Year 2 - Day #124...Me vs. the World
Jul. 20th, 2021 06:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadowkatHint? The world is winning. But I'm not quite down for the count.
Haven't heard how mother's trip to Charleston went - her appointment though was at 3:30 pm, so it's possible I won't hear anything until tomorrow. She may end up spending the night.
I hope it went well. She was seeing the orthopedic trauma specialist regarding her fractured hip - that won't heal and mysteriously fractured.
[She'd had a bone density test a week or so before, and was found to be fine. Also her doctor says it wasn't diabetes related - she's considered pre-diabetic. Doctor's confuse me.]
Update: Mother just called and apparently they want to do a hip replacement. Except because of what has already been done - they'll have to do it a bit differently. Also due to her age - it's the best approach. And, it will have to be done up in Charleston.
ME: Mother do you want me to come down? I can - I could take FMLA -
Mother: And do what? It's not as if you can drive me anywhere. Or really do anything. I did ask if your brother could come down for the hospital portion, and be there with me when I went into the hospital.
She's not being cruel. She's right. I can't drive. My brother can. And she has round the clock home health care aids. I'm not qualified to help her or assist her in any way. All I would do is get in the way. It rips me apart that I can't help - but I have to accept it and move on. What is that platitude? "Accept the things you cannot control, change the things you can, and have the wisdom to know the difference." It also means that I won't see her this year or will probably have to delay my visit a bit further along.
Be grateful if you are able to help family members, do not judge those who can't. Not that you are of course. But I'm just putting that out there. It's painful loving someone and being unable to help. And the world doesn't make it less so. Instead the world just continues to rub salt in my wounds and laughs like a hyena while it does it.
Sometimes I hate the world.
***
Talked to a bunch of co-workers today - basically everyone who was in the office with me. Found out some stuff - enough to make me wonder if I can afford to retire at 62 after all, although I should remember that I do not have the level of expenditures so many others have. Also the Railroad Retirement/Social Security thing is confusing as all get out. Every time I think I understand it - someone confuses me. Babs told me to call them.
Babs asked when I was going down to visit my parents and how they were doing. I told her I was pushing it off to the week after labor day. Dad was still in the nursing home, but his dementia was slightly better. And Mom was still struggling with a fractured hip since January 5. I couldn't go down - because I can't drive. (I explained why - my co-workers are actually understanding now. They know me well. So, they get why I don't and can't drive in NYC. One co-worker told me that her sister never learned to drive out of fear, while she had because she couldn't be in a car unless she was the one driving. The New Yorkers weirdly get it - more so than anyone else does. And I've run into a surprising number of folks over the years that like me - can't drive for similar reasons. So, I'm not alone at least.)
**
It's hazy in NYC today -- was told on the news that it is from the wildfires. I'm not sure which wild fires, the one's out west or closer by (assuming there are wild-fires closer by - and I don't know how there could be, since we've had a ton of rain this summer. What would burn?)
Have blisters on my heel from attempting to break new sandals - which I'd thought were fine after wandering around my neighborhood, but apparently not. Comfortable sandals are bloody difficult to find. [I had a flash of memory today - of my mother finally finding some red sandals for me to wear as a very little girl, and I went and played in them - losing one in the creek. Came home without a sandal. My mother was understandably upset.]
***
Most people are wearing masks on public transportation in NY. Also quite a few outdoors and indoors. Everyone is in the air train building, except for a scant few.
Co-workers are wearing them like I am. We're all being cautious, we're also hopeful that the staggered hybrid schedule will continue through the fall.
We can handle coming into the office every three days, excluding weekends.
Or about six times a month. Also just the handful of us doing so. That works too.
Mainly, I think we're all slowly figuring out how to navigate a pandemic.
Our lives have changed so much in such a short period of time - it's almost staggering, and yet at times, it feels like they haven't changed at all.
***
Scribe Forge sent me an email on writer's block and I liked this bit:
At the core of writer’s block is fear. Nothing more and nothing less. It’s hard to know where to begin because you can’t shake that worry of what if this sucks? It can feel like the entire world is watching over your shoulder, itching to judge you if you write something cheesy.
Those of us who spend too much time on the Internet may experience this on an even deeper level. We’re so used to comment sections filled with disapproval and mockery—not to mention comedy that is entirely based on making fun of people’s honest intents to follow their passions.
It’s hard to get out of that mindset, but while you’re in it, it’s impossible to write. Everything seems wrong and bad because, well, all we experience is people complaining that things are wrong and bad. How can you write freely with all that weighing on your shoulders?
