Year 2 - Days 127-129 : First Trip Into the Wilds Post-COVID

[shadowkat]

I've returned from the trip to see my brother, niece, sis-in-law and their cats in the wilds of upstate New York, with mixed feelings.

Basically just three hours away, two and a half into Manhattan or by car - but I don't drive and live in Brooklyn. So it was closer to four hours. Train ride home was for the most part uneventful. Both women who sat next to me on the train, one going up, and one going down, were vaccinated. Everyone wore masks on the train - it's federally mandated. Although we did pull them down to eat.



The new Monihan Train Station (see picture above) is a treat to behold. Quite beautiful. (But the portion belonging to NJ Transit is impossible to find your way around. I got lost in the NJ Transit section - which is oddly were I exited the Amtrak train - and found the restroom. I was hunting the subway home, which was apparently downstairs.) The NJ Transit/Amtrak bathrooms have nothing on the Amtrak/LIRR bathrooms up stairs. They also have a "gender/neutral" bathroom.




Train ride up was better than the ride home - which got soured by a bit of guilt trip from my brother on why I hadn't visited mother yet. His wife and daughter also didn't get it. I'm getting a lot of judgement from other people on this - to the point in which I wish I could snap my fingers and they could magically live my life in the space of 24 hours, then they can tell me what they would do. Granny always said - don't judge someone [When they went up they stayed in an airbnb, went to the beach every day, and took mom out to eat, because my brother can drive. They didn't stay in Mom's house, with my immobile mother and with the home health care aids, nor did they depend on ubers.] I got a guilt trip from my sister-in-law on Friday, when I arrived which plagued me. Of the three my niece was the kindest - she asked questions, but didn't get either. Anyhow, this was made so much worse by my youngest Aunt posting in response to a bunch of photos I'd posted of my brother, niece, and a walk up to the waterfall on FB - the following statement : "Since you are traveling again, maybe you can go check in on your parents. Just saying."

It upset me. Greatly. I deleted her comment, and unfollowed her. She'd been annoying me anyhow, for quite some time. As I said to the woman beside me, "I've discovered since the pandemic that this country is filled with judgemental nitwits." She wholeheartedly agreed.



The trip in of itself was okay, I guess. About the best one could hope for with me and my brother. We are kind of like oil and water, we don't mix well for long. Hence the three day weekend, not a four or five day weekend. I figured I could handle two days and two nights without too much difficulty. Go further - I over stay my welcome and one of us will be dead. Most likely me. Because unlike me, he has a cheer-leading section. Also my brother has a tendency to reconstruct past history, with himself in the victim or hero role. For example? He told a story about my parents forcing him to go K-Life Summer Camp in the Lake of the Ozarks and how he turned into an atheist as a result. Uhm no, in reality he begged them to send him - three years in a role, and even attended youth group meetings - because all his friends, and girlfriend went to it. My father disliked the camp's set up, and questioned it, and I found the whole thing annoying - also this phase of my brother's teenage development highly annoying. I was so happy when it ended. I got tired of him preaching Christian platitudes at me, and informing me that if you played Led Zepplin's Stairway to Heaven backwards, it was Satan worship. But THAT doesn't make as good a story to his Jewish wife and her Jewish friends- a much better story is that my parents sent him to this horrible Christian camp, that tortured them for five hours a week with a detailed story of the Crucifixion, in the blaring sun, and how kids fainted of heat stroke. As a result of this - he became an atheist. And his wife is so pleased by it - because of that camp, which clearly his parents knew all the details of - he became an atheist.

I was rolling my eyes in abject disbelief. I bit my tongue of course, and chose not to say, that's not how I remember it. I told his story to mother, who said - no they didn't force him to go. He begged them to go to it. For three years! Even went to after-school sessions. Didn't tell them any of that - at all. [I never asked to go, nor did they send me, nor did I want them to.] The only place they ever forced him to, ironically, is where he met his wife.

My brother has inherited my father and grandfather's tendency to embellish story-lines to make them more interesting, or themselves look great.

That round, I smartly kept my mouth shut. Not that I could have gotten much in there anyhow - with their performance. But on Saturday, when my brother was understandably slightly cranky from not having slept well the past two nights, and I was slightly cranky from not having slept all the well either, we did snap at each other a bit. The difficulty is we don't talk that much, if at all, and we don't know where each other's land mines are.

