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shadowkat I don't know what to do about my novel at the moment. My father has agreed to pay for his editor to review and edit my novel as well as provide marketing advice. Which sounds wonderful, since I can't really justify spending the amount at this point in time. And I was in complete agreement at the outset. But now, that I know the amount? I'm on the fence and feeling a bit wary. It's more than I thought it would be and it may require me re-printing and sending the book off - since my first printing was 1.5 spaces as opposed to double space. Also, I've never paid anyone to read anything I've written before.
I feel guilty and embarrassed letting him pay for it, even though he offered and I can't justify paying for it at the moment. He thinks my book is really good, just needs some professional work and guidance, but wants me to pursue publishing it. The title alone would make him buy it. (Not sure if I've said this before, but my father is a writer, who has self-published several books. He attempted to go the traditional route but realized he had little patience for the marketing and self-promotion it entailed, so decided to just selfpublish via 1stBooks.com and hire an editor to go through the novel first, tinker with it and provide suggestions on how to make it better. Not unlike getting a fanfic beta-ed I'd imagine. I'm a lot like my Dad - who was a history major and English minor, I was sort of the opposite, and ended up in business doing his artwork and writing on the side. He wrote a novel when he was 40, tried to publish it, gave up. Waited until he retired, then took it up again - and has now published six novels. They don't pay very much and what they do pay he gives to charity. Because my father came from poverty - his parents were always in debt - he was careful with money. We lived way below our means. They still do to an extent. So they are not poor, but I would not define them as wealthy either.)
I got the sample pages back and am afraid. The editor has some good suggestions, but I'm afraid some of them will change my voice. Steer it into a more...not sure what to call it, generic tone? Of course I do not have to follow all of her suggestions. And several of them are good ones. And it helps to have a professional take - particularly from someone who does not know you. The problem with friends reading your work or even acquaintances is that it gets clouded with how they perceive you and what they want you to produce. That said, Wales who also read my book, loved it. She did tell me it needed tweaking in places, and that the narrative voice seemed off at times. Other than that, she loved it.
Writing doesn't hurt as much as sharing the writing with other people does. Actually interacting with others is always painful on some level now that I think about it. People are always sizing one another up, always checking to see if they or you past muster. And you are always being compared with other possibly better options. But I need people. I'm lonely without them. I like the interaction. And I want to share my perceptions and stories with them. I want to learn from them and hear their stories and perceptions. I just wish it didn't have to hurt. It doesn't always. Sometimes the interaction is a lovefest. But a good portion of the time? It just hurts.
I guess it is silly to want to avoid pain. Some seek it out, like the people who get full body tatooes. I keep asking - doesn't that hurt? Yep, most painful experience of my life.
So why'd you do it? Why do people go through childbirth - it's no more painful than that?
Odd comparison. I don't like pain. Not masochistic or sadistic. Except maybe in my deepest and darkest fantasies.
The problem with life though is everything involves pain. You can't do anything without feeling pain. Or getting rejected by somebody. I think one of the reasons I hate groups is the pain. There's always someone who feels like a third or fourth wheel. People are always competing for attention. No matter what people tell you, they are cliquish and tend to drift towards those in the group that make them feel great about themselves, because like it or not, human beings are inherently self-ish creatures. We don't want to be around anyone who bores us, annoys us, hurts us, irritates, or doesn't stroke us. And we don't want to be told that we do any of those things.
I don't know. I'm feeling scared right now. I don't know what to do and I think I'm a little afraid of making the wrong choices. Even if in the grand scheme of things they seem relatively minor.
Shouldn't whine, and I'm not really, when it comes to parents, I more or less hit the jackpot.
My brother and I are opposites in this respect. And I must admit, I do not understand my brother's logic, but then I never understand what serves as logic in my brother's brain. At times he feels like an alien to me. And I'm certain he must perceive me in much the same way.
