the same thing!
But instead of posting that rant or trying to fix the post to appease JS, which is impossible. I just deleted the whole post and gave up on the main FB page for today. I've been frequenting the private closed GH fan board instead. [I've learned the best way to deal with a problematic post is to delete it. It works very well on FB and DW, not so well on Twitter. It's hard to delete stuff on Twitter. I can, but no one cares what I do on Twitter and I working hard to keep it that way. ]
***
As you can see it's been a bit of a day. Also it's cold again. But it supposed to warm up over the weekend in time to hit fifty for my birthday.
So maybe I'll be able to walk?
Mother told me at lunch that my brother was feeling empathy for me today. (Which apparently surprised her for some reason - and she felt the need to convey it to me.) That he was telling her how while listening to all these stories about people living alone, he realized that's what I've been doing. While he has a family. Or about people feeling lonely with roommates or spouses, but how I'm actually alone during this with no real relief from it.
It's not that bad. I get along well on my own for the most part. Much as I love people they can be taxing at times. Also my job is people intensive - via email and teams and the phone. And I live in an apartment in the middle of a city - I see people. I interact with them on some level. It could be worse - I could be stuck with someone who is driving me nuts.
I feel for my poor mother more. She misses my Dad so much. And worries about him. Her cousin was driving her nuts over the phone today - trying to talk her into convincing my brother or I to drop everything and move in with her until the crisis was over. And she was mobile. That way my Dad come home. Apparently friends of hers had done this. My brother could even get the vaccine early - and it would be wonderful. My mother told her no - that would not work, it would be a disaster. And spent about twenty minutes trying to get across to me that it wasn't what she wanted and she didn't want us to feel guilty or worried about not being able to do that.
I can't drive. I've not driven in 25 years. I'd kill someone if I tried. (I have a driver's license, because NY State is insane and I did drive over 25 years ago in Kansas.) Also, I have a full-time job, and while I could do Family Medical Leave - I couldn't do it for six-eight months, without repercussions. And I can't afford to leave my job, and my parents can't afford to support me. I also suck at care-giving. I can't lift my mother or father. I don't know what to do. And I'm like a deer in the headlights regarding health-related issues. My mother knows this - I remind her of my father in this way. She doesn't judge me for it at all. Other people do, she doesn't. My mother is a lot like her own mother - who equally hated asking people for help, and understood those who couldn't be health-care givers.
My brother, who is a care-giver, can't do it either. For one thing, he'd have to drive down. He's not eligible yet for the vaccine, and New York like everywhere else is a nightmare. The place my parents are at - wouldn't let him in. Assuming of course he could get that far. There's quarantine things in effect, and there's variants - highly contagious varianst wandering about NY State and the Southeast. Not everyone is wearing masks. Some of the Southern States are ignoring it completely. My brother has a 16 year old daughter who had mono last year, and a wife, who may have gotten COVID last February and whose friend is a long-hauler. He is also working now - on various projects, some for money, and some around his home. He can't just up and leave everything and take care of our parents full time.
Our parents knew this and did not want us to be put in that position. They refused to be put in it for their parents. So they moved into an independent retirement/assisted care community, with a memory care/long-term nursing facility. But they didn't count on a pandemic. My mother was supposed to be able to visit my father in the long-term care facility. She was supposed to be able to take care of him at home. But she broke her hip, and is in pain and immobile and it is almost impossible to get physical therapy and she's not gotten the second dose yet.
So here we are.
I've not shared any of this with my extended family members or on FB - because honestly, I don't need the judgement and the opinions of people who think they know what's best. Or feel the need to impose their own situation onto us. I've also stopped going to the Bible Study Group - because I don't need their judgement either. I don't share it with my co-workers for much of the same reasons, although a few know the gist of it.
No, it's just you - you poor souls on Dreamwidth who've stuck with me through all of this, that I tell. The one's who were judging me - at the beginning, have long since gone or wisely just stopped saying anything. I thank you for just listening, occasionally commenting in support or commiseration, or merely scrolling on by. I need to have somewhere and someone to tell it to besides my mother... and well, Wales, who can't help but unload her insanity onto me at the same time.