I did however finally find out why my brother can't watch Tom Hiddleston (Loki and The Night Manager) and despises the actor.

ME: I saw Loki, which is an interesting metaphysical mind-puzzle, but it stars Tom Hiddleston - and Mom tells me you can't stand the actor.
Brother: That's right. I can't watch that guy.
Me: Why?
Brother: Because he sexually harassed a good friend of mine for years, and wrecked her career.
Me: Whoa. Who?
Brother: I don't want to say or talk about it.

Then we argued about Bill Cosby. According to brother everyone knew about Bill Cosby. (I am sorry he did not know about Bill Cosby back in the 1980s, and not everyone did know. His brain is an interesting place - how he likes to rewrite history to make himself look good.)

It was admittedly my fault - since I made the mistake of stating how I kind of wish I didn't have this information, because now I won't be able to watch Hiddleston either. It does however explain a few things - like why his career hasn't quite taken off - as much as it should.

The other argument we had, was last night - after binge-watching six episodes of Ted Lasso on Apple TV. See niece is off to London soon, so my brother kept making cracks about the British. At one point he told her that from their point of view - we have the accent.

Niece: We don't have an accent.
Me: Yes, we do, we're very nasal and talk through our nose.
Brother: actually we talk the way the Brits used to talk, they actually changed how they speak now to differentiate themselves from us.
Me: Oh, I would love to see you tell them that.
Brother: It's absolutely true.
Me: I'm not saying it isn't. Just would love to see you tell them that.
Brother (getting huffy): It's true. You should believe me.
Me: Yeah well.. of course it is. You're right, I'm wrong.

[Brother left the room in a huff. Like he did with the Bill Cosby argument.]




I had a choice between the Barn and the upstairs bedroom. Either way I had to go down two flights of steps for the bathroom. The bathroom in the house - was nicer, and had toilet paper. Also well, the barn was more cluttered, dusty, and had cobwebs. We did try to watch a movie in the barn one night - Bro chose Egger's The Witch, but the sound wouldn't sync, so instead I got this weird imagery that creeped me out and gave me nightmares.

So, I opted for the room across from niece. Didn't bond as well with niece this round - she's in love or rather has a boyfriend she likes, not sure which. They aren't making out - just cuddling. What's amusing is her boyfriend loves country music, and favorite singer is Kenny Rogers. Niece despises Country music and Rockabilly. While her boyfriend dislikes Rap, which she adores. Meanwhile my brother is setting her up with a kid who's going to London in the fall too, and is six foot tall and pretty. Niece was aghast. They were making fun of what she should buy in preparation to London, and what shoes are in over there - I got kind of lost. I don't care about fashion or what is in. Apparently back in the 1980s, pantaloons were in - and a friend of theirs took that to London. (I have no memory of pantaloons being worn in London.)

***



On Saturday, I took a rough hike with bro and niece. They told me it was fifteen minutes, and an easy hike. It was rough, lots of rocks and twigs, also muddy in places - which meant I had to wash my shoes off in the river and with a hose when we got back home. Since of course, being less than nimble on my feet, I slipped into the muddy spots. Being more nimble, they didn't get any mud on their shoes and were wearing shoes that could get muddy. But it was to a lovely high waterfall. So completely worth the trip. We sat in silence watching it for a bit, on a couple of rocks long enough for my butt to grow numb.



The scenery was beautiful up there. The company...awkward with sections of okay. I think we were all a bit cranky, and anxious about things, to be honest. I took pictures of brother and niece and caught my brother in the middle of an eye-roll. I won't post their pictures here. Tempting, But no, probably not a good idea.

My brother and his wife are anxious about their daughter's trip to London in September. They may not be able to go with her - if the requirement to quarantine for ten days is still in place, niece would do it in her dorm and they'd have to do it separately, and there just would be no point. Also, they may have to cancel the trip entirely - which they are also worried about. Add to all of the above - mother is getting her hip replacement surgery round the time they have to leave. It would take a load off their shoulders if I could go down and help mother. (Mother's younger sister is going down to help out, which may work out better.) But I can't and I don't think they understand why and kind of resent me for it. I got a lot of rage and frustration from them both, particularly my sister-in-law who took care of her mother (except she didn't have to drive and her mother was in a Soho apartment, and it wasn't comparable in any way).