My brother puts friends before family (outside of his wife and child who are different). His view is you can't pick your relatives but you can pick your friends. I don't completely agree with that statement. But then my view is that family doesn't tend to abandon you, sure you will argue, you may not talk to each other for five or six years, you may want to kill one another from time to time, but you know you can always find one another, that in most cases, and perhaps I'm lucky in this regard, your family loves you no matter what. Friends...they come and go, transistional in nature, hardly dependable. And whether you like it or not, you don't have control over who chooses you as a friend. Often the people you think are your best buds, aren't and the ones that you didn't, become people you love more than you ever thought possible. I don't believe we have as much control over our lives as we'd like, because so much of our lives is dependent on the will of others. Like my book for example - I may love how I've written it - but if no one else does it will never be published. I may hate Twilight and think it is horribly written, but if other people love it, it will be published and stay in print. The world does not revolve around, for, or even with me. It revolves often it feels in spite of me.
Feeling very angsty this weekend. Alone. And at loose ends. Also dejected. That feeling I've felt before...more often than I'd like, where I'm sort of sitting on this island and the whole world has jumped together away from me. Part of me is happy about that, because the silence and peace is quite relaxing, the other part is incredibly anxious and fearful.
There are things I could do to change this feeling, but none seem appealing at the moment.
Instead I find myself typing alone on my blog, listening to the air hiss on and off in my apartment. The nice thing about my blog is it is private enough that I can do this, without too much notice, complaint or attention. Here, I can write whatever and however I please without worrying too much about criticism...no, wait that is not true. I always worry. Because my words are out there and I can hear the criticism in my head even if the people reading have chosen to remain silent. I fear they will judge and assess what I write based on what they would, because can they do anything less than that? Is it even possible to look outside of what we would or would not do in any given situation to understand what another might need or do in a similar one - how their reactions must be different than our own? Sometimes I wonder if we have the ability to do that? I think I do. I think people do. But inside, I'm not sure. If I knew, I'd probably be relieved and less afraid, and less prone to imagined embarrassment.
I feel guilty and embarrassed letting him pay for it, even though he offered and I can't justify paying for it at the moment. He thinks my book is really good, just needs some professional work and guidance, but wants me to pursue publishing it. The title alone would make him buy it. (Not sure if I've said this before, but my father is a writer, who has self-published several books. He attempted to go the traditional route but realized he had little patience for the marketing and self-promotion it entailed, so decided to just selfpublish via 1stBooks.com and hire an editor to go through the novel first, tinker with it and provide suggestions on how to make it better. Not unlike getting a fanfic beta-ed I'd imagine. I'm a lot like my Dad - who was a history major and English minor, I was sort of the opposite, and ended up in business doing his artwork and writing on the side. He wrote a novel when he was 40, tried to publish it, gave up. Waited until he retired, then took it up again - and has now published six novels. They don't pay very much and what they do pay he gives to charity. Because my father came from poverty - his parents were always in debt - he was careful with money. We lived way below our means. They still do to an extent. So they are not poor, but I would not define them as wealthy either.)
I got the sample pages back and am afraid. The editor has some good suggestions, but I'm afraid some of them will change my voice. Steer it into a more...not sure what to call it, generic tone? Of course I do not have to follow all of her suggestions. And several of them are good ones. And it helps to have a professional take - particularly from someone who does not know you. The problem with friends reading your work or even acquaintances is that it gets clouded with how they perceive you and what they want you to produce. That said, Wales who also read my book, loved it. She did tell me it needed tweaking in places, and that the narrative voice seemed off at times. Other than that, she loved it.
Writing doesn't hurt as much as sharing the writing with other people does. Actually interacting with others is always painful on some level now that I think about it. People are always sizing one another up, always checking to see if they or you past muster. And you are always being compared with other possibly better options. But I need people. I'm lonely without them. I like the interaction. And I want to share my perceptions and stories with them. I want to learn from them and hear their stories and perceptions. I just wish it didn't have to hurt. It doesn't always. Sometimes the interaction is a lovefest. But a good portion of the time? It just hurts.
