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shadowkatPondering this livejournal habit. Been considering discontinuing. Breaking it off after a while...letting the postings dwindle away slowly, bit by bit.
Why? Well it feels less rewarding then it did before somehow, less connecting.
Like, as my pal Wales would state, there's a wall of ice separating us. Or we are mostly communicating behind a wall of masks. In some ways, I miss the more personal email - that I exchanged when I had the time with a few long distant friends. Hard to keep that up as well. An email only relationship.
It might be different, I suppose, if the people I saw in my daily life, face to face, kept journals, but outside of cjlasky, none do. As time wears on, the long distance relationships falter - as they often do without real face to face contact.
So the question becomes I guess - why am I posting these entries? Why not just stop cold? Would anyone really miss me if I did? Oh maybe for the first three or four months, the people who friended me might. Then again maybe not.
Is it to play with writing? Is it to get validation? Can't be that - get few if any responses to my posts nowadays, but was certainly a factor a year ago.
Is it the safety? Safe? Online Posting? I must be nuts. But I think there is a safety to it. You get the odd thrill of someone seeing what your writing, some stranger, and the protection of the mask. Sort of like going to a masquerade party where one can talk for hours, make a complete fool of oneself even, be someone else, but no risks - since you don't know who they *really* are.
You can't see their face. Except at a party you do see their eyes. Here?
No.
Is the connection real? Yes and no. I think we can connect through art and words, yet, yet...it is an unsatisfactory one. I want more. I want more than the possibility of an email response. I feel at times as if I'm reading a story that is great, yet, doesn't quite deliver what I want - I'm left with that odd yearning. That empty gap. Like a dancer reaching for a partner who has found another better one. OR perhaps the child who sees the rainbow and races to find it's end. I did that once upon a time, raced to find the end of a rainbow. We dashed across yards and fences and swimming pools hunting it. But whenever we got close, it was always just ever so slightly out of reach.
Inaccessible.
Reading "the three wish tv genie meme" on my flist, you know the one where you state what you wish was different in your favorite tv show, reminds of the same yearning. The yearning I have when I start reading a fanfic, story, book or watch a movie - that starts wonderfully, is so filled with promise and ends exactly as the writer wished it to, yet leaves me feeling that gap. That wall of ice. That sense of disconnect. Wait. Wait. I want to say. Why did you not go that a way instead? But I don't need an answer, I know it well - it's because they are satisfying the desire in their heads and perhaps in those around them. Me? I am unseen, outside.
Never been much of a groupie I'm afraid. Not much into following the flow. Going to group meets? Makes me break out metaphorically in hives. Ack. Ack. I think. Too many people. Too many conversations. Plus, well, there's always that jarring sensation when one realizes that one's interests and views don't quite jive with the group's. As a child - I remember my best friend at the time informing me that we needed to change our style, our interests, our tastes, in order to "fit" in. I remember backing away, slowly. I've joined many groups in my life time, stayed with none of them, a dilettant, dabbling.
But each one without exception unnerved me after a certain point in time.
There was the inevitable clash of personality, the pressure to conform.
I see it here as well in the internet world with its music swapping, file sharing, icons building, etc. And I feel the disconnect. The inevitable wall of ice. The sense...that somehow, I can't quite conform to the group dynamic.
Something in me, prevents it - does not want it.
It's a feeling that is hard to describe in words, this weird feeling of loneliness in a world filled with people. This weird disconnect...
And yet, even with the disconnect, the wall of ice, I still post entries, like an alcoholic who says this will be their last drink or the cigarette smoker who is always about to quit. A friend told me recently that the internet became my drug [or more to the point the discussion boards then later live journal] in 2002. I believe they are right. The question is...can I or should I go off of it, stop, quit?
I think these things while investigating taking Salsa classes.
Why? Well it feels less rewarding then it did before somehow, less connecting.
Like, as my pal Wales would state, there's a wall of ice separating us. Or we are mostly communicating behind a wall of masks. In some ways, I miss the more personal email - that I exchanged when I had the time with a few long distant friends. Hard to keep that up as well. An email only relationship.