Sisinlaw is also very angry and frustrated. She's currently embroiled in local politics, and doing fund-raising events for the Democratic campaign. They are trying to unseat a Trumper. Because of said Trumper - they almost ended up with an insane ordinance passed by the County prohibiting Solar Farms. Also, while I was up there...she got pulled over by a cop. This was on her way home from roller-skating up on Albany. Sis-in-law was a championship roller skater in 1981, and her outfit was overalls and a black t-shirt, which is what she wears roller-skating. The only rink she could find was in Albany, because the one in town had been turned into a gun shop. (Yes, that's the culture up there apparently - she got the chicken we had for Friday night's dinner at Guns and Chicken, the place sells guns and the best chickens in the area. )

While we are watching the fourth episode of Ted Lasso.

Sisinlaw comes up and stands in the doorway: So that was fun, I was pulled over by the police tonight.
ME: Uh, can you stop the episode. please -
Sisinlaw: No, no, you don't have to stop it - I can tell you later.
Bro stops the episode and turns with a smile to his wife.
Bro, Me & Niece: Uhm no, you can't just drop a bomb like that and just leave.
Sisinlaw: well I've got to back up a bit. Stella (their friend who also happens to be Korean) was furious the other night - when the police pulled her over. She had drunk just one glass of wine and they gave her a DUI_A, which is Drinking Just Under the Legal Limit. And she had to get a lawyer and go to court - etc. She was furious. Her lawyer told her that the correct response is to say, "no, officer, I've not been drinking."
Bro: Except they usually can smell it on your breath.
Sisinlaw: I've not drank wine or anything in over 15 years. (It gives her migraines). Anyhow, so I'm driving along after roller-skating, and going the speed limit, actually below it. Because I know the cops are on the highways - they are below their quota and need to write more tickets. And a cop starts following me. After a bit he turns on his light and I pull over.
He comes up...asks for my license, while I digging around for it, he asks if I've been drinking. I tell him I haven't. He says, "well you were all over the road, didn't you see me?" I told him yes, I did, I pulled over.
He asks why was I all over the road? I tell him - "well, I may be tired after roller-skating for two hours at the Gutterman Rink..do you know it?" And point to my roller skats. He got this sad, dejected look on his face, and completely deflated. Turns out he knew the rink, and knew I was telling the truth - because no one would be drinking and roller-skating at the same time. It was bloody hilarious! See, this is why we have to defund the police!

Sisinlaw and Bro were cursing up a storm. They used "Fuck" a lot, and "Effing". It doesn't bother me - I'm used to it. But I was surprised by it. Both had a lot of anger in them and suppressed rage.

In short, I felt as if I was walking around in an energy mine field with huge elephant feet. Found it to be stressful. So happy to be home.



COVID

It was weird up there. I kind of freaked out a little when we left the train station - no one was wearing a mask. And having my mask off in the car with my brother was kind of surreal. Almost as if COVID didn't quite exist any longer. No one wore masks outside. We drove through town and I didn't see any masks. And bro informed me that few people even wore them indoors. "Well, we didn't ever have that may cases, the most we got was maybe 11 or 20 a day if that. And few deaths." Also, he informed me, "I don't see why people wear them outside, it's been proven that we don't need to wear them outdoors."

They do however wear them indoors in restaurants and other venues - sis-in-law told me. And she wears them rollerskating. She's the only one who wears a mask roller-skating.

Sisinlaw's best friend had a bad case of COVID. All the symptoms, and still has the after-effects, more than a year later. Exhaustion. Tinnitis in the ears. Brain Fog. Fatigue. Shortness of breath. Heart palpitations. She got the blood clots but not the aneurysms. The vaccine lessened it - but after a while they came back again.

Sisinlaw still has boils from the vaccine, which she'd never had prior to it. Nothing as bad as the staff infection - which was so disgusting she refused to show it to anyone.