I guess it is silly to want to avoid pain. Some seek it out, like the people who get full body tatooes. I keep asking - doesn't that hurt? Yep, most painful experience of my life.
So why'd you do it? Why do people go through childbirth - it's no more painful than that?
Odd comparison. I don't like pain. Not masochistic or sadistic. Except maybe in my deepest and darkest fantasies.
The problem with life though is everything involves pain. You can't do anything without feeling pain. Or getting rejected by somebody. I think one of the reasons I hate groups is the pain. There's always someone who feels like a third or fourth wheel. People are always competing for attention. No matter what people tell you, they are cliquish and tend to drift towards those in the group that make them feel great about themselves, because like it or not, human beings are inherently self-ish creatures. We don't want to be around anyone who bores us, annoys us, hurts us, irritates, or doesn't stroke us. And we don't want to be told that we do any of those things.
I don't know. I'm feeling scared right now. I don't know what to do and I think I'm a little afraid of making the wrong choices. Even if in the grand scheme of things they seem relatively minor.
Shouldn't whine, and I'm not really, when it comes to parents, I more or less hit the jackpot.
My brother and I are opposites in this respect. And I must admit, I do not understand my brother's logic, but then I never understand what serves as logic in my brother's brain. At times he feels like an alien to me. And I'm certain he must perceive me in much the same way.
My brother puts friends before family (outside of his wife and child who are different). His view is you can't pick your relatives but you can pick your friends. I don't completely agree with that statement. But then my view is that family doesn't tend to abandon you, sure you will argue, you may not talk to each other for five or six years, you may want to kill one another from time to time, but you know you can always find one another, that in most cases, and perhaps I'm lucky in this regard, your family loves you no matter what. Friends...they come and go, transistional in nature, hardly dependable. And whether you like it or not, you don't have control over who chooses you as a friend. Often the people you think are your best buds, aren't and the ones that you didn't, become people you love more than you ever thought possible. I don't believe we have as much control over our lives as we'd like, because so much of our lives is dependent on the will of others. Like my book for example - I may love how I've written it - but if no one else does it will never be published. I may hate Twilight and think it is horribly written, but if other people love it, it will be published and stay in print. The world does not revolve around, for, or even with me. It revolves often it feels in spite of me.
Feeling very angsty this weekend. Alone. And at loose ends. Also dejected. That feeling I've felt before...more often than I'd like, where I'm sort of sitting on this island and the whole world has jumped together away from me. Part of me is happy about that, because the silence and peace is quite relaxing, the other part is incredibly anxious and fearful.
There are things I could do to change this feeling, but none seem appealing at the moment.
Instead I find myself typing alone on my blog, listening to the air hiss on and off in my apartment. The nice thing about my blog is it is private enough that I can do this, without too much notice, complaint or attention. Here, I can write whatever and however I please without worrying too much about criticism...no, wait that is not true. I always worry. Because my words are out there and I can hear the criticism in my head even if the people reading have chosen to remain silent. I fear they will judge and assess what I write based on what they would, because can they do anything less than that? Is it even possible to look outside of what we would or would not do in any given situation to understand what another might need or do in a similar one - how their reactions must be different than our own? Sometimes I wonder if we have the ability to do that? I think I do. I think people do. But inside, I'm not sure. If I knew, I'd probably be relieved and less afraid, and less prone to imagined embarrassment.
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no subject
Date: 2008-08-09 09:46 pm (UTC)Anyway I just want to say: Your Father thought about this, he knows what it costs, and he offered to pay for it because he has thought about it and considered the pros and cons.... If I were you? I would let him do this for you. Seriously. He knows where you are, he has been there, he knows the value of a talented editor. You don't have to feel obligated because someone loves you and offers you a valuable gift.
{{hugs}}
no subject
Date: 2008-08-09 10:19 pm (UTC)Couldn't have said it better myself. It's a loving gift and I'd take it.
Twilight?? and Thank you.
Date: 2008-08-09 10:58 pm (UTC)I need to rewrite that, except I couldn't read the book because it was that badly written. And out of curiousity which site??