It might be different, I suppose, if the people I saw in my daily life, face to face, kept journals, but outside of cjlasky, none do. As time wears on, the long distance relationships falter - as they often do without real face to face contact.
So the question becomes I guess - why am I posting these entries? Why not just stop cold? Would anyone really miss me if I did? Oh maybe for the first three or four months, the people who friended me might. Then again maybe not.
Is it to play with writing? Is it to get validation? Can't be that - get few if any responses to my posts nowadays, but was certainly a factor a year ago.
Is it the safety? Safe? Online Posting? I must be nuts. But I think there is a safety to it. You get the odd thrill of someone seeing what your writing, some stranger, and the protection of the mask. Sort of like going to a masquerade party where one can talk for hours, make a complete fool of oneself even, be someone else, but no risks - since you don't know who they *really* are.
You can't see their face. Except at a party you do see their eyes. Here?
No.
Is the connection real? Yes and no. I think we can connect through art and words, yet, yet...it is an unsatisfactory one. I want more. I want more than the possibility of an email response. I feel at times as if I'm reading a story that is great, yet, doesn't quite deliver what I want - I'm left with that odd yearning. That empty gap. Like a dancer reaching for a partner who has found another better one. OR perhaps the child who sees the rainbow and races to find it's end. I did that once upon a time, raced to find the end of a rainbow. We dashed across yards and fences and swimming pools hunting it. But whenever we got close, it was always just ever so slightly out of reach.
Inaccessible.
Reading "the three wish tv genie meme" on my flist, you know the one where you state what you wish was different in your favorite tv show, reminds of the same yearning. The yearning I have when I start reading a fanfic, story, book or watch a movie - that starts wonderfully, is so filled with promise and ends exactly as the writer wished it to, yet leaves me feeling that gap. That wall of ice. That sense of disconnect. Wait. Wait. I want to say. Why did you not go that a way instead? But I don't need an answer, I know it well - it's because they are satisfying the desire in their heads and perhaps in those around them. Me? I am unseen, outside.
Never been much of a groupie I'm afraid. Not much into following the flow. Going to group meets? Makes me break out metaphorically in hives. Ack. Ack. I think. Too many people. Too many conversations. Plus, well, there's always that jarring sensation when one realizes that one's interests and views don't quite jive with the group's. As a child - I remember my best friend at the time informing me that we needed to change our style, our interests, our tastes, in order to "fit" in. I remember backing away, slowly. I've joined many groups in my life time, stayed with none of them, a dilettant, dabbling.
But each one without exception unnerved me after a certain point in time.
There was the inevitable clash of personality, the pressure to conform.
I see it here as well in the internet world with its music swapping, file sharing, icons building, etc. And I feel the disconnect. The inevitable wall of ice. The sense...that somehow, I can't quite conform to the group dynamic.
Something in me, prevents it - does not want it.
It's a feeling that is hard to describe in words, this weird feeling of loneliness in a world filled with people. This weird disconnect...
And yet, even with the disconnect, the wall of ice, I still post entries, like an alcoholic who says this will be their last drink or the cigarette smoker who is always about to quit. A friend told me recently that the internet became my drug [or more to the point the discussion boards then later live journal] in 2002. I believe they are right. The question is...can I or should I go off of it, stop, quit?
I think these things while investigating taking Salsa classes.
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no subject
Date: 2005-04-18 07:48 pm (UTC)But I do understand what you're saying. There are times when I want to reach out and shake the internet by its metaphorical shoulders and demand that it give me what I want - except that I don't really know what I'm looking for. Is it momentary amusement? Intellectual stimulation? Connection? A narrative of other people's lives to read? Sometimes all of the above, sometimes none. I don't know. I do believe that all this internet stuff has to be just a nice complement to everyday life, but at the same time there are things that it gives me that regular life can't. Well-reasoned, written arguments for one thing - very hard to find. Sure nothing replaces a good intense face to face conversation, but there's something very satisfying about the read and response method of communication here that seems to sharpen things in my mind.