One more month I tell myself. Just one.
I just have to make it past March.
The spring will be better. Things will get better.
I'm not alone in this I think...since I see the same statements repeatedly on the Governor's emails - we all just have to get to April.
Everyone seems to be saying this - hold out until April, when more people are vaccinated.
And more are getting the vaccine now. My doctor's office announced that it now had both the Pfizer and the Johnson & Johnson. The Johnson & Johnson is a potential game-changer - since it can get more of the population vaccinated much faster. It's just one dose, and no side-effects. Also no cold storage. Similar to the flu shot. Crazy Org has gotten 12,000 vaccinated and is trying to get to 20,000, they have 75,000 employees.
So I've hope that things will get better soon. Just have to get past March.
That's all. And..hey, I found the water bottle.
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Date: 2021-03-05 01:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 04:46 pm (UTC)That Darn Cat.
Or one of my feral kitties did...although they'd have to be Cat's that walked through Walls.
(I managed to do two cat titles (one a film, and one my favorite Robert Henlein novel, in less than two sentences.)
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Date: 2021-03-05 01:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 04:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 04:04 pm (UTC)I think it's because there's a constituency in the Dem party which advocates stronger protections for women's rights (as there is for minority rights). This means that they can punish, electorally, those politicians who might fall short. In the R party, in contrast, there is no constituency for women's rights or for minority rights. In fact, there's a strong constituency among the Rs *against* such rights ("grab them by the pussy"; Confederate flags; etc.).
In the short run, this is a one-sided battle as you point out and it's unfair and unsustainable. The women's rights advocates have to hope that in the long run they can enforce standards among all politicians by focusing on the Dems. My personal guess is that they will lose the battle. Politicians like Ralph Northam have shown that by simply ignoring the calls from the activists they can stay in power. I think that's what will happen with Cuomo.
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Date: 2021-03-05 06:08 pm (UTC)I think so too.
And the problem here - as I was discussing with a female co-worker today, who is a moderate Democrat, the timing is suspect. Cuomo has been Governor for a long time. The other two came forward - in support of Boylan, who is running on a progressive ticket for Manhattan Borough President. One claim is completely baseless - and easy to disregard. The one two aren't a lot better. A defense attorney could rip their arguments apart.
However, it could change how complaints are handled, and how one-on-one meetings are done. The investigation is mainly about the system in place and if it is legitimate, and if people enabled inappropriate behavior.
But it may do more to hurt the movement than help it.
I wish they were smarter about this - and put their energy towards mounting an attack against the system permitting it. Instead of going after individuals. It reminds me of the whole BLM thing - where they finally figured out the problem was the system. Similar with the Voting Rights issue - as long as a minority conservative faction can disenfranchise the majority's voting power - it can stay in power and do whatever it wants.
My difficulty with Charisma is she went after Whedon, when she should have gone after the WB and Whedon, like Fisher did. Charisma didn't help anyone with her Tweet. She took down someone who had lost power long ago - Whedon had no real power after 2017. The people who were responsible and had enabled Whedon - were Whedon's bosses and the rules in place in the structure around him. Taking down Whedon is kind of pointless. He's not that important. But going after Warner Brothers - can elicit real change. Ray Fisher has accomplished some of that in that WB is now changing who it hires as show-runners and changing it's perspective on things. But he did it at great cost to his own career and soon after the problems happened. I think he was much smarter in his approach. I also think he had more support and backing then she did. Plus timing is key.
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Date: 2021-03-05 06:21 pm (UTC)It's clear from what I've read from employment lawyers on the intertubes that none of the cases meets the current legal standard for sexual harassment.
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Date: 2021-03-05 07:29 pm (UTC)Lewis Morris: [as John Hancock is about to swat a fly] Mr. Secretary, New York abstains, courteously.
John Hancock: Mr. Morris, WHAT IN HELL GOES ON IN NEW YORK?