This is at the root of my current writers block. It always has been. This fear of wasting time on something that is crap, or isn't very good. It comes from having been blasted in the past. Also the fear that people will judge me for what I've written or the characters that I've created - that they aren't "politically correct" or "progressive" or "offensive" in some way.
I've stopped reading book reviews, and avoid book twitter. And it has calmed a bit.
The only way I can write is when I find a way somehow to block out the world and others. Completely. It's just me and the story.
Lately what's thrown me off is learning about other writer's processes - it's made me second guess my own. I don't think linear, but I tend to write linear - mainly because if I don't I get confused. It's how I was taught.
I'm not sure anyone really thinks linearly, now that I think about it.
I tell myself I don't care what other people think. But of course I do. Not as much as I used to, but far more than I should. Or I wouldn't have put on eyeliner to go to work this morning.
***
COVID
According to co-workers, the infection rate is up in the Bronx and Long Island again - it's back to 2-3% in those areas, due to the folks who've not been vaccinated yet. We also think we may be on the hybrid schedule longer - fingers crossed. The commute is hard on everyone.
The virus has changed how I do my job. So many things that we did in person, we do virtually now. Some for the better, some for the worse.
***
Just when I thought I'd gotten rid of the mice - I saw one dash across the living room to the closet in the foyer.
Frigging mice. Probably live in the walls.
***
I find myself hunting good news. And exhausted by the lack of it.
Haven't heard how mother's trip to Charleston went - her appointment though was at 3:30 pm, so it's possible I won't hear anything until tomorrow. She may end up spending the night.
I hope it went well. She was seeing the orthopedic trauma specialist regarding her fractured hip - that won't heal and mysteriously fractured.
[She'd had a bone density test a week or so before, and was found to be fine. Also her doctor says it wasn't diabetes related - she's considered pre-diabetic. Doctor's confuse me.]
Update: Mother just called and apparently they want to do a hip replacement. Except because of what has already been done - they'll have to do it a bit differently. Also due to her age - it's the best approach. And, it will have to be done up in Charleston.
ME: Mother do you want me to come down? I can - I could take FMLA -
Mother: And do what? It's not as if you can drive me anywhere. Or really do anything. I did ask if your brother could come down for the hospital portion, and be there with me when I went into the hospital.
She's not being cruel. She's right. I can't drive. My brother can. And she has round the clock home health care aids. I'm not qualified to help her or assist her in any way. All I would do is get in the way. It rips me apart that I can't help - but I have to accept it and move on. What is that platitude? "Accept the things you cannot control, change the things you can, and have the wisdom to know the difference." It also means that I won't see her this year or will probably have to delay my visit a bit further along.
Be grateful if you are able to help family members, do not judge those who can't. Not that you are of course. But I'm just putting that out there. It's painful loving someone and being unable to help. And the world doesn't make it less so. Instead the world just continues to rub salt in my wounds and laughs like a hyena while it does it.
Sometimes I hate the world.
***
Talked to a bunch of co-workers today - basically everyone who was in the office with me. Found out some stuff - enough to make me wonder if I can afford to retire at 62 after all, although I should remember that I do not have the level of expenditures so many others have. Also the Railroad Retirement/Social Security thing is confusing as all get out. Every time I think I understand it - someone confuses me. Babs told me to call them.
Babs asked when I was going down to visit my parents and how they were doing. I told her I was pushing it off to the week after labor day. Dad was still in the nursing home, but his dementia was slightly better. And Mom was still struggling with a fractured hip since January 5. I couldn't go down - because I can't drive. (I explained why - my co-workers are actually understanding now. They know me well. So, they get why I don't and can't drive in NYC. One co-worker told me that her sister never learned to drive out of fear, while she had because she couldn't be in a car unless she was the one driving. The New Yorkers weirdly get it - more so than anyone else does. And I've run into a surprising number of folks over the years that like me - can't drive for similar reasons. So, I'm not alone at least.)
**
It's hazy in NYC today -- was told on the news that it is from the wildfires. I'm not sure which wild fires, the one's out west or closer by (assuming there are wild-fires closer by - and I don't know how there could be, since we've had a ton of rain this summer. What would burn?)
Have blisters on my heel from attempting to break new sandals - which I'd thought were fine after wandering around my neighborhood, but apparently not. Comfortable sandals are bloody difficult to find. [I had a flash of memory today - of my mother finally finding some red sandals for me to wear as a very little girl, and I went and played in them - losing one in the creek. Came home without a sandal. My mother was understandably upset.]
***
Most people are wearing masks on public transportation in NY. Also quite a few outdoors and indoors. Everyone is in the air train building, except for a scant few.