Everyone I've talked to up there has lost all patience for the anti-vaxxers. The woman on the train ride home - was hoping they'd die of COVID. I told her that it was unlikely, they were hard to kill - kind of like roaches. The woman on the train was furious too. Furiously doing a cross-word puzzle next to me. I preferred Donna, who took the train up with me, and was kinder, gentler, and not as angry. She almost had a zen attitude about things. And was an essential worker - since she handles elder care. While the woman on the train furiously doing the cross-word, worked remotely and still is - safe in her significant other's home in Woodstock.
I don't mean to judge the furious cross-word puzzle lady - I get it. I'm furious too, but I'm also tired of being furious.

***

My brother has the perfect little frog pound. With loud bull frogs, dragon flies, cat tails, and lily pods - it's like something out of a story book.



I sat beside it on Friday and chatted with niece. She's become as difficult to talk to as bro. I asked questions, she'd give short answers in a tiny voice that I could barely hear. Half the time I couldn't. Still adore her to pieces. She's considerate, loving, and on some level - I get her.

We both agreed that our family is highly critical, judgemental, stubborn, opinionated, and sarcastic. These are not commendable traits by any stretch of the imagination.

Anyhow, on the last day I was there - a mother deer and baby fawn made an appearance. Bro and sisinlaw were less than impressed.

Me: You must be used to them by now.
Sisinlaw: I hate them.
Me: Why?
Sisinlaw: They are covered in ticks.
Me: Well, that's not their fault.

The problem is there's an overabundance of them. They do have coyotes, foxes, wild turkey and rabbits - but none of these are natural predators for deer.




And...




The trip as you can see was a mixed bag. I loved the natural world, the water fall, the frog pound, the flowers, the trees - not wearing a mask, being around people. But I wish I felt more comfortable around the people and less disconnected. It was as if I was an appendage or fourth wheel - invisible for the most part, or a fart that was there but being ignored and/or tolerated. I didn't know the rules, and struggled not to break them.

The problem I have with life sometimes is I can't seem to choose the people I am traveling through it with. Perhaps I'm not supposed to? It feels at times as if all anyone ever does is play-act or pretend. I only get glimpses of what lies beneath.

I leave you with a cat. Possibly the one that my brother wanted me to take home with me - complete with arthritis, and other related health issues. And the threat of more pictures on the morrow...

Comments

[mtbc]

Welcome home indeed! It sounds as if you did the best you could under the circumstances and I'm glad you're now safely back. Great deer photographs, they're hardly cooperative.

[shadowkat]

Thank you. Now I'm being pressured by everyone but my mother to visit her in Hilton Head.

[mtbc]

You and she are the only ones with any sense in this situation. You're right, you're hardly disposed to be a nursemaid, you can't drive, you'd just be uselessly stuck together when she already has help and you can already chat to each other now whenever you like. There's just no point.

[shadowkat]

Thank you!

You actually get it. We're better off at the moment - just chatting on the phone. If I were down there - I'd just be in the way. And everyone, including home health care aids, would expect me to take over her care - and I'm just not equipped to do it at all. I have had nightmares about it. I keep envisioning myself sitting at the wheel of her car trying to remember how to drive. I don't have the ability.

[cactuswatcher]

Oh well, your niece should be quite changed when she comes back from England (if she gets to go). Nothing like time away from parents to change a person. I remember my brother and sister coming back from their first terms in college acting much different than they had just the summer before.

The picture of the cat reminds me of a picture of your niece from a year or so ago. Might just be the photographer has a certain eye for style!

My grad school girlfriend was from Long Island. I teased her occasionally for saying "Oi" instead of "I!" She told me I didn't have any accent, which she knew perfectly well was nonsense. My accent is just the one we hear the most on TV.

[shadowkat]

Thanks - the cat photo though was taken by me, while the other one was a selfie taken by my niece - when she was into taking photographs. She got bored of it finally - and wasn't taking any when I was up there.

I agree - she'll be a different person the next time I see her. She always is. At 15 - she wanted to be an astrophysicist, loved snap-chat, taking photos, taking Chinese and wasn't into boys. Now, no interest in science, into human rights advocacy, has a boyfriend, dislikes languages, and hates snap-chat. But the essential essence is still there. Also she's making her parents slightly crazy - and I remember them both as teens - and they deserve every minute of it. And then some.