Lewis Morris: I'm sorry Mr. President, but the simple fact is that our legislature has never sent us explicit instructions on anything!
John Hancock: NEVER? [slams fly swatter onto his desk] That's impossible!
Lewis Morris: Mr. President, have you ever been present at a meeting of the New York legislature?
Lewis Morris: They speak very fast and very loud, and nobody listens to anybody else, with the result that nothing ever gets done
New York pre-Cuomo in a nutshell. He basically bullies them into submission.
There's a reason it is hard to pass the NY Bar exam - their laws contradict each other. I read the gun law and got a headache.
It's clear from what I've read from employment lawyers on the intertubes that none of the cases meets the current legal standard for sexual harassment.
Yeah, from what I know - per my research in 2000, I'd agree with that assessment. There's nothing here.
I mean we shouldn't have to deal with it - but it doesn't rise to that standard.
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Date: 2021-03-05 07:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 04:53 pm (UTC)I know it's easy for me to say "don't feel guilty", but I do want to say that I don't find anything you've mentioned worthy being guilty over. Caring for family doesn't always mean giving up your own life and doing it yourself. I wish more people recognized that. Sometimes it means understanding your strengths and understanding what would truly be best for everyone - it sounds like your parents chose an option that would allow them to live their best and then the pandemic hit. There's a lot to be said for staying in contact and communicating regularly - especially these days. I talk with both my parents more than I used to and I know it helps all of us just to know we're there to talk to.
And I have to laugh about your water bottle saga - LOL. When I misplace something, I usually blame one of the pets. The cat bears the brunt of this now since I've lost my dog. Poor cat. ;)
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Date: 2021-03-05 08:58 pm (UTC)Luckily no one FB is going off on the Cuomo thing - for once. I'm not on Twitter or not following it on Twitter.
I know it's easy for me to say "don't feel guilty", but I do want to say that I don't find anything you've mentioned worthy being guilty over. Caring for family doesn't always mean giving up your own life and doing it yourself. I wish more people recognized that. Sometimes it means understanding your strengths and understanding what would truly be best for everyone - it sounds like your parents chose an option that would allow them to live their best and then the pandemic hit. There's a lot to be said for staying in contact and communicating regularly - especially these days. I talk with both my parents more than I used to and I know it helps all of us just to know we're there to talk to..
Thank you! Yes, this exactly.
Sometimes all we can do is keep the lines of communication open.
When I misplace something, I usually blame one of the pets. The cat bears the brunt of this now since I've lost my dog. Poor cat. ;)
Well, I did consider blaming it on the mouse or mice...wandering about the apartment complex.
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Date: 2021-03-05 09:48 pm (UTC)I don't know too many details of NY politics, which is why I mentioned the GOP and the double standards there. Obviously any sexual harassment should be called out - just the widely varying treatment of it in media and among general republicans annoys me.
You could blame something much more interesting than pets - like trans-dimensional time-warps or something? Surely someone's been building some sort of experiment nearby since lockdown started and they have time on their hands?
heh... time.
on their hands.
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Date: 2021-03-06 04:37 am (UTC)You aren't wrong there, it's annoying me too. Actually I'm at the point right now that I've decided Republicans are synonymous with Domestic Terrorists, and there's not a lot of difference. In fact, I go out of my way to avoid political discussions with some folks. Today, I made sure a co-worker was Democrat or not a Republican before proceeding further.
like trans-dimensional time-warps or something? Surely someone's been building some sort of experiment nearby since lockdown started and they have time on their hands?
heh... time.
Hehe.
Actually I kind of did. I decided that my future self traveled back in time - and grabbed the water bottle then replaced it, having figured out she could get something from it. [ If people are playing with time - I wish they'd stop. ] Clearly we've both watched one too many time-travel sci-fi films or books in our life-times, because both our brains went there.
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Date: 2021-03-06 01:48 pm (UTC)Netflix has a new stand alone movie with time shenanigans called Shadow of the Moon that wasn't bad. /random