Co-workers are wearing them like I am. We're all being cautious, we're also hopeful that the staggered hybrid schedule will continue through the fall.
We can handle coming into the office every three days, excluding weekends.
Or about six times a month. Also just the handful of us doing so. That works too.
Mainly, I think we're all slowly figuring out how to navigate a pandemic.
Our lives have changed so much in such a short period of time - it's almost staggering, and yet at times, it feels like they haven't changed at all.
***
Scribe Forge sent me an email on writer's block and I liked this bit:
At the core of writer’s block is fear. Nothing more and nothing less. It’s hard to know where to begin because you can’t shake that worry of what if this sucks? It can feel like the entire world is watching over your shoulder, itching to judge you if you write something cheesy.
Those of us who spend too much time on the Internet may experience this on an even deeper level. We’re so used to comment sections filled with disapproval and mockery—not to mention comedy that is entirely based on making fun of people’s honest intents to follow their passions.
It’s hard to get out of that mindset, but while you’re in it, it’s impossible to write. Everything seems wrong and bad because, well, all we experience is people complaining that things are wrong and bad. How can you write freely with all that weighing on your shoulders?
This is at the root of my current writers block. It always has been. This fear of wasting time on something that is crap, or isn't very good. It comes from having been blasted in the past. Also the fear that people will judge me for what I've written or the characters that I've created - that they aren't "politically correct" or "progressive" or "offensive" in some way.
I've stopped reading book reviews, and avoid book twitter. And it has calmed a bit.
The only way I can write is when I find a way somehow to block out the world and others. Completely. It's just me and the story.
Lately what's thrown me off is learning about other writer's processes - it's made me second guess my own. I don't think linear, but I tend to write linear - mainly because if I don't I get confused. It's how I was taught.
I'm not sure anyone really thinks linearly, now that I think about it.
I tell myself I don't care what other people think. But of course I do. Not as much as I used to, but far more than I should. Or I wouldn't have put on eyeliner to go to work this morning.
***
COVID
According to co-workers, the infection rate is up in the Bronx and Long Island again - it's back to 2-3% in those areas, due to the folks who've not been vaccinated yet. We also think we may be on the hybrid schedule longer - fingers crossed. The commute is hard on everyone.
The virus has changed how I do my job. So many things that we did in person, we do virtually now. Some for the better, some for the worse.
***
Just when I thought I'd gotten rid of the mice - I saw one dash across the living room to the closet in the foyer.
Frigging mice. Probably live in the walls.
***
I find myself hunting good news. And exhausted by the lack of it.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-21 05:12 am (UTC)I dunno. I think that the world, or the universe for that matter, doesn't actually care one way or another about us. Depending on how one looks at it, this can be either terrifying or freeing.
By chance, a perfect cartoon regarding this just happened to show up in the paper yesterday...
https://www.gocomics.com/frank-and-ernest/2021/07/20
Mmm, gonna clip that one for sure. Methinks it may join the other favorites of mine on one of my walls.
I tell myself I don't care what other people think. But of course I do. Not as much as I used to, but far more than I should. Or I wouldn't have put on eyeliner to go to work this morning.
LOL-- Hey, we all have to compromise somehow!
For what it's worth, one of the very few advantages of growing older is that, at least for many people, you finally stop worrying about what other people think, at least of your art. I know what I'm good at, what I'm not good at, and what I'm good at is good enough.
Frigging mice. Probably live in the walls.
Yes, they do. And in the ceiling, floors, and many other convenient locations. Being tiny does add to their versatility!
*******
Well, here's a teeny tiny bit of good news... thanks for the thoughts on the pix I recently posted, and in my answer tonight to your reply, I added two hi-rez copies of the images you said you particularly liked. Clip away, if ye wish!
(Plus some cool commentary on cars by Paul Simon, no extra charge! :-)
beep-beep...
no subject
Date: 2021-07-21 11:44 am (UTC)And thank you, I'll check out the pics.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-21 02:19 pm (UTC)I wrote her, she always enjoyed getting letters. Even if it was a rehash of things I'd already said on the phone days earlier.
Anyway, you're not alone in that awkward want-to-help-but-really-won't-be-of-much-help place. Hang in there!
That bit about writer's block is interesting. Food for thought. Thanks for sharing it.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-23 02:43 am (UTC)Walking around NYC, I once got blisters from very comfortable, very well-broken in and high-quality sandals. I was shocked but I think it was a combination of the heat plus the humidity. The sweat created friction, which made blisters. After that, I always wore my old lady walking shoes with padded Thorlo socks. So attractive.