What were they saying???
Thank you for the advice. You are right.
I teared up when I read it. But you are absolutely right - that's where my parents are coming from. They've read all my creative writings and seen how hard I've worked to improve. This was by no means my first effort or first book, but they've told me it's my best and how impressed they were with it. After reading it and some of the lj entries I sent them - they told me for the first time that I've become a "really" good and impressive writer. (My parents are very literate and critical when it comes to writing, so I don't take that lightly.)
Anyhow, thank you for your response and for your advice on this. It made me feel a little less lonely and comforted. Also glad I wrote the post.
Someday, I'll have to get around to visiting you out in California...that is assuming I ever get out there again. My goal this year is to visit my parents in Hilton Head (got the tickets and made the arrangements for Xmas last week) and to see my aunts, who I haven't seen in ages up in the Catskills.
I was very close to them when I was a child and young adult. Want to get reacquainted. Family is becoming more and more important to me as I get older.
Re: Twilight?? and Thank you.
Date: 2008-08-09 11:26 pm (UTC)I'm glad you are planning trips to Hilton Head and the Catskills, those are places that will let you really recharge your batteries and sooth your nerves. And of course you are welcome out here in Northern California were it is sweater weather 12 months a year!
Re: Twilight?? and Thank you.
Date: 2008-08-10 02:23 am (UTC)Dad told me to consider it my birthday and xmas gift combined - which works for me. ;-)
no subject
Date: 2008-08-09 11:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-10 02:20 am (UTC)I keep trying to work on something else. But it's not coming, dang it. Instead I post on this crazy thing. I think it's a combo of work and the fact that I've got too many ideas and no ability to choose which one to focus on. So I deal with my writing craving by posting on my blog. The internet really is like crack for writers.
Probably just as well, since she's only being paid to look at this ms. We can't afford another one. (My father's books are shorter than mine so it doesn't cost him as much. He writes 59,000 words to my 96,806.) She's not going to be an agent or anything or even publish it. Just help me figure out what to fix, where to fix it, where to send it, what genre or nitch to market it in, that sort of thing. Which right now is what I need. I need to know how to package the thing to get it published. It's very rough in places and my friends and family aren't professional editors. I also need a good preview on how a publisher or agent might view the book.
Will state that the whole Twilight thing gives me hope, actually should give us all hope, if Meyer can get published, truly, any one can. ;-)
no subject
Date: 2008-08-10 02:39 am (UTC)Actually I have a very fraught relationship with that book, both because I read it like eating candy and despised myself the whole time, and also because about a year before it first came out I had this very intense dream that seemed to me to be the start of a supernatural-themed YA book - the dream ended on the word "twilight" which seemed like the only possible title. I wrote out the dream and a bit of an outline but never got around to working on it further. Then when Meyer's book came out, and I read in an interview that the idea had come to her in a dream, I had to buy it. And be pissed off. It was nothing like my dream but still the twilight word is totally tainted now!
Of course Meyer actually sat down and finished her novel which should be the moral for me of this story.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-10 03:51 am (UTC)The hype surrounding that book annoys me. I've been ranting about it in my head all week, damn Entertainment Weekly and their constant news coverage of it. Finally realized that I was looking at it all wrong - the book is a testatment to the fact that anyone can get published - all you have to do is find someone who likes it, and have a great idea.
Between Buffy and Stephanie Meyer - Twilight has become a bit overused of late. Sorry you didn't complete yours first and get it published - much rather be reading about you in EW than Meyer. Meyer is creepy. Also, from just reading your posts - I know your book would have been better written, at the very least it would have not had all those adverbs.
Funny, people keep telling me to cut the adverbs, which I do. And here comes a book that is littered with them.
Oh, if you can find it, and would like a book that sort of lampoons the publishing industry and romantic fiction - try "Sex, Lies, Murder, Fame - by Lolita Files".
no subject
Date: 2008-08-10 03:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-10 12:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-10 02:23 am (UTC)