What I really think is that we're coming off an intense love affair with BtVS and the board. It's been over for a while but I still miss it, yet at the same time don't really want replace it (a little too consuming it was). We were all very engaged in that experience and it gave all of these interactions a focus and a common ground. The common ground is still there of course but everything feels a lot more scattered.
I tell myself that when this disconnect that you talk about, between what I'm reading and what I want to see, gets too bothersome then that means I should be creating something of my own. But man, that's hard.
All I know is that the story you present to us, of your life in whatever form you care to share, is interesting to me, and it's something where I want to see what happens next.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-19 03:31 pm (UTC)I think it is striking a balance between the two that is important. And in a way with the new job, the loss of BTVS/ATS and along with that my interest in discussion boards, I've found that a balance is being created.
I'm no longer spending the extended hours on the internet I once did - when I was unemployed hunting a job on it. Or when I was at the horrible company and hunting a source of validation and release. Now it's more like a half hour or so, maybe two or three days a week, maybe less depending on the week. And no time at work - except to check personal email. The company firewall won't let me access entertainment sites, and while I can access livejournal, I prefer not to. I want to keep it separate from the work place.
What I really think is that we're coming off an intense love affair with BtVS and the board. It's been over for a while but I still miss it, yet at the same time don't really want replace it (a little too consuming it was). We were all very engaged in that experience and it gave all of these interactions a focus and a common ground. The common ground is still there of course but everything feels a lot more scattered.
I think this is true. I feel it's absence. More so in fact than other cultural obsessions I've had over the years, which I do not miss in the least. An obsessive love affair. Almost one sided - since the show didn't seem to see us most of the time - sort of like Spike's obsessive love affair with Buffy. While I do not miss the fights, I do miss the intellectual discussions - reading threads on boards that went on forever and went off on tangents. The best were in 2002, which may be why I adore S6 BTVS more than any other season, because that was the season I discovered the posters on the ATPO board and wrote my essays. I wonder at times if I miss the discussions more than the show? You can buy the show on DVD, but you cannot buy or hold onto the discussions - oh you can read them in the archives, sure, but somehow it isn't the same thing and we can't recreat them around something else. The commonality of interest - just isn't there anymore. And I think I got addicted to that.
I tell myself that when this disconnect that you talk about, between what I'm reading and what I want to see, gets too bothersome then that means I should be creating something of my own. But man, that's hard.
It's what I keep trying to do - create. Yet creating can be frustrating too. You can't always hit the right notes, pull out of the hat the rabbit.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-20 11:41 am (UTC)Heh. There were definitely times... I think too, it's the difference between being passive and active. With BtVS and the board I was able to move from being a passive viewer to one who was actively creating the experience of viewing with other people. Which sounds really pretentious, but it was definitely different from anything else. Kind of empowering. And I now I find myself a bit frustrated at this lack of input, or control, with other things. Probably why I don't feel as much enthusiasm for other shows, or why I sometimes find myself wanting to influence the direction of fanfiction whose authors invite comments ;)
All we can do is putter along, we can't know what needs or passions will suddenly overtake us. What happened for me with s6, that intense need to discuss, was unexpected. I may not have that feeling again. You never know.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-21 09:55 am (UTC)Felt somewhat the same way. While the earlier seasons and other tv shows entertained me, and yes there were points I'd tape them to ensure I didn't miss or discuss them with friends at work, home, etc - it was not until
S6 BTVS that I felt the need to discuss in more depth or analyze a tv show.
Can't see it happening again at this point. Seen lots of good tv shows before and since, some I'd say were probably tighter written than BTVS was, but none inspire me to write about them or their characters.
Nor for that matter did any of the seasons prior to 6 and 7 inspire me to write about them.
Was it the content of the show, those seasons? Or other factors merging that caused this desire/passion?
Not sure. Possibly it was like most things - a combination of unrelated variables coming together at the same time. At least for me.