Yeah, folks don't think the midwestern accent is an accent - because everyone on television uses it.
But of course it is. Also if you listen closely, somewhat nasal.

[atpo_onm]

Welcome back!

There's that old cliche about how you can pick your friends, but your family...

The problem I have with life sometimes is I can't seem to choose the people I am traveling through it with. Perhaps I'm not supposed to? It feels at times as if all anyone ever does is play-act or pretend. I only get glimpses of what lies beneath.

If I put on my amateur psychologist's hat, I'd agree that one often only gets glimpses of what's "underneath" in other folks, but part of the reason for that is that the people in question are often just as, or more terrified of clearly seeing what's underneath them. You can go away from it, they can't. Acting out a persona is a very handy semi-solution.

Seems to me you did pretty good, considering, and hey... mighty cool waterfall!

And... awwwwwwww, cute kitty!

:-)

[shadowkat]

Yeah, my brother once stated that you can't choose your family...but I don't think we can pick either effectively. Friends kind of tend to drop into our lives, and choose us, and we choose them - mainly due to circumstances.

And yes, it's quite true - a lot of folks don't like looking at themselves clearly. They'd rather live in the idea or image of themselves. Our society is very self-involved, and narcissistic. It's not very self-aware.

[oursin]

The way people talk changes over time anyway - there is a paragraph in a memoir by Rebecca West in which she comments that the Australian accent in the nineteenth century was entirely different from C20th 'Strine'.

US accents would have been affected by the regions from which the early immigrants came - i.e. those stories about survivals of 'pure C17th English' in remote corners would actually be 'pure C17th somewhere dialect' probably. (As well as interaction with immigrants from other countries, probably.)

Also, just listening to old British movies/radio and TV archives shows how much change there has been in speaking King's/Queen's English in the past 100 years. (I so do not sound like Noel Coward!)

[shadowkat]

Yeah, exactly. All our accents have changed over time. We don't sound like the 16th century folks who colonized the US. None of us do. And we also have no real way of knowing what they sounded like - since people don't often write the way they speak. So we don't know what people sounded like back then, nor do we know if everyone sounded the same.

I'm guessing my brother read it somewhere, and decided it was true.

[yourlibrarian]

Ooh, waterfall and the deer!

[tellshannon815]

With regard to accents, I have a feeling I have heard that somewhere before about "Americans talking the way we used to", although I can't for the life of me think where. I have no idea how true it is - I'm open to either possibility being true.

I don't know that it's really possible to say there's such a thing as a "British accent" or "American accent" - for instance when I watched Lost I could tell that Jack's accent was different from Sawyer's, and Michael's was different again, all three men being from different parts of the country. Over here it's much the same - I've often explained the local accent of my home city as being very "Sam from Lord of the Rings" (I've tried not to pick that up and my own is more like the other hobbit Merry).

As for your brother and the Bill Cosby thing, that sounds very much like the guy I dated at St Andrews - he was always the one to say things like "I always thought there was something off about X!" To this day, I wish I'd dared to say to him "No, you didn't". Nine times out of ten, he was full of shit.

The cat is cute!

[shadowkat]

Thank you. The cat is 14 years old - old for the breed, but very cute and beautiful. It's part of the Maine Coon Cat family. They run very large apparently and due to the long hair, produce less dander, so less allergies.

I agree - there isn't really one British or American accent, although there is a general or text-book accent that most actors adopt and many agree on. For the Brit's - I think it's the straight London, or classical accent, and for the US, the Midwestern Broadcaster accent. Basically the one everyone who goes to university or college tends to end up with, with minor and major variations.

I wish I didn't feel the need to tell my brother that he is full of it, or no, you didn't. My life would be less stressful. But alas, he tends to push my buttons.

[trepkos]

I don't think I could stay in the same room as someone who hated deer.

[shadowkat]

Well, I didn't take her seriously - considering she posted photos of the baby fawn on instagram three months ago. Also, to be fair - there is an overabundance of deer in the area. Granted there's also an overabundance of humans - but we have more natural predators than the deer apparently. Deer may very well inherit the earth.

[trepkos]

That would be a lovely world. What are our natural predators?